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Original poster

Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

162 replies

Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 17:59

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 12/04/2018 14:30

But they don't have to live with everyday missing keys, misplacement of wallet, forgetting appointments, not sending back forms therefore missing things, passport lost in dog food cupboard, going on holiday in the UK and not packing a single pair of trousers.... It's just not sexy

With respect @Thecrabbypatty these are things that are usually seen as endearing to one's partner. These are things you, as a loving wife, would love your DH for not in spite of....??

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 14:35

yesterday's seething has been replaced today by cold indifference

It's right to take your time over the decision, but do be aware that "cold indifference" could easily become the basis of your feelings for him if you stay

He may well be appalled, embarrassed and "updating you all the time" right now, but what happens when this crisis passes and he once again engages his stellar intellect (Hmm) solely on what interests him? Is there any real possibility of him owning this, or will he revert to accusations of nagging and just more of the same?

You're very wise to be taking some time out, but when you're ready it might be worth having a very focused conversation with him about just what he's willing to do

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/04/2018 14:36

What? Confused

FinallyHere · 12/04/2018 14:37

having a very focused conversation with him about just what he's willing to do

Oh, and watch what he does, not so much what he says he will do. All the best.

LadyLancelot · 12/04/2018 14:40

I don't know about you but I need more from a life partner than just being someone who I love and who is a good person. They also need to be able to take care of themselves and also us as a family. Me being socialised as a woman, I quite often find myself taking on too much of the house and kids stuff so I deliberately hand it over to the dh to sort stuff out and he does it with no problem. Sometimes it's just nice for someone to go don't worry, I'll take care of that and you know it's going to be done.

SickofThomasTheTank · 12/04/2018 14:49

"But they don't have to live with everyday missing keys, misplacement of wallet, forgetting appointments, not sending back forms therefore missing things, passport lost in dog food cupboard, going on holiday in the UK and not packing a single pair of trousers.... It's just not sexy"

With respect @Thecrabbypatty these are things that are usually seen as endearing to one's partner. These are things you, as a loving wife, would love your DH for not in spite of....??

SickofThomasTheTank · 12/04/2018 14:50

The first part of that was meant to be in bold!!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/04/2018 14:55

But the last paragraph is your own opinion, SickofThomas??
What's lovable and endearing about living with a modern day Frank Spencer?

Cricrichan · 12/04/2018 15:14

I wouldn't buy a house with him. He is more than capable of keeping on top of things (and in this case, you were actually telling him) if he wants. Tell him that you can't continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't care enough to be an equal grown-up. See what he says and does.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 15:22

Personally - and however tempting it is - I'd also resist stepping in to try to salvage this house purchase. If you've only got a couple of days to sort things out it's probably gone anyway, and it will be interesting to see just how long his dedication to "sorting it out" lasts

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/04/2018 15:31

Seriously look into buying something, anything, on your own through a mortgage broker. If your parents are in a position to help that would be a bonus.
Alternatively a houseshare with a friend (not him fgs as you will be sorting everything including all the crap that will follow) ?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 15:31

Was there not a point in time when you thought to confirm it was all sorted OP? Before you invested money and time in buying a house?

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 12/04/2018 15:58

zibbidoo why should she have to check up on him if it was, as he promised, all "in hand"? He's an adult (technically if not by latest behaviour) and told her to "stop nagging" and checking over 2 YEARS - so why is it her fault? Always one who will try to find a way to blame the woman Hmm

Donotdisturbme · 12/04/2018 16:03

How have you left it with him op?

JessieMcJessie · 12/04/2018 16:08

SickofThomas

I think it is nonsense to say that losing keys, wallet, passport, not packing trousers are things that are usually seen as endearing to one’s partner. For a start you’ve got three pages of posts on here from women who dumped and divorced men for exactly that sort of behaviour! Why is it endearing to be an unreliable adult-child who makes your partner’s life much harder? Are you a man thinking of how nice it feels to protect a scatty little pea-brained woman?

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 16:13

How exactly can I confirm this? I can't get info from banks or brokers about whether someone has a mortgage and the only thing I could do was possibly check the deeds and I'm not sure someone unrelated to the property can do that? I did the credit checks (both of ours are excellent) and I did the applications. We did explain that he was coming off another mortgage but solicitors and broker shrugged it off and said it was no problem so long as it was done by completion. This was all 6 months ago so myself, solicitor, broker etc were all expecting it to be done well before now. I know the company his ex instructed are crap and extremely slow but as I maintain THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN AN ISSUE IF HE HAD DAMN WELL DONE IT EARLIER!

