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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2018 22:05

Nothing wrong with Lipstick's post; I agree with it too. I'd also say that whilst Plagiarism's husband doesn't sound very nice, he's not posting here - his wife is and she, having read the OP's upset, thought she would post her husband's (private) response to his wife, of 'laughing his head off'. Makes Plagiarism a bit lacking in awareness herself.

There are altogether too many "My DH says..." posts and the only thing to do really is mock them in the hope that they dry up.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/04/2018 22:06

Damson,I’m not disputing that a solicitor will not see the merit or rationale in a fraught letter
I am picking up on the my solicitor dp said...
I see this on mn,the my dp said posts And yes it grates as if we all need to listen as man has spoken
And why when the dp has said posts are written they qualify it with his job. Getting a vicarious status from their dp job

BrandNewHouse · 06/04/2018 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadMags · 06/04/2018 22:15

@beaut, I remember OP now. 🙄🙄🙄

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/04/2018 22:19

I know you what you're saying but in this case the job is relevant. A solicitor wouldn't take this seriously so, although a little insensitive, I get that poster's point. I didn't read anything more into it.

Ginger1982 · 06/04/2018 22:23

I'm a solicitor and I wouldn't take your instructions on this.

You need to have a bit more self respect and dignity.

KendalMintCakey · 06/04/2018 22:24

Ginger1982 could I ask your advice?

waxedlyrical · 06/04/2018 22:25

Your anger is misdirected.

As previous pp have said. Maybe she isn't sorry. Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she's having the last laugh because she isn't the one still with the cheating loser.

Don't send the letter, dump the guy and work on yourself. That's the best revenge.

Ginger1982 · 06/04/2018 22:25

Yes Kendal, feel free to ask here or pm and I'll do my best to help.

Ariela · 06/04/2018 22:30

I'd save your energies for your Uni studies.
You could write and ask for an extension.

ThinkingOfCeline · 06/04/2018 22:31

If she doesn't already feel disgusted at herself your solicitors letter won't make a difference.

Stop focusing on her. Focus on the partner (who, you know, actually owed you honesty and respect) who cheated and yourself

DumbleDee · 06/04/2018 22:33

You sound angry and bitter and rightly so. But it's aimed at the wrong person.

You need to get over it or leave him. Sounds like you're torturing yourself

minimalpatience · 06/04/2018 23:02

Unlikely. Even if you find a solicitor prepared to send a letter, at best it will be ignored. At worst she may use it against you and say you're harassing her.

pallisers · 06/04/2018 23:17

I sympathise with OP but, tbf, if she took that to any solicitor's office, sadly, it's quite likely that would be the response (once she'd left of course).

I worked as a solicitor in a small practice that might have got this kind of query. It is certainly a query where I'd have come out afterwards and said "you won't believe what that client wanted me to do" but none of us would have laughed - even after she left. What is funny about a woman being so devastated by her partner's betrayal that she asks a slightly irrational question? If your husband really did laugh his head off at this, you might want to consider what that says about him. If you just exaggerated and what actually happened is he said "can't be done" then fair enough.

By the way there used to be possible actions for criminal conversation and alienation of affection back in the day - think it was pretty much limited to men suing other men for having sex with their wives. But the OP's feelings aren't that bizarre - they were enshrined in law for a good while.

OP, I wish you well. I think quite soon you will find your anger is pointed in a better direction.

SmileyBird · 06/04/2018 23:30

Loads of friends tell me about their affairs. I think I must come across as non judgemental.

N3wTrouserz · 07/04/2018 07:25

If you sent a letter there is no guarantee that it would he read. I agree spend your time and energy looking at yourself and your partner

Angelf1sh · 07/04/2018 07:33

I’ve only read the first page:

  1. no solicitor should take your money to write this letter, it would be very wrong as you have no legal basis for seeking money from her.

  2. she won’t be humiliated to receive it, she obviously didn’t care he was in a relationship then so why would she care now? She’ll laugh at you.

  3. she might take the letter to the police as evidence of you harassing her and then you’ll be in trouble.

  4. have some self-respect. Your partner will do this again.

Evie0865 · 07/04/2018 07:38

Honestly?

Reading previous posts it sounds like you guys are not really dealing with the deeper issues. You have such a controlling stance over him. That shouldn’t be necessary if he was legitimately “all in” and wanted to reconcile.

You guys need seriously therapy, or just split. You need individual counselling regardless

Elstelle · 07/04/2018 07:48

Surely this isn't real? No one is this unhinged. If the OP has already contacted and scared the other woman, she's going to get done for harassment with any further contact.

Guavaf1sh · 07/04/2018 07:49

Why are you still together? You can get no happiness by staying together and neither I expect will he. As others have said don’t write the letter neither it will only cause problems and make you appear, in mumsnet parlance, unhinged

Noregrets25 · 07/04/2018 08:02

I’m really sorry this happened to you, it’s heart breaking. But your partner also knew his situation, he also knew he was practically married etc etc so if anything he is more to blame then someone who doesn’t know you. Having said that, I understand 100% why you feel so much bad feeling towards this woman, she’s a terrible person for doing what she did. But you don’t need to send her a letter or go and see her or anything because she will get hers, karma, life will teach her a lesson at some point. You can’t go around behaving how you like without a backlash at some point. Put your time, emotion and energy into you and your partners life.

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 08:10

Sounds like your DP is scared OF you, not scared of hurting you.

Snog · 07/04/2018 08:26

Why not talk this through with your counsellor before taking action.

SVRT19674 · 07/04/2018 08:49

I'm very sorry this has happened to you but as others have said your anger is totally misplaced and he should be made to feel it. Sadly, I have the impression he has got away with it and he will be more careful next time. You don't know what lies he has been spinning to her about your relationship... No sex in years, practically separated, separate lives, you cheated on him first, the usual cheaters script.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/04/2018 08:49

He’s to blame. Not her. He’s the one in a committed relationship with you. Not her.