Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

[Thecrabbypatty]

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

Doing it all yourself is all well and good while things are going well. What happens if you were to get ill or need someone with plenty of common sense to take over the helm? When my DH's father died I remember DH saying he 'didn't have a clue' where to start with the paperwork etc so guess who sorted it? Anyway, I think it chips away at respect/attraction when you almost have to wipe someone's bum for them (metaphorically if not literally).

I don't even think it's a lack of common sense. I actually think it's sheer laziness - he though it was 'in hand' because he decided he couldn't be bothered to actually do something about it and potentially expected someone else to sort it for him, then couldn't be arsed to chase it/find out what was happening/sort it himself

^^ This. I don't buy this "no common sense" crap. Highly intelligent people don't believe the "shoe fairy's" will fix things they randomly abandon. They understand if they abandom something, then it doesn't get done. He went into the solicitors knowing he had fucked up

It’s shit. But salvageable and you shouldn’t make any decisions in the heat of the moment.

Would he commit to improving? Getting counselling/life coaching fur strategies, making sure it’s not undiagnosed ADHD, promising to stay away from DIY etc.

OP it's not my DH, it's my boss who is like this.

Throughout his life he's had people propping him up, accommodating his foibles and he's now risen to the dizzy heights of small business owner - but not on his own merits.

The carnage and wreckage of his incompetence follows him everywhere. He's a crap boss, never a day goes by without his absent mindedness or inattention to detail offending someone, he's cost the business literally thousands of £ in lost tickets, missed appointments, empty promises. He's charming and has charisma - he gives people confidence when they meet him superficially.

I stay coz the perks are good but my anger and frustration is directed at those people in his past who facilitated his life, so allowing him to fuck up other people's lives now.

If you do stay with him - please don't enable him.

However I made the decision to accept this and pre-empt numtiness by checking important stuff myself.

Me too.

In the end having sex with 'a child' was just not for me.

I am no slacker, but my DH organises things with ruthless efficiency. Purchases, building work, holidays, you name it...He is also a high-earner at the top of his professional game.

I have certainly had issues with him being overly demanding at times - but in recent years I have begun to really value the effort and high standards he puts into things, especially when I see the (generaly) male incompetence in other marriages. It is one of his ‘love languages’ for us as a family.

Only you know if the love he gives you in other ways will be sufficient to outweigh this.

OP take some time out and consider things carefully.

Right now in his mind, he's in absent minded professor mode and thinks that's charming.

What if you are ill? Women who have similar husbands said they even had to get out of bed to get their own pain relief after their sweet professor never bothered bringing them anything to help, not even a cup of tea, let alone cooked or did any of the daily domestic stuff.

Whatever would he be like if you had children? A fun dad who pitched in with everything and did loads of household stuff so you could both enjoy family time, or one of those dads that couldn't look after any children safely, had no clue how to feed them or to settle them to sleep or worse decamped to the spare room because they had to be up for work and you don't, leaving you to do all the night feeds and wakings and looking after all on your own.
One of those dads who messed up all the arrangements to take the kids out on a weekend or after school, took them swimming with no towels and costumes, took them to a venue for a day out but left his wallet at home, couldn't cope with being in charge for the school run and packed lunches and what was needed in their bags each day, so left it all to you every school morning for years and years.

Do you know his ex? Do you know why they split up, not his version, but the truth. I'd be tempted to see her and ask, because i think his general state of incompetence will have played a really large part in it.

He's already proved how much of an uncaring and disorganised person he is, please think very carefully about spending your future with him. this is the real him, he's shown you what he's really like. Please take notice and go into your future with your eyes wide open.

I think it comes down to whether you except living with someone disorganised and whether it will fall to you. My situation is slightly different but I have two child with autism. All appointments, reports, paperwork all fall to me. Organising what they need falls to me. I do now work part time from home and it’s still the same. He chooses to not organise stuff as it’s not overly interesting to him. I’ve become very resentful (he’s become resentful that he only gets to go out three times a week). It has made life very hard. I think that’s what you need to assess and decide if you can handle being the person who picks up the details. It depends how much it takes from you as a person and if you happily accept that you don’t mind doing it.

