Has anyone actively sought out a new partner purely for financial security?

[CommonSenses]

Reading another thread early about a poster being single for a long time which inspired me to name change and write this.

I've been single for almost ten years too. Pretty much happily so. I'm early 30s. No contact from ex. No opportunities to socialise out of work due to not being able to afford extra childcare and lack of supportive family. I've come to terms I'll likely be single til my child is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours on an evening.

I'm a low earning professional. My degree is vocational and I can do nothing else with it except this job which I actually love. My earning potential is capped at about 35k but that'll likely be a decade before I'm near that.

We maybe have £50 'play money' at tr end of the month after all necessities are paid (basically rent, council tax, broadband and childcare - we don't have TV packages or memberships or expensive phone contracts). I use this extra money for unexpected bills like car repairs or for taking my child out for a day.

I have no romantic interest and the thought of being with someone again makes me anxious. I've been independent for so long. But I know that we will never be financially secure unless I find a relatively high earning partner. I haven't even attempted dating since my splitting with my ex due to no childcare options outside of working hours. But my child will be in teenage years soon and may be responsible enough to be left alone so I can sign up for online dating or join a hobby or evening class to socialise.

In all honesty, in my situation, despite having no interest in being romantically involved with someone ever again would you actively seek out a partner just for financial security?

Who said anything about looks?? OPs or the man’s. Are you saying OP plans to be arm candy for an ugly man?

It’s the word purely why they’re getting a hard time. I’d prefer the girl of my dreams to be loaded than skint but wouldn’t go for someone I wasn’t keen on purely on the basis she was loaded

To be fair, I think the OP would change her OP wording. Zib is quoting the OP, and it does look strongly financially motivated. I can imagine what the consensus would be if a guy got here asking for a physical Union.

I’ll give the OP the benefit of the doubt and answer her thus. What is a partnership for? Intimacy? Financial security? Love? Emotional support? I suspect a good partnership are all those things, but not all those things equally. For instance, my wife doesn’t offer me much in the way of financial security, but offers the other things willingly. I hope I do the same...including financial security. But .... if only one of those items ( or perhaps two or three) are being fulfilled...the relationship will be under stress. You need all or most of those things filled to a successful marriage.

So....yes, I think financial security is important in a relationship. Should it be THE reason for a relationship? Not in my book.

When thinking about a career, why don't people expect to stand on their own 2 feet rather than expect to find a mug to finance them?

OP - you seem to have attracted every GF on the internet to your thread. Haven't seen such a lot of deliberate obtuseness and crazy extrapolation for a while. I don't think you did anything to deserve it.

OP - I only made it to page 2 of the thread as I couldn’t be bothered to read all the GFs.
I understand where you’re coming from (as long as you actually like the man in question) so don’t let anyone on this thread put you off.

Why should anyone support anyone financially? I think after a while it would cause problems. Sorry but if you are on £35k, how much do you want a man to earn to support you? £100k?

And with more money tends to come more stress. If you have a lot to give back in other ways then it may be a trade off someone is happy to do. Otherwise it will end in tears.

Disclaimer: have not read the whole thread.

To answer your original question, no, i haven't and I wouldn't. I've earned more than most of my previous boyfriends. I earn more than my partner. If we were to split up, I wouldnt imagine being with someone just for money, but that could be because I was brought up by 3 amazing, financially independent, strong single mums (my mum and her sisters).

I'm not a high earner.

Wow.

Thanks for the opinions.

I didn't explain myself properly whatsoever in my earlier posts but hope that I managed to in more recent ones. Sadly it seems as though most people only have time to reply to my original (terribly worded post) rather than engage in conversation now things have been cleared up.

I honestly appreciate the replies but many of you are offering tales that are completely separate from what I described e.g. people staying in unhappy relationships so as not to upset the finances, women staying with rich boyfriends because they want to live in his nice house even though the men refuse to consider marriage.

That's no at all what I meant.

