Has anyone actively sought out a new partner purely for financial security?

[CommonSenses]

Reading another thread early about a poster being single for a long time which inspired me to name change and write this.

I've been single for almost ten years too. Pretty much happily so. I'm early 30s. No contact from ex. No opportunities to socialise out of work due to not being able to afford extra childcare and lack of supportive family. I've come to terms I'll likely be single til my child is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours on an evening.

I'm a low earning professional. My degree is vocational and I can do nothing else with it except this job which I actually love. My earning potential is capped at about 35k but that'll likely be a decade before I'm near that.

We maybe have £50 'play money' at tr end of the month after all necessities are paid (basically rent, council tax, broadband and childcare - we don't have TV packages or memberships or expensive phone contracts). I use this extra money for unexpected bills like car repairs or for taking my child out for a day.

I have no romantic interest and the thought of being with someone again makes me anxious. I've been independent for so long. But I know that we will never be financially secure unless I find a relatively high earning partner. I haven't even attempted dating since my splitting with my ex due to no childcare options outside of working hours. But my child will be in teenage years soon and may be responsible enough to be left alone so I can sign up for online dating or join a hobby or evening class to socialise.

In all honesty, in my situation, despite having no interest in being romantically involved with someone ever again would you actively seek out a partner just for financial security?

OP you didn't say 'financial security is important, don't you think?' you said would you date PURELY for financial security.

If this is your aim, I think you are misguided. Imagine waking up next to someone every day, them snuggling up to you etc when you aren't truly driven by passion. Ugh. I get how people might make this trade for the hope of a family and through habit once the passion dies off- but for a mortgage? Nope, I rent and would rather carry on!

Also, what if your newly found partner loses their job, gets made redundant, gets sick and can't work. I know several families including my own where the female has had to be the breadwinner for these reasons for periods of time.

In the past women had to marry for social pressure and for financial reasons as they couldn't survive on their own. You sound like you are actually doing very well under the circumstances. I wouldn't exchange that for a holiday in a caravan once a year which is what quite a few of the families I know have, I'd save up for the Sun offer and go by yourself, and start dating when you truly want some romance.

You have nothing to loose by exploring the possibility. As the last one to leave home I would have found it easier if my widowed Mum had had a partner as she didn’t have much of a social life or career she enjoyed . Good luck.

OP, you've clearly done the wrong thing here. Don't you know you should never admit to wanting a partner with a good income? That's gold-digging and it's terrible.

You have to say that you look for ambition and drive in a partner. That's the socially acceptable euphemism that suddenly everyone finds acceptable.

Dear Lord! No!!! I wouldn’t imagine what you are considering would give you financial security. There’s nothing secure about taking up with a high earner. For a start you are a low earning 30-something single mother. What do you have to offer this potential golden hen? And you think having a second job would take something away from your daughter yet imagine having a boyfriend you have to kow tow to would be fine? If you want a holiday pay for it yourself ffs. What an abhorrent idea!

There is a happy medium to this, seek to find someone you really really like but don’t date them in the first place unless it’s likely they have the kind of stability that you crave, you may miss out on the odd chap who hides the fact he’s in a very good position and underplays it admittedly ! Don’t however settle just for any random guy who seems to really like you but you are a bit meh, just because he’s in a good position financially

You say you work 7-7 every day. Do you actually mean 7-days per week or just 5? You could deliver pizza etc in your local area for just 3 hours each sat/sun evening taking your daughter in your car with you, treating it as spending time together £40 for 3-hour’s work. That’s 80 per week, over 4K per year. You and your girl could have a lovely couple of hols with that knowing you did it yourself. Taking no time away from her. I say that as someone who works three jobs following my spouse taking ill and becoming a financial burden rather than security. What if that happens to you and you’ve taken on someone ‘just for the money’ and have another couple of kids etc. Council tax is reduced and you get tax credits and help with childcare as a single parent. I lost £650 pm when my partner returned after a two-year separation. It’s really not as great as many on this thread seem to think.

if a man is solvent and has a reasonably paid job he will be well sought after in OLD so you might be in for some competition.
High earners tend to go for the same someone like them and if I was a high earner I'd do the same so can't blame them.

High earners tend to go for the same someone like them and if I was a high earner I'd do the same so can't blame them

Isn't OP just wondering about meeting someone to share finances with? She hasn't said she's looking for a high earner to live off.

This is really not meant as a dig at anyone, but I have always felt that I am responsible for my own financial security and independence, so it has never occurred to me to consider a man's ability to 'provide for me' as a factor in whether I enter a relationship.

That said, I accept that I am fortunate to be able to support myself financially and if I was massively skint and had three kids to support that might change things.

And that also doesn't mean I would be particularly attracted to someone who was irresponsible with money (although DH is a bit 'easy come easy go' ). For me it's more important that we have similar values and aspirations as then we can work towards them together.

When I was single I did have moments of panic - what if I got sick and couldn’t pay the bills etc, but it never crossed my mind to seek a relationship to give me some security and peace of mind. Instead I got income protection insurance. What kind of security are you looking for? It sounds like improvements in your standard of living rather than actual “security” is what you’re looking for.

I agree with someone further up. No one goes out looking to date a pauper. But at the same time I’m not sure it’s the point to be focusing on. You usually do look at the whole package. And your proposal doesn’t sound very fair on the other person to me. What if he loses his job in the future and you need to support you both? Will you leave him then? You’ll be back to square one.

