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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bring on the Spring Flings. It's Dating Thread 132!

999 replies

VetOnCall · 02/04/2018 22:56

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Chocolate123 · 22/04/2018 18:00

Pam I'd never assume they are not seeing anyone. Unless you've had the chat of exclusivity most think they can do what they like.

RunsforCake14 · 22/04/2018 18:48

Love he showed me his Instagram account and his work was amazing. All the spiritual stuff left me a bit cold though. But the way he spoke was very off-putting. I had to keep asking him to repeat himself because I couldn't follow what he was saying. If communication had been better then it would've been a better date.

Good to hear your date was ok, although talk of guns does sound boring. But at least you got out in the sunshine.

Pam you need to have the exclusive chat, never assume anything. Just say that you're not seeing anyone else and have deleted your dating profile and ask that he does the same.

My date this afternoon bailed on me. I had a feeling that he would. We've been chatting on and off for a while so I know a bit about his past and sort of understand why he would get cold feet. It's the second time he's done this to me and I know I should walk away but I quite like him. He sends me little video clips when he goes out for a walk.
I sent him a message saying I was angry with him for messing me around and that he had a week to decide what he wanted. He's been very apologetic but we'll see what happens.

TomHardysBitontheside · 22/04/2018 19:18

Pam I would definitely have the exclusive chat, especially as you've now had quite a few dates.

Val I don't know if there are any normal men out there. I've yet to meet one via OLD. They've all had "issues" in some shape or form. I hate the whole lovebombing thing. Now I've been through it I can see it a mile off.

Runs so sorry to hear your date was cancelled. Has he had decent reasons each time he cancelled? I do think some men just like the chat sometimes. I'd be very wary of arranging anything else, but if you do like him it's difficult to just walk away.

Mr Punk keeps whatsapping me, although I've told him I don't want a relationship with him and cancelled our date last week. He's asked to see me next weekend. I've said I'll let him know. I haven't got the heart to block him, but he's becoming quite draining.

Mr Academic is away so no contact for two days. His contact is often sporadic so I'm not worried. I decided to message him today though and sent him a link I thought he'd like. I also said I hoped we could meet again soon. I knows it's not what WMLB would advise, but I want him to know I'd like to see him.

Pamelaaa · 22/04/2018 19:41

Thanks ladies. Yes I will have that chat. Do you think face to face is better or by text would be ok?

RunsforCake14 · 22/04/2018 20:00

TomHardy he said he was very busy but agreed to a quick drink. So I think he backed out partly because he's got a lot going on and partly that he got cold feet. I've given him a deadline now. A week to decide or I'm walking away.
I've got plenty of others offers but for some reason I like Mr Flakey more.

TomHardysBitontheside · 22/04/2018 20:10

That's good you've given him a deadline runs. If he really likes he will agree to meet. Are you also going to try and limit contact? Playing games isn't a good thing, but maybe if he realises you're not at his beck and call he might step up a bit.

It's hard though when you really like someone, but you deserve so much better than a flakey iron. Let us know what happens.

Bant · 22/04/2018 20:36

Pam - as others have said, unless you’ve had the discussion and agreement on exclusivity, then it’s best to assume you’re not exclusive. People think they can do whatever they like because, in reality, they can.

The thing here is to have the (admittedly awkward) conversation in person.

Say you got an alert on tinder that someone wanted to chat and you just weren’t interested in them, so you thought you’d delete your profile and the app. But that made you want to check you were on the same page - would he be willing to do that too as it’s been five dates in three months, but you see that as something you want to concentrate on.

And watch his reaction. If he’s hesitant, it means he won’t do it. If he blusters, it means he’ll probably go back online. Ideally he’ll say he’s already done it, or that of course, he’d assumed exclusivity too, so he’ll do it now.

Online dating is like a sweet shop. People know they can find a new date fairly soon, so they compare and contrast and if you have an argument, some will jump straight back into it.

Even on here, people say they have multiple irons in the fire, are dating several men at the same time, even in some cases sleeping with one and still dating others. It’s not exclusively male behaviour, it’s just modern dating. The old rules still apply though. Say you want exclusivity, watch how he reacts, if he won’t do it then dump him. If he hesitates then take a big step back emotionally and decide whether you want to continue with him.