He is off work today constantly phoning, emailing, phoning back and demanding to speak to managers at the moment, and going backwards and forwards between builder and solicitor. He is really trying now to get it back on track and it might be salvageable. Apparently the letter about putting it back on the market was a blanket letter and designed to get feet draggers to cough up. The builders have known about our delay since mid Feb and have apologised for the panic, but it's still been 8 weeks since the jaw dropping trip to the solicitors to complete.

I am calmer now and I know deep down this has shaken him. Really shaken him. I think a concise talk about how to avoid anything like this again is necessary.

Sugar yes! DP realised a while ago that he was still paying for laptop insurance on a laptop that had been binned a year before. Fortunately it was a tiny amount but same kind of thing.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 12/04/2018 16:19

crabby not blaming you at all or saying that you should have checked but anyone can search on the Land Registry website to see who is listed as the registered owner of a property. It costs a few quid and you pay online.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 16:22

The builders have known about our delay since mid Feb ... but it's still been 8 weeks since the jaw dropping trip to the solicitors to complete

Hang on a sec; I've just read that four times and still can't believe it means what it seems to ... surely you don't mean it's 8 weeks since he discovered he's still on the other mortgage and it's only now that he's calling round to sort it??

I must have this wrong, mustn't I?? Confused

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 16:25

And since the laptop insurance he now has an elaborate budget spreadsheet and is occasionally better with his money then me now! And I'm a real saver! He has said a few times that he really wants to be a better man for me and is trying hard to be better. His missing items have improved over the years, he's never since I've known him missed a bill or payment and he's organised to the point of ridiculous with his emergency services volunteering and job.

The most recent thing before this disaster was helping a stranded family get home by clearing his car and accidentally driving off with his parcel shelf on the roof!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 16:27

Yes he has known since February. There was a flurry of activity back then, lots of slow motion back and forth, company claiming not to have received recorded delivery forms etc. Now we are here.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/04/2018 16:29

but anyone can search on the Land Registry website to see who is listed as the registered owner of a property

Not really the point is it? He said he'd do it - he didn't.

(Possibly waiting for his ex to sort it all out for him?)

I assume he holds down a job and therefore takes some responsibility for his work because not doing so would affect other people in his line of work? How could he not envisage this as an issue?

It is selfish!

OP you are doing a grand job of letting him sort his own shit out - please don't get into a habit of taking on tasks for him and bailing him out in future.

DH has always procrastinated about holiday and then we end up missing out (again) and no I'm not sorting it.

Currently we have 5 weeks til we go away and the kids passports docs are on the table completed with old passports and pics 'ready' to go.

All he needs to do is picking them up and get his colleague to fill in their bit. Couldn't be simpler.

We'll see

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 16:35

Yes he has known since February

I honestly don't know what to say, patty. In your first post it sounded as if you'd only just visited the solicitor and discovered it all, but for him to have had this shock eight weeks ago and still not sorted it out ... well, words fail me

Naturally it's not my decision to make, but he wouldn't be for me, that's for sure Sad

JessieMcJessie · 12/04/2018 16:39

I know it’s not the point GreenTulips. I did say that in my post. But crabby had said in hers that she disn’t Think it was possible to do this so I was just clarifying that it was possible, in case anyone else went away thinking that it wasn’t.

As I said, absolutely no suggestion OP should have done it.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 16:41

zibbidoo why should she have to check up on him if it was, as he promised, all "in hand"? He's an adult (technically if not by latest behaviour) and told her to "stop nagging" and checking over 2 YEARS - so why is it her fault? Always one who will try to find a way to blame the woman hmm

Hmm nothing to do with her being a woman fgs! She is an adult who was entering into a serious financial commitment with someone else. You don’t leave things like this to other people. Not when it’s your money on the line. You check every sodding detail. Common bloody sense. Or just end up in OPs position if you don’t want to check some pesky details Hmm why would you not check?? Baffles me.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 16:43

I can't get info from banks or brokers about whether someone has a mortgage and the only thing I could do was possibly check the deeds and I'm not sure someone unrelated to the property can do that?

No but he could. Obviously. And then, I don’t know, shown you then? Just an idea.