The thing is, you say yourself that it’s not sexy. Sweet and kind is all well and good but don’t you want more from a partner? Are you actually attracted to him?

Hi OP

My ex H was like this - like others it became less endearing as life went on ( also in his case I realised he wasn’t that kind either!). He lived a charmed life and though everything would always turn out OK - because basically for him it did as others stepped in to sort stuff out. It really sapped the energy from our relationship and became a big issue when we had kids.

Not in any way saying your DP is the same as my ex at all - but I would say something my counsellor said to me, which is that you should always take someone’s behaviour seriously, because their behaviour is telling you about them and who they are ( which goes beyond words etc). Obviously this is just one aspect of his behaviour but still.

Seriously, op. Everyone else is not thinking that this is cute, stop kidding yourself. He'll be looking as big a gobshite to everyone else, believe me.

Greyhound. Believe me, no one thinks this particular screw up is cute. His forgetting odd things is what people put down as a quirk.

I love and fancy him but I don't want to live my life silently seething or rolling my eyes! He's too polite to get shirty and have a go at people to get shit done. It's not his nature. But in this case he really needed to! He was fobbed off a lot I think and not pushy enough to really nail stuff down with the bank. That much is his fault.

I've met his ex and they worked opposite shifts, she was late nights and he was days. It didn't work out, she's now with a guy who works the same times as her and they are happy. Families still friends, still politely wish eachother happy birthday and say hi, no bad feelings.

He is really trying and sometimes his hyper focus is incredible. I have floated ADHD but he says it's his problem to overcome and be disciplined with procrastination and organisation, not to take tablets. Might persue this further but right now isn't going to solve the current crisis.

I don't even think it's a lack of common sense. I actually think it's sheer laziness - he though it was 'in hand' because he decided he couldn't be bothered to actually do something about it and potentially expected someone else to sort it for him, then couldn't be arsed to chase it/find out what was happening/sort it himself. So he free wheeled along while you were peddling in the other direction trying to sort the purchase of a new property.

Let this be a stark signal of what he will always be like. Lazy, complacent and generally not interested in taking on some mental/emotional work load to help move you both forward as a couple. It will always be on you so sort anything important. I worry that this is some sort of male default mode.

This^

He just couldn't be arsed.

Now then, about his ex......

They're on good terms, yes ? Is it because he didn't want to rock the boat with his ex partner ? Was him coming off the mortgage and therefore, I assume the deeds of the property the last vestige of what they had ?

Why didn't he treat the purchase of your joint property like an exam if he's so academic, i.e. everything in place, revision done, know where the exam venue is, what time and date of the exam, what paper for what subject the exam is for.

All he's doing at present seems like to little to late. Especially as you just can't listen him presently as you are so furious/hurt.

He says, 'well, I've been in touch with the mortgage company.' Erm so what ? Has he:

1. Spoken to the ex and say he wants his name taken off the mortgage/property deeds.
2. Told the mortgage company relevant to the old property that he wants his name off the mortgage and how does he go about it.
3. Told you what he meant by, 'in hand' by whom ? When ?

What happens if you contract cancer/lose your job/get involved in a serious car accident/house get burgled etc etc What's his response to that ? Do & say nothing because he didn't know what to do or say ?

I saw a documentary on why people commit bigamy. Not relevant in this case but basically, they don't have the maturity to tie up loose ends, i.e. get divorced before marrying again.

Sorry, him telling you to stop nagging him about this, then, in the solicitors office, it turns out he's done nothing is a huge red flag to me.

It's achieved it's aim, though. He's got a bit partial to living at home. He can do without the aggro of moving out, getting his name on a mortgage, monthly payments, you in his ear day in day out, just for it to end, you know, like the other one did.

There's a 'mental block' gone on here and a refusal to accept any responsibility for your joint future together.

