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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 06/04/2018 20:46

You send her a letter yourself.
But probably not a good idea if you still want to be with him.
How do you know she knew he was in a relationship?

ZenNudist · 06/04/2018 20:47

"Practically married" Hmm . But not actually married. She probably thinks shes done nothing wrong.

On the other hand staying with your cheating partner is unfortunately a bit sad and pathetic. Understandable but not showing self respect. Dont get angry at her. Get angry at him.

Oh and all that other stuff about uni work and anxiety meds: newsflash, all his fault. Get rid.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 20:47

You're doing the classic, and very understandable, thing of blaming the OW entirely. Of course; if you hold your partner at least equally responsible, it'll make it that much harder to make your relationship work. But the fact is, he is as much to blame as she is, more so really since he made a commitment to you and she didn't. If you want to fix your relationship, you cannot make it reliant on how she feels or how her life is going at any given time.

The more you interact with her to try to force guilt, the less guilt she'll feel. She'll probably take it as justification for the affair and look down on you.

Your partner SHOULD be living with the fallout, it's his responsibility and his family. As others have said, he also knew he had a partner and kids!

Put her out of your mind. Make her irrelevant. Make your decision about your relationship, and any work you do on it, dependent on your partner.

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/04/2018 20:47

Oh, just saw your most recent post.

I'm not going to give you a hard time for aiming vitriol at her. You're hurt. And angry. Emotions all over the place so I wouldn't expect you to think "Oh well, she didn't make vows to me, blah blah" even if your head is telling you that. I wouldn't feel terribly reasonable in your position either.

Staying with him is entirely your choice. Be careful and look after yourself. Is there a chance that you are directing all this anger at her because you can't deal with the fact he did this to you yet? It's ok to be angry at him. What he has done is despicable. Focusing on her (if that's what you're doing) doesn't lessen what he's done. Forget her (yes, I know, no mean feat but I hope you know what I mean) and focus on you (and him if you're trying to work it out).

DancingLedge · 06/04/2018 20:48

Write your letter of blame, disgust and hatred.
THEN BURN IT.

Repeat this as many times as it takes you to feel some release from your feelings.
They're your feelings.
Ultimately only you can set yourself free from them.

MammaTJ · 06/04/2018 20:48

You need to at least admit to anger towards him, or you will forever carry resentment and it will never work.

She is not the one in a relationship with you, she has not got any obligation to you at all.

KendalMintCakey · 06/04/2018 20:49

Really DON'T. Find some self-respect and leave. Or better still make him leave. Who cares what he has humped or her morals? You're better off without him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2018 20:49

OP, I'm sorry for your pain but please, take some time to think about this. You want to blame the OW for being behind in uni, 'failing as a person', taking more medication, etc. - and put all that in a letter.

Could your humiliation be any more complete given that you're still with that cheating loser and determined to 'make a go of it'? OW will laugh in your face (metaphorically) or just pity you (which would be so much worse). Your partner though is doing that to you in reality.

I really hope that you have your finances secure and in place for if when you do break up, assuming that your children are also his? He's not a 'practically married man', he's not a married man at all and I think you're about to discover that to your cost (and regret).

Again, sorry. This isn't what you want to hear but you're setting yourself up for a world more pain by sticking with this man who has absolutely no loyalty to you.

KendalMintCakey · 06/04/2018 20:51

Also, a warning that letter would be harassment and it's a very easy offence to be found guilty of. It would also make you look mentally unpinged. If your life isn't working out. YOU can change it. Ask your Uni for compassionate extension. Having a lousy bloke will only be fueling your anxiety.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 06/04/2018 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caran07 · 06/04/2018 20:51

I don't think it's equal blame. He's the only one who had any sort of obligation to you.

I get why you're upset with her, and I wondered about the OW in my previous marriage. Did she knowingly sleep with a married man? But the thing is, it doesn't matter. If it wasn't her, my ex could have found someone else. And if she did know and didn't care, a letter sure isn't going to change her morals.

