In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

I’m in my 50s.

Not sure if I’ve lost my way as I’m not entirely sure I knew where I was going anyway tbh.

Enjoying reading the thread

Dottydotts, it’s cannabis oil, but perfectly legal and sold in health food shops. The part of the plant which gives a high is taken out.

The one I’m using is CBD ONE, but I believe it’s sold in Holland and Barrett too. I bought mine from my local shop, but it had good reviews online.

I also take berocca in its tablet form (it doesn’t have the sweetener that the effervescent version does). I have found it to help with depression (over many years). It does give me cosmic pee though.

Bless, thank heavens there is someone else out there who eats family size packs of sweets! I have a weakness for Haribos. And Revels. And yes, feel both 1) and 2) as you do. But also, like Gertie ,that I maybe just meandered through life anyway...

I am trying to dwell on the positive more: thinking about what I've done this week/month/year instead of what I haven't. And live in the moment a bit more. Like trying to make the most of living with my teenagers (instead of dreading them all leaving home).

All in all it has been a good week. Even if the scales has never shown such a big number!

Katy There used to be a poster up in our staff room which stated:

DON'T LEAVE YOUR CAREER TO CHANCE!

I tore the bloody thing down because it stressed me so much! My entire career and life has been chance. I don't think I ever planned any of it, just - as you and Gertie say - meandered vaguely through it. That damn poster felt like some kind of accusation of failure .

I keep wondering at the moment where life went and was it what I wanted? What did I ever want? I have ridiculous (and random) thoughts like 'I'll never win an Olympic medal now'. 'Or have a No 1 hit'. 'Jon Bon Jovi will never ask me out...'

None of these were ever honestly likely in my 20s.

Thank you Shockers. I've heard about cannabis resin and smoking good quality for illness and that for many people it works. Is the oil like an antidepressant?

@BlessYourCottonSocks - I veer between those exact same two mindsets. Confusing isn't it? And doesn't make it easy to decide which way to go. Do I just think f88k it and eat drink and be merry in loose dresses and PJs or actually make an effort to be one of those steely eyed, muscly midde aged women I have so much fear of respect for.

Still finding this thread enjoyable .... have name changed somewhere along the line but does that even matter ...

I've had so many thoughts about this thread, its a very pertinent, sobering and humorous read. All at once! I wish I had friends like this in real life - I have a couple but I hardly ever see them.

One of the things about one's 50s is that life as lived seems to warrant reflection. Who was that girl, I think, doing her various things through her 20s, 30s, 40s? As David Byrne sang "How did I get here?"

Its also a strange time because it can be a time of new horizons - perhaps you can even get to do more of the things that suit you.
But at the same time, some possibilities are inevitably closing down, especially if financial or health limitations. I think this partly explains the up and down moods people have mentioned!

On an entirely different subject, I'm mid-50s, and feel health-wise its now or never. Faffed about dieting etc for last 5-10 years. Never really cracked it. But this time I know I will. With that sorted, the clothes will be sorted, and then can move on ...

Another thing about getting to this age is the realisation that I’m very lucky to have both my parents still around but they are getting increasingly more frail and although they are still quite independent I can see that changing.

I’ve spent much of today with DF in hospital - high potassium levels, dehydration and looks like he’s staying in for a couple of days. DM is a bit forgetful so won’t manage terribly well without him for long. I love them dearly, they are fantastic parents however I can’t stop thinking about the holiday we have booked for next month and will we be ok to go and leave them. I’m so selfish. It’s a special, much awaited trip for DH’s 60th and our 30th anniversary and I’m afraid to look forward to it at the moment in case we can’t go,

*@BlueSpecks@ - I agree about your fifties being an opportunity for a bit of clarity. We faffed around for years not going on any big holidays but since turning 50 I've been far more dynamic about places I want to visit instead of going to France or bloody Wales again because I feel, it's now or never. We're off on a major long haul holiday next spring and we've been to far more interesting places in the last couple of years, despite being on a budget.

I apologise if this doesn’t help, but following on from deaths of a couple of people I know in their 50s I had a complete change of plan. There are plenty of little jobs in my house and garden I should do but I don’t find them important any more. I am about three stone heavier than I once was and it never seems to shift. I went on a week long boot camp a while after my marriage break up, it wasn’t a great success for me but made me realise I still enjoyed lots of outdoors activities that I once did when I was young. Having taken up walking and swimming again I feel much better in myself though not much slimmer. I take up every invitation even if it’s not something I would normally do or with someone I usually see. I persuaded myself to start travelling again, I go long haul and join group tours which have a mixture of people, singles, couples and groups of friends. Also (deep breath) despite not wanting a permanent relationship I started dating again. I couldn’t imagine who would be interested in an old and overweight lady but been pleasantly surprised. My life has completely changed since I found the motivation to make some changes, building up from little ones to where I am now.

Mina nothing wrong with Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿😜

Best your not selfish at all. Your parents have lived their lives the best they could and you must do the same. 60th Birthday and 30th Wedding Anniversary are big big events in both your lives and certainly worth celebrating. Can you plan ahead for someone else to keep an eye on them just in case.

Blue I gave up dieting as if they haven't worked after 40 years they are not going to work now. Dieting is responsible for so many body issues and disordered eating from what I have seen with myself and others. I started mindful eating years ago and my weight stays stable now. I'm reading Beyond Chocolate at the moment and it's so positive and helpful for those who want to stop the dieting merry go round and lose weight by listening to their body again.

@Dottydotts - I know. It's gorgeous, really. Just had one too many rainy holidays stuck inside damp dark rental cottages for same price as we could have had lovely Med sun when DC were young and for a while I blamed Wales not DH. Since DH agreed to be more adventurous on holidays we have been back to Wales, my choice, to climb Snowdon. I love it really. It's a beautiful country.

