Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

[Bub3017]

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

I’m not uncomfortable in the slightest.
Why would I be?

I accept that others have different experiences, opinions and every situation is different. I’m happy with my life and choices but don’t feel the need to bang on about it.

Your assumptions and misconceptions about me and the relentless insistence that you’re right and I’m wrong just comes across like you’re desperately trying to convince yourselves tbh.

Gertie with respect, you mentioned the affair and you mentioned that you'd forgiven him but that you had 'seen off' the OW. You didn't need to mention any of that, but you did. Your circumstances aren't 'special', they're as generic as 'the script'.

You've posted a lot on this thread and given your views, others are doing the same and just as we don't know your 'specifics', you don't know anybody else's either and anybody can advise here regardless; you don't need to read if you don't want to.

Where have I said I have ‘forgiven’ my DH and ‘seen off’ the OW?

That information probably came from one of the monologues of assumptions about me.

GertieMotherwell Tue 10-Apr-18 17:24:24
I also have no idea why posters can’t accept that others have different emotions to them and that they have the right to tell others their emotions are wrong.

Personally, I wasn’t prepared to let the OW walk all over me. Hopefully, she will think twice about doing this again.

I definitely read this as you blaming the OW for your husband's infidelity and doing something to attempt to intimidate her. What else could it mean?

My Ex cheated, multiple times. It took too many of them before I wised up. I believed they were all predatory OW out to 'steal my man'.

I blame my Ex totally yet the first OW was particularity nasty to me and conniving whereas another had no idea about me and was very upset about it. In my view we can have no idea about the truth of our partner's relationships with the OWs.

Later after I'd finally seen sense and got away I found out FIRST OW used to be casually with him - he dumped her for me and we were suddenly in a seriously committed relationship. I had no idea of her existence and I don't think he even properly broke up with her.

Years later, F OW still has it in for me. Ex has a new younger version of me and F OW still wants my Ex.

F OW is unhinged. She blames me for destroying her life. Another of my Ex's previous girlfriends committed suicide. He is blamed for this.

I 'now' blame my Ex totally. At the time I blamed the OW. I never knew what to believe. I was fooled for so many years.

There was also this:

GertieMotherwell Tue 10-Apr-18 17:43:44
Maybe, if more people reacted like the OP and I, less women would be in this situation.

Not reacting is letting them think it’s ok, and it’s not.

And:

Perhaps, if they were made aware of the impact of their actions or the heartache they’ve contributed to, they would think twice.

Sounds to me as if you wrote just such a letter. I really, really doubt the OW came to you on her knees begging forgiveness as a result, simply because if she had, I'm sure you'd be telling us.

It sounds to me as though you wrote the letter, fuck all happened as a result, and to this day you misdirect your ire at her in order to stay married. That's all your choice, but I don't see the need for such secrecy. You could simply say you wrote the letter, nothing happened but it made you feel better.

I could be totally wrong, of course, but all I've got is what you've said.

I don’t blame the OW.
My DH never blamed the OW.
She certainly didn’t need ‘seeing off’ as she was history.

No letter

I could be totally wrong, of course
Yep.

I struggle to see how you can accuse her of trying to 'walk all over' you, and wax lyrical about the 'impact of her actions' and what she 'contributed to'....and claim you don't blame her.

But you haven't been making a great deal of sense throughout. Still, you're happy.

Also, if she was history, and didn't need seeing off, what's this about 'Maybe, if more people reacted like the OP and I, less women would be in this situation...Not reacting is letting them think it’s ok, and it’s not'?

I'm going with the 'wrote a letter, nothing happened but it allowed the required misdirection of blame'. I don't see the need to be cryptic about something so predictable.

I’ve made perfect sense.
Confusion has arisen because posters decided to just make stuff up when I refused to justify myself.

Sadly, many posters refuse to accept that it’s possible to get through this and have a happy marriage. I am happy. Many posters on this thread don’t seem happy and yet they’re the ones who claim to have moved on and ‘let it go’.

This is all reminding me a bit of the iPM podcasts on R4 where they interviewed a couple about the DH's long term affair.

Whilst I had sympathy for the wife, she should have just walked away. I ended up feeling sorry for the husband - the one who cheated - because his wife seemed to be so focussed on her status and refusal to admit the marriage had failed. Neither of them were happy, but they continued with a marriage they both acknowledged was awful, hard work, and left them both feeling alone.

I’m sorry your thread has been derailed Bub3017
Unfortunately, that often happens when someone dares to stand-up against the majority. Sadly, the outcome of many marriages after infidelity is similar to most of the posters here. But not all, and I wanted you to know that

Take time, let your emotions be what they are, and don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.

It's what happens when someone makes several posts that are completely self contradictory, make absolutely no sense and hint they've got the secret for saving betrayed marriages yet for some reason will not disclose it. It's really nothing to do with having a minority viewpoint.

A relationship is only as strong as the people in it.

If your DP didn't want to cheat, no amount of chasing from her would have made it happen. She is responsible for her actions only, not for his. He's responsible for his actions AND for the impact of his actions on HIS relationship with you. Calculate that and you have a situation where he holds considerably more blame than she does.

