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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:

TalkFastThinkSlow · 06/04/2018 20:35

Have some self respect, this is not her fault. If there is someone you should be mad at, it's your partner

Dozer · 06/04/2018 20:35

Hang onto some dignity. She was/is not the problem.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks or feels.

LellyMcKelly · 06/04/2018 20:35

She owes you nothing. She doesn’t know you. She has no reason to care about you. Your partner is the one who cheated on you. He wasn’t forced at gunpoint to cheat on you. He did it because he wanted to. You can direct your disgust and pity at her as much as you like. She won’t care. If you really want to make it work with your partner you need to focus on the future and not the past.

OakIsBetterTho · 06/04/2018 20:36

Try redirecting your disgust and anger at your sad and pathetic partner who was incapable of keeping his pants on? I understand it's easier to blame her because your partner is meant to love you and respect you and he clearly doesn't and that's fucking hard to face up to. You're casting around to place that blame elsewhere, but that won't help you. She owed and continues to owe you nothing (although I agree she's behaved badly£

fuzzywuzzy · 06/04/2018 20:36

I think you need to let it go. Either she feels bad for her actions already or she doesn’t care and if she doesn’t your letter will do nothing to make her feel bad. It will underline to her that you’re crazy and she’ll feel sorry for your partner who’s saddled with you and unable to leave because of the children (that’s the line cheaters usually spin).

Thankfully she’s too far from you to face her and have it out. Your end up in police cell, you don’t need that.

CoffeAndCream · 06/04/2018 20:36

You are directing your anger at the wrong person!!! Your issue is your DP not the OW. My exdh cheated on me after 16 years of marriage, I was angry with ow but it was exdh who cheated not her. Getting backat the ow willnot help.

Original poster

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:36

I know what he is and I'm not shagging him, I've lost my appetite for sex lately!!

And yes she is to blame, she openly entered into a relationship with a man that had a partner and 2 kids. She's just as bad as him!! He is a lying cheater c**t but so is she. She certainly has no bloody self respect for herself and yes I know I don't either because I haven't kicked him out!! But it's my decision to decide to remain with him and at present it's only for a trial period as it may not work and I may not forgive him!!

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 06/04/2018 20:37

Wow, all that vitriol at the woman, and you're making it work with your cheating arsehole of a partner?

Amazing, the cognitive dissonance is palpable.

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/04/2018 20:37

There's no point - her morals aren't a legal matter so even if a solicitor would send such a letter it won't benefit you in any way but you'd be charged for the pleasure.

I'm sorry you are suffering through no fault of your own. Unfortunately life and people just suck and there's no legal recourse.

Get your own 'revenge' by making a success of yourself. Leave the faithless sod, speak to someone at Uni and repeat what you have to to get your life back on track. Keep seeing your doctor to manage the anxiety. Get RL support.

You can do this. You can come out stronger, look back and mentally stick two fingers up at that pair. It is a very good feeling when you get to a stage that you get your self-worth from you and your accomplishments and not other people. Let the aul' buggers go.

carben · 06/04/2018 20:37

You are mis-directing your anger. He lied and cheated. You can question her morals but she owed you no loyalty unlike your 'partner'.

OakIsBetterTho · 06/04/2018 20:38

She had no respect for you but you can't possibly know what respect she has for herself. She certainly isn't as bad as your partner, stop lying to yourself.

tenterden · 06/04/2018 20:38

don't know how to redirect my disgust and anger for her

How about you redirect it at the person responsible - your "D" P who couldn't keep his dick in his trousers and has got clean away with it?

I understand you are hurting but the longer you make pathetic apologies for him, the longer you are dragging out the agony. And yes, she probably does pity you far more than you could ever pity her. You are still stuck with this loser, your self esteem evidently in tatters, unable to study, under increased medication.......

You say he has had to live with the fallout of everything - in what way? Does he have to be more careful next time?

Frith1975 · 06/04/2018 20:39

Ditch your partner and spend the money you’d need for a solicitor’s letter on something for yourself.

No decent solicitor would write one, it would be completely unenforceable and you’d look like a complete tit. Especially if she showed it around or to the papers.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 20:39

I don’t think she's without blame but come on, how could you logically bring a legal case against her and not him?

They are equally to blame. Presumably she didn’t drug him or tie him up?

Bixx · 06/04/2018 20:41

Yes, what she did was bad but what your partner did was worse. He cheated on you knowing full well how devesated you would feel when you found out. He knew you would be distraught and that your work would suffer. And he did it anyway. Because he wanted to.

She may feel she has acted wrongly. She may not. You cannot know either way and obsessing over her will not help you. Please don’t send any letters. She’ll laugh at you.

category12 · 06/04/2018 20:41

Hmm, and if she laughed in your face and didn't give a shit, what closure would that be? You can't make her feel the emotions you want her to feel.

Concentrate on what you want to do in your relationship now.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 20:42

I just want her to feel humiliated and disgusted by her actions.

I promise you, this letter will not have that effect. And if a solicitor does accept the task of writing it, change solicitors.

If she felt guilty about the affair, she'll feel it whether or not you send the letter. More likely, if she even reads it she'll think 'Yeah, no wonder he cheated, none of this is my responsibility'.

If you're going to try to make your relationship work, it has to rely on itself, not on the OW being miserable and riddled with guilt. She must become utterly irrelevant.

Ryder63 · 06/04/2018 20:42

He has had to live with the fallout of everything.
So he should! he's the one who cheated.

She knew he had a partner and kids
So did he.....

theeyeofthestormchaser · 06/04/2018 20:43

He has had to live with the fallout of everything. She knew he had a partner and kids so knew exactly what she was at.

Um. He has to live with the fallout because he fucked someone else. You’re angry with the wrong person here.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2018 20:44

I doubt it. Unless she has harassed you by text or phone or in any other way. But you can't sue her for compensation for having an affair with your partner. And he's not even your husband. Honestly, let this go. And sort yourself out by counselling if necessary.

PerfectlyDone · 06/04/2018 20:45

I have very sympathy with how you are feeling as I am in a similar situation, so I understand where you are coming from.

BUT - you need to work on understanding that if your partner had not had an affair with her, he'd've likely found somebody else. HE is the problem here, not she (maybe she does need her head examining for entering in to a relationship with a partnered up man, but if she was single at the time her actions are less morally reprehensible than his).

A letter will achieve nothing and even if sent will not make her feel bad, I don't think.

colditz · 06/04/2018 20:45

Hi,

And yes I am being genuine!!

No, you can't. She owes you nothing. She never made you a promise and she has not broken the law or cost you any money.

Sorry you have been hurt, but your partner hurt you. Your uni work, anxiety, 'failing as a person' etc are ultimately due to an emotional response you had. Not a direct action of someone else.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/04/2018 20:46

OP you say you don't feel angry towards the OW but that's not how it's coming across.

As others have said, she hasn't cheated on you, she doesn't owe you any loyalty, your dp does. You say she's culpable because she chose to enter into a relationship with someone who was cohabiting. But your do was the one who chose to ignore the fact that he was in a relationship.

I'm sorry that you're having a dreadful time, but the cause of your anguish is in front of you, not 200 miles away.

goodbyestranger · 06/04/2018 20:46

No legal cause for financial compensation even if it was adultery Walkaboutwendy and it would be ridiculous to ask a solicitor to write a letter asking for an apology.

Move on OP, this partner is history.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2018 20:46

She owed you nothing. She made no commitments and promises to you. Your DP on the other hand had made commitments and promises. She couldn't have done anything with him if he hadn't agreed to it.

Are you giving so much power to her to deflect from the depth of the betrayal by your DP?

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