RunsforCake14 · 22/04/2018 20:44

TomHardy he sent a few (poss too many) apologetic messages saying he still wants to meet me and he really likes me. Sounds a bit love-bombing but in context it wasn't.
Anyway I read them so he could see I'd read them but didn't reply. That was this afternoon. This evening I messaged to say I wasn't ignoring him, just hadn't got anything to say in reply. And repeated that he has a week to make up his mind.

Bant · 22/04/2018 21:00

Why did he bail, Runs? Because he was too busy?

I understand your deadline, but people are who people are. If he’s someone who will cancel meeting because he’s busy, then giving him a week to get him to change his ways and become less busy won’t change him long term.

It may make him concentrate on you for a few weeks but he’ll go back to being someone who prioritises other stuff over you. I think he’s shown you who he is, and you can’t realistically expect him to change.

RunsforCake14 · 22/04/2018 21:15

Bant it wasn't just that he was busy but I can't go into details of what he said he has going on at the moment - family stuff, work stuff and other things. And an imminent deadline to get things sorted.

However, I agree that he may be like this all the time. I'm going no contact with him for the week to give him time to sort things out.
In the meantime I've got plenty of other possibilities so I'm not going to worry too much if I never hear from him again.

TomHardysBitontheside · 22/04/2018 21:16

Runs I'd say the all is very much in his court now. I'd take a big step back, just be unavailable and wait and see what happens. Bant makes a good point though. He may change his behaviour for a while, but possibly not long term. I'd be very wary since he's already cancelled twice now. You said you've had lots of interest on POF, didn't you? So go and start talking to the others. You might end up being pleasantly surprised.

Chocmallows · 22/04/2018 21:23

I had a phone chat with Mr Cute last night, thought we wanted different things. Thanks to Matthew Hussy videos I was clear in what I was looking for and what I could see (interesting, fun and cute), and couldn't see (effort in communication about dates and signs of real interest). He said he was keen so met today (date 3) and really good date. He was far more open and date planned for next week.

Thanks for the recommendations on here for Matthew Hussy!

Catmatrat · 22/04/2018 21:59

Hi

Was chatting to a guy on POF, good chat, long messages but he asked for my number so we could use WhatsApp instead and now barely anything, he just wants me to talk. Do you think it was a case of it was the thrill of getting a phone number?

He also told me his surname (I didn’t ask for it) but we’ve somehow become linked via Facebook possibly through the phone numbers and his surname on Facebook is different.

Are any of these red flags?

Chocmallows · 22/04/2018 22:04

Cat he just wants you to talk - but you don't have to. Be brief and ask him open questions.
The surname thing would put me right off him tbh. Why would he have two surnames?

Bant · 22/04/2018 22:10

People can be careful about what they put on Facebook these days, but.. that is a bit suspicious.

I’ve got a question for the thread massive..

Someone wanted to chat this weekend. She asked me on Friday if we could chat on Saturday. Saturday I whatsapped her, she didn’t reply for several hours, until late last night, and then it was monosyllabic.

Today she asked if I wanted to chat several hours ago, I said yes I’d like to, and she said ‘soon’ and she’d text me. Then nothing for three hours.

I mean, people have responsibilities and lives and stuff. I do. But I can’t help thinking ‘flaky’

pudding21 · 22/04/2018 22:27

Bant Yes, very flaky. I am a busy girl, I can still find the time to chat, especially if I have told you I had time to chat. Just sounds weird. Let her chase a bit if she wants.

pudding21 · 22/04/2018 22:30

catmattrat I have friends that don't use their real surnames on facebook. The odd one not many , for example i have a friend that is called Johnny B Good, he is Portuguese, that is not his name ;) The thing that I would find odd is he told you his surname (in what context was that?) so soon. I have been chatting to a french guy for ages (and met him), I only know his surname cos I did a bit of digging and it was linked to his instagram, he I don't think knows my surname either.

