In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

I am getting on nicely with the Vogel Menopause Support supplements. I have been taking them for only a week. I still get the odd bad night's sleep but I can honestly say I am feeling much better already.

Nice to know my former self is slowly re-emerging after two years of grief....!

Hello myidentity. I'm a lifelong blubber, I'm afraid, emotions close to the surface, cry at adverts. So I can tell you that crying won't hurt you, and if you are not one of life's weepers, this phase will probably pass.

Sounds like you are doing great things about applying for a new job and improving your health. Why the guilt?

Can I join you please? My mug indicates how I sometimes feel about being 57. Recognise much of this stuff. The anxiety, about motorways (already mentioned) adult DD, pet health...yada yada. I gave up a job 18 months ago that should have been a good job, apart from my line manager. I feel any ambition has gone (and I used to have it). Also recognise the 'Can't do job A until job X is done, so nothing ends up being done. I am trying to lose the weight, and do more exercise, but it seems over-whelming sometimes.Today the dishwasher is still showing the fault that the man has said doesn't exist (and been paid the call out charge for ) the cat is in for an operation tomorrow, and it feel sooooo overwhelming.

People say good things about CBT for anxiety. Could you try that? Just a gentle word though: pink mugs with, umm, wistful sayings about how being a person is too complicated (what is your alternative?) is probably not the kind of thing to put lead in your pencil, steel in your backbone and generally give you the necessary oomph you need to get the engineer back and organise the cat! Did you ever see 'Love Nina'? about a rather useless nanny? Her formidable employer, played by Helena Bonham Carter, remarks acidly, after one particularly useless episode, "You won't be 20 and cute forever, you know. Be less crap." We're all of us way past ingenue stage - we are big grown-up women and we can certainly manage the dishwasher! Maybe go for a nice walk first, or do 20 starjumps and sit-ups? It'll be fine!

Shockers - I started CBD oil capsules but I'm not sure I felt a difference. I was taking 192 mg and didn't feel a thing - what dosage have you taken?

thelandslide - are you sure you didn't stumble into my house by mistake?!

Blessyour - this is so weird isn't it. I totally veer from one state to the other but am not especially happy in either!

Thanks for the India Knight book recommendations Peartree - I've not heard of her so would be interested to see what she's got to say. Honestly though, I wouldn't say I'm making great strides in my career at all! I've followed a higgledy-piggledy 'career path' (snort, nowhere near a path of any planned extent!). Changing the what could be very outing jobs I've had, they were along the lines of: Outdoor pursuits instructor going through two levels of qualification, typist/word processing/DTP, office manager, skiing instructor overseas, home for the kids with 8 years, within 5 months in a permanent role as a senior exec assistant, switched into the specialist 'management' area I work in but as support, did that for 3 years, now am a full manager working towards senior manager. It's honestly been a case of 'oh, I like skiing, I'm going off to train to be a ski instructor' or 'crikey, I'm really good at logical thinking so I'll be good at this type of management, let's have a crack'. Absolutely no planning whatsoever at any stage. I can say I've done plenty of things I've thoroughly enjoyed, but it's not the wisest format when you're getting to this age and thinking Christ I hope my physical and mental health hold out so I can pay off the mortgage! Least I've had a laugh along the way. In many ways Peartree you're far further ahead than me - I guess I don't feel I can stop or slow up on the job front in any way at all.

Blue do let us all know how the new eating/healthy regime goes in case you can give us some tips or let us know how your mood has altered with the changes - sounds like your mindset is really ripe for this at the moment.

Peartree the kids (not really!!) are 16 DD and 18 DS who's about to go off to uni in Sept. I'm forcing DS to be pretty financially independent thru uni. Thanks to minimal earnings last year his student finance is the full whack (but, should my plans for world domination bear fruit, hopefully my income will be more but his student loan will thus be less). So I'll have to support him a bit I'm sure, but DD is still going to be in further education for the next two years so I'll be on it with her for a good while yet.

I read through these at work today (sorry work) and was just in awe of you lot. The insights we're having, the similarities in our experience, the differences, our different approaches or areas of focus - I was thinking as I read the further posts "Wow, we are a really amazing bunch!". And we are.

We will get through this!

Spongebob I can proudly claim that when my dishwasher tablet dispenser stopped working I replaced it entirely myself!! I fitted a Ring doorbell the other week too. I will literally do ANYTHING to not get a man out if it can be avoided . Your 'repair' man sounds like an annoying twit.

Peartree. If you knew the state of my pelvic floor, you wouldn't be suggesting starjumps. Exercise does help me though. The mug was slightly tongue in cheek. Yes Doin, he has annoyed me. It would seem the dishwasher issue might be a computer programme fault, which I have worked a way round to fool it, but it may well be on the way to meet its maker, which is life.

Might look further into the CBT thing, lots of people seem to have benefitted from it.

@PearTree17 Wow. Your post yesterday at 19.48.45 - I want to hire you as my accountability coach. I love that kind of straight talking kick up the ass.

Yesterday I needed a book for work and it wa son Amazon audible for free if I signed up to the trial. I actually found myself shaking and slightly nauseous that I was signing up to some techie thing I knew nothing about. Just signing up to Audible was making me nervous.
It's so ridiculous. I did have words with myself and get on with it.

But why does this happen when we hit menopause? What's the biological benefit of being scared and tired and passive? Is it to prime us to stay put and help with rearing the next generation so we don't strike off on our own?

