Has anyone actively sought out a new partner purely for financial security?

[CommonSenses]

Reading another thread early about a poster being single for a long time which inspired me to name change and write this.

I've been single for almost ten years too. Pretty much happily so. I'm early 30s. No contact from ex. No opportunities to socialise out of work due to not being able to afford extra childcare and lack of supportive family. I've come to terms I'll likely be single til my child is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours on an evening.

I'm a low earning professional. My degree is vocational and I can do nothing else with it except this job which I actually love. My earning potential is capped at about 35k but that'll likely be a decade before I'm near that.

We maybe have £50 'play money' at tr end of the month after all necessities are paid (basically rent, council tax, broadband and childcare - we don't have TV packages or memberships or expensive phone contracts). I use this extra money for unexpected bills like car repairs or for taking my child out for a day.

I have no romantic interest and the thought of being with someone again makes me anxious. I've been independent for so long. But I know that we will never be financially secure unless I find a relatively high earning partner. I haven't even attempted dating since my splitting with my ex due to no childcare options outside of working hours. But my child will be in teenage years soon and may be responsible enough to be left alone so I can sign up for online dating or join a hobby or evening class to socialise.

In all honesty, in my situation, despite having no interest in being romantically involved with someone ever again would you actively seek out a partner just for financial security?

I'm a single parent and not financially secure, I rent and am topped up by tax credits. It would be very hypocritical of me to only want to date financially secure men.

I wouldn't want someone who was lazy, irresponsible or workshy but I'd happily go out with someone on a low income provided they were hard working and happy with their lifestyle.

But we are talking about when you already have children, and you are setting up with a new partner, who possibly has their own family too in OP’s case. When you first starting out in life as a young single person with no commitments then life is different. When you have a child that’s another factor. It is naive to think that there are plenty of well off financially secure men out there waiting for a little family to come along and support. Life is hard for us all. You could get lucky and get the whole package but in reality in 40’s you will meet a man who is divorced and paying maintenance, had to buy his ex out or sell his home and perhaps he doesn’t want to tie himself financially to another woman. Having been dating for a long time it is really not unusual for a high earning man to avoid us single ol mothers on lower wages for this reason! And I am one of them so I am not trying to offend

I had a friend who was a single mum of 1 who wasn't that keen on working many hours and seemed to think it was the case that someone doing pretty ok would be happy to take her little family on . She got quite a shock when she realised a lot of those kind of 'comfortably off' guys she was looking for were looking for someone free from child commitments , didnt want more children or in some cases any children and also wanted her earning decent money,!! It does work two ways I'm afraid.

I think some posters are remarkably ... naive maybe? its like they think the only reason for a relationship is hearts and flowers and true love. And if you even think about money for a second you are a prostitute

Me?

I’m a lone parent. I’ve dated different men during my time as a parent (almost 13 years) some of them skint students, some tradesmen, some professionals and one very wealthy business man who could have set me up very comfortably for life and actually wanted to marry me and be a stepfather to my child. As a lone parent working part time and depending on tax credits that was a very attractive offer. He was a very nice, kind man, very romantic and thoughtful and great with my son but I didn’t love him and so I could never pursue a relationship beyond the point where I knew it for sure. I insisted on paying half of every single date we went on and put petrol in his car regularly for all the driving he did to come and see me. I’m certainly not naive. I’ve been round the block a few times. I know how relationships work and just how easy it would be to fall into the “He pays for everything because hes the man and earns more” pattern. Which becomes “he’s the breadwinner and I’m the SAHM who has to ask him if I can have lunch with my friend” pattern. We see it every single day on MN. Women who got very comfortable with someone else providing their income and then have the rug pulled from under them when he either turns abusive or walks out. It’s very easy to justify initially. It’s not so easy to live with down the line.

Secure your own financial future. Men and women. Don’t depend on anyone else to carry you.

It appears that some people can't see the difference between financial security and gold digging. The OP supports herself and has done for a long time, and she hasn't given any indication that she would give up work so that someone else could financially support her and her child. Deary me. Try reading what she has said before spouting judgemental drivel.

Mmm, yes, try reading what she wrote fluffs.

Firstly, that’s not what the title says
Secondly, we are not all accusing her of gold digging. We are saying be empowered to change your own life, to be proud of what you do have and enter a relationship for the right reasons

I’d personally never be with someone for financial security, if there’s no real love or feelings I’d feel like a fraud and I just don’t think I could fake it.

