Has anyone actively sought out a new partner purely for financial security?

[CommonSenses]

Reading another thread early about a poster being single for a long time which inspired me to name change and write this.

I've been single for almost ten years too. Pretty much happily so. I'm early 30s. No contact from ex. No opportunities to socialise out of work due to not being able to afford extra childcare and lack of supportive family. I've come to terms I'll likely be single til my child is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours on an evening.

I'm a low earning professional. My degree is vocational and I can do nothing else with it except this job which I actually love. My earning potential is capped at about 35k but that'll likely be a decade before I'm near that.

We maybe have £50 'play money' at tr end of the month after all necessities are paid (basically rent, council tax, broadband and childcare - we don't have TV packages or memberships or expensive phone contracts). I use this extra money for unexpected bills like car repairs or for taking my child out for a day.

I have no romantic interest and the thought of being with someone again makes me anxious. I've been independent for so long. But I know that we will never be financially secure unless I find a relatively high earning partner. I haven't even attempted dating since my splitting with my ex due to no childcare options outside of working hours. But my child will be in teenage years soon and may be responsible enough to be left alone so I can sign up for online dating or join a hobby or evening class to socialise.

In all honesty, in my situation, despite having no interest in being romantically involved with someone ever again would you actively seek out a partner just for financial security?

*shot meaning shit!

I don't know why this thread is all about women plural marrying/dating for financial security. As if we don't see endless posts along the lines of "He wants me to pay his dd's school fees", "He wants my house to be split between my kids and his", "He wants me to move in so he has sex on tap but pay him market rent as if I were a boarder", "On our first date he was excited that I'm a high earner and dropped hints about moving in", so many posts about men having expectations over their partners' money. It's long stopped being a women only issue.

And as far as dating for financial security, I know people who have done it. And I'd say it works, in the sense that the non-romantic realistic partnerships continue because one of the primary reasons they got together is why they will continue to stay together. They may not have passionate can't live with can't live without excitement, but they have multiple properties along with the neatly folded pyjamas and that's their focus. That practicality is a lot more common than I think some of you want to admit.

brendas I kind of agree. I know at least two women who are sticking out a fairly dead marriage for financial security and to maintain the lifestyle of the children (not so much themselves I don't think). If passion is dead, then sticking together makes sense, divorce makes everyone poorer.

It's a little different starting out though. Most people are driven by emotional connection, possibly sex. certainly wanting to be loved and be important in someone else's world. Mind you- look at Melania, she's highly accomplished but ended up with The Donald. It must have been money, mustn't it? I'm sure the OP's no Melania!

NRFT

Having been in a LTR working 2 jobs whilst my ex didn’t work at all and now married to my DH who now earns substantially more than I do (I earnt more than he did when we first met) I know which situation I would prefer.

Having said that, I do know of a couple of women, each with a child, who have completely taken advantage of the new men in their lives financially and it makes me shrivel up. The way they think these men should be responsible financially for their children and contribute to the cost of childcare amongst other things and I think it stinks.

I see where you’re coming from OP, but I also think it’s a risky business making your lifestyle dependent on another person. What if that relationship doesn’t last (I’ve seen this happen with one of the aforementioned women and they moved on very quickly for what I believe to be financial reasons) it would be a long fall down to where you are now.

If it's what you want OP then crack on. I would much rather pursue someone for financial security than fall in love with a work-shy man. Not saying that men only exist on opposite ends of this spectrum but in life we make choices according to our circumstances, needs and wants. There is no problem in you prioritising financial security.

Just re-read the title and overlooked the word “purely”. No, I couldn’t imagine entering a relationship purely for financial security. I’ve seen if happen and the cost is too high

As a high earner myself, I think this is predatory and shameful behaviour. Why not work on bettering yourself instead of piggy-backing on someone else's success? Men aren't there to provide financial security for you and your kid.

OP, I don't think what you want is wrong but I think it could be riskier than you think. I feel for you but I urge you to think about getting a new job as a plan A and this as a plan B.

Firstly, your anxiety about dating comes off the page. You don't feel secure enough to even have a lodger in the house and you would need several years to feel comfortable about this man moving in. That's a lot of fear and at the back of your mind you will know that it is financial security that keeps you in the relationship. That means at the back of your mind in every argument, discussion or step, you'll always be weighing it up against "happy" singledom. I don't think it will make for a happy union.

Secondly, the dating process is going to be either (1) paid for by your date or (2) low cost things that involve probably a lot of relaxing at home. Are you going to be okay with this? If you want to take things extremely slowly, your date may not be keen on paying for dates for 3 years. And if you are so uncomfortable about him in your spaces, the at home dating style may not work either.

Third, taking things slow is STILL no guarantee against this person not becoming a financial burden to you. You just don't know! Illness, depression, job loss could all mean in the end you may paying for them! Are you happy to have your child form a familial bond with someone then watch you evict them if they become sick? Even as a teenager? What if they have children? It's risky.