You also don't know what your partner told her. He could have been telling her all sorts of nonsense about your relationship and you as an individual, said it was over, you're splitting up, etc. He could have told her you cheated on him, as my ex did!

The best way forward is to focus on yourself, as difficult as that may be.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 20:51

And yes she is to blame, she openly entered into a relationship with a man that had a partner and 2 kids. She's just as bad as him!!

Well maybe, but she isn't in your sphere. You have a right to end your relationship, or make your partner work to show you his commitment if he wants you to stay. You have no rights over her. With your husband, you would presumably be looking for reconciliation, with her it's just revenge. And you know what they say what you should do before seeking revenge.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 20:52

Write your letter of blame, disgust and hatred.
THEN BURN IT.

YES!!

JustHereForThePooStories · 06/04/2018 20:53

Sorry your boyfriend cheated on you.

Sending this woman harassing letters isn’t going to take away the fact that he willingly had sex with her, despite having a girlfriend and two kids.

Have some dignity, and dump the boyfriend. He is the one who is 100% to blame here. Nobody else.

Josuk · 06/04/2018 20:54

OP - she is not as bad as he.
Not by a long shot.
She didn’t promise you anything.
And - anyway - you don’t know what he told her about the status of his relationship. As he is not legally married - he may have just mentioned that to start with.
Or said - it’s all falling apart.

But point is - shouting at her - or ‘having it out with her’ - whatever you mean by that - would not have given you closure.
Would have only made you more frustrated and given you no reprieve.
Nothing would, unfortunately.

It’s a terrible place to be.

MadMags · 06/04/2018 20:55

She knew he had a partner and kids so knew exactly what she was at.

Well so did he, while he was shagging her.

I actually pity her and her sad pathetic life

I know you’re hurting and being cheated on is the pits but I feel genuinely sad for you, not her.

If you still feel this badly about it, what exactly are you getting out of staying with him?

SmileyBird · 06/04/2018 20:55

You will look daft if you do this. She will think it proves that you are crazy and he was right to have the affair.

PerfectlyDone · 06/04/2018 20:56

What is your partner doing to actively work on your relationship, to earn your trust again, to make up for his actions?? Is he agonising over whether to send a letter to OW?

Thought not.... Hmm

I repeat what I said upthread, if it had not been her, it'd have been somebody else.
Save your wrath for a more deserving target - him.

19lottie82 · 06/04/2018 20:56

It will make you look bonkers and she’ll show it to her friends and laugh about you

This....... ^

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/04/2018 20:57

Actually person most at fault is your dp.but your gunning for her,not him
Save your ire don’t berate the ow, she’s not going to apologise or wear a Scarlet letter

KendalMintCakey · 06/04/2018 20:58

The fact he isn't married to you nor engaged shows his level of commitment. Pack his stuff in cheap bin liners and chuck it out on the lawn. Change the locks and get advice on your kids. I take it your in NI?

SarBear34 · 06/04/2018 20:59

It will make you look bonkers and she’ll show it to her friends and laugh about you

I agree, she would think no wonder he cheated when his partner is bat shit.

It will not humiliate her, you will not get a sorry. You say your not angry and you pity her but it’s very clear your angry.

I actually pity you more here then her.

ratspeaker · 06/04/2018 21:00

Sue him.
He's the one who lied and cheated on you.
Probably lied to her too.
You have no idea what he told her, what lines he fed her.

Fozzleyplum · 06/04/2018 21:00

No competent solicitor would agree to send such a letter, as no legal issue has arisen.

seethesunaftersnow · 06/04/2018 21:01

It doesn't even sound like you want to be with your so called partner. Is it only so you can say or think you've "won" in this stupid battle for a cheater?
Wake up your anger should be directed at him, she owes you nothing! You can't "forgive" him and not her!

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