Sadly there are many people out there willing to do this, my ex lost his job and flat and was faced with living with students (he’s in his fifties) or even homelessness when the minimal amount of money he had left ran out. Consequently he left me, his excuse being he didn’t want to be trapped in my home town and a woman he had dated previously and was pretty obsessed with was a sure fire way of a rent free life until he got back on his feet. It’s lasted all of 8 weeks before he’s come back crawling.

I agree. Strive to become financially independent.

You could marry a man with money, whatever, and he could drop down dead tomorrow.

Single mum, since he was 6 months old, in his 20's now. Yes. It's tough. And of course I've had relationships.... Always stayed independent though.

Most men want to be "mothered" (wife work).

His dad was abusive to me. No way would I have a man moving in with all his bagage. Emotional and literal.

I dread to think how that would have ended up. DS's mental health, and mine, is the most important thing.

How many people on this these actually bothered to read what the OP is saying?

She said nothing about being with someone she didn't love, simply that finances rather than loneliness would be the main stimulous for looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of posters have invented a narrative to suit themselves.

Strive to become financially independent

She is financially independent if you RTFT!

She said nothing about being with someone she didn't love,

Did you read the part where OP says the thought of being with someone else makes her anxious? And that she has no interest in being romantically involved with someone ever again?

Yeah I did.

She's anxious about being in a relationship along with 90% of the other people who've been single for 10 years.

Many people have no desire to get into another relationship and yet loneliness drives them to try to find one all the same.

It's fairly common for people to feel conflicted about wanting but yet not wanting a relationship.

She is financially independent but also financially unhappy. Which would be the driving factor

As many people are emotionally unhappy single.

It does actually shock me a bit the number of women on here and elsewhere who see men as their ticket to financial security. I can genuinely say I have never considered that. That being said and ex was feckless with money and I would now be put off with mixing finances with someone like that. But otherwise I would not be expecting a man to keep me or provide me with financial security.

That being said it works out well for a lot of women who couldn’t provide themselves with that lifestyle. But I couldn’t pretend or be with someone I didn’t love for money (call it financial security if you like).

I am a single parent too. I say we should be proud of supporting ourselves and our families.

Many people have no desire to get into another relationship and yet loneliness drives them to try to find one all the same.

From the OP “I'm talking about embarking on dating in a year or two for the sole purpose of eventually finding financial security, not because I'm lonely or feeling unfulfilled.”

One of my favourite types of thread is where the OP is at pains to make themselves clear and posters go out of their way to misunderstand.

No, the title is enough for me to JUDGE! Why should I waste my time reading the OP's perfectly clear clarification of it!

I know how relationships work and just how easy it would be to fall into the “He pays for everything because hes the man and earns more” pattern. Which becomes “he’s the breadwinner and I’m the SAHM who has to ask him if I can have lunch with my friend” pattern.

Even this seems like a cliche. Yes you read posts like this on MN - but the majority of replies will be shocked. Most women don't live in abusive situations. I am married 25 years. We had similar education levels and earning capacity when we met and fell in love. We each contributed financially to our lives together. The reality is we are wealthier together than apart. Our children have access to far more resources because we are together and not apart. Life is easier together - we have at times been able to take risks with one of our jobs or provide extra care for a child in need because the other person is there to pick up the slack. When we retire we will have 2 pensions to live on, not one.

No one - including the OP - is saying meet a man and sell your body to him for money. But as the OP begins to see a future in which her child is becoming more independent and eventually she will be on her own, she is thinking maybe one of the benefits of a relationship could be increased security and a better way of life. What is so shocking about that? it could work the same for any potential boyfriend. If both of them earn the same - 35k, then they will have a better standard of living together than apart.

Ye-es Zibbidoo it was a par-a-llel.

Agreed Nauticant. Great summary.

Pallisers, no-one is saying life isn’t cheaper for the individual when living as a couple. I have been in a relationship, sharing a home and bills and raising children. I don’t need that explained, thank you

What is so shocking about that?

Who is shocked?

If both of them earn the same - 35k, then they will have a better standard of living together than apart.

OP wants a “relatively high earner” whilst expecting not to earn above £35k herself.

One of my favourite types of thread is where the OP is at pains to make themselves clear and posters go out of their way to misunderstand

No, the title is enough for me to JUDGE! Why should I waste my time reading the OP's perfectly clear clarification of it!

Pretty much sums it up. Also, some posters just barge in and take over the thread and take it in a completely different direction with their views lies.

I wouldn’t say I actively want a man to financially take care of me but I would expect him to hold his own and be sensible with money.

Also, some posters just barge in and take over the thread and take it in a completely different direction with their views lies.

😜👍

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