MinaPaws, I think scared and tired and passive is a great summary for a lot of women beyond a certain age. Me and my friend use the expression ‘shagged out’ . Too many of us put up with men who turn into boring grumpy dickheads and feel ‘that’s our lot’ I feel. Following on from finding out about husbands emotional affair with a 21 year old from 11 years ago(only found out 18 months ago totally by chance) I have become far more assertive and don’t spend my time trying to do everything to keep him sweet. I have made new younger friends via meet ups and go to a couple of classes a week too, in the past I would feel guilty because he didn’t go anywhere without me at night unless he was away with work.

Mysteriously he seems now far more into me, whilst I feel far more ‘neh’

Recognising some of the feelings - scared, passive, ground down, I dunno!! Its ironic because we all have to much to share and give, if anyone was interested in receiving .

The biological side, Mina, well there is perhaps more inward turning at this age, which part of me quite likes. Obviously, hectic socialising for mating purposes is largely unnecessary. I find I only want to share important things or have quality conversations or really funny things etc. I walked past a bar tonight, everyone sitting outside, and part of me thought I'd like to be doing that, its a shame I have no friends where I live. And my second thought was would the conversation be any good, would I probably feel flat and disappointed when I got home, and I'd rather read a book/cuddle the cat even if he doesn't want me too, etc. I'm not saying I don't need people (I really do) but perhaps not in the same way.

I'll let you all know how I get on with the new health kick, DoInIt! Re. the cannibis oil, I looked into it, after having seen it at my local health shop. I think its all the rage now. Apparently it really has to be high quality, high strength for any significant effect - and then its very expensive, too much for me. But I'm doing other good things so hopefully these will have an effect.

I feel like a caterpiller in a chyrissallis, sorry spelling. The third stage.
This requires effort and discipline - for the life force to move into this and bear its fruits.

I feel like a caterpiller in a chyrissallis, sorry spelling. The third stage

@BlueSpecks Weird. I used that exact same analogy about how I felt just the other day. Like at some point soon the cocoon has to crack open and someone stronger and more vibrant has to emerge. I remember DC both having a chrysalis stage in early teens. A whole year (13-14 I think) when they never left the house, saw no friends, stayed in, in PJs all weekend. It was definitely hormonal. The transition from child to teen. then suddenly they started sprouting muscles and hair and getting involved in life again. I bet it's all down to hromones, which is how come somany of us feel so similar on here.

OK, well please accept my apologies for unnecessary brusqueness in the face of pink accessories. I"m certainly in no position to set myself up as Arbiter of Correct Reactions, and I am sorry if I came across like that.

I discussed HRT with the GP yesterday, while getting some better medication for migraine. My hormone levels indicate that I am menopausal, but since I don't really have troubling symptoms (or at least, I don't while I follow all the sensible guidelines), then she wouldn't recommend oestrogen to supplement the progesterone I already get from the Mirena coil. I was trying to understand whether, if oestregen is basically involved in so many helpful outcomes (strong bones, temperature regulation, mental function, protection against heart disease, libido), why wouldn't it be a good thing to take for the promotion of those outcomes, rather than simply alleviating unpleasant symptoms. She responded that oestrogen has negative side effects (slightly increased risk of breast cancer and stroke) and it is possible to get the benefits from other means - calcium, vit D, exercise for stronger bones, for example. Things are starting to become a bit clearer.

At least I feel I have made some contact at the surgery on this issue, and I can book with her again if necessary, so I won't be starting from scratch. Does anyone else have any experience of life with/without oestrogen supplements?

I feel guilty about possibly leaving my current colleagues/team because we are in a very stressful job and really support each other.
Maybe because I don’t have much of a family network I put more value on the work team.

I haven’t got the job yet anyway

Well whaddyaknow Mina imagine you were thinking something similar ...

Oh, I see, myidentity. Well, best of luck with your application. And I don't suppose you would think badly of a colleague opting to improve her life by reducing hours in stressful job, so try and treat yourself as kindly as you would another. Work isn't supposed to kill you.

Great thread Doingitforthekids. House a mess - too much stuff!!! I just move things from one place to the next. Am trying to not bring anything else in to the house though.
Separated 12 months ago - my mind is clearer in many ways - he stressed me out. I've had a lot of stress in my life and I don't want any more.
I'm 54 my son is 8 - he keeps me young but I'm knackered.
Not had a period for 18 months - unsure if I'm over the worse. Peri-menopause was terrible though - period pain for weeks and weeks , feeling dragged down and weary. A friend recommended Magnesium Ok - by Wassen - they seemed to have helped a lot. I also started an anti-depressant a year ago -(ex was abusive and it got me down) that's helped with my irritability!!!!
I need to get out - I get down and angry when I'm in all weekend. I work part time - (thankfully) so I have a couple of mums I chat to in the week but the weekends can be tough.
I'm trying to push myself -
Some good ideas so thanks all.

@DoinItForTheKids, it’s this one, in a dropper bottle. I have read that the oil on its own is more easily absorbed than the capsules. It doesn’t taste particularly nice though.

I take three drops, twice a day.

Thanks shockers.

Sorry- I forgot the photo!

As a 40-something year old, can I ask if there is any advice you would give to your younger self to prepare for the challenges ahead?

Yes: keep alcohol to a minimum; start yoga and establish good eating habits.

These are things I’ve started in my 50s, but the rot had already set in.

Thanks *Shockers". Good advice. Hope this hasn't been derailing, as it's clearly a valuable thread.

Oh, and cover up in the sun! 😎