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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

162 replies

Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 17:59

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

OP posts:

Awrite · 12/04/2018 07:05

@Johnny - that is great advice. Actually, it is quite romantic as one of the biggest stressors in life is money worries. Someone to help alleviate the burden.

Ryder63 · 12/04/2018 07:13

Maybe...just maybe.....the house fiasco and the utter shock, anger and hurt that he caused you could trigger him into being more responsible in the future?

Donotdisturbme · 12/04/2018 07:23

The worrying thing is, it seems as if he thought the problem would go away if he did nothing about it. If the solicitor hadn’t discovered it, you would be none the wiser and it could have come back to bite you in the future and he was hoping the day would never come.

GaraMedouar · 12/04/2018 07:26

OP - my exP was similar. Resentment built over time and any love I had was totally eroded by the end. I felt like a mother to his ‘lovely , nice’ personality. Not what you want from a partner. Even though he was a nice guy (but lazy and cocklodger in my case as opposed to your partner who actually earns money).
Kids will make this ten times worse. With you doing all the thinking, organising , appointments etc.
Trouble is you are feeling like this now, already. He has shown you who he is. The resentment is already clear so will that change? Only if in your head you are happy to take over responsibility and be ‘mum’ to ensure things get done.

AlbertaSimmons · 12/04/2018 07:31

For me it would be the ignoring my advice bit. That's a signal of disrespect right there. Fair enough if it's something in his own world that doesn't affect you, ignore away, but not on some joint endeavour as important as this. You can't trust him, it's as simple as that.

There was a thread on here a while back about a husband who missed the application date for v bright child to sit entrance exam for top state school. Mum was hard working in own business, H was SAHD who was utterly incompetent. They nearly broke up over it. Mum had to step in and sort it out. She was devastated but sadly not surprised because her DH had form for letting the family down. She loved him and he was great in many ways, but the school thing was almost the last straw.

Learn from this. He doesn't respect you and your joint plans, he thinks your natural desire to do the job right is nagging and I'll bet when it's all sorted he'll reframe it as no big deal after all. Is this your longed- for future? Really?

Answerduck · 12/04/2018 07:43

I dont know if its laziness, fear, lack of common sense, procrastination or daftness ive heard of many people who are very clever academically but useless in practical matters. Im not sure its about competence.

Op i think even if his intentions and reasons were benign and genuine honestly its a big fat sign of what and how he will always be. People dont change. Id review my future with him or be prepared for a life of you making joint decisions on your own and chasing things and nagging him to get stuff done.

timeisnotaline · 12/04/2018 07:44

@jonny that is brilliant advice.
FWIW my dp has changed. I never found incompetence / thoughtlessness/ laziness about the home endearing and over the years had a number of major blow ups. But I was very very clear about how I felt. I suppose in your case if I were considering staying I’d 1. Agree some break is needed and 2. I wouldn’t want any updates on actions etc, at this point it’s not my problem. I’d want him to come to me once it’s sorted and say it’s done, with proof to show me. Then we could talk about whether there was a future. They’d be my preconditions.
If you were buying on your own. It’s only hard because there are two of you and one has completely dropped the ball. As it stands it’s not a relationship you can sustain- it shouldn’t be so much harder to be ina relationship than on your own.

dogsdinnerlady · 12/04/2018 07:51

I once read an article about this behaviour where it was labelled 'strategic incompetence'. In other words, there is a pay-off for being vague and other-worldly. These people operate perfectly well in areas that are important to them, usually their careers etc.
My DH is uninterested in anything that requires co-operation with me, initiative, commitment or organisation but only in the areas that involve us as a couple. He will promise to organise something - getting a builder round, say - then forget/not have time/you name the excuse.
I finally realised that this means he can't be bothered.

seventh · 12/04/2018 07:54

Yes .... it's interesting how they can ALWAYS sort the stuff which actually matters to them

Agamag · 12/04/2018 08:09

not rtft but I suggest you don't go ahead with him.

My husband was similarly stunningly incompetent at the buying stage. I should have listened to my reservations.

It's a hundred times worse since the children came along because the weird and incompetent decision making has put them in active danger at times. Ten years on I don't dare leave because of practicalities and because he'll get 50/50 residence. He loves them so much but I don't trust him on his own with them. He seems ok then he'll do something really, really stupid.

It's been a long and slow lesson in disappointment and not trusting his promises.

Your partner lied to you more than once when he said it was all being sorted. He might be fun to be around but he's a poor bet for reliability and trustworthiness.

IrenetheQuaint · 12/04/2018 08:36

Slight tangent but I'm a bit suspicious of this folk wisdom that there are people who are incredibly able professionally or academically but useless at organising their lives, as in practice these people are almost always men; professionally successful women seem to be perfectly competent at running the rest of their lives. I think it's an excuse for men who can't be arsed with mundane stuff and think other people should pick it up for them.

KateGrey · 12/04/2018 08:41

A friend of mine is like this. She’s very bright. Is a lead psychologist at a major hospital and very well respected in her field but has very little common sense. She doesn’t do it on purpose and she’ll admit she lacks common sense.