Greetings people! haven't read the whole thread yet, but enjoying the first 8 pages and wanted to jump in. 52 here and - I think - through the menopause (in the sense of periods having stopped for a long time - living with lower oestregen, etc is a lifelong thang, isn't it) but still have to be supercareful around things like booze (causes wretched sleep disruption in small quantities, deathly hangovers in larger), mood, weight gain, frizzy hair, dizzy spells, funny wobbly eyesight. Sigh. Libido low (although - perky - we are still capable of nice sessions, but you know, fatigue, long familiarity! ) But I have just spent the last two days poleaxed by my worst ever migraine - hours and hours of pain, vomiting. Grim! if this is what the future holds, no thank you.

But this thread is great. I"m going to start on vit D and buy some Cloud 9. I have joined a gym, and I find doing the classes is motivating, and yes, sometimes I'm twice as old as some of the people there, but often I'm not. It helps keep me off the booze, which is alas, no longer good for except in the most judicious, careful quantities. I'm not ready to embrace my grey, but homedyes don't stick to my hair any longer, so I now fork over money to the hairdresser, about £80 month, plus products. I dont spend a lot on make-up though (just a few items, but good quality - Laura Mercier, Bobbi Brown - they seem to last forever) and skincare comes from Aldi so I reckon it evens out. have to maintain facial hair vigilance and will be doing the laser treatment at some point.

INdia Knight's book In Your Prime is good - loads of practical tips on looks, life and everything, and very funny. Recommend it strongly for this age. In fact, almost anything she writes is good value.

Anyway, thank you for this thread, OP, and all the contributions from everyone. I"m going to the doctor to get these migraines checked out and see if I can get some up-to-date blood pressure and hormone levels data. Maybe there's some good advice there. Although I find GPs are so busy that not much useful info ever transpires.

Mina O well done. I live here and haven't climbed it. Husband has and daughter.

Peartree I love India Knight. In Your Prime is brilliant. Love here last fiction book "Mutton". Can't wait for her next one. Her characters are endearing. I used to get terrible migraines but since going through the menopause they have mostly gone. I would be ill for at least a day, sometimes 2 with pain and throwing up. I stopped drinking about 4 years ago so maybe that's why they are better now?

@Dottydotts - if you fancy to, do it. It's really really stunning. We went up the Miners' Track and down the Pygg Track. We didn't go up beside the railway as we were told these were prettier walks. They definitey are. And you do get a sense of achievement from it. Just avoid Crib Goch. Seriously scary.

Dotty I think my post came across a bit unclear. Just changing my habits and way of eating finally, was what I was trying to say, dieting doesn't work I agree. There is perhaps an "overhaul" mentality in one's 50s - like getting ready for the next stage?

Unless of course one is a wonderful Italian mama/nona (like in the Dolce & Gabanna adverts) all cosy, fat and matronly and dressed in black dress but at the heart of the home; lovely as that image is, I can't quite imagine myself there - though don't want the other extreme Jane-Fonda-Workout-Look!). Decisions, decisions ...

That's good to hear about the migraines, Dotty. Mine have been few and far between, and only occurred over the last 7-8 years. This was the worst ever, and I don't want a repeat! I had a Mirena coil put in at the end of 2015, after removal of an ovarian cyst and the ovary and fallopian tube it was attached to. So my periods stopped as a consequence, and it's really difficult to tell, apart from via blood tests, what's going on with my body. India Knight recommends consulting a gynaecologist rather than a GP, but would this mean a private consultation? Is a GP likely to refer me if I'm asking for optimum advice rather than suffering dreadful symptoms? What's DHEA? should I go on testosterone? Dunno.

I am filled with wonder and awe at people like the OP who are making great strides in their careers. I dropped out of mine at the same time as I had the ovary removed. At that point, I really hated it (although I had enjoyed many years of it), loathed the hierarchy and had simply run out of ideas. I suppose I could have looked for another post rather than jumped ship altogether but really couldn't face another day in another miserable office. I've had plenty on my hands with the GCSE/sixth form/teen rebellions since that point, but I feel we're rounding that bend, thank god (or I've just run out of puff to maintain the fight!)

So now I feel like I'm ready to get excited about my own life again - I've been doing language classes, but plan to step it up a gear in September. Maybe include a week's language school overseas. And yes, although we'll miss having kids along on holiday, we can now do the off-peak, civilised tours of vineyards and chateaux, or camper van along wild coasts somewhere that our kids never wanted to do. I can get a keratin blowdry so I don't frizz madly in the salt breezes! And OK, I have thread veins on my legs nowadays but also - fake tan products are better.

I will keep reading everyone's posts in the meantime. Top thread!

Blue I agree.

Thanks Mina.

DoinIt - sorry if I've missed this, but how old are your children? I know it's never as simple as 'once they're adults', but I'm wondering how long you feel you need to support them, (and struggle without useless ex pulling his weight properly)? I am really impressed by your accelerated career trajectory btw - achieving more than most of us do in decades.

Hello 50's
I've been crying a lot recently. I can't work out if its stress from work or menopause or just life confusion, (a long term ex -loveofmylife- redeclaring his love).

I have been trying to make some positive life changes to address my work life balance and have secured an interview for a part time role.
Thats very exciting for me as I have only worked in a few places, it took me a lot of determination to actually fill out the application. Now I am wracked with guilt.

Physically my sleep is still light and waking at 6 but I am taking black cohosh, for sweating and anxiety. Has anyone else tried it? My anxiety seems to be a bit better, IBS in the morning is reduced, and I am so glad I came off anti-depressants about 5 - 6 weeks ago now after being on them for many many years.