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Original poster

My boyfriend donated sperm

233 replies

Kala101 · 19/04/2018 19:58

Hi I'm looking for some advice as I'm in a crisis state. I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. He told me two months in that he had donated sperm to a sperm bank. Recently we've become serious and I've been so disturbed by this aspect of his past, although he has reassured me that he only sees those offspring as genetic links not a family.

I really want to have kids with the right person and have my own family. I feel this would be so disruptive to a future family. I also feel jealous and disgusted that his sperm was inside these women. I'm too emotional about this.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 19/04/2018 20:32

I am a bit gobsmacked by this, but bottom line is if you can't cope with the fact he has donated sperm and may have fathered children pre dating you, you should end it. You wither accept it or don't. You sound determined not to change your mind about it.

He did a very altruistic thing and that to me would speak volumes. On the other hand if I had a partner that couldn't deal with that, it would be a deal breaker.

Its quite simple really, I think you should call it a day and find someone who hasn't donated sperm (that you know about it), he was honest with you after all.

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:33

not that it's important, but someone wanted this information:

www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donor-conceived-people-and-their-parents/apply-for-information/

OP posts:
DaisysStew · 19/04/2018 20:34

The only problem I can see with this is the very small chance that if you have a child one day they might meet and fall in love with their half sibling. But the chances of that are really small ( no guarantee any of the donations resulted in a live birth, the parents living and raising the child in the same area, that they would even meet let alone like each other... and so on).

Personally I’d be really happy that someone would feel comfortable enough to share this information with me so early in a relationship. It shows he has honesty, integrity and is possibly thinking long term. All great qualities in a partner. Try thinking of it like that.

viques · 19/04/2018 20:35

Lots of men "donate" their sperm,, often to vulnerable women , and then father children they don't want, see or support , I would have more concern with them rather than someone who has given sperm with the intention of producing children who are wanted by their mother.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 20:35

I would end this immediately. There's no need for people to scorn you or scold you. It bothers you. There's no need to apologise for this or feel bad about it. He's not a hero, he's a sperm donor. It doesn't matter what his motives are because they don't sit well with you. He's not perfect for you. Personally, I'd have ended it when he first told me, because I couldn't be with someone who did this, but that's by the by now.

Don't fall for the fallacy of sunken costs.

He's not for you.

PlateOfBiscuits · 19/04/2018 20:35

From the hydra:
’If you donated after 1 August 1991, you can request information about the number, sex and year of birth of any children conceived from your donation.’

pudding21 · 19/04/2018 20:35

Even if he did donate it with the "spreading" his genes around as a purpose, it is still doing something for someone else too essentially, so in my eyes it remains altruistic in its nature. Have you had counselling? If he is willing to stick around I think you should, it all sounds like you are trying to control a perfect image of a marriage etc. Everyone brings some new dimension to a relationship, you just have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 19/04/2018 20:36

I actually think it's perfectly fine not to want to settle down with someone who stands a good chance of having other children out there. And that some of the criticisms on here have been at best ridiculous.

Ultimately, what you're doing if you continue in the relationship is incurring the risk that some adult children will get in touch one day, and you're perfectly at liberty to not want that. Obviously there's always a possibility of that happening unless you marry a virgin who's never donated, but I'd venture to suggest that sperm donation probably makes it more likely than the average man.

So what you have to decide is whether you can get past this. Only you can answer that.

CatchingBabies · 19/04/2018 20:36

I suspect if you need a sperm / egg donor to have children you wouldn't feel so "disgusted" about it. My daughter was conceived thanks to the wonderful gift of a sperm donor, the sperm donor provided genetic material only he is not her father and she has no interest whatsoever in the "man who helped make her" never mind consider him a father, I would be very surprised if she ever went looking for him, although I would support her whatever her choice. These children are not his children and sperm donation is very heavily regulated to ensure there isn't huge amounts of children born to one donor. You should be proud of you boyfriend for helping someone not as fortunate to have a family and stop overreacting.

BewareOfDragons · 19/04/2018 20:36

OP, what do you think you would do if you were ready to start a family and found out that your eggs were no good ... or were infertile.

Would you hope that some other woman, out of the generosity of her heart, would donate eggs so you, too, could carry and have a baby?

Or would you decide to adopt or remain childless.

If you would decide to remain childless, this is not the man for you. Let someone with a bigger heart and open mind have him.

heateallthebuns · 19/04/2018 20:37

One thing is at least you know he's fertile, that's a worry you won't have.