As someone else put it succinctly yesterday, a potential opportunity to share finances with someone would be the main stimulus to motivate me to try dating as opposed to an emotional stimulus. I don't feel lonely or unfulfilled so those reasons aren't at all motivators for me to try dating like they are for most people.

I'm not currently on 35k. I said this is the most I'll ever be able to earn in my career and is still a long way off. I bring home approx 1600 a month. I have £50 after all essentials are paid for (I already live in a cheap part of the country in terms of rent and childcare) to put some away for savings or use to take my child out for the day and put towards unexpected bills that month.

If I met a partner on the same wage as me, I'd be so much more financially happy. Rent would be both our responsibilities and we could share other costs. There would be more free money at the end of each month to enjoy life more and be less anxious and make plans for savings or holidays. All things that would enhance our current quality of life.

This is what I mean by financial security - not being set up for life.

I am exceptionally anxious about entering into another relationship and currently have no desire to be involved romantically with someone. I said this in my Op to point out that a yearning for sex or companionship wouldn't be my main reasons for trying dating like they are for most people.

I would take things slowly. I'd only enter into partnership with someone i respected and had a connection with. However, I'd end things very early on if they had large debts or unstable work history. Financial responsibility and passion for your career are important qualities for me in a future partner due to knowing what its like being with someone without these qualities (my awful ex). Of course other things are important too such as kindness and patience etc etc. But if my first date revealed that he is a lovely kind and patient man who had been unemployed for 6 months for the third time in three years, I'd likely choose not to see him again as I know that we wouldn't be compatible.

Just the same as I'd choose not to have a second date with a man on 49k+ a year who had no sense of humour and couldn't make conversation.

My job is an essential one. Somebody has to do it. And I'm sure you'd all much rather somebody like me who had passion for the work was in this role than someone who wasn't. I cannot afford to retrain. I spend my evenings planning for the next day's work. I don't work weekends but do a few hours of paperwork and use the rest of the the time to spend with my child and do essentials like housework and catching up with laundry and meal prep. I'd be exhausted if I also tried to take on weekend shifts and my daughter wouldn't be happy being forced to accompany me delivering pizzas every weekend in order to brig in extra money. When would we have the opportunity to spend it if all I do is work every hour I'm awake? I appreciate the advice on how to raise my own income but I don't think that's the answer. It would affect other aspects of life and my current career too much. I already work as hard as I can while trying to ensure quality time with my child at weekends and catching up on work and essential house stuff so the following week can run smoothly.

I'm managing fine just now. But I don't want to be just fine forever. I'm sure my life would be better if I had someone to share costs with.

The housemate idea is one I've considered but seems quite risky to me. I currently rent and don't have an additional room anyway so it would mean advertising for a stranger to rent out a bigger property with me and share costs. I'm not sure I could put that much trust into a stranger after being independent for so long.

Ideally I'd like to get to know someone for a few years before moving in with them. It'll take a very long time for me to start to trust someone enough again to share a home and finances with them. But I'm confident that when I do find that someone, our quality of life would vastly improve.

So I think that's why it would be worth the risk to push myself in to making some effort to find a partner at some point over the next few years after making no effort at all for ten. I've tried being single for long enough to know that I'd like to try something different rather than know exactly how my life will pan out by staying as I am.

That couldn't be clearer OP. Let's see if people now engage with what you're actually talking about.

I do understand where you are coming from op. It’s really tough being a single parent financially. It still sounds like your main motivation for coupling up would be “financial security”. I suppose I just don’t see things in that way but I am aware that a lot of women do. My ex made me a lot less financially secure not more (although he earned 49k+ but we were in the south east). So go for it if you like but there’s no guarantee that any man will improve your financial position.

If you do live in a cheaper part of the country and your wages are going up (and you are saving) why can’t you buy a house in time? I think there are things you can do to improve your lot.

Think fast - I am the same as you in that I have always been the higher earner. I was also brought up by a single parent.

I would never, ever date for financial security. It is way too important for me to retain total independence and sole responsibility for my lifestyle and finances.

