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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

162 replies

Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 17:59

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 21:34

She says she has lost money so yes, she has committed something financially.

And of course she deserves better. No argument here on that! She also needs to listen to the indicators people are giving her and keep her wits about her.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 12/04/2018 22:41

I think a concise talk about how to avoid anything like this again is necessary.

Yup, I knew it, you're going to stay aren't you ?

Really shaken him ? Or he's skulking around sulking and feeling hard done by because he's in trouble. Who's really sorting it out his mum ? Dad ? Work colleague ?

You will end up watching and supervising and being accused of being nagged again.

He will not look out for you in the future.

Oh well...

He will not learn from this. If it gets sorted, it'll just be, phew ! Then business as usual because that's how he likes it.

Donotdisturbme · 13/04/2018 03:00

Be careful or you could end up like the poster on here who is having to divorce herself on behalf of her husband because he can’t be arsed to do it himself.

CraftyYankee · 13/04/2018 09:03

OP, as someone diagnosed with adult ADHD it does sound like a possibility here. The smart person with laser beam focus on stuff of interest to him but no attention to boring details is a classic symptom. If every time he screws up he promises to do better, is genuinely remorseful and panicked, improves for a bit and then backslides, that would fit as well.

However, that doesn't matter a shiny shit if he won't do anything about it. There are strategies to help with adult ADHD but nothing has saved my marriage like medication.

If you want to try to save the relationship, I would make it a deal breaker for him to see a doctor about an ADHD diagnosis and treatment plan. If he has it, is diagnosed and deals with it, either through coping strategies or medication, then he is proactively dealing with a real medical condition. That is respectful of you, your time and priorities.

If, on the other hand, he refuses to seek a diagnosis, then I would walk away. Either he is a strategic incompetent, or he cares more about his image than fixing a real problem with real life consequences for you. Either way shows he doesn't respect you enough to address it.

ittakes2 · 18/04/2018 09:21

My son has high functioning ASD and sometimes it can be like he’s missing a common sense gene. He’s a bright and lovely kid but until he was diagnosed I thought he was just being awkward sometimes. Lack of organisation skills can be a symptom of ASD.

Airp0rtqq · 18/04/2018 09:50

If he owns a property he needs to consult a solicitor. His ex can buy him out of his share or the property has to be sold. He has to come off the deeds, land register and mortgage. All of this takes time and costs money. Buying property is your biggest life purchase. Personally, I would not be buying jointly with him until this is resolved. Was / is he married to his ex and does he have children. Personally, I think that he has been disrespectful to you and I would consider for some time before continuing this relationship

Airp0rtqq · 18/04/2018 13:19

He could psss all the property over to his ex and walk away with nothing. However, he still needs to do this legally via solicitor. His ex would have to arrange new mortgage （if required)

macnab · 18/04/2018 14:13

*I suggest it boils down to whether you are likely to want kids.

Without kids this kind of thing could be irritating but manageable. With kids it will be a nightmare. When you have kids if your coparent isnt a responsible, competent adult then life is very much harder than it needs to be.*

^^ this is exactly what I was going to say. You've not mentioned if you've got plans to have children with this guy OP, but if children are in your future then please please consider how much bigger the impact of this sort of shit will be then.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/04/2018 14:42

No advice to give OP, other than what other pps have said...I am an absolute control freak, and have to do everything myself, because then I know its done...and done properly. Which is irrelevant as I'm a single parent, but this kind of incompetence would be a real deal breaker for me. Sorry...no advice, but really hope you sort things out...whichever route you choose to go down

FizzyGreenWater · 18/04/2018 17:00

He's too polite to get shirty and have a go at people to get shit done.

But absolutely fine snapping at you and calling you a nag when he knows full well your double-checking is bloody well justified because he's a lazy twat, and actually he should be ashamed of the fact that you have to double-check another adult has done what they said they'll do?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/04/2018 14:37

Just read the full thread. Was he married to his ex? I would have thought the house would have been sorted through the divorce. Is he still married to her?

Other than that, I whole heartedly endorse the full stop on having dc with him. As a pp pointed out: children in real danger. That is not just bad for the dc, but becomes a legal liability for you too. That kind of stress will make you ill.

CraftyYankee · 27/04/2018 07:23

@thecrabbypatty any update? Was he able to get it sorted?

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