It's in the past and it's very unlikely there are children who will ever come looking for him.

I can kind of understand the need to reproduce and have offspring if you are worried you'll never have children. It is a basic natural instinct to want to reproduce and pass on your dna for many people.

CharlieandLolaCat · 19/04/2018 20:38

My DS is donor conceived. I know how many others were born from the same donor at the time I got more information from the HFEA so I find it likely the OP does know the number of children that were conceived as a result of her partner's donation.

OP, when my DS and I talk of the donor we talk about it in those terms. He is a man who did a nice thing to enable me to have a child. I am grateful. My DS is only 4 and I can't say what will happen but the donor is not his dad or father, and by talking about it and socialising it and not making it a dirty secret I suspect the chances of my DS wanting to meet the donor are lessened. That said, if he does want to know more then of course I'll support him.

Ultimately your DP did a wonderful thing, he gave the gift of a family to women like me. You need to move past this and if you can't you need to move on.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2018 20:38

But he hasn't actually contacted the HFEA has he OP? Otherwise he'd know for sure.

Sperm bank told him my arse Grin

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 20:39

'I do hate myself for all this and I find it hard to deal with. The vitriol I'm getting on this thread, I deserve it too. '

No, you don't. Of course you'll get people holding him up as a hero on a parenting forum. In the real world, it would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. It is for you. Why on Earth should you have to find this acceptable? You do not deserve vitriol for this being a dealbreaker, your only mistake was not ending it when he told you.

Rogue1234 · 19/04/2018 20:39

I donated my eggs, and DS was conceived with donor sperm. He is the best thing that has ever happened to DP and I, and we will be forever grateful to the donor for helping us have our family.

The donor is not my son's father, just as I am not the mother to any children conceived from the eggs I donated.

The fertility clinic did tell me I would be able to find out if any children were conceived using my eggs, they said I would have to jump through a few hoops though (I think they mentioned counselling). I haven't found out yet - as I mentioned, I am not the mother of any children conceived so whilst I really hope I helped someone, it's not top of my agenda to find out if I did.

Your boyfriend did an amazing thing - if you can't accept it you need to break up with him and let him find someone who can accept it.

heateallthebuns · 19/04/2018 20:40

I am surprised there are circles where donating sperm is taboo. Is it a religious thing?

strongerthan · 19/04/2018 20:41

What's disruptive??? You seriously need to get over yourself!!!

I do hope your eggs work fine and god forbid you might need a donor!!!!!

Just WOW

Original poster
Kala101 · 19/04/2018 20:42

Thank you all for so many perspectives. The women who have posted here are the only ones I know with donor-conceived children and that does make me think. I'm trying.

Yes, I've thought about donating eggs and how that would feel but it's harder as it's an intrusive process and not as easy as it is for men.

I do find it hard to believe that no children will come looking. The world is already so connected and he's very searchable with a very unique name. He said he would have preferred if it was anonymous. My heart breaks because he's ready to do almost anything to be with me and I'm the one sabotaging our relationship. I do feel ashamed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 20:42

'Or would you decide to adopt or remain childless.

If you would decide to remain childless, this is not the man for you. Let someone with a bigger heart and open mind have him.'

So people who won't adopt are small-hearted and narrow-minded? Adoption is not the sole preserve of the infertile or a consolation prize for infertility.

PrizeOik · 19/04/2018 20:43

I urge you to end this relationship. This is clearly something that disturbs you very badly - you've said it yourself.

Don't try to have a relationship with someone whose actions disturb you. Certainly do not have children with him.

You've said it yourself the possibility of people conceived with his sperm contacting him, makes you feel terrible etc. etc.

So stop agonizing over it - do what you have to do, move on and let him find someone who is ok with him and embraces his choices.

You are not the one for him. He is not the one for you. Relationships are not meant to feel like torture. It's meant to feel easy and right.

privateporcupine · 19/04/2018 20:43

Wonder if his sperm helped create any of the babies mentioned here

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 20:44

Your finding this unacceptable does not make you a bad person. Nor does being a person who would not wish to conceive via egg donation or a person who would not adopt.

PrizeOik · 19/04/2018 20:45

Stop feeling ashamed and trying to make your feelings go away op.

End the relationship. Do him and yourself a kindness today. It's crystal clear that you are not going to be happy with him, nor make him happy.

extinctspecies · 19/04/2018 20:45

Gosh, this place just gets increasingly weird.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/04/2018 20:45

You've thought about donating eggs?! What exactly is your problem, op? Have you decided yet?