I would hate to have a lifestyle a could only afford with the help of a man, if I couldn’t afford my current mortgage/bills alone then I’d downsize so I could.

The idea of being trapped in an unsatisfactory relationship because i couldn’t afford the bills otherwise is repugnant to me.

If you had posted ^that in your OP instead of talk of high earners and no romantic interest my answers, and I’m sure others, would have been completely different. I know all those having a go at me see that too.

I still advise caution. It is still risky to create your life depending on someone else’s income to sustain in. If that’s just holidays and nice things then it’s not a problem. You can manage without those if the relationship goes south. But mortgages, bills etc are a bit more vital. When you do meet this person and get your mortgage, make sure you’re saving something in a contingency plan. You still have a financial future to secure even when you’ve met someone.

The idea of being trapped in an unsatisfactory relationship because i couldn’t afford the bills otherwise is repugnant to me

Me too. I don't think anybody on this thread has said otherwise.

Wouldn't you like to be emotionally independent? Be completely happy with yourself and not rely on a partner to fill that gap in your life?

I just don't see the difference between someone being motivated to date to become financially happier than someone who is motivated to date to become emotionally happier.

Yes zibbidoo that's my thinking. I'd never give up my career and become financially reliant on a partner. I'd never want to rely on someone else's ability to hold a job in order to prevent me from becoming homeless or not able to eat.

Having a partner would enable me to share finances and to be able to look forward to a future where there is more free money to do non essential things that would enhance quality of life.

And if it did all go wrong, I'd know that I'd just end up back where I am now and that I'd be able to cope.

It's not something I thought about in the early days of dating when I met my DH, but more later in the relationship when I was considering whether to move in and marry him. At the time I would have been happy to continue living separately and have our separate lives but still in a relationship, but a few years ago there was a lot of concern about Universal Credit and how that would affect single parents, so I did end up thinking more pragmatically about my future finances.

I think it was important to me that our initial attraction was about physical attraction, personality, sense of humour etc, so I would never have wanted to seek out a partner with financial security as the main factor. I could never be with someone I didn't love just for money. DH is a high earner and his earnings take us out of UC and any benefits (although I still get some non means tested benefits for disability and carers) and I always feel a sense of relief whenever I read about the shitshow that is the current UC system. We've been married for five years now and we share all family finances as joint money, so I don't feel any stigma in being dependent on him for money as we both see it as our money. I feel more secure for the future as I won't be worrying when the DCs get too old for child benefits. I don't doubt that many single parents have to think the practicalities of being in a relationship, especially when childcare demands/ill health means that it's harder to improve their own financial situation through work.

Ironically I have received a big windfall in the past year and I'm now very financially secure even without DH's income. But I wouldn't have been in a position to gain that money if it hadn't been for DH's income supporting us in the first place.

OP I understand you exactly and I think other pp’s are twisting your words and taking the scenario to extremes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship where the pooling of resources makes life easier. Of course you have to want and enjoy the emotional aspect of it but you can’t live off love and fresh air. I made some unwritten rules when I started dating and some related to financial security. I met a great guy who I out earn by a fair bit but who has more disposable income and assets than me. He’s got no kids. If I didn’t love him and love being with him I wouldn’t be but part of the all round picture is that we are financially stronger together and that helps ease things and remove stress. Financial stress is pernicious. Don’t compromise on what you want and need OP.

I don’t see why not, loads of women do it.

I see it at work; quite a few want a partner that enables them to stay at home for eventual children/work part-time later on. They also don’t want to date someone with a lower education etc... . A bit of a disadvantage since quite a bit of men don’t really care about such things.

Recently read an article from a sociologist in the Netherlands about the secondary dating market, about how highly educated women are disadvantaged because the majority of men prefers a woman that has a lower educational level or a lower salary level. So that group finds highly educated men, and the highly educated women find themselves on a secondary partner market that's already scarce. For women with a higher education level and older than 35 it's very difficult. It's even starting to become a problem for women younger than 25. Higher levels lead to a surplus of highly educated women who compete for highly educated men. The Utrecht case was quite telling (135 women for every 100 men).

