Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

311 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:47

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OP posts:
UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 18:46

Bookmarking to read later.

I'm fine right now (at 47 with teen kids) but the future would be better with somebody. Or maybe not. I enjoy my life but I want to go on holiday sometimes and that I wouldn't enjoy so much alone. I want to go to restaurants. But when I"m at home I'm happy.

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 18:56

Ps, don't lower your standards. I've had a couple of mcRelationships from OLD and the most recent, although he was clever and normal I didn't feel we weren't really sparking any ying /yang in each other. Hard to explain. He seemed SO 'respectfully' keen though that I gave him a chance. He wasn't hideous to me, but he was overweight and no looker but I knew he was a nice man. He dumped me after about 7 weeks because there was no chemistry. So there's no point lowering your standards. If you settle you get EVEN LESS than what you settled for.

I've done umpteem rounds on OLD too and I cannot be bothered now. After all the doomed flings and lovebombing+dumping I cannot muster up the energy to reply to 'hiya' any more. I got zip left.

I left my x over 10 years ago but really I was single in my heart for a long time before I left (as in, had nobody to confide in, nobody who cared about me, there was no connection between my x and me).

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 19:01

I completely understand OP, these threads always turn in to advice to love yourself and when you love yourself it'll happen! [ha ha ha]

I have a more robust self-esteem than the people saying this 3/4s of the time I suspect. It's just what people say.

I buy myself a big gift on my birthday. Last birthday I bought myself an orla kiely handbag and I said ''from me, to me''.

Kind of owning the fact that I have to treat myself but at least I ended up with something I liked godammit. No tedious hinting.

I had a laugh at somebody upthread single for 2 weeks joining in !

Luckybe40 · 05/04/2018 20:19

No advice OP but sad at your tangible pain and didn’t want to read and runFlowershope circs change for you and all the other sad singletons on this thread. I had no idea there were so many around. And how shocking OLD is! Christ!!!sounds hideous!

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 21:00

/so few women think like that shatnerswig.

What kept happening to me OLD Quiddichcup was that I'd meet somebody I was uncertain about a second date with. I'd be uncertain. I didn't see it. They would convince me to go for a second date. Begin to win me over I'd be thinking ok, we're just getting to know each other that's all, no biggie, and then juuuuust as I was getting used to it they'd end it. That happened to me FOUR times over 3 years. And anybody reading that is going to think I must have been too clingy or too needy. But I wasn't. I have a 7 week barrier. I never get beyond 7 weeks! And after a decade + single, you can imagine, it never really feels real anyway. But yet, still hurts when I'm rejected.
Cannot obviously muster up the enthusiasm to make small talk with men who look boring, are boring, say no more than 'hiya' and also have ''not lookin' for anything serious'' as what they're looking for. What's the point!?

ziggy1986 · 05/04/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 22:29

🤔

Bexter801 · 05/04/2018 22:44

Oh @ziggy1986 can imagine your a right catch Hmm

CheeseyToast · 05/04/2018 22:47

Dullandold you make me laugh. You sound fun, not at all dull. All this desperation to get hooked up is extremely dull to me, however.

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 22:50

Talk about missing the point.

CheeseyToast · 05/04/2018 22:51

Talk about needy 🙄

Glenb · 05/04/2018 22:56

I was married for 16 years to a total control freek .. i couldnt work had no friends and my family eventually stopped coming as he was rude to them .. i woke up one morning and thought nope cant do this anymore and left ...i slept on my brothers sofa as him and his wife kindly took me in ...that was 7 years ago ..im now a staff nurse work full time rent a lovely house have 2 dogs and could not be happier with no man in my life ...im sorry for the ones that feel being single is crap ..but for some of us its a ideal world that i embrase every day

Jadoo · 05/04/2018 23:05

I sympathise OP. I've been single nearly two years and whilst I mostly relish my new found freedom, have a full life and am always busy, yep...it's not unusual to find myself sitting on the sofa after the DC have gone to bed wondering why I'm sitting there on my own. When the world stops for a moment, it hits you. So I keep busy. And a bit more. It's my way of coping with it. But at the same time I have some solitary hobbies that I love and another person might get in the way of them.
Not many people want to be single, they just accept it and make the most of it, which is what I feel like I'm doing. I can't be doing with all this desperate searching for Mr He'll Do though. If someone I like comes along, fantastic, if they don't...oh well I'm having fun. Sort of. Usually.

MadMags · 05/04/2018 23:05

Don’t feed the trolls.

UnaMagdalena · 05/04/2018 23:08

Human beings are hardwired to connect. It's a survival thing. And nobody should have to apologise for that. People don't end relationships because hey, they're not needy.

