Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

[Quiddichcup]

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

She can find love. People have got married, had babies, split up, found someone and got 're married and I'm still sat here on my own wondering how. 🤣

Dozy- so much agreement for what you just said.

Velvet- you know its sods law she will be single for all of 2 minutes!

yes, my x got a second chance. He's happy with a childfree woman so he went from threatening to go for full custody [ha ha never changed a nappy ] to settling quite nicely in to his new life and I can't say I blame him, it must be nice. I'm not jealous of her. I'm not jealous of him either per se because I know I have a humanity that he could never have and when our children are adults I'll be richer [boak] but my world view was a little unsettled by the reality that a man who was abusive to you, set out to destroy you in court in fact (although things have settle in to civility now) he got his second chance. I've dealt with the injustice of it. That is behind me. I'm dealing with the very practical reality now

Tiz good to talk indeed

For Valentine's Day last year, my sister sent me a meme that said "even Hitler had a girlfriend. You are literally less desirable than Hitler".
How the hell did [insert awful person here] have a partner, and I don't?? I'm nice, I really am! I have no intention of going out and committing mass genocide of a whole race of people. I'm just a bit fat with two kids!!

Quid, would love a private facebook group!

So long as the name of the group isn't something that cheesytoast types would raise a pitying eyebrow at!

I may not have a bf but at least I have my dignity! ha ha.

Everything'sdozy, that's funny. 50% funny. You gorra larf.

Hi OP, have you tried the paid dating sites (like Match)? I find those ones better as it filters out the men just looking for 'fun'. I hate first dates and the first part of a relationship. I tend to love the ground in, settled down with each other part. To be honest, if i had based my relationship decisions on a first date then i'd probably always stay single. It's easy to end up sweeping people aside based on such superficial things, as that's all you know about them at the time. I think you need to give a person 3 dates each (unless of course they really are awful). It allows you to start seeing the real person and that's usually far better than the first date version, which a lot of us don't do well at!

I'm only suggesting OLD again for you because as much as you say you're fed up with it, you obviously aren't happy being single either. You will absolutely find someone if you go in with a more open mind, rather than a list of dos/donts that each man must abide by to reach a second date.

Dozy- you are funny 😆. I know it's not going to help you feel better , but know I just proper laughed.

I've done match, I've had some of my worst experinces from that site, and paid for the pleasure of it too!

I'm not discarding a long list of lovely men. I don't get much interest any more and refuse to go out with wankers, and it doesn't seem to leave any standing.

Fb groups.... I'll do one this afternoon. I'll make it secret so no one can find it unless the link is sent. Ideas for names appreciated 😊

And paid sites do not filter any one just looking for ' fun '

They dont. Huge myth that they will be more serious about finding someone.

I'm on match. It definitely doesn't filter out the ones looking for "fun".
A guy I had recently struck up a conversation with said to me "you know what I want, are you going to do anything about it?" To which I replied "probably not", so he said "bye then"
I also got told I would look good tied to someone's bed and then he sent me a picture of his handcuffs.

I also find that on OLD, even the ones who aren't super good looking or God's gift to women are still holding out for the most beautiful women. Look buddy, if I have to settle for someone with this face of mine, then so do you!

I sometimes want to make a man profile to check out the women that are on there. Sort of scope out the competition.

OP I read the first 5 pages here and I was wondering if some posters had lost their empathy filter. Of course it must be lonely for you.

The reason I wanted to chime in though was that I went travelling in many moons ago and everywhere I went people went to bars on there own. I realised that I could do this abroad but never at home, so I thought and then I thought to myself why not. And so I did, I picked bars with live music in them, I sat at the bar, I enjoyed myself and I met new people everytime I went. The reason I suggest that is because I still think pubs are great spots to meet people, people go in there to have company and are more likely to randomly chat having being socially lubricated by alcohol. If you go to the same spots regularly you will meet new people and maybe have an opportunity to meet a partner there. I think it is worth doing if you an get the babysitting time.

Classy. So very classy 😆

Is there any reason you don't want to give this guy 3 dates to see the real him?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

In a fug of feeling sorry for myself last weekend i nearly signed up for match again. I had blocked all previous attempts from my frazzled brain and then as my finger hovered over the subscribe button, I came to my senses and realised I didn't want to pay 20 pounds a month for 6 months to have men literally run away from me. And yes, that did actually happen once.

Oh I could never go in a pub on my own. There isn't a sort of local place like that and I would feel hugely vulnerable/ pretty scared to be a bit drunk in town by myself.

I hadn't even gone on a date with "bye then"!! (I did go on a date with Mr Grey but this was before the fifty shades revelation).

