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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

162 replies

Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 17:59

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 18:48

He didn't sign anything to be released from the mortgage, Pink. Hmm How could anyone imagine they were on the deeds of a house if they hadn't signed anything? Your intellect doesn't sound all that stellar, tbh.

Awrite · 11/04/2018 18:50

So, lacking in common sense is a get out of jail free card? I call bullshit.

And, he didn't sign to get out of the mortgage. I thought that was quite clear.

Donotdisturbme · 11/04/2018 18:52

pink he knew he was on the deeds!

DelphiniumBlue · 11/04/2018 18:55

Thing is, its not the incompetence but the dishonesty that I'd be worrying about. He clearly knew perfectly well that ,in fact ,the removal of his responsibilities for the existing hadn't been finalized. He told you that it had been sorted when he knew it hadn't been. He was aware of the potential problems because you told him, but rather than deal with it he accused you of nagging, to shut you up.

I don't think I'd be able to move on from that.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 18:58

He's not lying and is deeply ashamed and embarrassed by this. He was vague on the details, didn't double check documents had been received or processed etc. Overall he's pretty great. Helpful, domesticated, kind, thoughtful, great to his friends and family and my side dote on him. But they don't have to live with everyday missing keys, misplacement of wallet, forgetting appointments, not sending back forms therefore missing things, passport lost in dog food cupboard, going on holiday in the UK and not packing a single pair of trousers.... It's just not sexy. Most annoying incompetence have centred around being keen to show off and do DIY projects with little or no common sense or experience that have turned into disasters my dad has had to fix.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 11/04/2018 19:00

Op,with all due respect,I understand you are completely fucked off right now,but don't make a decision about ending with your dp whilst you are so angry with him(rightly so).
If you don't lose the house will you still want to buy with him?
Unfortunately it has been known for really,super intelligent people to not be great at getting things done outside of their career.
Your decision is,so you love him unconditionally despite his downside or is it just too much to live with?
This is what you need to calm down and think rationally about before you sign for this house if you manage to get the paperwork submitted in time.
I really hope things work out for you Flowers

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 19:01

How is he deeply ashamed and embarrassed by this, when you've been asking him to sort it for two years?
He's obviously as good at acting embarrassed as he is at acting intelligent, and he is neither.

nevermindthebollox · 11/04/2018 19:02

I have a dp who sounds exactly like yours, 20 years down the line it has bred a lot of resentment but it's very hard to get out of the relationship, my advice would be to lea e while you can, it makes for a very stressful life, I'm always on edge wondering what he's going to do next, it's not nice

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 11/04/2018 19:04

Exactly what Delphinium said.

Op, might be worth staying with your parents for the time being and carry on saving to buy on your own. If you want to continue dating it will give you time and space to truly see if he is worth the future frustration that is clearly inevitable with a man like this. If you were my daughter I would beg you not to 'settle' for someone unworthy of you.

GuntyMcGee · 11/04/2018 19:07

I don't even think it's a lack of common sense. I actually think it's sheer laziness - he though it was 'in hand' because he decided he couldn't be bothered to actually do something about it and potentially expected someone else to sort it for him, then couldn't be arsed to chase it/find out what was happening/sort it himself. So he free wheeled along while you were peddling in the other direction trying to sort the purchase of a new property.

Let this be a stark signal of what he will always be like. Lazy, complacent and generally not interested in taking on some mental/emotional work load to help move you both forward as a couple. It will always be on you so sort anything important. I worry that this is some sort of male default mode.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 19:16

I know you are all speaking so much sense and a lost of the comments have got me welling up here. But tomorrow I will see a post about some bastard who treats his partner like shit and worry that I will feel stupid for letting someone with a really good heart go (he is genuinely kind and definitely a lot nicer than me!) because I'm resentful that they are just not organised. I can see how the resentment can build though...

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 11/04/2018 19:16

I think the accusing you of nagging and mild gas lighting surrounding this and probably other instances, would finish it off for me.

It's not a cute or silly old sausage trait, it's humiliating and living on the edge of your seat, wtf is he gonna do next.

