Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

@Bluntness massive, wrong assumptions there. I have not had any contact with either of them at all since the day *I** ended it. NOTHING, ZILCH, ZERO.
I sometimes view social media profiles but that is all. I am NOT stalking them nor am I ringing or texting at all.....how dare you judge me. You don't know anything about me or the situation but you think that you know it all. Not a nice person are you.

Also wanted to clarify for those that clearly do not understand and have no compassion whatsoever. Yes admittedly I was naive, I did fall for him (my nistake) and admittedly I have struggled to get over the lies, betrayal, feelings of being violated and hurt etc (nothing compared to what the wife felt I am sure but that was not my fault)
I have had absolutely no contact with the family since the day I ended the relationship after the call from the wife.
So no @Bluntness there have been no multiple calls, no pick me, no chasing him..... I chose to deal with it in my way. Alone and in a dignified manner.
I did, out of curiosity view their social profiles and discovered that they were still together which made me a little angry if I am honest that here I am trying to recover from the pain and the mess he left behind and he gets to be happy, to fuck his wife and anyone else he pleases without consequence. So he essentially 'gets away' with lying and cheating and being a complete t**t with seemingly no punishment whatsoever.

I hope that clarifies my position and my feelings. I will reiterate that I do NOT want this cheating prick back. I could never trust him and I can't for the life of me get my head around why she does and how the hell he continues to get away with cheating and lying..... prob deceiving another unsuspecting female as well as his wife again and he continues to get away with it. That's why I came here.

Op, you don't need to be honest with us, you do need to be honest with yourself.

You might not like the advice, but it's the best you're going to get. Leave them alone. Stop stalking him on line. If you need to seek therapy for your anger and your need for revenge , then do so. But for your sake and theirs, leave these people alone now.

Fucking hell @Bluntness hiw many times do I have to type it???? Can you not read or understand?? I do not have to justify nyselg to you and i am NOT saying again, I am being honest. I AM NOT IN TOUCH WITH THEM..... Do you have a problem understanding or some sort of educational issues going on that you are unable to get it???
Leave me alone, you are not helpful with your critical attitude. You have a problem, not me. I haven't done anything wrong.

I didn't say you were in touch with them. Not once. But ok. Good,luck.

*Leave this couple alone. Leave their kids alone.

Stop contacting him.

Leave them alone.*

To be fair bluntness, phrases like these do suggest you thought op was in touch with this family.

Op, you've been mistreated by a player and did the right thing ending it immediately. You wouldn't be the first unwitting ow to be furious at being put in that position, and disappointed that the disloyal bastard doesn't appear to be getting his comeuppance.

I suppose you have the choice of passing all of your evidence to his wife, although you need to be prepared for her to disregard it or forgive him again. At the end of the day, it really isn't any of your concern now and you need to draw a line under it all and start living your life.

It would be nice to think that karma will sort him out in the future, but there are no guarantees and you're just hurting yourself obsessing about it.

@Bluntness are you a special kind of crazy, a troll or both? Or maybe you simply enjoy making people feel worse?
The following is from just TWO of your particularly nasty posts -
Get some dignity. Move on. Leave them both alone.
Leave them alone
Leave him, his wife and kids alone...

Yet above you say (quote) "I haven't said that, not once"?
As I say it's obviously you that has the problem.... a crazy woman or maybe just sad and a joke!!

I think there are a lot f people on this’s thread who are feeling defensive about being too scared to leave their cheating partners.

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who are feeling defensive about being too scared to leave their cheating partners.

I agree with you on this.

The defensiveness jumps out at you.

Not necessarily. I think being able to completely (and non judgementally) understand why this woman stays with him only happens if you have been in a similar position yourself ie married for many years, house, cars, kids etc. Possibly no independent income or easy way of rejoining the workforce. Many ppl have tried to suggest these, but none of us can say what her motivations are for sure. We can go on our experiences, which are far removed from the experience and mindset of a younger, financially independent individual who has a job (I assume) and no dependents, let alone shared assets with this scumbag. Sharing this personal and emotive information without it really being acknowledged is in my mind why some posts may have a certain 'tone', it's not necessarily defensiveness. (Although I accept some may think this.)

Op, I am struggling to understand what outcome you want.

Good for you that you have ceased contact and are not pursuing (in a romantic sense) this man.

Di you wish for vengeance and fury to fall on him? And having removed yourself, are you now projecting that onto his wife, that she should eke out punishment?

It all sounds a bit .. well, biblical. You have every right to be angry about how you were treated, but how he and his wife sort out their own messed up marriage is outside your remit. I understand the need to rage, so rant away, but you cannot expect him or her to respond in a way that satisfies (what I see to be as) your desire for him to be punished.

OP I get it totally because I have been there too . Found out recently that a guy I was seeing was in fact married . His wife to my knowledge however does NOT know although how she doesn't have an inkling I really don't know - the amount of time he spent with me . I have thought about busting him to his wife but have just left him to it. These sad men deserve their sad relationships . I do get your anger though. In your case his wife knows so he won't be getting it all his own way . Yes these lying cheating men are the pits . Move on - it's not easy but its all you can do . Who would want to be in a relationship with one of these liars ?

