Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

Seriously, people need to read the op again carefully.

She has kids with him. Perhaps she is staying with him to avoid the kids having 2 homes and potentially a new step mother and a new stepfather. Perhaps if she can live with her kids 100% of the time, she might think that’s preferable to divorce. You can’t know what she’s thinking or why she’s stayed with him, you can only guess. Lots of people stay with cheaters for lots of different reasons.

However, back to you. You can only control what’s going on in your own life. Even if you knew exactly why she stayed with him, it wouldn’t benefit you in any way. Also, communicating with her is pointless. It will not help you in any way. You need to move on with your own life, disconnect with him and her in every way, social media, phone no etc. Delete the lot. Don’t waste your own life.

Sorry for assuming she decided to break up because of that information bluntness. I was kind of giving the benefit of the doubt morally speaking wrt ending the relationship being her decision based on that. You are saying that is incorrect?

She said specifically in her op it ended in a massive row where he told her he wished to make his marriage work.

She then says they had limited context but when he did speak to her he apologised for hurting her but again explained he loved his wife.

She then decided to do "detective work"or to everyone else what is called stalking him on line and now wants to know why his wife stayed and if she should inform her ,,,in her op she says she's angry he has no consequences.

This is a woman spurned who wants revenge.

Hmm, I guess I was concentrating more on the subsequent denials in following posts and thought the limited contact was op trying to detach...

This is all kinds of wrong. For such a short relationship.

I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences

Polly, no, I think he is.

@Bluntness just to clarify. I received a call from his wife and I ended it immediately.
As for the pick me dance or whatever.... I made it absolutely clear as daylight that I didn't want to be with a man who was cheating. I did not at any point tell him that I wanted to be with him. I felt used, betrayed and of course hurt but I did what i had to do.
Also I do not ask in my OP if I should contact the wife... I simply ask why she has remained with him for some understanding and clarity.

@ Bluntness your 'advice' is not helpful. You don't know the situation or how I should have handled it, do not pretend that you do.

Oh Op, come on love! You met a guy old, you got burned, he played you and then went back to his family. Most women would lick their wounds and move on. You have far, far too much investment in this families life.
Wether you like it or not it screams of "he didn't pick me" you need to get over the massively silly competition of why did he go back to his wife; because he loves her(whatever), because he has kids(massive good reason) because .....just what? What would be okay with you and ffs why does it matter!!?
You are seriously thinking about sending his wife stuff you have stalked online about him? Who wins in that shitty game? You? Yes I'm sure you will feel vindicated for a while, but then when you realise you are still involved with messing with a family, a woman ,kids, you don't know and absolutely deserve NOT to be messed with, imagine his kids, they do NOT deserve this infringement in their life, whatever their Dad has done, please OP leave them alone x

@babycow He wasn't thinking of his wife, someone he is supposed to love, or his children when he cheated..... and not just with me, with multiple people before me and since.
It is HIS marriage, HIS children, HIS responsibility and HIS dick that he couldn't keep in his paints. What a great way to demonstrate how much you love your wife and kids.
I did nothing wrong. I came here for advice on getting my head around why she has forgiven him after he has cheated many times, not to be bashed for not doing anything wrong.

And you are right @babycow they don't deserve to be messed with. I agree and I don't want to hurt them, but I didn't deserve to be used, betrayed and lied to either, as she didn't. I didn't understand why she would have him back, that's why I came here for advice.

Okay,can I tell you why? Will you listen? I can tell you why because I have been that wife, I have been the partner who found out her ohthe father of her children was cheating, it killed me, it destroyed me, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, I didn't get up out of bed for days, I couldn't look after my children, I didn't wash, I was distraught. You get the picture. But then because you HAVE to I started to regroup, that was a basic, regrouping to look after me and my kids, never ever underestimate a lion mum when it comes to her children. Have you kids OP?
Mine were the reason we stayed together, and I knew what he did but frankly mykids come first, you wanted to know why, there's your answer, it's biology , she has kids with him, he has kids with her, for good or bad they are sticking together so you need now to move on, it's not your business and it's certainly not anything to do with you anymore, the answer you are looking for , why did she stay is because she is an Alpha female, looking after her cubs, it's biology, get over it, move on ,I wish you well x

Also I do not ask in my OP if I should contact the wife... I simply ask why she has remained with him for some understanding and clarity.

Why though?

Why do you want to know?

I could understand if you were asking for clarity and understanding on why he did it. On why he chose you. On how he could lie so blythely. On how he could have no compassion etc

It's your focusing on why she stayed that is odd.

I can't work out why you give a shit about her decisions. It seems like a completely pointless exercise and one which will not help you in any way.

And that's aside from the fact that no one on here actually knows. They can tell you why they stayed and speculate but not why she stayed.

I have a friend in a similar situation to op though she lived with the supposedly married-but-separated man and she is also focused more on why the wife has chosen to stay rather than anything else. In her case, it’s because once she found out the wife was an actual wife and not in the process of becoming an ex-wife as she’d been told, she swiftly ended it and informed her of their relationship so the wife wasn’t continued to be lied to (out of good intentions as she agonised over it but in the end thought that she’d want to know in that position) but now doesn’t understand how she stays with him because it feels to her as though he is being given permission to behave like this again and inflict this on other unsuspecting women. Similar to the “scott-free” in OP’s case I think.

