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Original poster

Am I being silly to be upset about this money issue, and what would you do?

132 replies

grumblebee1 · 11/04/2018 17:44

My husband, and two couple of good friends have decided to have an evening out at a nice (90€ / menu) restaurant.

We recently bought a house, and with car repairs and other unexpected expenses since the beginning of the year I already owe my husband 900€. This is because I pay for half of everything, including half of both our car repairs even though his were much more, and I feel this is normal.

I cannot spend money I do not have, and feel I cannot go to the restaurant, already knowing I owe that amount, and knowing there are quite a few high costs coming up.
Might I also mention we very rarely go out as we have young children, and I have not bought anything for myself for nearly a year because since we have bought the house money is tight for me.

So I told my husband I cannot go because I cannot pay, and so he will go by himself.
I do not expect my husband to pay for anything for me, and he does not buy me gifts outside of Birthday/Xmas, and I do not expect him to…
Am I being silly to be upset thinking he should want to pay for my menu just to have me with him to enjoy the evening all together? Any advice is welcome!

OP posts:
irregularegular · 11/04/2018 19:31

I'm also losing sympathy with the op. Think of it another way. They have a household budget plus equal amounts of personal spending money left over. But op has overspent on her personal spending money by 900 and DH has been forced to underspend to balance the budget). It's the household budget she owes 900 pounds to, not the budget. It is a bit odd, but I can imagine getting to the point where you think, why should I be forced not to go out for a nice dinner which I have budgeted for just because my DP can't stop spending.

That's assuming they do have equal income, basic expenses and therefore spending money. But that's what she has said.

irregularegular · 11/04/2018 19:32

Sorry, I meant to say that it is really the household budget she owes the 900 to, not her DH. Not good at typing on the phone.

frenchknitting · 11/04/2018 19:35

I used to have this arrangement. We would occasionally buy each other dinner, but we would also occasionally be adding up 2.40 for coffee that we owed each other. It obviously seems odd to a lot of people, but it just worked with our sense of "fair".

So on one hand I think you are being unfair to expect him to fork out just because you are less good at managing your money.

On the other hand, DH and I completely changed our finance arrangements before TTC, as I didn't think it was possible to work like that with kids in the mix. You say you have two kids, and I wonder how that works and whether you fritter money on soft play, blind bags and peppa pig magazines (projecting), while he has £90 to spend on dinner.

Cambionome · 11/04/2018 19:46

Bluntness - you are totally projecting on here. Who says he manages his money better than she does??? You have just plucked that out of thin air. Confused

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2018 19:56

You both earn X

You both pay for strictly 50% of living expenses.

You should both have the same amount left over to spend on leisure.

[Flat is totally irrelevant UNLESS the €900 you owe relates to it. And as PPs have said, in a divorce it’s a joint asset anyway so maybe consider that?]

Why is your budget more stretched by the new house than his?

timeisnotaline · 11/04/2018 20:42

Umm no cambionome bluntness is drawing obvious inferences from adding it up. They both start with the same amount. They split everything 50:50 according to the op (flat self sustaining so irrelevant) , but the op couldn’t at some point afford her 50% so her dh had to pay it. For this to happen she (he, whatever) had to have spent it on something else.

Joysmum · 11/04/2018 21:03

I agree with Bluntness

My set up is that we have equal disposable income too.

I have properties which firm part of my income. I have had to find money for repairs etc because we don’t share that income so don’t share those costs.

Why should I expect my DH to subsidise my costs if I had an inability to save for unexpected bills.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 21:14

For this to happen she (he, whatever) had to have spent it on something else

Exactly. And she's not told us what. And she's not come back.

I've not plucked it out of thin air, read the thread, she's clearly stated they pay all bills equally, the flat is self funding, they earn equal money. As such. If she is unable to afford her 50 percent of the household bills and he's having to pay a much higher share, then what is she spending her money on? They have equal incomes remember.

And he's got even less disposable income than her as he's paying well over 50 of their shared expenses on the same salary as her. To the tune of 900euros so far. Yet she still wants him to buy her an expensive dinner on top of all that.

So what's she spending her money on? Right now the obvious inference is personal spending.

Cambionome · 11/04/2018 21:20

You don't know that.

Although the op says that the flat is self-funding, she also says that there are occasional additional costs. I am going to follow your lead and make an assumption, saying that the expenses of the flat may have pushed up her spending recently. Although she says that the flat is hers, in fact - because they are married - it's a joint asset, therefore should be a shared expense imo.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 21:21

Sure. Whatever.

LiteraryDevil · 11/04/2018 21:22

Bluntless she claims she hasn't spent anything on herself for about a year Hmm so I'd love to know where her money has gone too! Looks like she's not going to tell us though.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 21:25

What does the fact that you think the flat should be a shared expense have to do with anything, Cambionme? Confused
You don't seem to have understood read the op's posts.

needyourlovingtouch · 11/04/2018 21:27

If you go halves on everything and you are in debt but he is not that must mean than he earns more than you. This isn't fair. Why not do it so that you pay a percentage of income.

Appuskidu · 11/04/2018 21:29

If you earn the same and pay out the same, why do you owe him £900?

Minniemagoo · 11/04/2018 21:33

Are you married or just using the Dh tag because its easier? I ask because it does seem very seperate lives. 'Your' flat is yiur expense but why is it yours and not both of you . Surely in a marriage all assets should be shared. I get the impression (sorry if I'm wrong) that you both plan for life without each other either in the future (flat being yours for investment) and now (he has money for new clothes/meals but yiu do not)
I think someone earlier described it as joyless and it does seem that way.

Cambionome · 11/04/2018 21:36

Thank you greyhound - I have understood the posts.

If something is a joint asset it should be paid for jointly.

LiteraryDevil · 11/04/2018 21:36

Looks like OP has bolted or else her DH has stumped up the cash and they are both out at dinner.

Cambionome · 11/04/2018 21:38

The flat not being paid for jointly is costing the op and not her dh, even though it's a marital asset.

Is that clear enough?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 11/04/2018 21:40

The flat is not the cause of the disparity in disposable income.

80sMum · 11/04/2018 21:44

My goodness! Whatever happened to the marriage vows?! When DH and I got married, one of the vows we made to each other was "with all my worldly goods I thee endow", i.e. everything I have I give to you.

What a bizarre and, may I say, miserable arrangement you seem to have, OP! It's completely unfathomable to me that your husband (your HUSBAND!! I can't get my head around this) is quite happily prepared to leave you at home and have a night out without you purely because you are a bit low on funds!

That is utterly weird to me! It's as if you are merely housemates, sharing a house for convenience as a business arrangement, not husband and wife!

Cambionome · 11/04/2018 21:49

How do you know that, greyhound?

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 21:51

That is utterly weird to me!

Really? Cos I'd leave her at home too. I find the opposite weird, that you know your spouse has the same gross and disposable income as you, yet you don't pay your fair share of the bills and contually expect them to pay them. I certainly wouldn't be taking my husband out for a meal if he was doing that repeatedly to me, whilst he was off spending his money on god knows what.

She should be offering to take him by way of thank you. Because he keeps bailing them out and he has the same expenses coming up.

mickeymacca · 11/04/2018 22:02

Absolutely bonkers arrangement. That's not marriage.

GoodStuffToFind · 11/04/2018 22:13

OP the flat you pay for that he won't contribute to- you do realise as you're married he owns half of this and will take it with him of you ever separate?

I actually can't believe this is real.

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2018 22:20

Good stuff, yes I'm not sure either to be honest.