Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?

[tinyx2]

Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.

It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.

I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive

TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.

My DH does this, the walls in our house have lots of marks where hes’s thrown plates and glasses, ours is a volatile relationship but a long one, 25 years. I still find it upsetting when he breaks things, he threw a glass across the room a few weeks ago, on my birthday.

I can’t imagine being married to him forever but I can’t imagine splitting up either. The DCs are still dependent and the one with ASD once begged us not to split up.

Most of the time things are ok but his temper is unpredictable though he would say the same about me. The difficult thing is that we do love each other!

Not acceptable, my DF was like this, I remember him fondly as an older man but that was when he had calmed his temper. When he was younger it was very different and I and all my siblings have issues, its not a nice way to live

Kneedeep sounds exactly like my family

Very true, AF. So as well as him seeking help without you suggesting it, to be remotely helpful, it should be help by somebody skilled with working with abusers.

Anyway. You really do need to separate first. Then see if he seeks help.

"Help him don't leave him"

Oh my christ. Op's husband sees her as part of the problem. She can no more "help" him than next door's cat can

The ignorance (and man pleasing) I see on here is quite astounding sometimes

He's a great dad

No he is not.

I grew up with a father with a vile temper. Lots of people described him as ‘a great dad’ at his funeral.

He wasn’t. He hurt me, he frightened me and at times our home felt like a war zone.

the one with ASD once begged us not to split up.

Cressida, children don't always know what's best for them.

No, I don't think therapy would work unless he admits he is abusive. The Freedom Programme have a men's version he can attend.

I heartily recommend you do the woman's FP course though.

It isn't your job to change him. He isn't like this because he was born this way. He thinks he has a right to act this way towards YOU.

I put up with a lot of shit in my childhood but the one thing I will never forgive is trashing my stuff. As a child, it is the worst thing ever. As an adult and parent, I can see how cruel it is.

A cruel man is not a good father.

Kick him out.

I feel very sorry for your children OP and yours @CressidaCrisis. You're setting your children up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

My dad used to act like this. It escalated to hitting my mum. She stayed, (til he had an affair and left) which meant I had to witness it all. Yelling, stuff being smashed up, walking on eggshells.
It's affected my whole life. I chose abusive relationships and have struggled with low self esteem, anxiety, depression and self harm.
I now have no contact with either parents and only in late 30s starting to feel okay.
He never changed. Angry men I dated never changed, it's always someone else's fault ( usually yours).
It's up to you what you do, but please think about your own and your son's future mental health, as well as what could happen if it escalates. You don't deserve this and neither does your son.

He's perfectly able to control himself. He just chooses not to at home. So he needs a home where you and kiddo aren't exposed to it.

Therapy just gives people like this advanced gaslighting tools. I wouldn't.

Leaving him might be the only way to help him.

He doesn't see he has an anger problem - he can control it when it "matters", and just can't with you. It's not cost him anything yet, other that fixing /replacing things (and I bet he never smashes anything he values, only stuff you/your DS values).

He needs to see this isn't an acceptable way to process your emotions, and he won't see that while you continue to find it acceptable.

Leave. He'll never get help until you do, and if he won't get help after you've gone, you'll know he didn't really love you anyway.

My dad did this. One of my first memories is of him smashing up my tricycle. He also put holes in doors.

I would feel so sick and scared when he was angry and although he never laid a hand on me he did eventually become violent to my mum.

Needless to say I didn't have a happy childhood. Don't let your son feel like that

Just imagine what a strong statement it will be to your son to separate now: "What daddy did was wrong. He's still your dad and he still loves you, but you are number one in this and you and your things need to be safe."

tinyx2

What do you get out of this relationship now tiny, what is in this still for you?.

AF is right.

He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out rightly on his unreasonable behaviour. He can and likely does control himself around others particularly in the outside world, it is at home that you see his true nature.

I reckon too what he smashes up in the main are items you use regularly or are important to you in some way. AM is NO answer to domestic violence, leaving the abuser is. Such programmes as well have a high failure rate and can simply teach the person techniques in how to further abuse their chosen target in this case you. Make no mistake here; this is abusive behaviour he is showing you. Its not about anger, its also about power and control. Your H wants absolute here.

