Emotional abuse

[Daphne18]

I've been shouted at - called a liar for not saying I was going to see a play with my friend, told I was too chatty - want to be everyone's friend. Snapped at - feel like I'm being interrogated at times ie I dozed off watching youtube - he text - I didn't see it until I woke - when I called him back in said was watching youtube and dozed off - cue 10 minutes of him 'this doesn't make sense - you were either awake or asleep' - we have been going out for a year don't live together - see each other mostly on weekends

. He can pick an argument over nothing but then can be the most lovely person on other occasions - I haven't spoken to him since yesterday as he kept hanging up the phone on me. Each time I called back and he declined the call etc etc. I ended up telling him I was sick of the childishness and to converse with me like an adult ! - he can be so aggressive during arguments also.

I just want to write this down as I'm doubting myself - this behaviour isn't right is it? - is it emotional abuse?

They want to confuse you to make you break down and feel like shit.
So then they can be your saviour and feel important.

I'm not breading down though - I don't feel anything tbh

It’s stress/relief exhaustion. It’s normal after events like this. Big adrenaline rush, big come down.

No, he doesn’t love you, he loves controlling women and making them jump to his every wish. He enjoys making them anxious and unworthy. He enjoys seeing people squirm and being able to control their emotions. Nasty wanker.

He doesnt panic because you are leaving, he is panicking because

1. he is losing control of you, that is his ultimate aim to be in control, it must revolve around him and his needs

2. he wants to make you feel like he is worried about losing you so you get sympathetic and back pedal on what you want to do - again a controlling behaviour

He will do his level best to ensure you are filled with doubt about your own actions and needs while deflecting any and everything from himself

I had 14 years with a man just the same and i walked away a shadow of my former self. I still have 0 confidence.

I am with everyone else, leave now and dont listen when he begs and pleads. He may get nasty...most do, make sure you have a support network and stay away.

Please leave him. Even if he thinks he loves you his actions towards you are not loving and will bring you harm. His behaviour is massively controlling and manipulative and will seriously wear you down. You dont need this in your life and you cannot help him. You could love him to the ends of the earth and it will not make him stop being controlling. This is clearly who he is. And staying with him just gives him more reason to be like this because its clearly working for him in keeping you where he wants you.

You know I'm kind of enjoying the numbness - usually I would be so anxious - trying to make contact and smooth it all over - it's nice not to be worrying. I bet he is waiting on me trying to talk to him - I feel exhausted just thinking of it

You're doing great, Daphne. Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning

Blanche I'm so fatigued - honestly feel like I could sleep for a year - I wonder is it the stress of it all - havent heard a word from him nor have I contacted him - I'm anxious when I think about it tbh - thank you to everyone who has taken the time out to help me - really appreciate it

Bless you, it's not surprising you feel this way. His silence is probably another tactic of his, little does he know you've got him figured out now.

Don't waste any more time trying to understand why he's the way he is, it could be deep rooted insecurity or he could simply be a nasty, controlling person. Calculated or not, he isn't your problem and his issues aren't yours.

I see what you mean. I suppose I wanted to know his tactics ie what to expect - the silence is deafening - I wish I could feel awake - I'm numb and it's so weird

Daphne I know this story all too well I'm on this same book I've read it three times please don't be me daphne don't look back please run for your life

Sounds very controlling and very unpleasant, it could also get worse.
Leave him, find someone who will be nicer to you, or this will continue to be your life.
Everyone deserves to be happy, find someone who will make you happy.

It doesn't matter why he does it, and it is definitely NOT your fault! It's not down to you to figure out why he behaves like this, or to fix him or the relationship, or to try and smooth things over every time.

He's a swine. You really don't have to put up with him, you know.

Best of luck

Good for you Daphne - really, really good for you. I stuck with someone who emotionally abused me for years. It was a long slow campaign that I didn't really notice initially and then was too worn down to know what to do.

That you recognised it now and have taken action is fantastic. Stay strong and never forget that you are ALWAYS better off without that kind of crap.

"Is it normal to feel like other people have to agree with me before I believe it?"

It's what happens when you are ground down over time, and I'm sure he is brilliant at convincing you it's all your fault. It happened to me over three years and my self esteem dropped to the point that I could barely tell anymore which way was up. I think sometimes we also try to justify their behaviour to ourself or look at what we could have done differently to prevent it because it's easier than facing up to the reality of the situation, and obviously there are things you love about him or were at the beginning, which it is difficult to let go of.