Original poster

Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 09:14

Well yesterday's seething has been replaced today by cold indifference. I am totally stuck now. Living at home has gone on too long now and it's starting to drive me insane, I'm grateful for the help but desperate to get my life back! I can't rent easily due to having a pet and I probably won't get a mortgage alone. I live in the SE and am tempted to move up north where I might manage a mortgage, but I have a great job here and would miss my life. This has all just gone terribly wrong.

OP posts:

dogsdinnerlady · 12/04/2018 10:10

OP you will always get conflicting points of view but in the end you have to trust your own judgement. Only you know DP so only you can decide.How bout showing him this thread so he can see other people's reactions? Good luck.

LadyLancelot · 12/04/2018 12:57

Staying with him might make life easier in the short term but unless you want to live like this for ever then you'll have to break up at some point. There are stillaffordable homes in the South east, you might not have to move away. What about a new build with help to buy?

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 12/04/2018 13:05

I don’t understand how you got to completion in the first place. Surely this would have come up when you got your mortgage agreement in principle?

S0upertrooper · 12/04/2018 13:19

OP I have a DH like this. I should have run a long time ago, I'm on the starting blocks atm.....

PenCobSwan · 12/04/2018 13:21

Sorry it's all gone belly up like this for you. You may feel the urge to run away because you are so furious. Do not do this. You need things around you that are familiar to you to help you feel grounded so you can make a wise decision.

It may take some time to be able to make a better decision about what you are going to do next, i.e. wait for your emotions to clear so that emotion doesn't cloud your judgement.

Right now, does the idea of living with him seem totally abhorent ? If so, then the relationship has finished.

Maybe not show him this thread, you might feel small in the long run.

What's the last 48 hours been like for him ? No change of course. Save to say he knows he's dropped a bollock. He's not boiling furious/cold indifference like you are.

HarmlessChap · 12/04/2018 13:34

So he signed forms which he thought removed him from the mortgage and ownership of the other property but they didn't, that sounds naive and overly trusting.

My guess is that the ex has been somewhat deceptive in this and failed to tell him things. There's every chance the lender wasn't happy to remove him from the mortgage, in which case she would have had to raise a mortgate to clear the joint mortgate and have the ownership transferred to her sole name but couldn't get a mortgage on her own and chose not to tell him.

It may be that to remove his name that property now has to be sold but he might be entitled to a proportion of any equity as well!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 12/04/2018 13:35

I agree with @redastherose what a prick.

@TokenBritPoshOfCourse you don’t get to see what’s on the credit search the mortgage company do, they just tell you if you pass.

He must have just thought at that point that it didn’t matter.

I’m not sure I’d be able to get over this OP. So sorry for you.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 12/04/2018 13:36

@HarmlessChap I would agree with this if he was a first time buyer. If you’ve bought before - especially on shared ownership - then you know what the paperwork is like and have an inkling of what lenders and solicitors need.

GeekyWombat · 12/04/2018 13:41

OP were you using a mortgage broker? Is it worth asking them if they think they could get you a mortgage as a sole buyer and if so to what kind of value?

FinallyHere · 12/04/2018 13:52

but I'm not sure if on its own it's a dumpable offence

Fair enough, but i would be thinking very carefully whether i wanted to do a joint house purchase with someone like that. Someone who can't be trusted to do his half, where you always have to do the final checks and sort out any mess. If you could live like that, fine. It doesn't sound like the makings of an adult to adult relationship to me. Some people may be fine with being the 'parent' for ever..

Especially if he tries to stop you nagging, too. Ugh.

My parents were like this, my mother chose the colour of things, my father did the grown up. She was always the sunny, hope for the best optimist, he more careful and a tad grumpy. Now he is dead, she is v v vulnerable.

I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. Do you?

tortelliniforever · 12/04/2018 13:57

Oh dear...this sounds like my dh. Recently foubd out that we had been paying for a phone line in a house we don't even own for 2 years because dh had "sorted" it. It is so wearing . I can't delegate anything because he needs so much chivvying and checking up on that it is quicker to do it myself.

Sugarplumps · 12/04/2018 14:08

I am in the middle of divorcing an incompetent without any common sense. It was a creeping problem that grew over eight years until suddenly I had done all childcare, every house move, every conveyancing, every holiday booking, and paid for it all to boot. His only job when we moved house was to update the address on the car with dvla and he never did it and the car got bailiffed due to his parking ticket to the tune of £300 (which came from my savings, he doesn't even have a pension). He's now proving to be a bit helpless and panicky in the divorce process and is expecting me to organise and research everything and do it OMG AS FAST AS POSSIBLE because oh noes his mental health is suffering.
If you think you can cope with being the Grown Up for someone you love and never asking him to undertake anything like this again, then stay with him, eyes wide open. But think long and hard. This is a sackable offence IMHO.
💐 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Conveyancing is hard enough!!!

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