Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

With the greatest of respect, OP, they're not trolls, they've been on Mumsnet for a long time, or at least I know that's the case where Bluntness100 is concerned. She's living up to her username!

They're telling you how it comes across, we only know you from your posts on here after all. This man has behaved very badly and it's obvious you've been hurt, no one is disputing that. And you obviously didn't know that he was still together with his wife and lying to both of you.

But you do seem to know a lot about him and his online activity as a result of your detective work, which is why you're coming across as being a bit obsessed. After all, why is it anything to do with you now? If you finished with him as you say and don't want him back, wouldn't you be better off focusing your energy on getting to know other men online? Don't let him destroy the rest of your life. He's so not worth that.

@Lizzie
Both of the above posters mentioned have been unnecessarily critical and harsh. Both have haf a massive go at me and made massive , incorrect assumptions which have no basis or evidence to back them up.
Since when has it been illegal to view public profiles?? If it was, websites like FB and Instagram wouldn't exist and the entire population of the UK would be locked up!
I know a lot about him and his family because was 'with' him for 4 freaking months.... he may have been a very adept liar; but do you think that during those meetings we just had sex and talked about the weather???!! Nooo.....i thought that we had developed a special bond and intimacy outside of the bedroom..... we discussed a lot of things.

I actually found his profile on a dating site that I was a member of without looking. I didn't even know he was a member, but I'm looking, his activity was recent and he had been a member long before we met. Is it a crime to be curious - if so give me a life sentence with no chance of parole because apparently i deserve to be locked up for being naive/foolish enough to fall for a player and dare to get hurt which I don't deserve because i don't have a ring on my finger and I haven't worn a white dress! #freaking hypocrites

A couple of people have accused me of "stalking" with again no basis for this. Define stalking??
I will tell you what it is NOT....... it is NOT looking at FB and/or Instagram profiles OCCASIONALLY or just being nosey etc....this is not a crime!!!!!
Additionally I found the one profile when browsing members on a dating website of which I am a member and a quick username search on Google brought up several others as well as other interesting revelations....i discovered that he is a member of a website for purely cross-dressers and trans-people?? I don't know what that relates to and also an other website called 'single and pregnant' (for info he can not get wife preg nor me because he has had a vasectomy) I tho k that both of these websites illustrate what 'type' of person he is and that I am indeed better off without him. That doesn't however make the deceit, lies and heartache any easier. I wish that I had found out the above before I had got involved with him but he gave me no reason to question what he told me.

Hmm, no, looking once or twice at fb/instagram after breaking up isn't stalking, but then googling a username and pursuing that is getting a bit further into unhealthy territory. And now he's a cross dresser and trans? Hmm.
What exactly did you mean by the #freaking hypocrites comment? Noone, AFAIK has said
You deserve to be locked up for being naive/foolish enough to fall for a player and dare to get hurt which you don't deserve because you don't have a ring on your finger and you haven't worn a white dress!
That's unnecessarily critical of all those ppl advising you it would be more difficult to disengage had you been with him over a decade, married with DC and shared assets, etc. And the hurt would have been deeper because you would have been lied to for years rather than months.
I'm not sure what you're getting here, op. You don't seem to have acknowledged anything you didn't already think yourself, and you accuse posters who disagree (albeit robustly!) as being trolls. Do you feel anyone has answered your q? You sound like you are getting unhealthily wound up, other ppls perspectives are obviously not helping you deal with the situation atm. How long ago did this all happen? It might be an idea to step back from sm and get counseling if you are still this affected

@Sak just to make it clear. When I did a username search for further info, the username (which was him) lead me to multiple websites - one was single.and pregnant, plenty of fish, Tinder, Hi5, adult hub and trans friend finder to name just a few. I was not suggesting that he is trans, just that he seems to find trans people arousing (i am not criticizing trans people. With this comment btw)

So what?

So what if he does?

So what if he's got a profile on a million and one niche interest sex/dating sites?

So.what if his wife knows about all of it and turns a blind eye?

So fucking what?

You are posting these things about him as though you are personally affected by these discoveries. You are not.

This man is not your partner, your fiance, your husband. He's a man you dated for a few months who turned out to be a dick and, when you discovered this, you ended the relationship.

Most people have got a story of someone (one??!! - most of us should be so lucky!! )in their dating story who turned out to he a bit of a twat. Most of us post about them/talk with friends about them whilst we are processing our discoveries and working out what yo do next; what our next move could/should be. Your reaction is, frankly, extreme.

