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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fucking shit. My Dad has accidentally sent me an email revealing that he is paying for sex.

341 replies

namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 13:10

My Dad has been married to my step-mum for quite a few years, she is lovely, I really like her. My Dad originally split from my Mum when I was tiny because he cheated on her.

I'm borrowing my dad's holiday home next week, so he has been forwarding me emails between himself and the hire car provider as he has organised it with a guy he knows. He has accidentally forwarded me a thread between himself and a 21 year old (vom. I'm 34) where they discuss meeting for sex and money being exchanged.

What in the name of holy fuck do I do now? I'm fucking shaking.

OP posts:
KittTheCar · 17/04/2018 17:08

Oh sorry just seen update, slow reader!

All these people saying don't do anything, you need to protect your relationship with your dad... Why? Some women would feel that this meant they could not have the same or even any relationship with their dad.

Also saying it's none of her business is weird, it's her dad! Are some people really distant from their families that they see them as like vague work colleagues? That's not how most families work, let's be honest.

mindutopia · 17/04/2018 17:11

I think you can’t all know and live with yourselves if you keep this from her. I was in a situation a couple years ago when I found out that my family had been keeping something serious from me for the past 10 years. It wasn’t to do with my dh or cheating or anything like that (thank god, I have a lovely dh), but to do with someone’s history of sexual offences against children. These people all knew and in fact had meetings together that I was excluded from to talk about how to keep me from finding out about this, specially so he would be allowed to continue to have contact with my dd (the only child in the immediate family). It was an awful experience, obviously because of my worries about my dd (she’s fine, it’s the thought of what could have happened, thankfully we found out when we did), but primarily because my trust was completely shattered in everyone I had loved really. I felt like if these people who I had trusted with my child could have lied for so many years to protect someone who did something really awful and went out of their way to conspire behind my back, then god, who could I trust? It made me feel really paranoid about everyone in my life and also really, really angry. I think if you know something like this you can’t conspire against someone you care about to protect someone who has done something wrong, even if you also love that person. I’m sure it’s a terrible situation to be in though having to have that conversation.

Anasnake · 17/04/2018 17:12

If you do nothing it's always going to be the elephant in the room. I would email back and ask what he's playing at.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 17/04/2018 17:21

For now I'd reply to the email with a simple 'I don't think this was meant for me'. That puts the ball firmly where it belongs - in your father's court.
From his response to that, I'd think about what to do next.

Original poster
namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 17:24

Checking name change...

OP posts:
iffyjiffybag · 17/04/2018 17:28

Forward the email to SM and allow her to decide what she wants to do about it. For all you know they may have an arrangement, or alternatively she has no idea he's been using prostitutes and SM deserves to not have her health threatened at the very least, don't you think?

If SM is unaware she will feel betrayed by everyone around her when she finds out. Which she will one way or another.

IIWM DF would have lost any right to feel hard done by when he contacted sex workers to amuse his little dick. (As you can guess this happened to someone close to me and the DF concerned is still in the shit for lying instead of showing remorse.)

Original poster
namechangedforethicaldilemma · 17/04/2018 17:30

There is no chance that I will ignore it. There is no way I could pretend it didn't happen, I'm a shit liar, my step mum would know that something was weird. Also, to do that, I'd have to not tell DP about it, it would be wrong of me to make him complicit in the lies and DP will know something is up the second he walks through the front door.

Honestly, I hope that Step Mum knows about it. That makes the problem a fuck ton more simple. Then I'd just have to decide how I feel about my relationship with him knowing that he uses prostitutes.

Thanks to everyone on the thread for their input, you have kept me sane this afternoon...DP really didn't need me phoning his work and crying down the phone, which is what would have happened.

At the moment, my plan is to give it a few days to let myself calm the fuck down (ragey emails do no one any good) then to return the emails, ask him what the heck is going on.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 17/04/2018 17:32

I think a lot depends on what your relationship with your step-mother is like. If you're close and reasonably good at people skills, I think this is one of those situations best handled face-to-face, with a big box of tissues at the ready. I generally think this is the best way to break any kind of bad news - with plenty of support immediately available (and into the future too). Any other solution will involve her knowing that you have already seen the email anyway.

Lovemusic33 · 17/04/2018 17:32

So you have several options,

You ignore and carry on as if you know nothing (not sure I could do this but it saves a lot of stress).

You email him it back asking “was this meant for me?”, there’s really no way he can talk his way out of it so then you tell him he has to tell his wife or you will?

You keep the email and you tell your step mum and let her deal with it in her own way.