Bant · 22/04/2018 22:33

I’m fairly happy to tell someone my surname though. Even fairly early on. Women can be hesitant and nervous with online dating, and I’ve got nothing to hide, so I’m quite free with disclosing it once I know they’re a real person and not a scammer.

If I like them and they’re not weird and flaky, of course.

Lostlily · 22/04/2018 23:13

So....would you adam and eve it...Mr Headfuck only went and took me away as promised for the weekend and couldn't have been more lovely. We had just a gorgeous time and lots of talking and he was more affectionate than he has ever been...(he is not affectionate normally at all). He said that he admits he is a commitment phobe and really struggles with this as he was so very unhappy in his marriage for many years. He also said that he is not as attentive and full on as he was last time we dated because ..as he put it "you fucked off for two months" ! ...which I did, because I felt he was so unpredictable and he had upset me. But I am incredibly attracted to him....always have been...and the sex Shock never been better

Anyways, here I am thinking this over and over and relishing in what lovely time I've had and maybe I just need to be patient because he is definitely making so much more effort to be there for me and open with me ....
THEN Mr bloody Smiley who I dated for a few weeks whilst I 'fucked off' from Mr headfuck, has been messaging me all day saying how he misses me and wishes things had worked out and wanted to see me and would do anything to get me back ffs!!!

Catmatrat · 23/04/2018 06:41

I asked him and he said he uses his middle name for FB. He does something outside of work that would probably mean he wouldn’t want to be able to be searched tbh.

How long do people usually give to ask on a date? I’m wary of chit chatting for weeks then we meet and it falls flat. He mentioned it last night but it was nothing concrete.

DaffoDeffo · 23/04/2018 06:47

Think lots of people for work reasons have different names on Facebook. A few of my friends have this (especially teachers!). But I would think it was odd for him not to explain as Facebook does do that (link by phone number!). I would ask!

I had a lovely weekend with MrG but I am a bit worried he is a lot posher than me. I know if I raised this with him he would say don't worry about it . My job makes it look like I am like him but I'm much more working class made good and one of my dcs is v sarf larndan! Shouldn't be an issue but I know these things can seem not problematic at first then develop. Sigh.

pam - I would have the exclusive conversation face to face

DaffoDeffo · 23/04/2018 06:49

Sorry cat cross posted with you. I would move it quickly to a date as you're right, you need to meet. Chatting is too easy and you end up being pissed off if you get emotionally involved and then meet up and it's shit!

lost there are so many red flags in that post! Mr head fuck sounds exactly what he is and I can see why you are drawn to him but omg be careful. Wouldn't want you to get hurt!

Jaxinthebox · 23/04/2018 06:51

bant yes flaky - let her contact you.
choc welcome, Matthew Hussey has been great.

pudding how you doing?
lost Mr headfuck is still going to fuck with your head - but only if you let him. Dont over invest, despite the great sex and lust Grin Mr SMiley, well if he wants you back, and will do anything, let him. Why did you and him not work out? That is important.

So, Ive been chatting to a guy for a few days, we spoke on the phone last night for a long time and I do like him. We know mutual people from around the UK and world, its quite strange, have lots in common but are polar opposite in many ways. Not sure but interesting.

Im looking forward to my date with MrFrench - I want to know his surname so I can do a bit more digging. I know where he lives, where he works etc and know he isnt married.

He is nice, sweet and hot, a little shy and seems perfect on paper and from what we have chatted about.
Im nervous, more nervous than I have been to go on previous dates. I fear I will screw it up! I need to watch Matthew Hussey on repeat. Any tips would be welcome.

Catmatrat · 23/04/2018 07:08

Would it be weird for me to ask him? I’ve already told him I think it’s best to get meeting ‘over and done with’ lol for reasons mentioned above so should I wait for him to ask me or just ask if he’s free next weekend? Xx

Lovemusic33 · 23/04/2018 08:30

cat I would arrange a date sooner rather than later, best to get it out of the way early so you don’t get attached before you meet, makes it harder when you meet and don’t click.

I have woken up with a faint love bite on my neck Angry, I’m not happy, I have a important meeting with professionals at 10am. I mark really easily, I now feel like a dirty teenager.