Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OK; I used it re my exh, sometimes with the words "from a great height", and very definitely meant that he treated me like shit :) but it can be a throw-away phrase I suppose.

Something I've been thinking about lately is this.....starting something is a risk to both parties. They might not like each other and then have to end it. For me, I let it drag on too long when I know it's not going anywhere. I've got to stop that because as I get older, I know for me there is no such thing as casual sex and also it is a responsibility to take someone's heart in hand. You could hurt them, and they you. So I am going to be much more careful about who I date.

I'm single only a year and have had one recent very positive experience on OLD, although its not going to proceed through my choice, so I'm relatively new to being single again. This discusssion has been useful for me. It's better to be single than in the shit, but for many it's better to be in a functional loving relationship. Finding that though, well!!

That's what I was thinking, too, something2say. The last dating spree I went on, I made sure after previous experiences to knock it on the head pretty fast if it was a dead end. But it is hard to work it out. It's not that easy to avoid hurt feeings.

Christ, some of the responses on this thread

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship ffs. And admitting feeling lonely despite a full life is really brave and honest. I actually am more sceptical of the people who claim to have been single for 10+ years and are perfectly happy, never feel alone etc.

I'm not single now but I was for about 6 years. And that was hard. Yes sometimes it was lovely being on my own. I'd been in an abusive relationship and quite miserable for several years. Having the freedom to do my own thing, live how I wanted with me and my DC was lovely.

But as time passed, I didn't just want that. I wanted a good relationship, a true partnership of equals. So I dated a lot. I put myself out there a lot. I expect the OP has too. But nice though it is to think that works, it makes no real difference. It's luck and chance more than anything.

It matters not what you look like, what size you are, your financial position, educational level, etc etc. We tell ourselves it does. Or give that advice to others, because we want it to be true. It really isn't. Ultimately you just have to be in the right place at the right time.

There is no magic formula for meeting someone. I met my bf completely by chance. His profile popped up on an OD site. He wasn't really what I was looking for but he seemed nice enough so I sent him a message. But that wasn't doing anything different, I had sent the first message before, just rarely got a response. I got stood up the week before I met bf (who knows had that guy turned up we might not have met).

And when we met, I was looking for a relationship. That was what I wanted. I wanted something that you can't get from DC or friends. I wanted someone to care about me, and who I could care about. A companion. Someone who would be on my side, listen to me. Be interested in me. Oh and who would (to quote someone I once worked with) give me a good seeing to.

Yes you can do ONS. Apparently you can also do FWB but I always feel they're an urban myth. Everyone says they have them but do they really exist...? But ONS in my experience are no solution. They might in the very short term relieve a sexual urge, but they dont help with any desire for intimacy, or the physical but not sexual side of a relationship iyswim. My bf often rubs my back to help me sleep...how else would I get that outside a relationship?

That's not the only reason we're together of course. But it's something I couldn't have had when single. However full my life was, and it was. When you're a single parent your life is always full. But that doesn't stop you feeling lonely. Whether it's at night when you've put young children to bed. Or if you have older DC in the early evening when they're glued to phones/gaming, or out with friends. Friends only can do so much, ditto family.

I'm sorry there's no answer to this. All I can offer OP and others in the same boat is that your feelings are perfectly valid and natural. It doesn't mean you have low self esteem or don't love yourself. Or that you are wrong for not filling your life more, or doing more, or putting yourself out there (all of which I expect you do or have done). I can't offer any words of wisdom, only that I've been there and I get it

What a lovely post velvet spoon.
Thanks for understanding

Good yardstick quid. My benchmark is a bit like this. Givrn that my female friends are good company, clever, generous in their spirit if this man were a woman would i be bothered if she never wanted to meet up.

I went on a date on nyd and although he was nice i knew that if i never saw him again i couldnt care less.

Nobody who has been single for ten years!! If that doesnt go without saying then there is no discussion worth having.

Sorry that should say nobody who has been single for ten yrs is needy!
Stupid comment that shows a total inability to understand the INDEPENDENCE that comes from being single.

VelvetSpoon thank you thank you thank you!! You get it! And I agree, a lot of it is luck and timing. But also I’ve had a lot of counselling after an abusive marriage and know what I want and need (in terms of values) and have also learnt to be open minded about looks, height etc.

I’m not ready to put myself back out there for a while now. But in time I will dust myself off and try again because you’re right, it is okay to say I don’t want to be on my own. Thank you

Lovely post from velvetspoon. I'm glad after a long time you found someone. I think the understanding comes from having been there yourself and maybe others can't put themselves in others shoes and think a bit of evening classes will fix it, and as we know it doesn't.

I like my yard stick. It developed because I have limited free time and limited funds and just got so fed up of wasting one of my precious free days and spare 20 pounds on a random man from online who I didn't even like as a person.

My time and money can be spent in far better ways.

I didn't quite realise that it would mean I date so little because of it, but it's better than sitting across the table from Someone who I can't stand.

I hear you. I will value what i learnt online dating but i regret how much i spent on babysitters trying to be free. Kids abit older now. I could have taken us on the holiday of a lifetime probably!

Blinkingecksake, there is a lot to be said for counselling. I had therapy after an abusive marriage and a series of abusive relationships and disastrous attempts at OLD. My whole view of who is right for me and the qualities I look for in a partner have COMPLETELY changed because I finally know myself a bit better.

It is good to know that you are not ready, I think that is almost more important than knowing when you are ready.