It makes you in to a micro managing harridan and not out of choice, while he swans around oblivious to it all

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 19:19

Thank you all for your responses. I think taking some time out to calm down and think this through would help. Maybe this house not working out is a god send. Thank you all for your support x

OP posts:
dogsdinnerlady · 11/04/2018 19:20

MY DH is like this. He has two degrees and a well-paid job but admits he has no common sense and thinks I should find his vagueness/forgetfulness/idiocy 'endearing'. He says he actually likes to think of himself as the absent-minded professor type. Over the years it saps all the joy out of life because he 'forgets' to do so many things. OP you have my sympathy.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 19:20

He keeps trying to update me on the latest from the mortgage company but ive said I have nothing to say right now, and would like to take some time out.

OP posts:
JudasPriestley · 11/04/2018 19:23

OP, it's not a choice between incompetent charmer or utter bastard, you know.

There are men who are neither.

I'd suggest you stop selling yourself short.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 19:23

The thing that would really piss me off here is that he "was fed up of your nagging."

Given that the rest of your life will be spent nagging him, it's better for both of you to part now.

He's bloody useless and will drive you mad.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 19:23

Dogs, thank you!! Everyone else has it done as a hapless nutty professor thing and think it's cute. It's not.

OP posts:
fufulina · 11/04/2018 19:24

He’s shown you how he operates. It really won’t change. I wish someone had told me that before I married!

seventh · 11/04/2018 19:25

But tomorrow I will see a post about some bastard who treats his partner like shit and worry that I will feel stupid for letting someone with a really good heart go

I left a man with a really good heart because I had lost almost all respect for him. 16 years of becoming someone I didn't want to be, was enough.

He's still a lovely kind man. His second marriage has now failed for the same reasons as his first - lack of respect. Ineptitude.

He's still a lovely man.

It's not enough for me

Flexoset · 11/04/2018 19:27

OP - I was just about to say that it might be just as well if the house purchase fell through. You beat me to it.

Really sorry you are going through all this. It really sounds like willed and deliberate incompetence. My own relationship suffers from my being responsible for organising absolutely bloody everything, and that's bad enough. I can only imagine how much worse it would be to have that process undermined and sabotaged like this.

kittensinmydinner1 · 11/04/2018 19:28

I agree with not being hasty in your decision whilst you are angry.
MN is always swift to advise ending a relationship, which is top advice for any form of DV but sometimes too knee jerk for character flaws. Which is what this is.
The question is, can you live with this flaw when balanced with his good points. ?
My DH is like your OH. I knew this soon after meeting him. Cambridge graduate , high earner, very kind with heart of gold and and lack of basic togetherness except for his job and his children.
For me the good far outweighs the annoying traits. However I made the decision to accept this and pre-empt numtiness by checking important stuff myself. He did try the 'don't treat me like a child' line but it is non negotiable if he wants to stay married. Because he won't change and I need to know stuff is done.
If this is not for you then you do have to call it a day, because if done involuntarily you will just resent him and be very unhappy.
Not a decision to be taken in 5 minutes.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 11/04/2018 19:28

I think you are very wise OP. My DH is wonderful, kind and the nicest man I know - but he puts off doing everything and it drives me mad. I can utterly see him doing this type of thing to be honest.

I think you need to step back from the situation and see what happens with the house. I think if you have lost it then I would be taking a break from the relationship to re-evaluate what you want to do. Buying a house 8 years ago with an ex suggests to me that he is at least in his 30s - and therefore is unlikely to change now.

fufulina · 11/04/2018 19:32

The issue is that he isn’t a nice man if he sabotages a much-wanted house purchase.

This incompetence is actually sheer selfishness. And lots of women (myself included!) pick up the slack and gradually become more and more bitter.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 11/04/2018 19:34

Good you told him you need space.
You are right, his fuck-up with the house is a blessing in disguise. You are young, clever and hardworking, you really do have the world at your feet and this could be the catalyst for a whole new chapter of your life. Be your own best friend op.

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