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Original poster

Am I being silly to be upset about this money issue, and what would you do?

132 replies

grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 17:44

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

We recently bought a house, and with car repairs and other unexpected expenses since the beginning of the year I already owe my husband 900€. This is because I pay for half of everything, including half of both our car repairs even though his were much more, and I feel this is normal.

I cannot spend money I do not have, and feel I cannot go to the restaurant, already knowing I owe that amount, and knowing there are quite a few high costs coming up.
Might I also mention we very rarely go out as we have young children, and I have not bought anything for myself for nearly a year because since we have bought the house money is tight for me.

So I told my husband I cannot go because I cannot pay, and so he will go by himself.
I do not expect my husband to pay for anything for me, and he does not buy me gifts outside of Birthday/Xmas, and I do not expect him to…
Am I being silly to be upset thinking he should want to pay for my menu just to have me with him to enjoy the evening all together? Any advice is welcome!

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 11/04/2018 18:17

He'd go without you? Really? That's just bizarre. He's happy to go out for an expensive meal while you stay home and have beans on toast. That is so odd, I can't get my head around it.

Why on earth are you paying for half of his car repairs? I have a feeling he'll be running a Merc or BMW and you're in a banger?

Original poster
grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 18:17

The flat washes it's face it is rented out there is the occasional additional cost.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 11/04/2018 18:17

I wouldn't even date a man who was that tight let alone remain married to one.

Quartz2208 · 11/04/2018 18:18

so if he doesnt pay for your flat why are you paying for each others cars?

At the moment it seems to benefit him not you - find a fairer way

FinallyHere · 11/04/2018 18:19

Honestly though why is the flat not part of your joint costs ? Why don't you each pay for your own cars? Does his cost more than yours on average?

recklessgran · 11/04/2018 18:21

Crikey OP - I would be long gone.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 18:22

So are you getting the rental income into your bank account, or are the costs yours and the income shared? Flat sounds like a bit of a red herring, tbh.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:22

Ok so the flat is irrelevant.

You earn the same and share all costs 50/50. So you both have the same disposable income. He's been managing money better and you've had to have him pay over 900 euros for your share as you didn't have the money. Now you want him to take you for an expensive meal. And he's refusing.

Meh. I wouldn't do what he is doing but I think it's shit if you have the same disposable income he's having to sub you out of his earnings. His costs are the same as yours as everything is 50/50.

Why is he managing to pay his share of the bills, and part of yours, when you both have the same disposable income? And you can't even pay your share never mind part of his. What do you spend on that he doesn't?

Original poster
grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 18:22

Well yes his does cost more but it is also the family car and frankly it is fair most of the time unfortunately this time his cost a lot more.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 11/04/2018 18:22

I honestly do not understand this. Why would someones husband go out without them rather than pay for their dinner? Just why? Won't your friends think this is very odd? Am i old fashioned in thinking that if you love someone and want to share your life with them forever you don't treat them this way?

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 11/04/2018 18:23

If he wanted you to go for dinner with him he would pay another 90 euro. If he couldn't afford another 90 euro he change to a restaurant where it costs about 45 euro a head so you could go without it costing any more for the night. It could be that he doesn't want you to go. Do you have a good relationship with him (other than the money thing)? Do you enjoy spending time with each other?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:26

I honestly do not understand this. Why would someones husband go out without them rather than pay for their dinner

I suspect as we drill down, she spends money on other things, which is causing him to pay more of his share of the bills from his income and it's pissing him off. Which I can understand. If my husband and I earned the same and split everything 50/50 I'd be annoyed if he kept running out of money and expecting me to pay more.900 is a lot.

The question is what is she spending her income on that's leaving her short, because the op is written so you find on her side.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2018 18:27

Your system is clearly bloody stupid and doesn't work.

How and why and what you do about that are up for debate. Should you sell the flat? Should you pool money and jointly own the flat? Should you budget massively better? All talking points. But not up for debate is that your system is ridiculous.

TheFaerieQueene · 11/04/2018 18:28

It all sounds rather joyless.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:30

I don't think it's remotely ridiculous now we have the facts. They earn the same and split the costs equally, giving them equal disposable income. The issue is she's not being paying her equal share and he's being using what's left of his disposable income to pay the bills. Whilst she is paying less bills and spending her disposable income on something else.

Same earnings, split the costs is fine. It only stops being fine when one party, the op, doesn't pay their share.

Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 18:31

I'm baffled Confused

eggcellent · 11/04/2018 18:32

I don't get why you're paying for his car if your finances are separate? And surely the flat should be a joint asset now you're married.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 18:33

Agree, Bluntness. The dripfeed of the completely irrelevant self sustaining flat and the fact that his car is actually the family car certainly seems to be a deliberate attempt to slant the story her way, for maximum sympathy.

TheJoyOfSox · 11/04/2018 18:33

Sounds ridiculous to miss a nice night out with your husband. Most couples would happily pay for each other, you’re his wife and equal so why are you acting like the downstairs skullery maid?

CaMePlaitPas · 11/04/2018 18:36

You bore him children, he can pick up the tab for dinner.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:36

His car is the family car and he pays for half of hers. As is usual with cars, some bills are higher, some lower, it's hard to predict. So it's fine.

As is splitting the costs equally on a same income basis.

The op is really badly written to skew you to think she has all these costs and can't afford them when in reality he has the same costs and the same income. However he's also now paying a share of her costs. So instead of 50/50 it's now 60/40 or whatever.

I'd also not take her out for an expensive meal. Unless she comes up with what she spends her extra on that she needs to which stops her paying the bills. Right now it sounds like she's taking the piss.

Daisymay2 · 11/04/2018 18:39

Is the reason you have less money is that you are paying all the childcare costs? If so he needs to be paying 50/50

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2018 18:39

Of course it's ridiculous even now we know the details. It doesn't mean it's unfair, just ridiculous. She owes her DH 900€ FGS.

Now the 'system' I'm talking about isn't the split necessarily. The entire budgeting system isn't working.

KarmaStar · 11/04/2018 18:40

Hi op,
Yes he should pay for you.no you should not pay for his car repairs and other bills.
You need to sit down with him and pay a percentage depending on your incomes.
If he is earning more,he pays more.
Also,you need to start saving in an account he has no knowledge of and never will.just put by what you can.You may well need it one day.
He should not be going to an expensive restaurant without you!
You must love him a. Lot to stay because i wouldn't.
Good luck in the future op,you need to be kinder to yourself and put yourself first sometimes.Flowers

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:40

I'm going to guess not daisy.Hmm