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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional abuse

148 replies

Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:17

I've been shouted at - called a liar for not saying I was going to see a play with my friend, told I was too chatty - want to be everyone's friend. Snapped at - feel like I'm being interrogated at times ie I dozed off watching youtube - he text - I didn't see it until I woke - when I called him back in said was watching youtube and dozed off - cue 10 minutes of him 'this doesn't make sense - you were either awake or asleep' - we have been going out for a year don't live together - see each other mostly on weekends

. He can pick an argument over nothing but then can be the most lovely person on other occasions - I haven't spoken to him since yesterday as he kept hanging up the phone on me. Each time I called back and he declined the call etc etc. I ended up telling him I was sick of the childishness and to converse with me like an adult ! - he can be so aggressive during arguments also.

I just want to write this down as I'm doubting myself - this behaviour isn't right is it? - is it emotional abuse?

OP posts:

Helpimfalling · 22/04/2018 16:28

Daphne's I would happily swap numbers to WhatsApp you or anyone struggling I commented the other day about my abusive husband and it's such a coincidence that on Wednesday he left for work and never came home I have cried and pleaded and begged and he won't come home keeps telling me I've drove him to this and he's been drinking for five days straight I'm convinced he's slept with someone else and that's why he won't come home he's ignored me all the time and only answered on three occasion I must have called thousands of times

Sad thing is we have children and I'm broken I begged last night via 28 text messages unread till this morning he had put all his calls on divert and decided today I'm not going to try again so I revisited this thread to be strong with you...but I'm struggling really struggling today I'm heartbroken please help me girls

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 16:48

I got a message yesterday with a picture of a trampoline and a message to say he brought it this for my daughters birthday...dont know how that will work now 😡😡😡😡 but a promise is a promise!!!... i didnt reply. So i got another message this message which I did reply to and as usual I got a barge of abused saying it's all my fault.. I'm a bitch, fake, liar and that he hates me.. he can't see any fault with his own behaviour.. I'm done. Stay strong OP..

Original poster

Daphne18 · 22/04/2018 16:56

help - I feel horrible for you just reading that - If you can could you avoid your phone for a little bit - even 5 minutes without checking your phone is an achievement - next time try leaving it for 6 minutes ). Small steps and victories

It won't always feel as bad as it does now - that's what I'm telling myself. - I've developed a headache that won't shift. I think it's stress tbh.
I've heard nothing from him and I think it's that that is hurting me most - the fact that he is game playing and I'm so hurt.

He won't win though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daphne18 · 22/04/2018 16:59

jess are u ok?

OP posts:

tituspup · 22/04/2018 17:04

I'm in this situation too I'm so unhappy but 5 months pregnant and see no way out

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 17:10

Yeah im ok.. angry more than anything. He's so good at being empathic and giving advise to other people but he can never see things from my point of view or take his own advise. To him because he does some lovely stuff for me it makes him my god. I think I'm pretty easy to be in a relationship with. I never ask or expect anything. I'm attractive, thoughtful, caring, kind I gave everything i have to him thinking he was the love of my life.. but it's just not good enough. Nothing I can do about that.. I have no more to give.

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 17:15

It's is all just a game for them.. they think they are gods gift and we should be grateful having them in our lives and we should worship them.

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 22/04/2018 18:08

There like hurt little boys who grew up to wear the cloak of entitlement, but forgot to pin on any sense of responsibility or empathy.

Helpimfalling · 22/04/2018 19:28

@jessicasmummy04 what's your situation

I've gone on stronger meds as of Thursday and waiting for them to kick in I'm just so drained and I know there's no way back and one day it will be worth it and it won't hurt but it hurts to know he's having the time of his life with god knows who and he knows I will be beside myself with the Kids at home like the mug I am

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 20:52

I made a joke to my ex finacee last Thursday "not even Channing Tatum coujd get aeay with that" he said "go and date him then and stormed off ignored me for the rest of the night". I left on the morning and hadn't spoken to him until this morning and we have been back and forth messaging since. Him blaming me.. he's right he was pissed off and I could have just said "sorry babe it was just a joke" but felt his reaction was completely over reacted so o was pissed off at that and yet again it's a stupid thing that's ended in him talking to me like shit.. if usually see past it all and we'd make up but after "I hope the next guy beats the crap out of you you nasty little bitch" I've taken my ring off I'll send it back to him tomorrow and I'll never look back... I'm broken. I loved him more than I've loved anyone and he treated me like a queen most of the time but this has happened 5 times now I'm tired of it.. same cycle of him blaming me, the criticism, horrid words.. I can't do anymore it's just not good enough

Helpimfalling · 22/04/2018 21:07

Omg I wish I could be as brave as you guys I wish I could take my ring off and say il never look back he's not that special and not that great so I don't know why I feel I need him to much

What's he texting you saying now does he want to makeup

Helpimfalling · 22/04/2018 21:08

I also feel confused and empty numb and broken @jessicasmummy04

notfunnyhaha85 · 22/04/2018 21:23

Jessica you're amazing and should feel proud of yourself you've broken it off with him to give yourself and your DD a better life and you know that you don't deserve to be treated like this.

