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Original poster

Am I being silly to be upset about this money issue, and what would you do?

132 replies

grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 17:44

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

We recently bought a house, and with car repairs and other unexpected expenses since the beginning of the year I already owe my husband 900€. This is because I pay for half of everything, including half of both our car repairs even though his were much more, and I feel this is normal.

I cannot spend money I do not have, and feel I cannot go to the restaurant, already knowing I owe that amount, and knowing there are quite a few high costs coming up.
Might I also mention we very rarely go out as we have young children, and I have not bought anything for myself for nearly a year because since we have bought the house money is tight for me.

So I told my husband I cannot go because I cannot pay, and so he will go by himself.
I do not expect my husband to pay for anything for me, and he does not buy me gifts outside of Birthday/Xmas, and I do not expect him to…
Am I being silly to be upset thinking he should want to pay for my menu just to have me with him to enjoy the evening all together? Any advice is welcome!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 18:01

I'm not following how this can work with kids etc...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 18:02

I did not assume OP does not work, I used the word seemingly in that sentence.

This is a bad set up for the OP and gives her H all the power and control in their relationship. I would think he has spent plenty of money this past year as well whilst OP continues to go without. Why is their money seemingly separate?.

silverbirches · 11/04/2018 18:02

Er... this is appalling and tantamount to financial abuse. You are married and all funds should be joint money. You shouldn't owe him anything.

SavoyCabbage · 11/04/2018 18:03

My mother's friend had this sort of marriage. If he bought a lightbulb he would ask her for 87p as it was a household expense.

She had a horrible life and it was completely dominated by how much everything cost.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 11/04/2018 18:03

This really isn't normal. We have separate bank accounts but there is no concept of owing each other money!

InDubiousBattle · 11/04/2018 18:04

This really isn't normal op.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 18:04

Surely this isn't true. He's really going to the meal on his own because you can't afford to pay your share because you've spent all your money on his big car bill?

You need to invoke the spirit of Susie in Curb Your Enthusiasm. She should now be your guide.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 11/04/2018 18:04

And what does your husband owe you?

Beaverhausen · 11/04/2018 18:05

I am not married to my partner, I am a SAHM and MY cat not his has already cost us £300 in vets bills, he has not moaned or complained even though we can hardly afford it.

If your husband goes to that dinner and does not take you then he is not a husband. That is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, yes we share the responsibility of bills etc but that is why there are such a thing as a joint bank account.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2018 18:06

What money do you have coming in and how does it compare to what he has coming in. We can't really comment on the 'fairness' of your everything 50:50 deal until we know what the earnings are for each.

Leaving aside what split is fair ( for the record, I would suggest that you pay joint outgoings in proportion to you income. The way I would do that is work out a budget for joint outgoings to which you each contribute in proportion to your earnings. Anything else you pay your own way but for example if one of you wants a fancy meal they would pay for it for both, not go in their own unless you didnt want to go.

Other expenses I would suggest it is fair to each pay for your own. For example if you might want a danseur car or phone and do pay for that yourself.

Another way is to pool all income and then pay for everything out of that pool. I prefer to be able to regulate my own outgoings so I can occasionally splurge on expensive things, DH prefers a more even spend so sharing joint in proportion of our income works for us.

However you do it it does not seem fair to me that one if you 'owes' the other for joint expenses that you cannot control

Just a thought, if you do earn less than him because you look after children, how is he paying for his half of that?

StellaHeyStella · 11/04/2018 18:06

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

So when he rocks up at the swanky restaurant on his own do your other friends ask 'Oh, where is Grumblebee tonight?'

'I left her at home with a ready meal as she already owes me €900 and can't afford it'

I am utterly baffled how this works between you op, it's shocking behaviour on his part.

LML83 · 11/04/2018 18:06

it would be very much 'can we afford to go?' in my house.

YANBU

TalkFastThinkSlow · 11/04/2018 18:06

My partner and I aren't married, and our finances are not joined, but there's no talk of "owing anyone". At the end of the day, we know if one of us is short, the other can help. Were fully transparent about earnings, debts and savings.

Also I don't have a car so fuck giving DP any money towards it. His car, his responsibility.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:10

I do agree more info is needed. How much do you both earn? Is it the same roughly?

Original poster
grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 18:10

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify I do earn as much as he does, we put a certain amount in common each month he likes to be able to spend without having to justify. I have a flat to pay for and obviously would never expecta him to pay for it. But with the house and other unexpected and one off expenses I have no money left and again would never ask him to pay for me. I'm upset he didn't offer to pay so we could go out together.

OP posts:
Jobbieshitkakaboudin · 11/04/2018 18:11

Please send your friends a message along these lines "Hi, so sorry I won't be able to come to the night out. Im completely skint at the moment and really can't afford it. I hope you have a lovely evening and I look forward to seeing you all soon! Give me a call if your free for coffee this week"

Then whatever crappy excuse your DH gives them for your absense will at least be recognised as an excuse.

There is no way he tells people the truth!

EveningHare · 11/04/2018 18:11

I have a flat to pay for ? er what?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 18:12

Why are you buying a flat by yourself, in addition to buying a house jointly with your partner? Hmm

blueskyinmarch · 11/04/2018 18:13

Why do you have a flat to pay for if you have bought a house together?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:14

Why do you have a flat to pay for? Do you not rent it out? I assume it's in your name. Why is this the one thing that's not shared in cost?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 18:15

"Just to clarify I do earn as much as he does, we put a certain amount in common each month he likes to be able to spend without having to justify".

Am sure he does but you still have to justify all your spending with him. So where is all this money going, how much is he spending compared to you?.

Is your flat you pay for in your sole name?

Jackiebrambles · 11/04/2018 18:15

If you have a flat, then surely it just makes sense for that to be a joint expense? It is for us, I had a flat when we met and moved in together so I rented it out. Now we are married everything is joint.

Jackiebrambles · 11/04/2018 18:16

Flat arrangements aside though, I really don’t think it’s at all normal to ‘owe’ your husband money. Really not normal!!

EllenRipley · 11/04/2018 18:16

What hell?!
Apart from being rightly miffed that your husband takes such a dim view of your 'debt' to him that he'd rather socialise with friends without you, are you quite sure this is an otherwise happy relationship? Fair? Supportive?

This is not a normal attitude to family finances and tbh it sounds a pretty miserable way to live. Whose idea was it?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 18:17

Attila are you reading a different thread, from having no outside work, to him having all the power -which is nuts when they earn the same-- to now she has Justify her spending to him? Where does she say that?

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