You're still making excuses for him. He was fobbed off a lot, because he wasn't pushy enough with the bank.
The bank would have no reason to fob him off; nor should an inordinate amount of "pushiness" be required to get them to accede to a perfectly reasonable request.
He didn't ask.

I suggest it boils down to whether you are likely to want kids.

Without kids this kind of thing could be irritating but manageable. With kids it will be a nightmare. When you have kids if your coparent isnt a responsible, competent adult then life is very much harder than it needs to be.

It really isn't that simple to come off the Deeds of a house and a mortgage! His ex needs to have applied for and been approved to take out the mortgage in her own name without him. If she doesn't qualify for whatever reason he's fucked!

If she had been approved a mortgage offer in her name would have been issued and she would have had (on average) 3 months to complete the transfer of the property, redemption of the old mortgage and putting in place the new mortgage in her name.

To do any of this her solicitor would have had to write to your DP tell him that she'd applied and asked if he was willing to sign the Transfer. He would have then been sent the transfer deed to sign in front of a witness and return it to her solicitor and would have been advised of the date that had been set for completion of the Transfer. These are not things you can forget or think had been done!

Basically he is lying to you in pretending that he thought it was all sorted! He knew and went to that meeting knowing! Can you deal with a person who thinks this is acceptable behaviour?

When someone shows you the person that they are believe them not the words they say or the image they project for other people.

For TWO YEARS he thought it was 'in hand?' What? In two whole years, he made no enquiries into what was going on/ how far things were moving? And you say he's clever.....

Redastherose is totally right.

My assumption is the ex doesn't qualify for the mortgage on her own or her new chap has poor credit.
Perhaps your do has 'nicely been giving her time to get things in order.
My do went through this with his ex and it took about 10 weeks to have him approved as sole earner and her removed

I know he was involved in the process. Forms were signed and sent but because it was a shared ownership from what I understand he signed out of the shared ownership but didn't realise it was only one stage over. He didn't sign any deed documents or mortgage release forms just agreed to it so she could get the ball rolling for her new mortgage. I'm not trying to defend him. It boils down to missing the big picture... Perceived wisdom is that anything involved in buying or selling a property is a massive ball ache. Everyone knows that. That's why I told him to start the process in plenty of time for the inevitable fucking about. But he didn't. I think he thought it was going to be relatively straight forward which it then wasn't and he's run out of time. I'm just angry that he ignored my advice, faffed around, crucially didn't stay on top of things and now it's bitten BOTH of us on the arse.

The cherry on this cake is him accusing you of nagging. If he can't be trusted to do things he deserves to be reminded. Personally I'd feel more like someone's mother than their partner if they said 'shurrup Mum, you're embarrassing me! Course I dunnit' when they were lying through their teeth. Is his name Kevin?

But the ex must also have known, what with mortgage statements arriving in both names! How ridiculous.

I say listen to pp who say he may be equally incompetent re children/when you’re ill etc. One of the reasons I value and love my DH so much is because he is organised with finances etc and sees it as important.

Sorry but if after 7 years he doesn't know whether he still owns part of a house, he lacks any common sense. He may be nice but can you really stand having to nurse maid him? Most people's eccentricities get more pronounced as they get older... cue for you this means you will get more fed up and exasperated with him as time goes on. Perhaps see this as a wake up and ....do what you will! I would be off thanks

I'm just angry that he ignored my advice, faffed around, crucially didn't stay on top of things and now it's bitten BOTH of us on the arse.

And blamed YOU for nagging. My Incompetent Ex always blamed me. Always.

Why don't you stay with this guy and see what happens next? And make your decision then?

But I'd avoid doing anything legal with him til you know.

Op I wasted my early 20snwith someone like this. Lovely, smart, got on great and I fancied him like mad. But he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery and it eroded my love till there was nothing left.

My uncle once told me that you shouldn't marry anyone who you wouldnt have as a business partner. At the time I thought he was tragically unromantic but I actually now think it's probably in the top 10 most sensible things anyone has ever said in the history of the universe.