I know I'm just a faceless person on the internet but please believe me when I say this. You'll be ok, you really will. The advice that stayed with me and stopped me crawling back to him came from a very matter of fact but lovely counsellor - 'He doesn't miss you the way you miss him. He misses having someone to control and shout abuse at. Eventually he'll find someone else to manipulate and you'll be forgotten about'. And she was right. He moved on, had DC with some poor soul and is currently single and friendless and I've been married to my amazing DH for six years and have two DC.

Stay strong and here's to a better life!

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 21:25

No he'll not apologise.. he's still messaging calling me a liar and fake etc etc.. he thinks he's God and that he's the best man I'll ever meet blah blah blah.. I've heard it all before.

You feel you need him because he's made you feel like that.

I've been through some shit in my life and told him when I met him I will only be with someone because a want to be not because I need to be I can't go I alone I was happy before I met him and I'll be happy and less stressed after I've got him out of my system...

Given time you will too

NutCase82 · 22/04/2018 21:27

Please leave this person now.

He will grind you down. Two things could happen if you stay 1. You will lose all sense of self worth 2. You will regret it and feel absolute waste and shame for your life.

I am speaking from experience. I'm not sure why but I think it comes from a place of self doubt or lack of confidence but comes out as rage and loving themselves (??) it truly is baffling. I have moved several times, got pets, given up pets, given up friends (he also made it very difficult for me to sick around my family), and finally I had a baby - all to try to get him to stick to his sunny side personality. NOTHING WORKS. My baby is PERFECT!! And if that baby is not enough to make him be a nicer person then NOTHING will.

He treats the baby the same way. It's sickening. He threatens to take baby away, I'm a shit mother, his ex was a better mother etc etc then I'm the best mother he's ever seen, he loves me so much he doesn't want to lose me. It's ridiculous.

Please, please just get out and don't be another victim to the beauty and the beast effect. You won't be the one thing he needs to change him. Nothing you ever do will be enough.

I'm sorry, but I'm glad I can tell you this at this point. I wish I had left when I began to see the warning signs.

notfunnyhaha85 · 22/04/2018 21:32

Help your posts are heartbreaking to read you've done so well to ignore him for this long and taken the right steps in getting medication to help you through it. Have you tried calling Woman's Aid? They'll be able to give you better qualified advice than me but my first thought would be to change the locks so the bastard couldn't get back in if he wanted to!

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 21:34

Beauty and the Beast is exactly what he is.

Couldn't do enough for me, flowers, words of loves etc.. then boom.. I do something he doesn't like and I'm the worst person on earth. All my friends dislike him. Was not happy that we were engaged.. I haven't told a soul what's been going on in too ashamed of taking him back the last time and not listening to them!

jessicasmummy04 · 22/04/2018 21:36

My daughter is going to be heart broken she absolutely adores him..he was amazing with her.. another family I've broken up for her.. the guilt is horrific.

Helpimfalling · 22/04/2018 22:59

I've just found out this hour he's been cheating I brought condoms the other day they've been opened and one removed I found a wrapper in the garden the other day in his smoking section I picked it up and asked where it come from and he accused me of having an affair

He keeps leaving early at five for work and last month said he was sleeping
at work a few times when we've argued I'm so gullible I've believed all this

All the other wife's of work colleagues are blanking me pretending they didn't see me they use to stop and talk for hours

I've just started at the empty condom box and figured it all out I've text him and he's read one but ignored the rest

I feel it in my gut help girls I'm breaking down

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 22/04/2018 23:36

You've had quite a shock, help. You probably need to put that phone down - better, turn it off overnight - and have a hot drink, and think about getting your head down.

You can think better about this in the morning. It's a lot to process and you just can't do it all tonight.

NutCase82 · 23/04/2018 08:45

Text book.
He will come and blame you for it - lack of attention, nagging, arguing with him - it will all be your fault and also why were you snooping at the condoms, you must of been getting one out to cheat on him, you're accusing him to cover up your own cheating.
Honestly these men must of all been given the same arsehole guide book.
It's absolutely pathetic!
And whoever said about splitting up another family when the daughter adores him well it's better than her seeing her mother (and herself, because believe me he won't just save it all for you!) being treated like a shit on a shoe, often it turns to physical violence maybe not a smack in the chops but a push or a shove for sure, a joking wringing of the neck or 'play' fight that leaves you crushed under his weight and gasping for breath and possible cracked ribs.
Leave the fucker. We are better off single!! THEY WILL NOT PERMANENTLY CHANGE. EVER!!!

Helpimfalling · 23/04/2018 10:32

I know in a few weeks il be fine but it's day six and still not a thing last night I text him saying I know he read it and didn't respond il also text saying it's not fair for me to be with kids in this state he needs to put me out my misery he didn't even bother reading the text I called him at five am he diverted me feels like the bottoms fallen out my world and the walls have caved in and it's all been a lie and more and more stuff is making sense like the fact he's been staring work at five am when he's not contracted to start till eight same thing happened last year and he disappeared over night after working these early mornings

Helpimfalling · 30/04/2018 20:19

How you doing ladies

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