And your anger and vitriol to people on here is hugely disproportionate when most posters are simply telling you that it's futile and your energies would be better spent on getting over him than getting angry like this. No one is suggesting that what he did was fine or that you shouldn't have been upset by it but your continued interest in, and anger at, his infidelity and sexual proclivities is just odd. Surely you should be rolling your eyes and thinking "fuck's sake! What a dick".

Each of these discoveries should be leading to a quiet reassurance that you're better off without him but this anger, outrage, indignance is just pointless.

As far as people talking about stalking etc goes, they/we only have your words to go on. The only impression anyone here has of you is the one you are communicating.

Your reaction is, frankly, extreme.

I mean the degree of anger you are feeling towards, well, pretty much everyone really.

Op, just to say that you can't read too much into finding his username on lots of niche dating sites. They could be shell accounts set up by sites he never signed up to, his details acquired or purchased from the sites he did genuinely sign up to.

You'll find lots of info if you google, one article here

When I did a username search for further info, the username (which was him) lead me to multiple websites
But... why were you googling his username for further info in the first place? What did you think you would find? And how did you think it would help you get over him?? (sorry, but looking for further info on someone you're not having contact with anymore is sounding a bit stalkerish... )

I dont think a simple google search will pull up user names from plenty of fish. To do that you would need an account with pof you would then go through the webpages username search by setting up an account.
Also the username search will bring up similar names to the search not exact ones so lots of scrolling through would be required.
Seems like a lot of effort as opposed to a casual one of typing of a name into google....

I think the point people are making is that this process does not seem healthy and your increasing anger over this suggests that it isnt getting you the closure you need.

People have given you many answers to your question about why women go back to a partner who cheated.

You have also recieved lots of answers about whether to share what you believe you have discovered with his wife

What do you think you need to have happen to get over this, process the anger and move on because your melodramatic answers to people on here suggest you arent getting that from this thread op?

I think anyone who is "separated" is worthy of a bit more investigation into their background.
You might well have stayed with him if he had decided to stay with you but that's because the connection with you would have been real and he might have been on the cusp of leaving his wife and his lie about being separated would have been a technicality.
Finding out he's still cheating puts a whole different perspective on things .His wife deserves to know but only if you have proof

I don’t think your anger is extreme I would be Looking if it was me at the end of the day he chose his wife with 12 years history they have been through so much together.
Hope you find someone nice soon think fab causes a lot of this sort of stuff it’s easy now to have an affair. And dating sites

I agree I don’t think your anger is extreme. I would be livid if this happened to me. And I would investigate online too.
Maybe all the people preaching saying just let it go, don’t realise how hard it is to let things like this go! It’s a process, coming on here and getting angry is part of that process
And we only really reach the end of that process in our own time, no one can force them selves to just “Forget about it”

I was fully in love with my ex dp at 3 months, and we lasted 10 years. I think it’s perfectly possible to think that you’re going to spend your life with someone after that much time.

I also think that a lot of posters are deliberately winding the op up. It’s clear that she’s angry and that she’s finding certain criticisms hard to take,

Op I said a long time ago on this thread that you aren’t going to get any explanations for the way he’s treated you, you would never do something like that so you will find it incomprehensible.

I would genuinely think about some therapy, I went through something where I couldn’t get the answers I wanted and the questions went round in my head for years, only when I got help, did I start to realise how to deal with it.

Lots of people can shrug this kids and of thing off and lots of people are like you and struggle with it deeply. Neither is right or wrong x

Kind not kids!

Maybe all the people preaching saying just let it go, don’t realise how hard it is to let things like this go! It’s a process, coming on here and getting angry is part of that process

Or maybe we've just been through it enough times to know that the anger and questions etc are a complete waste of time, energy and life.

I think the level of cynicism you have to have when doing online dating is very high! I don't do it anymore for many reasons but I think you have to keep anyone at an emotional distance for at least the first 6 months or so. Online dating is full of damaged, disingenuous, disloyal, devious men. I didn't meet/date anyone who didn't turn out to he a 'wrongun' in one way or another. I think a lot of women allow themselves to 'fall' for someone far too soon assuming that this means the relationship is meaningful and is likely to last. A look at the dating thread on here over the years will tell you that's not the case - lots of women ricocheting from one man/relationship to aother without reflecting on what went wrong the last time and how to prevent it again assuming that, because they fell 'hard and fast', it must mean he's The One...

