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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else sometimes find being single utterly soul destroying.

311 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/04/2018 10:47

Ive been single for nearly a decade. Add on a couple of half and half years before that too and it's nearly 13 years.

Most of the time I'm fine but I find it more and more upsetting that when I do try to put myself out there it's so awful that i can only see running back to the safety of my own isolation as the only option.

In the last two days ive been hit on by a married man in real life. Another in real life who I thought we had a date next week, mess me about so much that i cancelled and told him never to contact me again. And someone from online dating ask me out and then confess he wasn't at all over his ex wife, so I declined the date as it would be a total waste of my time.

In some way it feels self inflicted, If I had lower standards I could have gone out with any of these men, but I deserve and want more.

But wanting more has lead me to bring single for so long.

I know it's not the end of the world but any kind of relationship feels so out of reach.

OP posts:
crunchtime · 07/04/2018 11:44

Please forgive me for adding my inexperienced twopennorth. Those people who have posted with no empathy have shocked me.
I haven't been single for a long time but when I was it sucked. I hated weekends...I could literally go from Friday night to Monday morning talking to noone.

No experience of online dating. Are the newspaper ones any better? Like the guardian soul mates? Or private eye?

My only other thing to add is that a friend left her marriage a couple of years ago and she has got involved in the local dance scene. She does jive, salsa etc and has met loads of people....including men. I went to a party she threw and it was teeming with blokes! All 40/45 + plus though. She goes on lots of group holidays etc
However her son is late teens which gives her more freedom.
Anyway...much sympathy. Online dating sounds hideous.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 11:52

It is, which is why I mostly don't do it.

Thank you for your post though. I think age of children makes a huge difference. Dd was 4 months when my husband left me , and the nearly 3 when we split up for good. So I've been single and working through the no freedom to even have a wee on your own stage. She's almost a teen now so I know in 3 or 4 years things will be easier, hopefully.

The newspaper type ones depend very much on where you live. I do not live in a big city, so they might have maybe 5 men in a 10 year age span in a 20 mile radius.

OP posts:
cheeriosandcornflakes · 07/04/2018 12:54

I've enjoyed reading this thread and nodding along to a lot of it, especially things like having to make the effort to arrange a social life and nobody else seems to or you don't get invites back. Plus the 'I can't do that night now as dh is working late' or whatever, no offence to them but they just don't get it that you don't have that other parent on hand any of the time.

For me it's been a process of picking myself up, being proactive with arrangements, solo trips, evening classes and so on, then getting knocked back a few times, picking up and starting again, rinse and repeat. It just gets wearing after a while, particularly when parenting because there's a lot of looking out for others needed but no nurturing or attention for you. And it does feel like something you can't speak about.
Yes please to a group from me Smile fab idea

cheeriosandcornflakes · 07/04/2018 12:56

And yy to seeing your ex remarrying and having a fairly plain sailing life, and to seeing friends who've got divorced and remarried in the time you've been single Grin all sounds familiar

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 13:01

Dd isn't going to her dad's till a bit later now so give me an hour and I'll set it up.
At least we can all chat and be understanding and maybe share ups and downs.

I'll say when I've set it up and if anyone is interested you can message me for the link

:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 13:09

Ah, I need to add a person to be able to set the group up.
Does anyone mind messaging me on here so I can add you on fb and then I can create the group.

Thanks

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 07/04/2018 14:17

I'm not on Facebook,any other way I can help?

MrsSugarman · 07/04/2018 15:19

Reading this thread with interest. Have also been single a while and struggle with the loneliness a lot. For me the biggest problem I have found with online dating, is that many of these men have absolutely nothing to say! I mean, even if you get past the fact they are 45 and living at home with mummy still, I still want there to be a personality of some sort.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 15:32

I’m with you. It is not desperation to find someone or not having a life. I have a very full life, plenty of interests, very good friends, a demanding job and hardly anytime on my own. I don’t need to learn to be on my own, I know how to do that and how to around myself with people when I feel like it.

I still miss having some homely regularity like having someone to talk to about the day at night, someone to care for, give a hug in the morning and do those little day to day things with that mean a lot when you are on your own.

Honestly, I’m not desperate, just bored. But being on my own has meant that I am now very strong and independent, don’t take any shit from anyone and I like things my way, which means I am not exactly dating material. There is so much flakeyness in OLD that I just get bored and loose interest.