Op I know where you are coming from , yes it's easy to fill your time up with activities and friends but bloody lonely and cold at 3am alone in bed or 11 pm for that last few mins convo about the day , tomorrow , where your going in life etc , I spent over 10 years alone and know exactly where you are coming from , I missed having someone at home and walking in to a lit house , sharing breakfast , housework , putting someone else's considerations into the daily mix up we call life
I started to think I would never meet a new partner yet when you least expect it someone comes along ... don't give up hope and keep your standards , Mr Right is out there somewhere

Yes i value the psychotherapy i had so much. If i were in a tolerable average marriage i wouldnt have sought it out and i would understand far less. (Family dynamics)

But now im ready im too old!

Being with not-so-DH has destroyed me completely. I wish I had stayed single, maintained my independence, career, sense of self and well, everything. Being single is better than a destructive, emotionally abusive relationship.

velvetspoon
"And when we met, I was looking for a relationship. That was what I wanted. I wanted something that you can't get from DC or friends. I wanted someone to care about me, and who I could care about. A companion. Someone who would be on my side, listen to me. Be interested in me. "
This made me cry. this is what I thought a relationship would be about. It's so basic isn't it?

forgettingnames that is probably what we all want isn't it. It is a shame that it so often doesn't happen in relationships. I had 20 years of relationships where it didn't happen & so being single became preferable. I hope that has changed now.

I get it too, totally get it. I find myself looking at couples and wonder what the secret is. What have they done differently to me, am I flawed in some way. It’s hard when you hear people say they do not understand why I’m single... neither do I. Then I look back on my dating and relationship history and regret not giving certain guys chances because if I did maybe I wouldn’t be in the position I am in today.... and so it goes. But I will never regret being a good women to the wrong man.... his loss (i’ve stolen that saying from Instagram!)

Great post by VelvetSpoon and she is 100% right to say it’s luck and chance... nothing to do with looks, personality or how much you put yourself out there.... pure luck.

I really hope you all eventually find your missing piece.... I’ll never give up hoping.

So many heartfelt emotions. I want to say thank you to people for being so honest.

I think hope is a good thing, along with a pinch of realism.

I will keep on hoping but plan like it isn't going to happen.

I'm nice. At some point someone else has to think so to.

I think it's really good some of you have had counselling. Without a doubt i should have had some, instead I dated a lot and figured out what I was and wasn't looking for, which is probably why I'm more focused on personality and qualities rather than heights. And I'm also happy with who I am which is why I am not willing to go on random dates for no reason because I value my time/ money/ self worth.

Still lonely though.

I did both, and tbh, before dating there were things I understood in theory but I hadn't really really integrated them until after I was ''dumped'' (yes!)

But although I was dumped repeatedly I always felt FINE within 72 hours because it was never the loss of the man who dumped me that saddened me, it was the process.

I understand that too!
Any upset isn't about the man but more about the process/ hope being dashed/ knowing you have to start again and that wasn't it.

'''Being with not-so-DH has destroyed me completely. I wish I had stayed single, maintained my independence, career, sense of self and well, everything. Being single is better than a destructive, emotionally abusive relationship.'''

Having been in an abusive relationship I know exactly where you're coming from! when I escaped I felt such relief every night to get in to a bed with nobody else in it! But that is a boundary that protects you.
I believe rightly or wrongly that ten years later when you want to be with somebody that is because you've forgotten, forgiven, let it go, healed, learnt, lived! It's normal to want to connect with somebody but I do remember when I wanted a new partner like I wanted a hole in the head! I do remember feeling a rush of relief that I had the bed and my life all to myself, but I have yet to meet anybody who has continued to feel that way for over ten years. But I learn something new every day!

Nothing useful to add, just wanted to say me too....have been on my own more or less non-stop for 16 years after two emotionally abusive relationships I allowed to go on for too long because I didn't think I could cope alone (& had children in each case).

It's complicated by my having social anxiety, so "putting myself out there" to meet anyone at all, not just potential romantic partners, hasn't worked even in terms of making friends on the rare occasions I dare give it a try. I live in a place that doesn't have OLD and wouldn't dare try it if it did. Most of my few acquaintances are bright, accomplished long-term-single (not by choice) women.

Another problem is being artsy, so of the few people I know there are only two straight men, neither remotely suitable.

I did meet someone by chance a couple of years ago and we had a long-distance thing for a while but after being very keen at first he got more and more distant and kind of faded away without ever explaining what the problem was. Which has made me feel even more shit about myself and even less hopeful of meeting anyone.

I get it too, I was single for 3 years in my late 20s and although I had a great life; friends, own flat, good job, I started to get a bit lonely and empty towards the end.

Even though most of us didn't have kids, they were in a couple and younger friends still enjoyed clubbing, drinking etc which I started to get bored of..

Apparently you can also do FWB but I always feel they're an urban myth.

Totally agree with this Velvetspoon. Where does the friends part come, anyway? And if you have a friendship + sex, isn't that a relationship? It's just a bullshit way of men getting sex with no strings and women thinking they're getting something out of it. [bitter]

Great posts cest

I can relate so well and love the good woman to a wrong man comment.

I think it could be very valuable in my recovering from a hellish, infuriating, life-sucking 15 years.

Agree with those who are taking the 'rejection' on OLD in their stride. I think it's the only way to keep sane.

Maybe I'll dip my toe back in again later in the year. I'm just so confused and overwhelmed generally, ergo a bad bet for a healthy relationship, which is what I want.