Showing up on a thread to mock single people for sometimes feeling lonely is so spectacularly unpleasant words almost fail me.

jayne1044 · 05/04/2018 23:30

I love being single, it was weird to begin with after 25 years of pacifying somebody else’s needs. But I now love my freedom!

fairylightsdown · 05/04/2018 23:31

Quid, Wooly, Shatner; feel free to pm me if you're in London and want to have a drink or coffee at some point to expand social cricles ...or just have a whinge ;)

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/04/2018 04:51

I did the settling thing once, sort of. Or rather, I was so excited to get past a first date that i didn't pay any attention to if I liked him and if he was a nice person, which I didn't and which he wasn't. When my senses kicked in 8 weeks later I ended it.

So now, one of my biggest things is " do I like this person enough to want to meet them" and the answer is usually no. I keep thinking eventually I'll hit a ' yes' and that will have more chance of success. Hopefully.

Not to feed any trolls but I am not needy. I would not have managed 10 years on my own if I were , and I'm sure that is the case for all long term singles. I have many women say to me they wouldn't/ couldn't do what I do, but I just get on with it, If I didn't and sat waiting for a man I would have had no life and my daughter would have missed out too.

Thank you for the offer of a London drink too!

This thread has been quite helpful in that it helps to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do sometimes and that there are others like me.

OP posts:
Blinkingecksake · 06/04/2018 08:00

I haven’t been single for as long as you so won’t pretend to know how you feel. When I finally left my shitty marraige I was on a high for about a year and loved the peace and calm and the positive effect that had on the children and the total freedom. I still relish those feelings but began to get lonely.

I was full of bravado and maintained the mantra to everybody that it’s great on your own. But the loneliness crept in. After a few dating disasters and a failed relationship, with the help of counselling I’ve acknowledged, within myself and to others, that I get lonely. And it’s ok. Some people are happy single and some are not. Like you, I have a great life, hobbies, friends, great kids, busy job. But weekends are hard, especially the evenings, most of my friends are married and it’s family time. Which I totally understand.

I met someone seven weeks ago. He swept me off my feet and I took my barriers down. Threw caution to the wind because I decided to live and go by gut feeling, and introduced him to my children, family and friends. And me to his. And now I’ve just been dumped out of the blue. I was also dumped after a promising start in December. I’m too fragile now to put myself through this again. Time to put the walls back up and take the loneliness. Build more friendships with single girls so that I have plans at weekends.

Two years of dating misery! And all the men I’ve been let down by - four in total, were messed up because of their exes, they just hid it well. Sorry I’m offloading on your thread now! God I’m going to miss that bugger, waking up to a cuddle was just the nicest feeling.

ravenmum · 06/04/2018 08:11

This word "dumped" keeps coming up. I've ended things with OLD people before but I hope they didn't feel "dumped" or let down. I liked them (or I wouldn't have gone out with them), but after a while thought we were not compatible after all. In one case I was totally besotted, but it did not work practically speaking. It would have caused more hurt to keep it up longer in all cases. Is it just the tedious repetition that makes you see it as being "dumped", or did they do it in a nasty way?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/04/2018 08:55

Being dumped is being dumped in which ever form it takes? No?

Sorry about that blinking, I know that feeling well. You will be ok, as you say, just the loneliness will kick in instead.

I also think people under estimate the effort it takes to keep putting yourself out there and that sort of thing happening all the time. It hurts and the walls come up by means of self preservation.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/04/2018 09:15

Dumping is what you do to rubbish, worthless stuff. My exh dumped me; he treated me like I was worthless. I don't treat people like they are worthless, so I hope that when I have ended things with people, they did not feel dumped.

ravenmum · 06/04/2018 09:22

If you always feel dumped however nicely people say that they don't think the dating will lead anywhere, that would be soul-destroying indeed.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 06/04/2018 09:26

It's just a term, just a word, isn't it. Universally known to mean someone ended a relationship with you..

I don't think it has any reflection on how anyone should feel about dating if they use it.

OP posts:
Blinkingecksake · 06/04/2018 09:31

I guess I feel / felt ‘dumped’ in these particular instances because it felt out of the blue. And this one has been a pretty intense relationship. To do it by text when he knows I was cooking the kids tea did feel dumped and discarded. He’d started to open up abou a few of his issues but it still felt out of the blue. I give up. Well at least for a while! I feel so bloody hurt - which after 7 weeks is a bit ridiculous I know but it just seemed so good and full of promise. I actually let myself enjoy it, I think I’m more cross with myself than him.

I do hear the word dumped a lot and it probably is used a bit unfairly sometimes. My last relationship ended after mutual discussion and I hope he didn’t feel dumped.