Cressida - children do like having two parents together but they cannot and must not dictate the future of their parents relationship particularly in the circumstances that you describe. Its not their decision to make either, its yours and they have to follow your lead.

This relationship is well and truly over; what you are describing here in he smashing things up within the home is an example of domestic violence.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and just what is he learning here?. You're currently showing him that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level. Some legacy that is to leave him. You want him to treat his wife or partner like you are treated?.

Absolutely not acceptable. My xh was like this, he would break things in anger and sometimes even when it was not obvious that there was even an issue, he'd just get drunk and trash things. I lost count of the walls that were replastered, the doors that were replaced and the possessions that he broke. The realisation for me was that even in his "blind" rages he only ever broke things that were not solely his. He was clearly showing that I was of lower value than he was.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You’ve made a threat. He’s seeing if you’ll go back on it because the easiest option for you is to let it slide. How much effort do you think he will put into “controlling his anger” if you just let it slide this time, knowing you won’t follow through?

I’ve been with my DH for ten years. There was literally one occasion where he smashed something up in a rage. At the time he was going through extreme stress of the kind that would push most people to extreme behaviour. This was before we had kids. Once he was calm I told him that I grew up with a violent father who terrified me, and there was no way on earth I was living with a husband who did that. It’s never happened again.

So yes, I guess I have tolerated it as an isolated incident with extenuating circumstances. More than once? Absolutely not. I would definitely have left if he behaved like that under normal circumstances or on multiple occasions.

People often wonder why abused women don’t leave and the answer is usually exactly what you’re experiencing now - they know the abusive behaviour is awful, but it can’t possibly be “real” abuse because of all the good things that happen, all the nice things they do, all the positives. But this is exactly what abusive relationships are like - just enough positives to make you doubt yourself.

If it were me, I’d be telling him to leave and to seek help for his anger. If he wants to salvage his relationship with you and his child(ren) he needs to change. Sadly I wouldn’t hold your breath, but stranger things have happened. You can’t let him brush it under the carpet though, or it will only escalate.

Yep, I would because I’ve done it myself a couple of times and it’s very satisfying. However it’s not a regular occurance for the slightest thing (once every 8 years in extreme circumstance) and we don’t rant at each other, scare each other, or blame each other at all.

I wouldn’t put up with the behaviour in your post, neither would my dh from me.

I wouldn't give him the choice of therapy or leave, if he wants to seek therapy after you've separated then that would be great. But right now he'd probably agree and then find excuses not to go, knowing full well that you don't follow through with ultimatums.
Enough posters have shared their experiences of how growing up with a dad like this has affected them for you to know what you have to do and the consequences if you choose to stay.

it's laughable if I left him because of this

^ Not a valid argument. If you’ve decided there’s behaviour you won’t put up with, and you’re leaving, he can’t say you have to stay. It’s your choice.

Obviously I agree with all PPs saying this abuse and you should indeed leave. But for the purposes of telling him- he doesn’t have to agree with your reasons. Don’t expect him to ever say “yes you should leave me.” It’s up to you, it’s only your opinion that matters here.

Good luck.

I don't want him to think I don't follow through on things I say but would it be a good idea to give him a choice to do therapy/ anger management or it's over?

Wrong way round.

Leave first. Then, if he wants to do anger management therapy he can. And IF, and only if, you feel you want to you can reassess.

But he doesn’t really want to do therapy. Because if he did he’d already have done it.

Do NOT go to joint or couples therapy with a man like this. They will use it to find your weaknesses and use them against you.

If he wanted to sort out his temper tantrums he'd have done something about them long ago. He's blaming you for everything when he's clearly the one in the wrong here.

Get him gone.

You've made the ultimatum. You shouldn't have done this if you weren't willing / able to follow through.

You're now in the situation that you follow through and finish with him. Or stay with him and accept that this is how things are. Because making an ultimatum and then not following through is basically telling him that no matter what you say, you'll stay and put up with it.

Please don't let your DC think this is how a man should behave. And that a woman should take it.

That's not normal, 10 years of DH and he's never punched/broken a thing.

Run while you can

If my Oh ever once did this, he’d be out on his arse. I refuse to tolerate violence in any form.