There’s no need for hypocrisy. I am not saying that women only care about money (would be a lie), but it’s an important factor. Possibly disguise it as saying you want an ambitious man or whatever. I see it every day. Still the same person since university, quite a bit more popular now. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. E.g.: one of my best friends married a receptionist. He’s an engineer very good at his job, very good income, he’s just not very good at everyday life - always with his head in the clouds, social anxiety etc... . She does everything for him, like he has a PA, she even lays out his clothes for the next day. His life has improved immeasurably since he has met her. She’s not a bad person, she’s very friendly and I think she loves him. Some, quite a bit of equestrians that I know, want their horses near their home but aren’t in the position to afford it themselves. So you can imagine what they consider a big plus … Again, I am not judging – money alone probably won’t get you anywhere.

Saying all this I probably wouldn’t date someone with a different SES. I don’t think I would have a lot of common interests with let’s say a nurse. Inequality tends to create problems.

Go for it.

From what you've said, I suspect my career is the same as yours and, I agree, suggestions to raise your own income are pretty much a non starter!

Unfortunately, whilst you say sex is not a big motivation for a relationship it is for most men. How would you manage that?

What's your plan?

CommonSenses, well done you for having a career as well as bringing up your LO all on your own for many years.

I think it's natural instinct to some extent that we prefer someone who can provide, I am attracted to someone who is intelligent like my husband, he wasn't a high earner when we met some 15 years ago but he is doing well now and we get these younger single mums who want to wreck our family apart. (You are obviously not one of them!)

You sound quite logical, it make sense to share bills with someone for financial reason but will that someone happy to share without romance?

I still don't think I'm explaining myself very well, sorry.

I'm not asexual

I wouldn't expect to enter into a sexless relationship.

What I mean is - because I've not had opportunity to mix with the opposite sex (my job is very female dominated), I've not found anyone that I'm attracted to. So I've not had the urge to be romantically involved with anyone since splitting with my ex.

When I start actively dating people, I highly suspect some 'urges' will arise if there is a mutual attraction. It would be a perfectly ordinary relationship.

All I meant was that a yearning for sex and romance and companionship would not be the main motivators for me pushing myself into trying the world of dating. I've been perfectly happy the past ten years without those factors. The attraction of sharing life's financial burdens with someone I love (and will very likely want to have sex with!) is what's motivating me to try dating.

On the single parent board, it seems to be loneliness that's the driving factor for most posters.

I'm not lonely. I don't feel a need right now - nor for the past decade - to try to find a partner to make me emotionally happier.

The thought of being financially happier is what's attracting me to try finding a compatible partner who I love and want to spend the rest of my days with. The likelihood is that I may start to feel lonely once my child is older and doing her own thing. So loneliness might well become a motivator for me. But it isn't right now and never has been.

In that case, I can't see what the issue is.

I can't see why pursuing a relationship to share finances and make a better life for yourself, your child and your partner would be any less valid than because you wanted alleviate boredom and loneliness.

If anything, it's more valid because you're less likely to out up with any nonsense!!

*put up

This has been happening since the dawn of time, people being in relationships, getting married ect. For security reasons rather than romantic. I think I see where your coming from op. And I'm sure the person you start dating you'll like then those feelings can grow. I doubt you'll pick someone you hate because they earn a certain amount and make yourself and child miserable.

I found the personality traits I wanted in a partner went hand in hand with a high income. I was a single mother in my 30’s on low income. Went on a few dates all of which left me feeling depressed as they were just such negative, bitter personalities.

My first date with dh I enjoyed. He had no money as still supporting his family but the difference was, although he was going through the same shot as everyone else, he was positive and upbeat. THAT is what attracted me to him. We were skint together but happy.

10 years down the line he’s turned those traits into millions, I don’t work and my kids have been bought flats. Before anyone asks, our properties are equally in my name. My point is, the advice I would give my dd is not to look for someone with a big salary- rather positive, loyal, kind, intelligent and most importantly a family person.