Well op, your story seems to be changing from your op. I really don't give a shit if you think my advice is helpful, I already knew you wouldn't like getting called out on it.

Your new story makes no sense, why does this man need to keep apologising to you and repeatedly telling you how much he loves his wife and wants to get back to her if you ended it immediately? Normally people are driven to do that when they are getting hassled or stalked. Have you been constantly texting and phoning him.?

Leave this couple alone. Leave their kids alone. Leave their pet bunny alone. Stop tracking Him on line. Stop contacting him. Don't contact his wife. For all their sakes and for yours. Drop it now.

Yes it was shit. Yes he went back to his wife. That's it. You met this man a handful of times and your reaction is not normal. Put it behind you and move on because this isn't healthy.

It's got nothing to do with you why she hasn't chucked him out. That's her choice. Keep your nose out and stop stalking them online. I get that you're pissed off but just leave it be.

I’m sorry but there is a huge difference between being betrayed by someone you met 12 times vs 1000 times. Yes you feel hurt and you feel betrayed but in 6 months/ a year you’ll probably hardly think of it. To be betrayed by someone you’ve been with for over a decade and are married to makes you feel like your whole life has been a lie. People in that situation suffer from PTSD as the shock is so great and the repercussions, especially if there are children, will potentially be felt for the rest of their lives.

Being betrayed is awful but there is no comparison between the two. You met a bad egg and he hurt you badly but you need to stop looking at sm and move on. Speculating about the motivations of a person you have never even met is pointless and even if you knew the reason, it probably wouldn’t make you feel any better. He is a rat and your relationship with him was built on lies and not real. Be glad you found out when you did and that you’re not the one married to this pond life.

Op. I can't tell you why the wife in your situation stayed but I can tell you why my mother stayed, maybe it will help.

My mother said she stayed because she didn't want to lose the house that she had spent the past 15 years turning into a home.

My mother stayed because she said she wanted to keep the family unit together.

My mother stayed because she couldn't stand the thought of any other women becoming his next wife.

My mother stayed because she was terrified of being on her own.

The house thing I get but wouldn't be enough to keep me with someone who was willing to lie and cheat. As for the family unit, my brother couldn't stand my stepfather and wouldn't have lost any sleep over it. Me on the other hand had a good relationship with him but lost all respect for him when he broke my mother's heart, the family unit wouldn't have been for me either. It was for her.

My mother took my stepfather back. The agreement was that as long as he always came home to her then he could go out and do whatever he wanted, have as many flings or affairs as he wanted.

I lost pretty much all my respect for my mum that day. I love her to pieces but just couldn't understand how she thought so little of herself.

I was cheated on by my first husband. I threw him out and never looked back. I won't play second fiddle to anyone.

Hope this helps x

I don't see why the OP is getting bashed here. Her question is perfectly reasonable given this man's track record...and like I said...if it were my DH I'd want to know if he was still cheating, no matter who told me.

Too many women want to hurt their heads in the sand and not face the truth.

Knowledge is power. If I have the info then I as a BW can make a decision.

I may decide to divorce.... I may decide I want an open marriage...and have my own fun. That way I get to remain with my kids and have variety.

Or I may decide not to leave...but stop having an intimate relationship with my H and seek out a potential decent man to move on with when the time is right.

Or I could just decide two can play at that game and feel perfectly justified.

Perhaps his wife is weighing up her options.... just because a couple stay together after dday...it doesn't mean everything is hunky dory. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences

You don't know whether he's had consequences or not though.

Some BWs have such low confidence they don't feel they can do any better.
Divorce is the ultimate consequence, but it's not the only consequence.

Some cheating spouses are no longer allowed

• Girls or boys nights out.

• They have tracker devices fitted on their tech

• They sign a post nuptial agreement

• They face the shame of family members being informed
• They can lose the respect of their children and even lose the father child relationship... moreso with older children.

• They get to see their spouse suffer from triggers, become ill, go on anti depressants, need counselling ... all because of what they did.

Plus so much more.

None of those things are fun... not in the least.

I understand you're hurt, but if his wife wants to stay... let her get on with it. If she already knows about his previous affairs...then she knows she has a serial cheat on her hands.

"You decide to divorce, when the desire not to see your cheating spouse every day, outweighs your need to see your kids every day"

It takes a long time to reach that stage for many people.

Just looking at the FWS (former wayward spouse) can be a daily trigger and interfere with your happiness.

Hi Op. I'm sorry you're having a hard time on here. It's not like you did it knowingly. I would feel the same as you and feel hurt. I would probably muse about it as well. Your feelings have been turned upside down and you were sold a lie which is probably why you are trying to make sense of something now.

In a way you were cheated on as well. I know you are not the wife but he led you up the garden path. He lied to you both and probably slept with you both. As you know he has more than likely slept with other people I would get an Std test.

As for telling his wife, I know I would want to know. Obviously it's up to you but I couldn't live a lie. I wouldn't just send her all the screenshots. Maybe ask her first if she wants to see what you have found and then the ball is in her court whether she decides to take it further.

But after that you must block them all and try and move on with your life. It's not healthy to keep stalking their profiles. It just hurts you even more. Good luck to you.

@Logs I am asking for clarity on all of those things.....why he lied, why he choose not to be honest, why me. I thought that may have been obvious from my posts?