ICESTAR · 07/04/2018 16:21

Meet up.com do social groups for people with families and kids. If you put in your local area, you may find groups near you. Who knows you might meet a few single dads there or meet some new mum friends who may know some single people for you.

crunchtime · 07/04/2018 16:32

gingerbread do social stuff for single parents too i think

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 17:01

I agree with you MrsSugarman, plenty of manchildren, plenty of can’t-care-less if they tried dads, plenty of people so damaged they can relax enough to trust you are not meeting them for their money or have 100s of other men hiding in a cupboard. OLD when you are around 50, is not the same animal as when you are in your thirties or early forties. (Apart of the very keen men that are at least 15 years older than you, that’s the same... but far more depressing)

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/04/2018 17:02

... they can’t relax enough...

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 17:20

It is totally just being bored. So much that people are saying resonates with me.

Meet up and gingerbread vary wildly depending on area. One is awful in my area and the other doesn't exist. Neither is going to give me a good snog 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 17:36

Ok
Group is all set up- just me and Mrs sugarman at the moment.

If you fancy it, then send me a message and I can add you. It's set up as a secret group on fb so it can't be searched for and no one can see you are in it.

I guess it's just for chat like this without having to explain yourself, with people who understand. Maybe share ups and downs with, what ever you want really.

OP posts:
ICESTAR · 07/04/2018 17:59

That might be true but it also might not be. Wink
I can't speak for ginger bread but I do know that meetup does all kinds of groups. All kinds of interests and lots of different kinds of people to meet. Also takes the pressure off of just total dates. I guess I just wanted to suggest somewhere for you to meet someone that wasn't strictly tied to online dating. Have you tried an old fashioned dating service? They've been mentioned on here a few times so must still have quite a few people using them. Online dating isn't for everyone. From what I've read on here it's a minefield. I think lonliness is a horrible thing to feel like and I hope you meet your mister right soon. Flowers

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 18:08

Meet up is not good here, I am envious of people who have decent ones.

OP posts:
seventh · 07/04/2018 18:10

@Quiddichcup

Totally get you

UnaMagdalena · 07/04/2018 18:52

I might try an old fashioned dating agency. It'd be interesting to TRY it. If they tell me that they can only fix me up with overweight men of 5'5 in their late 50s ill tell them i have already got it covered thanks.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 19:12

😂

I know a lady who actually worked for an old fashioned dating agency. She was single at the time and said she was hoping to maybe meet some nice men.

She said she met loads of great, funny, interesting and attractive women and a few very odd men.
She quit after a few years.

OP posts:
Sosog00d · 07/04/2018 19:44

OMG our local meet up 'Socialising for the over 40's' has people in it who MUST be well into their 70's.
I think there is a world of difference in outlook etc between someone of my age 42, and someone in their 70's. Thats not to say they wouldnt be god craic on a night out, but jeez.

Im not on FB so will have to vicariously imagine how the group progresses.

Una and Quid et al - ive not laughed as much in a while (wry laughter of course)

Whats with the profile/selfie pics of blokes taken from chest level towards their face so that they have a couple of extra chins and one can see up their nose?? Again, jeeeezzzzz

Wine all round i think....

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 19:49

It is Saturday, so why not!

I've just eaten half an Easter egg. Diet starts again Monday!!

I did some swiping on tinder.....just to see. Matched with someone who asks if my dds dad is going to come after him with a knife.
I'm lost for words.
Again

7 days on my own is a more attractive prospect than him.

OP posts:
AliBongoBoo · 07/04/2018 20:03

@Quiddichcup, delurking here for the first time in years! I was widowed in 2012, and finished an unsatisfactory relationship at the start of the year. Who knew there were so many different ways different men could be abusive?!!

I joined a local Facebook singles group and immediately received three friend requests from men I hadn't even been messaging, let alone met. Confused The newsfeed was full of daft memes and banter posted by the same three people. So I left... Heaven knows what I'll find if I dip my toes into OLD!

I have sociable hobbies, and almost grown up children but at the end of the day, everyone goes back to their other halves. Most people are coupled up. Weekends are pretty dire. And I've done a LOT of organising of events. So much so that friends will notice and comment. But do they reciprocate? No. Except one, when she's free - bless her.

I'll pm you as this group sounds right up my street. Thank you, Quiddichcup x (sorry, that was a bit unmumsnetty...Grin)

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 07/04/2018 20:26

Ah. I'm really pleased you de- lurked.

😊
Not pleased of how things are for you but its good we can talk about it I think.

OP posts:
EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 22:00

Ooh I would like the info for the group but I don't know how to chat on here! 🤦🏼‍♀️