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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

341 replies

namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 13:10

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 17/04/2018 21:55

There you go OP. Just ignore it. Apparently it’s that simple. You won’t think about it AT ALL every time you see or speak to them. You won’t feel awkward if you hear your DSM say anything like how much she loves your Dad. And if you do it will be your fault for caring aka sticking your nose in other people’s business.

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 21:55

This is the sort of attitude that means people "turn a blind eye" to all sorts isn't it.

My dad had loads of affairs and too fucking right it's my business. If it wasn't then why bother supporting my mum when she found out? After all, it's mine of my business.

Some people have very weird families is what I'm hearing.

If my mum or dad found out DH was paying for sex and they didn't tell me I don't think I'd ever believe they cared about me again.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2018 22:02

Mystified by the ignore it brigade. How could you ever look at either of them in the same way again? How could you look in the mirror without thinking well you’re a bit pathetic aren’t you?

willynillypie · 17/04/2018 22:06

If my mum or dad found out DH was paying for sex and they didn't tell me I don't think I'd ever believe they cared about me again.

I agree with you, except for this bit. Because it isn't the equivalent, DSM isn't her mother she is her stepmother and has been for what sounds like a while but not her entire life. this would be the equivalent of DH having an affair and not being told by your in-laws. You would be upset, but understand where their loyalties lie.

I think OP should talk to her dad, of course. But it's not her place to tell DSM.

Oliphantintheroom · 17/04/2018 22:09

Those that say loyalties lay with your dad - I agree to a certain extent but when he’s pushed a moral boundary like this it’s a different matter.
It also depends how long stepmom has been in your life, if she’s been with your dad for a while then your Dc are probably as attached to her as they are to your dad.
The responsibility for damaged relationships lies with your dad for being so careless.
If your stepmom knows you very well she’s likely to know you’re acting a bit odd around her and your dad too

Binxee · 17/04/2018 22:10

Agree with willynillypie completely. This is why I would ignore and stay out. My loyalties would lie with my dad no matter what.

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 22:11

Oh so some see step parents/ children as not "flesh and blood" , you think the ignore people wouldn't be saying ignore if it were her mum?

I suppose we could ask them. Ignore people, would you say the same if it were her mum?

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 22:13

No matter what?

This is all getting a bit EastEnders. What if he was beating her? I mean, you're exaggerating, I assume?

Binxee · 17/04/2018 22:14

EastEnders?
Not at all. Just saying my loyalties would lie with my father

larrygrylls · 17/04/2018 22:16

Ugh,

It was sent in error. It is none of your business. Just return it and say it must have been sent in error.

You primary relationship is with your own father. Your stepmother may know, she may kind-of-know but choose not to pry or she may not know.

Telling your stepmother in some ‘heroic’ act of honesty could destroy many lives and many relationships. And for what?

Reverse it and imagine you sent an embarrassing text (of whatever nature) to your father? How would you want and expect him to respond?

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 22:19

Yes it is all a bit EastEnders, flesh and blood, outsiders get no consideration, weird. I mean I did even if he was beating her and it wasn't a long post, you've essentially said yes. Wtf.

Binxee · 17/04/2018 22:21

This post has nothing to do with beating anyone ... you’re making it more like “Eastenders”

We don’t all have to share the same views.

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 22:21

If I sent a text to my dad by accident revealing I was having an affair (paying for sex would be not very likely!) I would expect him to have some pretty fucking strong things to say to me about it.

Obviously.

This thread is getting increasingly weird.

I had no idea so many people were so tribal, even with people in their own families who are not "blood".

KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 22:24

Binxee you said your loyalties would be with your dad no matter what.

It's a strong statement.

His behaviour could put step mum health at risk, for a start.

Newerversion · 17/04/2018 22:24

My loyalties would lie with my morals

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/04/2018 22:43

My loyalties would lie where I say they do not what society tells me to.

I could not under it and would talk to him.

Then if he wouldn't tell her I would.

It's putting her health at risk. Is loyalty to a scummy man who uses women for his own pleasure more worthy of being protected or the woman who is likely not to know and could become very ill from an STI?

I see why lots of things are swept under the rug with it's a 'not your business' going on.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/04/2018 22:43

Under not under.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/04/2018 22:44

unsee

willynillypie · 17/04/2018 22:44

It's got nothing to do with her father being "blood" Ffs but that he raised her and from the sounds of it they have an excellent relationship. It would be different if the stepmother had also raised her, but from the sounds of the OP they have been together for a few years only. That's obviously a difference. If my best friend cheated on her boyfriend, no matter how much I liked him I wouldn't see it as my place to fuck her over and tell him - I would just tell her directly that what she is doing is wrong and she should be honest.

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/04/2018 22:45

Oh God OP you poor thing, this is just hellish for you. I have no idea what I would do but I would be so shattered at the horrendous insight into my father’s character.q

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 22:51

I think those posters who are saying the OP should ignore the email and that it's not her business should consider the fact that the OP would have to act like nothing has changed in front of both her DF and her stepmum. That's a big ask and, from what the OP has said about her relationship with her stepmum, I don't think she would be able to achieve that.

And what about the fact that her stepmum could be at risk of STIs?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 17/04/2018 23:17

poster MMmomDD Tue 17-Apr-18 16:29:40

OP - you don’t know anything about the inner workings of your father’s relationship and/or arrangement.They are a different generation and may look at these things differently to how you look at them

You would be surprised - but many women in that age group - would prefer not to know and live their life in peace. Especially if the relationship overall is working well

What the actual fuck are you on about??

Her SM is in her early 40’s.

Jesus christ on a bike.

serialcheat · 17/04/2018 23:20

Op

Turn it around.

If it was your husband fucking 18 year old prostitutes, and he’d arranged a meeting with time, date and payment, but had accidentally e - mailed it to your Stepmum, what would you hope and expect her to do !?

Do you think she would discuss it with her husband, your father !?

And if so, what would you hope and expect them BOTH to do !?

serialcheat · 17/04/2018 23:22

If you were an outsider looking in, what advice would you give to your Stepmum and / or your Stepmum and Dad !?

Goodasgoldilox · 17/04/2018 23:29

Sympathy OP!

This situation is distressing and infuriating - the e-mail has changed everything and you are not to blame for what happens next.