I feel for you OP, it’s a hard position to be in and there won’t be a happy ending but I feel for your step mum, she needs to know what he’s up too, it’s wether you approach him or her first.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 17/04/2018 17:36

My Dad once actually brought his mistress to stay overnight in my house. I was very uncomfortable but was at the time v depressed myself (lonely & isolated with 2 babies while DH travelled for work for months) so did not have the strength to challenge him. Looking back I wish I had stood up to him and said he should not have put me in the position of colluding with him in a secret which was so disrespectful to his wife (my step-mother)

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/04/2018 17:45

If it wasn't a stepmum, if it was a birth mother, a sibling, or a friend's DH had accidentally emailed someone, not one person would be suggesting you ignore it or keep it to yourself.

She has a right to know, it would be wrong to keep this information from her. It could even save her life (what if he picks up a disease from a prostitute and passes it on to her?).

Butterymuffin · 17/04/2018 17:50

How would you want your stepmum to deal with it if this had been your DP who had mistakenly forwarded her such email? Would you want her to say 'none of my business', protect him and keep quiet?

Angelf1sh · 17/04/2018 17:51

I agree with taking a day or two to think but I’d just reply saying it’s clearly not for me but he needs to speak to his wife or you will.

LeChatDeNuit · 17/04/2018 17:56

Something similar happened to me many years ago. I discovered my father had been doing internet searches looking for sex workers. I never said a word but asked him not to use my computer again.

I was a teenager at the time so it was all very confusing. I think if it hadn’t happened as an adult, I would have asked him to explain himself. He’s dead now and I genuinely have no idea if my mother knows or not. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did because she went along with whatever he said or did... he was physically and emotionally abusive towards her.

I think challenging him is the right thing to do. At the very least, for the sake of your poor step mother’s health. Ugh. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How vile!

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2018 17:57

I'm amazed how many people, if they were step mum, wouldn't want to know and Would prefer to keep on having sex with their partner who is paying other people for sex.

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:03

I want to be on that thread where all these 1000s of women who are happy for their partners to have sex with prostitutes come forward and say 'oh yes, my bloke does it, I don't mind at all'

HonkyWonkWoman · 17/04/2018 18:09

If you want a good way out of this for you!

Delete and ignore!
The alternative is to tell your Step Mum.
Ruin your Df and her relationship.
Ruin your relationship with your Df.
Ruin your Dc relationship with their Dgf.
I can't see how you would risk all this.
If you're so disgusted with your Df that you never want to see him again then carry on and tell your Step Mum.

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:10

Are you the Dad?

elisenbrunnen · 17/04/2018 18:12

HonkyWonkWoman - how is any of that OPs doing? What is she ruining?

This is all him - and he is the one ruining it.

Horsedogbird · 17/04/2018 18:14

Most likely he will have realised himself what he's done and be shitting himself and may end up mentioning it to you.

LeChatDeNuit · 17/04/2018 18:15

I think everything was ruined the moment OP’s father contacted a sex worker Hmm

Uniquack · 17/04/2018 18:18

I would absolutely talk to my DF about this. I would want to know. I can't imagine anything worse than being the only one in the dark about something like this while everyone around me knows about it. I'd never trust anyone again. I'd respect the person who told me, as they would have my best interests at heart.

Good luck OP.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/04/2018 18:26

OP even if your stepmother knows/suspects that your father is being unfaithful (with sex workers or in general), there is a big difference between knowing privately and being told. Being told means no more pretending not to know, no more hoping it will resolve itself without action, effectively being forced to do something about the situation.

Before you tell her, do consider what her options are outside the marriage.

HIVpos · 17/04/2018 19:13

@Mintychoc1 it must have been very frustrating as you would have been bound by confidentiality not to disclose to the guy's wife. If he was on effective treatment with an undetectable viral load for over 6 months I guess there would have been no need as she would not have been at risk. Good for the infectious disease consultant for telling though as she must have needed to get tested and I hope she was ok.

@SomeKnobend & @KittTheCarr unfortunately (in the UK at least) it is not a crime to not disclose you are HIV+, unless you actually infect them. It's different in Scotland where you can't have unprotected sex without disclosing - or risk prosecution. It's treated as GBH - either reckless or intentional if someone knows their status and is not on medication and does this.

It's a very fine line on what to do. STI clinics often see person after person coming in and through partner notification hear the same name over and over again on who has infected them, and other than requesting they come in to be tested are powerless to act due to confidentiality.

Anyway, that aside...to the OP - definitely something should be done. If his wife is unaware of what your dad is doing, well, you can live with STIs and not know it for several years until it has done serious damage. This is of course apart from the emotional aspect. However I think you should address it with him and ask if he is testing regularly for a start. So tricky in that he is your dad and you should have to do this though Sad

0ccamsRazor · 17/04/2018 19:15

Personally I would want to know if my dh was sticking his cock in some other person, no way would I want him putting it anywhere near me after, yuck!

Poor step mother Sad

and poor you Op Flowers