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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just.. Bloody... INCOMPETENT!

162 replies

Thecrabbypatty · 11/04/2018 17:59

I am seething. My partner and I moved back to our respective parents over a year ago. We have been together over three years and decided to move home to save for a deposit. DP bought a flat over 8 years ago with an ex and moved out of it 7 years ago. For well over two years I have been warning him he must make sure he is fully removed from his old mortgage and property deeds or it will bugger up our house buying. He swore blind everything was under control and got fed up of my nagging. Since there was nothing I could physically do I trusted him to get it sorted and he promised it had been.

Cue completing on our house buy.... Only for the solicitor to politely ask why he was still on a previous mortgage and deeds!!! I nearly keeled over at this point.

I was shocked, solicitor was surprised, DP was basically hyperventilating and then finally admitted that he thought it was in hand but had never actually signed anything??!!!

DP is a lovely, kind and sweet man but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence. I'm so angry and we have two days until the house is put back on the market. We have waited 6 months for this house already and I'm so fucking fed up now. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like I'm losing my love for him because I'm losing my respect for him. He's horrified and profusely apologetic but it's not enough. Am I being harsh or is this an omen of a life of fuck ups to come? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 16:50

Oh thanks zibbidoo. Today is one of the most horrible days I've ever had and now you have informed me that actually I'm the incompetent one for not demanding paper evidence. Thanks for that.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 17:01

No actually, he is. Clearly. But you could have checked it was done. I don’t know why you didn’t. I didn’t cause your awful situation. But if it makes you feel better to blame me as well as him then go for it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 17:03

Don't worry, patty ... you're in a relationship with a (supposed) adult and it's not as if you didn't ask what was happening; you did, and were told it was sorted and that you were nagging

Apologies, too, if my own last post made you feel bad; it honestly wasn't meant that way, and was just that I can't get my head around how he disregarded still being on the mortgage before the solicitor's appointment, then failed to resolve it in eight long weeks since and lied to you into the bargain Sad

SeaEagleFeather · 12/04/2018 17:17

but this isn't the first time I have lost respect for him for his sheer incompetence

if this is a pattern then fixing this particular spectacular fuckup won't help so much. The pattern is the problem.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 17:19

Appreciate it puzzled. I'm asking myself the same question. How can this have taken so long. Just how?

OP posts:
BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 12/04/2018 17:22

I assume he holds down a job and therefore takes some responsibility for his work because not doing so would affect other people in his line of work?

If he's personable and knowledgable, then it's possible that he's being enabled at work - and if it carries on, he'll not only keep his job, but continue to progress up the ladder until he's in a position where his incompetency could destroy someone else's career.

Incompetence is the most difficult thing to performance manage.

Original poster
Thecrabbypatty · 12/04/2018 17:24

SeaEagle the other stuff has been annoying but has not dramatically impacted me. Indirectly yes, at times but this is the biggy. I'm not an enabler and very much your fuck up, your problem kind of person. This is why I posted. It wasn't such a problem when it didn't affect me but now it has and it makes me scared for my future in particular and our relationship in general.

OP posts:
n0ne · 12/04/2018 17:25

My stbxh used to be like this. Would ignore, procrastinate and postpone perfectly quick and easy tasks (like signing a cheque! I'd done all the admin legwork, he literally just needed to take the proffered pen and sign the cheque) til we'd get into real trouble and incur fines and interest and bailiff letters. It was worrying and exhausting and I felt like a nag asking him a thousand times to do one simple task. It's not even like we were short of money or anything.

I'm so glad not to be in that position anymore. I'd have a big think if I were you, OP.

GreenTulips · 12/04/2018 17:39

You don’t leave things like this to other people

What else could she do? His name on the deeds. He said it would be sorted. He's know about it for over two years if not longer.

She can't physically go in demanding he's taken off can she?

Missingstreetlife · 12/04/2018 17:40

You will just have to check everything forever, or do everything yourself and make him do extra housework or something. Very wearing, esp when they complain you are nagging. No point fighting it, try couple counselling, but ultimately it is what it is. Put up with it or move on. Good luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/04/2018 17:40

How can this have taken so long. Just how?

There's no answer really, is there, except that he just didn't care enough to make the necessary effort? I think that - and the lying about it being sorted - is what would bother me most, along with Sea Eagle's point about this being a pattern

As PPs have said, there's also the issue around what would happen if you got sick or if you have a family, and whether you'd have to do everything then too while he hovered vaguely in the background, letting you bear all the load. That could get very tiresome very fast, and such selfishness may quickly destroy any love you felt for him

Only you know if he's capable of change, but if he's not, do you want that kind of life now he's shown what his attitude is to the really big things?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 17:47

What else could she do? His name on the deeds. He said it would be sorted. He's know about it for over two years if not longer.