The trick/answer/next move is to reflect on yourself. What would you do differently next time? (Look online sooner?) What boundaries would you change? What questions would you ask? What phrases/reasons/excuses/explanations would trigger an amber/red flag? What are the signs of someone still living with someone?

Your time is better spent working out what you would do differently next time to make it less likely to get 'caught' by one of these men (because he is, by no means, the only one of his ilk out there!) rather than trying to understand why he did it or why his wife tolerates it.

You don't know them. We don't know them. The reasons are many and varied and, I can pretty much guarantee that, even if they sat down in front of you and explained it to you from each of their perspectives, you still wouldn't feel any better. That has to come from you.

And I do think that the anger the OP has displayed to other posters on here is disproportionate to what people are saying.

Oh OP I know you're feeling got at.

I think the thread went the way it did due to the title and initial post questioning the wife's actions.

It read pretty much like (but I know that's not what you meant) "Heh, what's her problem?"

I think people responded to that so your pain wasn't addressed.

It's natural that people will respond to that by drawing comparisons. Not to be unkind but, since you asked why the wife would do this, to point out "Look how you're struggling, how do you think it is for her, etc..."

You do have a right to be hurt - nothing to do with a ring on the finger - and it's not a competition of pain. People do sympathise and had you started the thread differently I think you would have got very different replies.

You haven't done anything wrong (other than, in hindsight, unwise thread title perhaps).

I hope you can move on from this liar and not let him hold you back from dating again. They're not all like that. Onwards and upwards, OP!

I’m not a troll and I stand by what I said. Just look at your reaction and the level of anger and hate.

I get why you’re upset I do. However people should stop fanning those flames. If you DO contact him or his wife in the state you are now. Angry, really quite distressed about it all. With this ‘dossier’ of screenshots of how much stuff you’ve been looking at them online. Then yeah you could end up in trouble.

So take a step back, don’t even think about contacting him or her or anyone else and seek some help to calm down. It’s not healthy this obsessing months later and you’re winding yourself up. If you carry on, you’re just making yourself vulnerable to the next guy who comes along who maybe exactly the same. You need to try and address what’s healthy and what’s not. This isn’t.

Or maybe we've just been through it enough times to know that the anger and questions etc are a complete waste of time, energy and life

Everyone has to come to that conclusion in their own time. You can’t force someone

Why did you even mention his wife? That's what annoyed me and others clearly. Her reaction, her actions, her decisions are fuck all to do with you. You get played by a player, he is a dickhead and a selfish wanker, HE is your problem. She is not.

@IrianOfW
Shining light of empathy there!
When you’re angry, you’re angry at everyone including yourself! She’s allowed to question the wife’s motives.
And it has got something to do with her, because it affects her life.
Saying “it’s got fuck all to do with you” to someone that’s in pain is fucking shitty

But then you potentially sound like an angry cheated on wife, so maybe you and the op are as bad at each other!

When you’re angry, you’re angry at everyone

Not true. Not everyone is "angry at everyone".

Anger is an emotion and perfectly understandable response to this situation but how you respond to that anger is a choice. And 'shouting' at people (especially strangers) you are seeking advice from is not an appropriate response.

I guess a lot of us can identify with the wife. It's devastating to discover an affair, and a heartbreaking process to rebuild the marriage afterwards, if that's what you choose to do.

I certainly wouldn't blame an ow who didn't know he was married, but I wouldn't feel that I deserved her scorn and judgement either.

And it is that tone, of scathing criticism, that some pp have found upsetting I think. The wife will still be in the throes of crying herself to sleep, obsessively checking his phone and fearing for her future. Meanwhile, op is looking her up on social media, judging her for making the wrong decision and criticising her on here.

Op wouldn't received nothing but sympathy for being played by a scumbag mm, but the rest is hard to take, particularly if you've stood in the wife's shoes or know someone who has.

RainyApril- that is a fabulous post, I agree with everything you said (and said so well)

Personally I think you are far to invested in him. What he does from here on out is unfortunately no longer anything to with you.

I think you need to handle this with some more class, how ever hurt you are times that by a million and that's his wife !

You don't need to know why she wants to continue this marriage could be a number of reasons . What you need to do is put him out your brain he a idiot you met and dated and it didn't work .

But for his wife he is her life , her kids farther everything.

And if she found you online then I'm sure she is more than capable of finding the other women or other sites but that's her business and for her to do.

I get the impression the only reason you want to tell her is not because you care for her but you thinking of your own anger right now .

Absolutely, Rainy.