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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse

148 replies

Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:17

I've been shouted at - called a liar for not saying I was going to see a play with my friend, told I was too chatty - want to be everyone's friend. Snapped at - feel like I'm being interrogated at times ie I dozed off watching youtube - he text - I didn't see it until I woke - when I called him back in said was watching youtube and dozed off - cue 10 minutes of him 'this doesn't make sense - you were either awake or asleep' - we have been going out for a year don't live together - see each other mostly on weekends

. He can pick an argument over nothing but then can be the most lovely person on other occasions - I haven't spoken to him since yesterday as he kept hanging up the phone on me. Each time I called back and he declined the call etc etc. I ended up telling him I was sick of the childishness and to converse with me like an adult ! - he can be so aggressive during arguments also.

I just want to write this down as I'm doubting myself - this behaviour isn't right is it? - is it emotional abuse?

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 16/04/2018 19:21

Yep. Get rid. It'll only get worse.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 16/04/2018 19:21

Yes he sounds emotionally abusive. I'd
Cut your losses now and dump him! It will only get worse. It's him with the issues not you by the sounds of it.

Sally2791 · 16/04/2018 19:24

Get rid now don't waste any more time on him

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:26

Why can't I see this when it's happening - why can't I trust myself and respect myself enough not to allow someone to treat me this way. Why is he behaving this way? - what do they get out of it?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 16/04/2018 19:27

Definitely get rid. It shouldn’t be this difficult/painful/upsetting at the one year point. Cut your losses before you’re anymore involved.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 16/04/2018 19:31

One year? This should be your honeymoon period! You should both be on your best behaviour and al lovey dovey.

He’s not.

He’s showing you just who he is. Emotionally abusive.

Do you like him? No.

Run for the fucking hills. Thank god you’re not married to him and don’t live with him.

SianRunner · 16/04/2018 19:39

Oh it's not you, OP.

Blokes like this show you their good side first, or you wouldn't be interested, right?

Then they start getting a bit shitty, bit by bit.

You've done well spotting it. Bin him. He has a nasty streak and a temper he won't control and he's punishing you for his own shortcomings.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:43

Can someone explain why they do it? - what pay off does someone get from being this way then acting like nothing is wrong or being super nice after an argument - Imy not saying I'm perfect but he is so nasty at times.

He actually cuts me off at times when I'm speaking - ie I'll be telling him something that happened in work and he will act all irritated and snap at me saying 'I don't know these people' etc etc then will text later 'sorry for being narky ' it's horrible.

I don't know why but it's making me feel better writing this down and reading your reactions - it's like I can't believe myself or something

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 16/04/2018 19:45

Fuck him off op, he sounds awfully controlling and abusive

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/04/2018 19:47

He is a puppeteer =control freak. Pulling your strings, dropping you, pulling you back in. . Only you can change things.
Ltb.
There really is no other way.

BlondeB83 · 16/04/2018 19:48

Get rid, it’s all about control! Been there, done that! Never looked back and neither will you!

Footle · 16/04/2018 19:50

He's what is technically known as a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:54

Is it normal to feel like other people have to agree with me before I believe it?- I feel like I need to defend myself ie explain the things he is doing to you all because for some reason I dont trust myself. - I'm so angry with myself for allowing it yet why am.I not walking away?

I'm proud of myself too - strangely - though as I haven't called him or contacted him at all today which I normally would after an argument - I just won't today for some reason

OP posts:
notfunnyhaha85 · 16/04/2018 19:59

To answer your question why they do it, from personal experience my ex was deeply miserable and used me as his emotional punch bag. An outlet for his frustrations and a way to make himself feel better I suppose. He only used to really instigate conversation when he was feeling down so he could pick a fight, scream at me, call me names and ignore me the rest of the day.

There's obviously more to it than that as abusers have quite deep seated psychological issues but those I've come across are perpetually unhappy.

You deserve a life better than this and you know you do too Thanks

Bananalanacake · 16/04/2018 20:01

Well thank God you don't live with him, was he suggesting you move in together, this is what they usually do. well done on holding your head up high and ignoring him.

SianRunner · 16/04/2018 20:01

Can someone explain why they do it? - what pay off does someone get from being this way

If they can persuade a woman to put up with it, they've got a servant on tap. It may be a subconscious thing, I don't know. But it doesn't make it any less horrible.

SianRunner · 16/04/2018 20:03

P.s. but always on some level they choose to do it.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 20:25

He tells me he loves me - doesn't want to lose me - when I've left him before he has been so upset but son reverts back to normal.

I've gone over it all in my head and I know I've tried my hardest to make it work. I've been as supportive to him as I could be - kind to his children etc - he has behaved so badly - then can make big gestures - gifts -so thoughtful at times in emotional ways too - then bang! - kicking off - quite a jealous person also - I can't talk about my child's dad - who I have a good parenting relationship with - without worrying he will go mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 20:26

Sorry - it's all just spilling out of me - 😨

OP posts:
SianRunner · 16/04/2018 20:29

Men like this are like a misprinted page. Some of the sentences make sense, and you think, oh, I can read and understand and enjoy that story. And then it goes all wonkyyyxvgsfdfghh and you think, oh that's a mistake.

And then mistakes completely take over the page. And that's all there is.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 20:33

The thing is when he says he loves me he honestly seems to believe it - it's like he thinks his behaviour is normal and we are just having a row - not abusive.

OP posts:
SuperSkyRocketing · 16/04/2018 20:35

Why do they do it? Control, control, control...and what notfunnyhaha85 said.

I was like you and wanted to understand why the abusive twat I dated did what he did. Just remember it's all about him and nothing about you but don't get wrapped up in why he's like he is. It's his choice. Some people will blame it on MH issues or a bad childhood but plenty of people go through those things and aren't abusive to their partners.

Bin him off as quickly as possible and don't look back.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 20:37

Thanks for reading and replying - he doesn't love me does he? 😣

OP posts:
SuperSkyRocketing · 16/04/2018 20:41

These men generally hate all women. If he believes he loves you it's because he loves having someone to abuse.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 20:46

He has 2 children from 2 relationships - one of the dc mother won't speak to him - other is cordial.

He sees a counsellor but I honestly don't know what good its doing.

OP posts:
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