Wait for proof before going ahead with a mortgage and house purchase.

She can't physically go in demanding he's taken off can she?

No, but she doesn’t have to enter into financial arrangements with him without proof he did what he said he had.

There is a small element of personal responsibility here! Especially as he has form for this kind of thing.

BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 12/04/2018 17:54

Wait for proof before going ahead with a mortgage and house purchase.

You're fucking kidding me!

How is that an equal partnership?

If my DH has demanded he see my decree absolut before booking our reg office id have been out of there!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 18:33

You're fucking kidding me!

I’m absolutely fucking not. Why would I be? Buying a house with someone is no joke. It’s very fucking serious. You are financially attaching yourself to that other person. If you can’t ask them that question to safeguard your own financial wellbeing then you’ve no business entering any financial arrangement with them. Wake up!!

withouttea · 12/04/2018 18:35

I'm so sorry to hear you may have lost this house...but maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.

My first husband was like this. Smartest man I've ever met - but always late for stuff, always saying 'I tried' when the latest incompetence caused us problems. I got cornered into the position of his rescuer and I was young and didn't know about boundaries and personal responsibility. So I rescued and eventually, quietly seethed. And then not so quietly. And he just delegated it all to me.

Step away from the detail, OP, of what he should or shouldn't have been done to fix this latest incompetence episode. Take a good, objective look at him. I'd put weight on only what he has actually DONE, not what he says or promises to do. Only actions count.

Do you like what you see when you look only at his actions, not promises and his easy-going persona?

mikeyssister · 12/04/2018 18:48

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo to some extent you are correct. But saying that OP must also take some personal responsibility is going too far.

BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 12/04/2018 18:49

If you can’t ask them that question to safeguard your own financial wellbeing then you’ve no business entering any financial arrangement with them. Wake up!!

The OP did ask the question. In an equal and trusting relationship, it is not necessary to demand evidence.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 18:59

The OP did ask the question.

“Can you show me proof?” She asked that one?

Trusting people who have form for this kind of thing leads to exactly this kind of problem. Which is why you make 100% sure yourself.

Disagree mikey. OP had the option to confirm before going ahead with the house purchase.

MaybeDoctor · 12/04/2018 19:25

It is fairly reasonable for the OP to have thought that, despite his trouser-forgetting habits, on this crucial question of the prior mortgage his word could have been relied upon.

This is the moment of the scales falling from her eyes. She is not to blame here.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 19:32

I never said she was to blame!! He is. (I’ve already said that too!) only he could have removed his name from the deeds. But OP could have (and IM lonely O) should have. it’s far too important a thing not to be sure. Love and trust is great but it doesn’t trump self preservation in this very real world where people can and do mess up. Women are constantly being financially shafted by men either deliberately or through being “useless with this stuff” and a lot of that could be avoided by reading the small print, knowing what you're signing and being sure what he says is actually true before committing.

FinallyHere · 12/04/2018 19:38

I'm all for self reliance and reading the small print, but, should you really have to? What kind of partnership is that? I'm afraid than it just isn't a partnership.

And OP has some time now to decide what she wants to do about that.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 19:45

but, should you really have to?

What?? Should you really have to take responsibility for knowing what financial arrangements you are entering into? Err yes. Obviously. Who else should that responsibility fall to if not you? Confused

What kind of partnership is that?

A fully informed one with no nasty surprises?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 12/04/2018 19:47

It really is little wonder this board is full to bursting of women who’ve had the rug completely pulled from under them. We’re all just supposed to blindly trust whatever a man tells us. Sad

BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 12/04/2018 20:30

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo No, you've missed the point. It's not about blindly trusting what a man tells us.
It's having enough respect and confidence in ourselves not to settle for a man who we can't trust.

The OP has had doubts in the past, and this incident, which has happened before she entered into a financial commitment, is a clear indication that her DP is not to be relied on. She deserves better than that - she should not have to settle for a man who she requires proof from because she can't trust his word.

LiteraryDevil · 12/04/2018 20:33

Oh OP what a shitty situation. I know exactly what you mean by losing your respect and your love for him. I agree with what others have said in that he will always be like this with someone else pulling up his slack and sorting his shit. Unless he has to do stuff himself he'll always rely on others and you'll start to see it in other areas of life too and you'll resent him completely. As hard as it is I'd view this as a lucky escape from a life time of mothering him and embrace a new beginning Thanks