@Sak she has a income herself. She has a high paid, executive, professional occupation that is almost equally comparable to his. I don't think financial considerations have any bearing on her decision. It is likely that she would be able to support herself and the 2 children relatively well should she choose to leave.

I have thought about busting him to his wife but have just left him to it. These sad men deserve their sad relationships
The wife doesn't though

Op, maybe in order for her to sustain this highly paid executive career they both need to contribute to juggling childcare/pick ups etc. Which would be difficult if there were only one of them around. (Have you been reading the sahm threads recently?)

His poor wife, I don’t mean that in a patronising manner, but she must me distraught. I think you were a means to an end, he probably liked you in his own way, and it would have been pretty awesome for him that you fell so hard. Of course you weren’t looking for signs when you’re too busy pouring your heart into this person. I feel for you.
I would tell his wife, but right now it seems as though it’s coning from a place of anger, your anger and resentment for being hurt, and not for his wife’s wellbeing or empowerment. Slow down, tho think carefully how to go about this if you chose to do so. You may well be rubbed off as the crazy woman who fell for his shit and meant nothing to him, but at least you would have tried to do the right thing.

I too wish to contact my ex’s exes , for very different reason (his abuse) however I’m not in a place to do that right now so I keep thinking “see how you feel in a few days”

You need to let it go op. You know such a lot about his wife and seen furious that she hasn't made the 'right' choice, the choice you'd make, the choice that would punish him.

It might be that he's spun her a line, which you could sort out with the proof you've amassed.

Or it might be that she'll forgive him over and over again, many do. I've seen it on here and in rl. It is not your decision to make.

I do understand why you're upset, OP, as it's clear that you fell for this man hook, line and sinker. But your angry reaction towards anyone who says something you don't want to hear is very over the top. What did you expect when you posted this on Mumsnet? There are always going to be posters who doubt the honesty of the OP. And that's understandable as no one wants to paint themselves in an unfavourable light, do they?

And your intense anger smacks of 'protesting too much'. You need to stop reacting so angrily to posters like Bluntness100 because we're after all only random on the Internet. Why does it matter what we think?

FWIW, you shouldn't say anything to his wife imo. She already knows he's a cheat. If she wants to stay with him, possibly for the sake of her children, that's entirely her call.

how do I trust anyone I meet? You go very slowly, hold back and do not get caught up in a romantic whirlwind.

I did, out of curiosity view their social profiles I think that this is what Bluntness is probably referring to when she's telling you to leave them alone. And yes, I do understand that you haven't actually been in contact with them, but you're prolonging the pain for yourself by looking at their social media. ...and discovered that they were still together which made me a little angry if I am honest that here I am trying to recover from the pain and the mess he left behind and he gets to be happy, to fuck his wife and anyone else he pleases without consequence. So he essentially 'gets away' with lying and cheating and being a complete tt with seemingly no punishment whatsoever. I think that you shouldn't be relying on social media to assess how happy they are. He's not likely to post that he's probably still sleeping on the sofa or that his wife's heart jumps into his mouth every time he goes out because he's lost her trust. Neither of them are likely to want to put out anything other than the facade of a happy, united family, irrespective of what's going on behind the scenes.

I simply ask why she has remained with him for some understanding and clarity A dozen different reasons? Who knows? Essentially, it's none of anyone else's business. You didn't deserve what he did, but neither did she. Nor does she deserve pity or scorn for not making the same choices you did.

Essentially, you've had a horrendous experience that was not your fault in any way, shape or form. I completely understand why you are so hurt and so angry. And I can't say that I wouldn't be tempted to send his poor wife evidence of his continued lies honestly, I probably would Having said that, it does sound like you're judging his wife for taking him back. It also sounds like you're struggling to keep a lid on that anger you're feeling. Again, I understand that. But you need to start working on healing yourself without concerning yourself about what's going on in their marriage. There's a fine line between anger and veering off into Alex Forrest territory, which you don't need to cross. You know you're better than him and you know you're better off without him in your life.

I am asking for clarity on all of those things.....why he lied, why he choose not to be honest, why me.

He lied because he wanted some sex and excitement. He was not honest because he knew that most women would tell him to fuck off if he told the truth.

Why you? Why not? You were there. You didn't do any digging. You lapped up his patter and lies. I do not mean this as a reflection of you OP, but any woman would have done.

Why has his wife forgiven him? No one knows except her. And it's no one's business except theirs.

I bet you’re upset but honestly I think you need to let it go. None of your posts are coming across as balanced or healthy.

Full of aggression and anger and tbh I think you’re very close to crossing a fine line. You’re digging and spying on their social media months later and want to present this as some portfolio? You could end up with a record for harassment/stalking.

Leave it and move on for your sake as well as theirs. No I’m not some cheated on wife. It’s just that your posts are waving red flags all over the place. You need to let this go. It’s not healthy.

So sorry this happened to you, It sounds awful.

You deserve better and I'm sure you will find it.