And of course you can change career even if you have a very specific degree. Plenty of people have good jobs with no degree at all.

Hi Commonsense, Your only thinking what a lot of woman have already done with their lives . You must do what suits you and your child it is tough on your own I know , dip your toe in the water what have you to loose , wishing you all the best with it , and no there is nothing wrong with what you desire everyone wants security it is normal , take care x

I get you OP.

I can and do provide for my dc. We have a rented home, a car, the odd holiday. But realistically I have nothing leftover to save towards a mortgage. I will not be able to save towards a mortgage until I find a partner to split the bills with.. That's not being a golddigger it's just life!

As you seem to have no family ties to where you are and it sounds like you work in the public sector, could you move to an area of cheaper housing so you have a bit more disposable income?

I couldn't look for a partner in the way you describe but many do and for many it works out.

If a man was saying this could you imagine the replies!!

Yes yes to where is your pride, stand on your own two feet.

Your OP is spectacularly poorly worded and your subsequent posts are confused to say the least.

I think what you're trying to say is, "I don't feel an urge to date, but when I think of how much easier life could be if I shared costs and living space with another person, I start to feel motivated to give it a go".

Which is totally fine.

But the title of the thread alone makes it sound like you would be selecting dates based ONLY on how much money they could give you. Which is very confusing because you apparently mean the opposite.

Perhaps abandon this thread and try to think it through a bit before posting again.

Agree with PP that the title is completely at odds with what you have posted. Many people will answer the title question. Later reading reveals another opinion but first impressions are that this is about money

I suppose people do seek out a partner for financial security....I wouldn't myself and can't say it ever crossed my mind - and I've been alone for many years now.

I don't want to offend but I honestly can't see how 'financial security' is any different from prostitution, really....you get security, they get sex and a homelife thrown in...just more socially acceptable....?

I was also a low earner in the early days on my own and didn't have many prospects, some days I struggled even to put food on the table when my DD was a teenager. But these days I'm much older, very independent and found that work opportunities (which I had never dreamed possible) did actually mean a change of jobs, location, finances and the ability to travel. I will never be rich but will always be happier on my own, and proud of the fact that I finance myself entirely.....

If you're in UK you can rent out a room in your house and earn x amount without paying tax, look on HMRC website. Ref relationships, I've loved myself before being with someone else. I look after my own financial security

Bloody hell, you're getting a lot of unwarranted stick OP... I was intrigued by your question though cause although I want to be in it for love, in my culture, financial stability and ability to support a family together does come into it too. Whether ability now or potential to.

To be honest I think it's sensible. You do want to have a loving relationship with someone, but things are also so much easier when there's two of you to share the bills and mortgage and you can have a few luxuries too. It's not in the forefront of my mind, but there's no denying it's an important factor.

I get what you are saying but think it was probably badly worded! I suspect you are in the same job as me though and your brain has just shut down after a busy few weeks .

I presume you’re thinking, if you were to meet someone in the future-it would be good if they were solvent as two incomes are much easier than one-NOT that you are a gold-digger wanting to give up work and live off a rich man!

Imagine if you found out, years later, that someone was using your child the way you want to use a person now? Not because they love your child, want to share life and partnership and intimacy, but just because he/she makes their own life more convenient and allows them to have holidays? That someone actively sought out your child or someone like your child not because of the person they are and whom they love and cherish, but just to make life easier on them?

So no, I wouldn't, because it's using someone and that's pretty shitty.

to quote my mother , as you get older its easier to be miserable 'in comfort'. Now at the time she said it, (I was 29) I was horrified, but as Ive got older I do kind of understand what she was getting at. There is a big difference between being a goldigger tjogh (which I'm sure you are not OP) and thinking life might be a bit easier financially with someone to share it with. Some people are very independent and would rather have 3 jobs on the go etc if necessary and some people just would rather find a decent partner who they get on with and can hopefully share some of lifes expenses and experiences with and not have 3 jobs. neither is wrong or right, its just a different kind of attitude/mentality.

OP I'm interested in how you see dating developing - timescales etc. I met my boyfriend on-line. I earn 3x what he does. We've been together for 2 years, but we live half an hour apart, and have lives where we live. It's unlikely we'll live together (and therefore share finances) for about 10 years. So if he wanted me for the financial security, he'd be waiting a very long time!
I think you may be jumping the gun somewhat

My friend has - and he won't even marry her - she is late 50s, no career, no children - the alternative was living in a bed sit which she couldn't even afford on a NMW job (she is degree educated - but who cares when you are nearly 60) - it is incredibly sad to see her like this - on the plus side she is living comfortably in a very nice house, but he is a miserable sod, his grown up children hate her and make her life a misery. I feel desperately sorry for her but equally understand that the alternative is pretty grim.

A lesson here is to always be financially independent.

I think some posters are remarkably ... naive maybe? its like they think the only reason for a relationship is hearts and flowers and true love. And if you even think about money for a second you are a prostitute. I might have thought like that as a teenager. Adult life is more sensible and practical for many.

For many people there is love but there is also the understanding that life is easier to manage (especially rearing children) on many levels - financially, housing, etc if you have two contributing adults pulling together with similar goals/values. I

Surely thinking about a relationship because of the practical things it can contribute to your life is perfectly ok?