Am I being silly to be upset about this money issue, and what would you do?

[grumblebee1]

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

We recently bought a house, and with car repairs and other unexpected expenses since the beginning of the year I already owe my husband 900€. This is because I pay for half of everything, including half of both our car repairs even though his were much more, and I feel this is normal.

I cannot spend money I do not have, and feel I cannot go to the restaurant, already knowing I owe that amount, and knowing there are quite a few high costs coming up.
Might I also mention we very rarely go out as we have young children, and I have not bought anything for myself for nearly a year because since we have bought the house money is tight for me.

So I told my husband I cannot go because I cannot pay, and so he will go by himself.
I do not expect my husband to pay for anything for me, and he does not buy me gifts outside of Birthday/Xmas, and I do not expect him to…
Am I being silly to be upset thinking he should want to pay for my menu just to have me with him to enjoy the evening all together? Any advice is welcome!

You are married, you have a house together and children - why are your finances not joint?

^ this.

As above

Wow, sounds like a miserable way to do finances in your house.

I already owe my husband 900€ you what?
it is normal to either have joint finances or totally separate, it is not normal for you to pay for half his bloody car repairs!

I think your way of handling money is unfair. If he earns anything other than exactly the same as you, and has anything other than the same expenses then you should either pool finances or pay according to what you earn. And what expenses are yours? Does he pay 50% of all childcare? What about shopping?
Did you get a choice over his car? If not then why don't you just pay for your own cars? Would you live in a cheaper house if not with him?

More marriages break over money than infidelity. I suggest you have honest conversation about money and how to share expenses fairly. 50-50 might be fair when dating but not when family (or are you going to start charging your dc their share?).

Does. Not. Compute.

If you have separate finances then why do you owe him for having his car mended?

How much spare money do you each have for yourself each month?

and I feel this is normal. It isn't.

You're married. Why don't you share finances?

Wow. That's a fairly unusual way to behave in a marriage where he won't even buy you dinner.

However this is the rules you have both agreed to. You do not pay for each other and you pay half of everything, and you already owe him quite a substantial sum, so on one hand you say you don't expect him to pay for you, then you ask if you're unreasonable to want him to.

So, as said, for me your set up is weird, I can't imagine living like that , but it is a set up you both decided on, as such, no you should not expect him to buy you an expensive dinner when you already owe him 900 quid.

Your boundaries in relationships seem to be very low indeed. What did you learn about relationships when growing up.

You pay for half of everything with your H even though you have two young children and seemingly not in outside employment?. He has done a right number on you, what access to money do you actually have and do you know how much he earns?. I reckon too he has brought plenty for himself whilst you have not bought anything even a haircut for you.

I reckon money is tight for you because your H is financially abusing you. I would learn more about financial abuse. What is he like with you day to day as well, I ask only as such men tend to be abusive in other ways too.

So your husband has steak whike you have to make do with a burger - sod that for a game of soldiers!

Do you have an equal split of personal funds? Do you have access to money and a budget? Can you have reasonable discussions about money? Are you on the same page with savings and long term financial planning?

It sounds like youve got a bigger problem than a restaurant meal.

I don’t owe my husband any money. That is because all money is joint no matter who earns it. Don’t understand couples who split money like roommates. My husband would never go out for a meal without me just because I couldn’t afford it.

Yanbu

That’s just weird...

what a tight arsehole.

Yeah its not normal at all

But with your logic surely your cars are separate anyway

And he is your husband how on earth can you owe him money

But yes any decent husband would pay

I think your husband is being unreasonable to go out for a meal without his wife because "she" cant afford it

How do you think he'll explain your absence to your good friends, op? Will he be comfortable telling them you didn't join them because you couldn't afford it?
He should be; if it's so normal.

Attila, what makes you think she doesn't work? If she pays half of everything it would appear she does.

In addition. If they pay half of everything, then it seems they pay half of each other's car bills, whatever they may be, and we all know that's th luck of the draw.

It's not financial abuse to have her pay her half and it's not ok to assume because she's a woman she doesn't work. However it is a weird as fuck set up where there is no generosity and they owe each other money and don't treat each other. It's far from normal.

Not normal, downright weird.

Get your own solictor and pay them for your half of the divorce.

I also find this a strange setup. Whoever owns the car/uses it, then pays for the up keep.

Really not normal unless you both earn the same or you have debts from before you met him. In a dual income 2 car couple, I'd say it was normal for each adult to pick their own car and be responsible for the upkeep. Each adult would pick a car that they could be responsible for. Is his car newer, more expensive and flashier by any chance? Are you driving a more modest reliable car?