Fourth, they can still impoverish you! Everyone thinks dating slowly will weed out the arseholes but it is no guarantee. And divorce plummets many women into poverty. And even if you don't marry, any joint financial decisions you make (even renting a place together) could end up hurting you. E.g. you are renting jointly, you move out and he doesn't pay: you're liable for all of it.

Fifth, how realistic is this dating plan? Only you know tell the truth on that. Did you date a lot? Do you find it easy to find good partners? Are you hit on a lot? A lot of people (male or female) come with financial liabilities. Is this person single/divorced and childless? Are they paying maintenance? Do they have debts? Are they set for retirement? If you live in a large city where there are lots of unmarried men in their 30s, then great. But if you live somewhere where most men over 30 have kids, ex wives, "liabilities", it may be harder than you think.

That's why I think finding a career you can live with is the better policy. You are only early 30s. You have so many years of work left. At least 30, probably 40. That's a LOT. You can retrain or sidestep into a different part of the same industry. That way you can still date but without FEAR about the future.

Fmlgirl, I assume you've only read my initial post?

Why is it more predatory to want someone to share financial burdens with than it is to share emotional burdens with?

Anyway I really think I've restricted any further intelligent conversation about my ponderings by writing such a crap OP. It really is quite grating though when people chime in at the end of a thread without assuming the conversation might have evolved somewhat after the first page.

For those who do that, in real life do you expect to step away from a group conversation for five minutes to nip to the loo and then pick up the chat exactly where you left off?

I'd never contribute to a thread unless I'd at least caught up on the original poster's latest additions. I think its just completely strange to do otherwise. I'd actually be really interested to hear why some people do that but i suppose that's for a separate thread.

I think I need to step away from this now. Thanks for the input for those who engaged in my later posts.

Thanks for the reply saiya.

I have no money to retrain or change career as I explained earlier. I love my job and coping financially as I am. I can pay for all essentials and have enough left at the end of the month to put towards something (albeit very small) non essential such as taking my child to the cinema.

If I moved in with a partner in a few years, got married then divorced, I'd be back where I am now. I'd cope fine.

I would assume anybody who has been single for almost ten years would be anxious about dating again. Id think it more unusual if they weren't

I would never rely on someone financially.

I'd never allow someone to pay for my participating in dates.

I'd never allow dating to happen at home in the early stages.

Thinking ahead, I'd assume dates would be coffee shop visits or going to a cheap/free tourist attraction together. Dinner or going out with a Groupon I don't think it's all that important where it takes place.

Me pushing myself into dating is because attracted to the idea of finding someone I trust and love who can share living costs with. The risk is, we break up, feelings are hurt, and I end up exactly where I am now.

Most people push themselves into dating to find someone to alleviate loneliness and share emotional burdens with. The risk is, they split up, have their feeling hurt and end up back where they were.

Why is someone motivated to date for emotional reasons at any lesser risk than I am? I'm emotionally sound. It would take a hell of a lot to make me feel shit about myself. If anything I would say that makes me at lesser risk of my life getting turned upside as a result of a future relationship ending.

Most people push themselves into dating to find someone to alleviate loneliness

I’m not sure everyone does. I was single for several years before I met dh. I was ok being single and I wasnt lonely (I was skint as though...) . I didn’t really fancy dating at all tbh - friends tried to push me into OLD and I hated it. I met DH and it was more that I thought he was great than I didn’t want to be by myself.

Just chucking a (rather presumptuous) thought out there - you’ve been single and managing for some time. Do you think you’re reluctant/afraid/ whatever of seeing it in emotional terms? It’s kind of safer to see it as almost as a transactional thing rather than risk your foundation as someone who has been managing just fine? Its like ‘allowing’ yourself back out there for practical reasons?

Again sorry if that’s presumptuous- I’m a bit like this myself (overly logical...)

That’s what I’m thinking too hyper. I know you say your emotionally sound OP but it’s not the vibe I’m getting from your posts. Sorry if I’m completely off track.

CommonSenses

I don't want to do the whole mumsnet chicken pot thing but have you looked at the jobcentre? they may have grants depending on what you want to go into. Please please confirm that there is zero opportunity to switch. Even going part time, picking up tax credits with a plan could work.

I think you should date (yay!) but if you marry and divorce, you won't be in the same position, you will be a significantly worse position because you will be closer to retirement age. I'm so sorry if I sound patronizing but you're not that old. Getting a job, retraining, while still possible, is harder as you get older. Partly due to age discrimination and it's less money for retirement. Dating is also harder.

And in terms of risk, I have often found that people who are in extreme self protective mode actually increase their risks when they date. Because when you have a high emotional barrier up, the only people who get over it are people used to not respecting boundaries. The normal respectful guy who reads signals is discouraged by coolness but the guy who sees it as a challenge runs straight towards it. So often women who've been "hurt before" and are somewhat reluctant run straight into men whose primary characteristic is their persistence and ability to tell you what they think you need to hear. Liars and conmen basically. Worth thinking about.

I did. Ended terribly.