Am I being silly to be upset about this money issue, and what would you do?

[grumblebee1]

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

We recently bought a house, and with car repairs and other unexpected expenses since the beginning of the year I already owe my husband 900€. This is because I pay for half of everything, including half of both our car repairs even though his were much more, and I feel this is normal.

I cannot spend money I do not have, and feel I cannot go to the restaurant, already knowing I owe that amount, and knowing there are quite a few high costs coming up.
Might I also mention we very rarely go out as we have young children, and I have not bought anything for myself for nearly a year because since we have bought the house money is tight for me.

So I told my husband I cannot go because I cannot pay, and so he will go by himself.
I do not expect my husband to pay for anything for me, and he does not buy me gifts outside of Birthday/Xmas, and I do not expect him to…
Am I being silly to be upset thinking he should want to pay for my menu just to have me with him to enjoy the evening all together? Any advice is welcome!

We have separate finances. Works for us. But we are both high earners.

Personally I'd swallow my pride and let him pay.

Did he say he is going to go without you?

so if you split would the flat be automatically yours and then everything else split 50/50? if so then you are choosing to spend your "spending money" extra on the flat expenses whereas hes budgeting his?

I have a flat to pay for and obviously would never expecta him to pay for it

Why the fuck not? You get divorced he'll be going after it (assuming where you live has similar divorce laws).

Sounds fucking miserable OP. I can't imagine leaving my DH home, I'd GIVE him the money

Bluntness .. I often find myself agreeing with you on threads. Will you be my life coach?!
Seriously OP.. I think you are being very “ poor me” about all of this. Also can’t believe someone else said he was being financially abusive! It’s an agreement they have.... might not be one I’d choose but you can’t agree something and then sulk when you realise you don’t like the unintended consequences

Karma... did you mean to post on a different thread?!

I do wonder if people aren't reading the thread or there is a basic comprehension issue going on,

They earn the same.
They split everything fifity fifty,
Or should.
She's not being paying her share.
He's been paying her share too. To the tune of an extra 900.
The car is a family car. They pay half for each other's cars. Car bills are variable.
The flat is irrelevant as it is self funding.
She now wants him to also take her for an expensive meal.
He is saying no.

Fair enough in my view. The op is just terribly written to make you think he is a bad guy and she's lumbered with all these costs, when actually he has the same costs and same earnings. Ohh and some of her costs. Too.

Sorry read update - missed it with slow typing.

So your running costs are more than DH. Meh, so are mine, but we're not on a budget. You are. Think you're a little disingenuous

Unless there's a massive drip feed along the lines of you having enormous credit card debts to pay off because you bought dozens of luxury handbags, or you regularly gamble away thousands of pounds, it seems bizarre to owe money within a marriage. Surely it's all shared money?

I'd call the other couple and tell them that you won't be going as you can't afford it.

Mrs grindah ,, you wouldn't like that 🤣🤣🤣

This is a totally crazy set-up for a married couple. Unless you are very extravagant on personal luxury items for yourself and that is why you don't have any money. Just go and say you've left your purse at home. And then rethink the whole relationship.

Yanbu. I don't understand why your husband wouldn't pay for you. Is he happy to go without you? That's really odd.

Surely if you divorce he'll be entitled to half the flat anyway, regardless of who paid what, because in the eyes of the law won't it be a marital asset?

Who pays for the children's expenses- clothes, food, childcare etc?

Sigh,

Now I'm wondering about the outgoings. If you earn the same, childcare is 50:50 along with everything else, you have a flat that covers its costs, why do you owe him so much?

Why are your costs so much higher than his?

Isn't the flat is a marital asset which he'll get 50% of in a divorce?

Yes, of course it is.

I really hope the Pankhurst aren’t reading this from beyond the grave

Pankhursts

I think she's a little more than disingenuous. She's playing him.

She's saying she couldn't go because she owes him, not because she doesn't have the money, but she wants to go and wants him to pay for her. When he has the same costs coming up, the exact same bills and the exact same earnings, so she wants to go, she just doesn't want to pay for it.

I feel sorry for the poor bastard. If that was me, and my husband pulling this shit, I'd be the first one to tell my friends exactly why he wasn't there.

Unless of course another drip feed on it's way.

I have friends who have lived like this for 20 years.

When she was on mat leave he kept a tab of every penny she owed him.
He goes on holiday, she does not.

He wears decent clothes, she does not.

It is, without doubt, the most grimly miserable marriage I have ever seen and I've seen plenty!

Surely the DH doesn't pay towards the flat, because the OP doesn't want to share the equity in it and wants to keep it as an asset in her own name, to belong to her only. I'd presume she's ringfenced it in a pre-nup or had some similar agreement drawn up. In any case, it pays for itself, and so is therefore irrelevent (but absolutely suggests the OP wishes for more than a 50:50 share of assets in her favour - not the opposite!)

The OP and her DH split the costs of the family car, and of her own personal car - again the DH is paying more than his fair share of the costs.

OP has already overspent, and now owes her DH 900E despite them having the same disposable income.

I suspect that the DH is calling the bluff of his overspending wife who was expecting him to once again pay more than his fair share.

It's not the way I'd run our finances, but I can see the DH's point! His wife is presumably wealthier than him (due to owning a big asset - the flat- in her own name) and yet he keeps having to bail her out - not unreasonable for him to say No More! when she's already 900E in his debt.

If you've not bought yourself anything for a year then where is your money going OP?

yes that is true - if you earn more the flat is self sufficient what does your money go on if he has it and you dont

That makes things clearer. You both have the same income and pay 50/50 living costs but your h has an extra 90€ despite the expensive car repair and lending you 900€ . It sounds like you need to look into ways to decrease your costs so that you end up with as much disposable cash as your h. You can't have separate finances (and handouts when it suits you.)