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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse

148 replies

Daphne18 · 16/04/2018 19:17

I've been shouted at - called a liar for not saying I was going to see a play with my friend, told I was too chatty - want to be everyone's friend. Snapped at - feel like I'm being interrogated at times ie I dozed off watching youtube - he text - I didn't see it until I woke - when I called him back in said was watching youtube and dozed off - cue 10 minutes of him 'this doesn't make sense - you were either awake or asleep' - we have been going out for a year don't live together - see each other mostly on weekends

. He can pick an argument over nothing but then can be the most lovely person on other occasions - I haven't spoken to him since yesterday as he kept hanging up the phone on me. Each time I called back and he declined the call etc etc. I ended up telling him I was sick of the childishness and to converse with me like an adult ! - he can be so aggressive during arguments also.

I just want to write this down as I'm doubting myself - this behaviour isn't right is it? - is it emotional abuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 11:16

I tell you people like that will end up so lonely - is that the goal I wonder. ? My theory - conceived at 4am I grant you - is that there is some level of self hatred within people like him - it's as If by loving them they view you as less - ie if you love me daphne there is something wrong with you -

I'm so nervous about having to deal with him again - I don't know why

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MargoLovebutter · 19/04/2018 11:22

Daphne, I think your theory is right. They don't like themselves, so how can they like or even love anyone else.

Of course you are nervous, because you think he'll apply pressure in some way (tell you he loves you, or shout at you) and you will cave. I've been there so many times myself.

Stay strong, keep calm and remember all the horrible stuff he has done and then you won't cave.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 11:25

It's such a waste! - why? - I was good to him! - good for him+ 😢

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dizzy174 · 19/04/2018 11:29

perhaps now is the time to write a list, sorry don't know what it is called but someone on mn will enlighten you - stay strong x

MargoLovebutter · 19/04/2018 11:32

It's not a waste Daphne, because you've learnt about yourself and you've learnt what to look out for in a future relationship. Nothing is ever a waste, I promise.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 11:39

This statement worries me I was good to him and really did give it 100%
And this one Thanks for reading and replying - he doesn't love me does he?

It matters not one jot whether he loves you deeply or not. He is treating you very very badly. That isna reason to dump him. His feelings over being dumped are irrelevant.

I don't even really know what you mean by really did give it 100%. In a relationship, you need to be as true to yourself as possible, not trying to buy the other person's love somehow.

Do you mean repeatedly ignoring awful awful behaviour from him is what you think a good partner should do?

Yet at the same time you think he should have to love you because I was good to him and really did give it 100% You are attaching completely opposite ruels of behaviour to him and to you. You wouldn't dream of doing to him what he's doing to you and you would expect him to drop you like a hot stone if you did. But you don't apply the same rules to yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 11:40

I'd ghost him if I were you.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 11:47

I suppose I'm examining my own behaviour so I can stop feeling that I am somehow partially to blame

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MargoLovebutter · 19/04/2018 11:51

Daphne, you aren't too blame for someone else's bad behaviour - EVER!

I had therapy. If you can, I'd recommend it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 11:55

The only thing you should "blame" yourself for is not dumping him sooner.

You relationship thinking does come across as dysfunctional which puts you at risk of being caught by an abusive.

He is the one at fault though. Not you. He is being a bad person.

You could protect yourself from bad people better in future. That still doesn't make you the person at fault.

The Freedom Programme might help you learn how to protect yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 11:56

Awful grammar and typos. Fat phone fingers. Hope you get the gist.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 12:57

Can any of you tell me what to expect next - forewarned is forearmed etc 😢

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Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 13:29

I'm so grateful thank you

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 14:02

What has happened before when you tried to split up?

Selfish arrogant mean people seem to go for a charm offensive knowing they've crossed the line but it comes with a hefty side of me,me,me. You have to stay because he wants, he feels, he needs. Plus telling you that you are wrong to feel how you feel. And it is all your fault anyway somehow. No care shown for how you feel, what you want, what is best for you.

MargoLovebutter · 19/04/2018 14:06

There's an outside chance that he'll recognise you are a lost cause & just back off & go. That would be the best possible for you I think.

More than likely, he will try to persuade you to see the error of your ways. If he is clever, he'll tell you he loves you and it was all a mistake and he is really, really, really sorry and it won't happen again and he will hope that you fall for it. If he is less clever, he'll half apologise but also try to blame you and make you feel a bit guilty and at fault and hope that you fall for that. If he is really stupid, he'll be aggressive and horrible and again that makes it easy, because you can see him for the horrible person that he is and show him the door - permanently.

Whatever happens, you have to remember he has not been good to you for a long time. He will not change. You deserve better. Do not fall for any of it. Stay strong, keep your head high & walk away.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 14:28

Im preparing myself for him to either completely ignore me - ie I'm not woth the bother or call me up about returning clothes etc I've left in his apartment - hopefully he keeps away for a few more days though if he does make contact so I can feel a bit stronger

I feel like such a wuss!

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Wadingthroughshit · 19/04/2018 15:06

You’re not a wuss ... it’s bloody hard and upsetting. I’ve had a horrendous day with mine...I don’t underestimate the pain you’re feeling and the grieving and sense of loss muddled with confusion and anger. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with friends and family

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 15:42

Are u ok wading - it's horrible isn't it?

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 15:47

You could block him for a few days. That way you know you don't have to be on tenterhooks worrying if/when he will contact you. When you feel strong enough, unblock and ask him to drop your stuff off with a friend.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 15:48

Take control of the situation.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 20:15

I can't do anything at the minute so I'll do nothing - I'm trying to do what causes me least stress and even the thought of blocking him never mind conversing with him is enough to make me feel ill.

I feel like the most basic of things are beyond me at the minute - it's taking all my concentration just to make it through the day at work. I'm so angry at myself

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lovemenot · 19/04/2018 21:46

Don’t be angry at yourself. You have figured this out after only a year - it took me 20!

Just know you deserve better. It’s as simple as that.

SuperSkyRocketing · 19/04/2018 22:02

Personally I would take control and send him a text telling him it's over. That way it cuts out waiting for him to make the next move and you can start moving forward. At the moment you're basically stuck trying to anticipate what he'll do next.

Send the text and block him if you can't deal with the fallout. That can't be any more exhausting than the waiting that you're doing at the moment. You need to be rid of him.

Original poster
Daphne18 · 19/04/2018 22:21

No- I will do nothing I think until I feel stronger. He isn't trying to contact me - 5 days now - so I think he will just leave me be now. Small steps for me but significant ones.

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Original poster
Daphne18 · 20/04/2018 09:23

Starting watching lundy bancroft webinair - I'm shocked - so many similarities

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