People keep telling me it's "a numbers game". Well yes, because £40 for a babysitter is a high number, particularly if I'm paying it out hundreds of times to go on dates with men who buy me one Diet Coke!

I did go to something on my own. But nobody else had turned up alone and nobody talked to me.

I went on a citybreak on my own. But although it made me feel braver and prouder of myself than I'd felt for a long time, Id only do it again to recharge the bravery bar, I enjoyed it 'well enough' but .......... going to things alone and going away alone is something I do not for enjoyment but to keep myself brave. I didn't NOT enjoy the citybreak though.

I joined a pay site once ages ago and the men seemed the most entitled. They'd PAID! They may have been 53 and covered in acne scars but they were going to message 30 year olds because they'd paid 100 euro for this service!!

I find the volume of messages much higher on the free sites. I didn't notice any difference in the quality of the men I went out with. So I suppose I weed out the weirdos myself.

There was one man I met through the paid site but looking back he had an anxiously avoidant attachment style. He'd had therapy but not enough. I liked him and wish he could have been my FRIEND

If it's numbers my odds should mean I'm a huge winner. I used to date an awful lot as I did really believe it to be true. I think I must have been at the over 100 dates.

I had a run of truly awful dates and then slept with a man on the 4th date who became nasty immediately after sex and I came home and vowed to myself that i would now only go on dates if I wanted to meet them and was interested in them as a person. And I've been one one date in nearly 3 years. My bar got raised and no man ( on dating sites) comes close.

I do meet men in real life whom I would date so i know they exist.

Una, that is brave, and a huge deal. I can do things in my own, as time has gone on I don't force myself to do things I know I won't enjoy as I know ill come home and feel worse about myself.

Everythingsdozy, I've scoped out the competition. I was depressed!

I wasn't necessarily less attractive than the average woman on line but I was less blonde, less hour glass, less .........approachable?

I thought I looked like the people pleaser that I used to be.

I changed my profile picture to one of myself with my hands out, palms facing the camera. Big smile (even though my instinct would be to hide my teeth).

Can't say that mr right's message is in my inbox! but I feel my profile is less apologetic than it used to be.

I also took all the cliches out of my profile. I'm an ambivert etc.

95% of the men don't read your profile though!

I'm not saying it eliminates the men looking for fun, just that it cuts down on numbers! That was my experience anyway.

I was on Match for 6 months after my 7 year relationship ending. I went on dates with around 10 different men, a lot of which were a bit weird. But i found a good one and it's now been 4 years with him and a baby on the way. It's very hard to keep motivated when there are a lot of undesirables on there, but i do believe there's a handful of gems around. You just gotta get through the bad ones to get to them.

Oh Una, that's no good!! What are the women on there like?? I just assumed they'd all be mediocre looking women, because all the beautiful, slim, intelligent ones I know are all taken.
I only really speak to the ones who I know have read my profile and when I send a message first, I make sure I add something that shows I've read theirs.

Thanks quid I felt brave! tbh it brought out some funny conversations with my mother. She knew I was in lorca to visit a school friend but when I told her that in addition to that i'd be spending two nights in a hotel she kept saying ''but you'll be on your own''. I said yes. But I am not incapable of enjoying the bed underneath me or the pool or the sun or the food. I will still go. She kept repeating with a baffled expression ''but you'll be on your own!''. The idea of checking in to a hotel, alone, is so unfathomable to my mother! I had to say 'i guess i'm braver than you'' to get her to drop it!

I'm glad it worked for you but its just luck. If I've been on 10x more dates than you have, at a conservative guess, by rights I should be shacked up with mr perfect match.

I'm always messing about changing profile pictures to see if it makes any difference. I'm mostly not on any sites now , but say I 're join pof for a few days I'll then look through the men on there and realise thete isn't anyone l want to get a message from anyway!

It is impressive una.

I've had a busy week and did some long distance driving. I said to dd how many other women did she know who would do that, and she couldn't think of any, neither could I and mum couldn't believe it and certainly wouldn't either. ( not quite the same as going away on my own I know)

Oh I could never go in a pub on my own.

I totally understand that. It was very daunting at the start.

I would feel hugely vulnerable/ pretty scared to be a bit drunk in town by myself.

Yes I definitely wouldn’t be suggesting getting drunk for the reasons you suggest. A couple of drinks and many soda waters and lime later though I was fine. Anyway I totally get it might not be for everyone. Best of luck I hope the situation changes for you.

Just a quick reply as dashing out but just had to say was laughing out loud at the travelling stuff. They all travel and have photos of themselves in the gym and on a ski slope. So depressingly unoriginal!! And clearly too much time on their hands 😂 and loved the comment about saving for a year for a caravan break. Same!! Deffo up for some sort of group 👍🏻