The 'sisterhood' can only work if women aren't held accountable for the majority of the damage done to a relationship they are not even part of. We live in a misogynistic society where women are hung out to dry, and the man gets a second chance to "make the relationship work".

Open your eyes OP. He has cheated on you. Your giving him a second chance has created a situation where your anger is funnelled towards one person who you can put the blame on, thus absolving your DP of responsibility and making him, in your eyes, forgivable. I bet he can't believe his luck.

gertie - you said that you'd warned off the OW. She would 'think twice' about doing it (presumably sleeping with your DP anyone again). You also said you have a happy strong marriage now, and you've got through it.

That's great. BUT - you still had to warn off the OW. Ergo, you do blame her.

But - it's not her fault! She bears no 'blame' for your DP cheating. HE does.

So you've forgiven him. Yes maybe you haven't actually said 'I forgave him' on this thread, but it's a reasonable assumption from your own posts, as you have found the secret to moving on (which involves HUGE forgiveness on the part of the wronged spouse. A 'happy marriage' cannot ensue otherwise)
And if you've forgiven him because SHE bears all the blame, you are deluded. And living with a cheater who may well do it again.

You (and I ) hope he won't. But what about him? Because 'hoping' he won't cheat is different to knowing your DP is a good man, true to you only.

I don't understand why Gertie's posting. She claims that she wants to reassure the OP that her relationship can survive infidelity because her own (Gertie's) did. She even claims to know why her marriage survived it when most don't. And yet she's resolutely not saying how.

She's quite right that she doesn't owe anyone her life story. But I don't understand why you'd come on to a thread about infidelity, say, "You can survive it if you do what I did" and then not, well, say what you did.

At any rate, despite all the self-contradiction and mystery, it is clear that Gertie contacted the OW in some way, and that she holds her responsible. So I guess that's Gertie's secret...save your marriage by deflecting your anger and hurt on the person who's not responsible for it. Gertie says it works.

Gertie, you're not making any sense, I'm sorry, your posts about reacting like the op, not letting the ow walk all over you, making her think twice etc, clearly make it seem you blamed her and did something, you must know that. You then say you didn't do anything and didn't react like the op blaming her. That's why no one can understand what you're on about.

You then say you want to support the op, that marriage can survive, but you refuse to tell her how. You say you're circumstances were very different, but again, they do seem from what you've posted very similar. Again you must see that.

I also don't know why you're posting, it may make perfect sense to you, because you have more information, but to thr rest of us it's just a bit bewildering. It reads like your husband shagged someone else, you forgave him, did the pick me dance, blamed her, and don't want to admit it, just explain how outrageously happy you are.

I don't know why either. She says it's to support the OP, but just agreeing that the OW is to blame and the poor DP couldn't help it, is NOT supporting her!

By agreeing that OP should 'warn off' the OW to make sure she 'thinks twice' Gertie is supporting OP in an action which at Best would make her a laughing stock, and at worst, do something illegal.
Most other posters have made this point. Gertie refuses to believe it.

By agreeing that OP should write to OW or generally tell the 'Catholic' town about her infidelities, whilst OP is herself 'living in sin' with her DP and children - she is setting her up to even more pain and humiliation.

I hope OP can see that.

I don’t blame the OW.
My DH never blamed the OW.
She certainly didn’t need ‘seeing off’ as she was history. But you DID see her off!???

• so how did you 'make her think twice'?
  How did you stop her 'walking all over you'? If She's 'history' how did you make her think twice, but didn't 'see her off'?

But you obviously did something to her before she was history? (And you say it's not illegal so I'm hoping OW is not under the Patio?)

Maybe you are one of those women who 'warn off' all other women in the town, which your Dp might come into contact with? Maybe like a pre-emptive warning? 'Touch my DP and you will be history'?

I'm joking...I think.

It might be a clumsy analogy, but you can try thinking of it as a job instead of a marriage.

Let's say I meet a man in a bar, and we hit it off. I know he's got to be in work at 5am the next morning and I also know that if I go home with him, he'll never get there on time. The most moral thing I could do would be not to get involved, of course. But if I do, and he decides to prioritise a night with me over his 5am work start, that is hardly my fault or my responsibility. What would you think if his boss contacted ME about it?

I reckon the OW is laughing at you OP, for taking your sorry shit of a cheating lying husband back. I bet she is laughing at you and telling everyone in her catholic village or wherever about what a complete idiot sucker you are, for falling for his lies about how he wants to make amends.

That would make me mad enough to send her a rude letter, oh yes indeedy! How dare she laugh at you!

I would have had a whole lot more sympathy OP if you hadn't threatened to make things "incredibly difficult for him with work and the kids" So, is he with you because he wants to try and salvage your relationship or is he with you because you are using the children to keep him in line? And yes, OF COURSE he wasn't thinking of the kids when he cheated. He's no prize, for sure.

I do always wonder though what the OW has been told by the cheating husband/partner because having been shown to be a liar and a disrespectful prick, pretty sure his version of 'events' is going to be created to try and share the blame as much as possible.

He's a cheater OP. If it wasn't that OW, it would have been someone else. Focus on that. The OW is probably very glad he's been found out as I'm sure she now realises what a loser your husband is. Anything you send her will only reinforce the fact that she dodged a bullet here.