But you do really have to - I've learned that the hard way. It was only when friends started saying that he "was being really nasty to me" in situations they witnessed where I had gone away convinced by him that it was all my fault, that I started to see what was happening. It still took until he hit me two days before our wedding and (after I still went through with it) having him screaming at me and giving me the silent treatment on our honeymoon that I finally managed to get myself out of it. Take it from me, get out now before you are years down the line because then it will be all much more difficult to find your way out of it and to recover from! But don't beat yourself up for having got into this situation - there may be underlying patterns you want to examine in future for yourself but this can happen to anyone, it is not your fault. And as previous posters have mentioned, these guys take a while to show you who they are, by which point they've got you emotionally hooked. Take care Daphne and stay strong, good luck, it will be better without him.

Ive never gone this long in an argument with him (that I can remember there have been so many ) without contact. I'm surprised tbh thar my anxiety has not kicked in -

I want to stop checking my phone though although I'm patting myself on the back for not contacting him - small wins.

You have a fantastic chance to to end it now. You deserve more, your parents didn't give birth to you to be treated like dirt. Who does he think he is. How would you feel if someone treated your child like it. H sounds very childish. Please Block him right now and move on. Sending much love, 💐💐

This rings so many bells for me, but it was my father. Ground my mother down so she wasn't able to have any opinions of her own, or if she did, resulted in long term sulking (great for us kids) and then violence (you can imagine)

You don't need to be with this man, you've had brilliant advice here,
Be strong, I know it's not easy but it'll be a hell of a lot harder down the road.

PS Mum stayed with him for 30 miserable years. She has a life of her own now and I'm so proud of her, Dad died drunk and alone.

I feel like it's grief - horrible - so sad - as I was good to him and really did give it 100%- I am remembering some of the awful things he has said during arguments called me needy - lying c### -weak - yet I've never been so weak that I've had to bully someone the way he has tried to bully me. -

Please stay away from this man, if you truly are interested in why abusive/ controlling men behave that way then this book is a must!
Lundy Bancroft's why does he do that is really insightful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=lundy+bancroft+why+does+he+do+that&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1524108059&sr=8-1

This link here describest the different profiles of abusers and is a series of excerpts from lundy's book

protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2015/06/15/family-court-abusecorruption-abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/

I will try to post more in the morning but I am sending strength to you! Have a look through women's aid for the freedom program, abusers are so manipulative that you can have very skewed boundaries after an abusive relationship. The freedom program can help reset good boundaries and help you avoid abusive men in the future.

Hi OP ... I’ve been lurking on your thread, a lot of similarities...how are you today ?

I'm numb tbh. I want to stop checking my phone to see if he has text etc and I'm so so angry with myself for caring but Im trying not to punish myself and just try to take comfort from the fact that I haven't caved and made contact - it's the doubting myself that is killing me. - how are you wading?

I appreciate you all taking time to help me - I appreciate it so much - I just have so much emotion spilling out of me I don't know what end of me is up or down - I'm just trying so hard to stay strong.

You will feel that way...I left about 8/9/10 times to get to this point. I went NC for five days, caved and have had him speak about nothing else but me having sex with other guys, swearing at me and then refusing to talk to me. It’s the confusion that bites, it makes you doubt yourself. You know something doesn’t feel right or you wouldn’t be on here. That in itself is reason enough to leave. Like previous posters have said, it’s the control they love, not the person as such. Some people may allow more control than others and those relationships tend to go on longer. I haven’t seen you mention woman’s aid, would you consider visiting them? Or have you ? Don’t be like me.

Another book is Patricia Evans, The Verbally abusive relationship.It explains tactics and "names" what you are experiencing.

The reason you are struggling is because his behaviour is not rational and never will be.A healthy mind can't understand an unhealthly mind, unless you want to train in mental health.

We can guess at his agenda/motives based on typical abusers. Often it's replaying his childhood and he literally does not know how to respond differentely.Others suggest it brain wiring and as a result he does not have capacity for empathy or stable and rational emotional responses.
It is however also important not to label what can just be bad behaviour, he has learned if he behaves like this he is in control.There are benefits to his behaviour, look for this as can be illuminating.

Why is he upset when you want to leave? Well he has spent a year investing in you, putting on an act and now its wasted.He is likely to start again with a new person and that will involve effort.Look up narcisstic supply.

Counselling is very challenging to change abusers behaviour..ex was in counselling for years and actually made it worse due to his inability to self reflect and black & white thinking.He genuinely believes he is the victim and cannot reflect others perspectives so therefore his counselling will not be balanced.

Know that he will continue to behave like this...nice/nasty cycle which is dependant on his emotions and therefore your life will be dictated by how he feels and his needs.
Occasionally he will be nice to you or meet your needs but it will never be equal or a geninely loving partnership.