Bring on the Spring Flings. It's Dating Thread 132!

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

thenewphase I always move it quickly to a meeting. The long term chatting does no one any favours. I don't think it matters that you are doing it and it doesn't mean you are responsible. You can say something along the lines of 'do you fancy meeting for a coffee or a drink after work one day?' and then let them take the lead if that's what you like. You're just dangling the carrot rather than taking the responsibility.

and I should say lostlily even if you are geographically close, I think that issue is the same issue (what happens next). Just means the geographical closeness means you can potentially see each other more than once a week.

Thenew if they say “what are you up to this weekend/tonight?” you could reply “why, were you going to ask me for a date?”
Or “so when are you going to ask me for a date?” maybe, if you’re feeling bold/frustrated.

I used to give them a week and if they hadn’t asked just let things slide (ie not reply. Bad me)

I feel a bit of a fraud posting in here when I’m not actively dating, but I found a couple of photos in my deleted folder that’s reminded me why....

coverme how you feeling with the hiatus? Ready to get back on it soon or happy to stay away on a break?

Keep posting, i miss your posts ;)

Thanks dado and cover. I will take you advice and try that on my two conversationalist irons. Nothing to loose!

pudding
He is Mr headfuck because we got very close very quick....and we booked an escape over xmas and he got unwell and cancelled it, then went all distant on me. I was very upset and spent xmas alone. I think he got huge case of cold feet!
We kind of got things back on track but I got tired of the distance etc and ended it a couple of months ago. He then continued to message (in a nice, no pressure, but I do really like you and want you kind of way) and I dated others but I couldn't get him out of my head.

Oh god...he really suits his name lol I think he will break my heart

Lost sorry but I think your right, he will break your heart, the sensible thing would be to break away from him, cut contact and block , it might hurt a little but not half as much as it will if things carry on and he continues to mess with your head. I think sometimes these type of people attract us more, we know we deserve better but we become fixated on the one we know will probably break us.

love I know!
I don't even have to ask you all....I know the answer.

Lostlily do you think you will block him or see what happens?

costa
I think i will just not contact him... let him do all the chasing and see if he does/what he does. He knows I am very cautious this time and I don’t
feel as lovestruck as I did last time because I am just in a better place emotionally than I was last autum when we met. I haven’t bothered with my OLD profiles they are still hidden because I can’t be arsed.
I occasionally look at Bumble but nothing catches my eye and I need to get this guy out of my system before anyone else stands a chance to be fair

I understand the temptation to just not contact him, lost - but you’ll be wanting him to, and then getting excited when and if he does.

And If he does, then you’ll secretly see that as some sign of commitment from him, that he cares enough about you to get in touch. That must mean he likes you, right?
And because you’ve told him how you feel, he wouldn’t get in touch unless he was able to meet your emotional needs.

And then that must mean that he’s willing to change and give you all the stuff that he wouldn’t offer before, and maybe, just maybe it might mean he’s willing to commit.

And of course on his side he’s thinking ‘I quite fancy a shag.’ And that is all.

Going no contact allows you to take control of the level of contact, otherwise you’re just leaving the door open to being let down again. That’s the only way to get him out of your system. Distance and time, not playing hard to get

bant you are completely right! I asked lost as I'm in the same position myself and everytime he reappears every few weeks, exactly as Bant said, I get excited and kid myself that this time might be different as he wouldn't get in touch if he didn't care about me right. And so far it never has been. Why can't I just block him!!

Lost - I think what pudding said in her post a while back was very valuable advice. If you're going to do this, go into it with your eyes wide open. Is it entirely likely you might get hurt? Yes. Is it worth it to you? Are you willing to take the risk that he's just using you for sex and will disappear the minute things get tough? Will you learn something from it? Are you willing to say that the good times you might have will be worth any heartbreak at the end? Are you more willing to try and give him the benefit of the doubt or would you rather protect yourself and go no contact?

To me this is very much like anything else in life that you know is bad for you, but you might still choose to do anyway. Smoking, junk food, never exercising, whatever. You're an adult, and you can choose to do whatever you want. But for me, the key thing is to own that decision. Go into it knowing that it might be bad for you, but thats your choice to make. Dont sugarcoat (hah) it with wishful thinking about what might happen: if the worst case scenario were actually to happen, would you be okay with that?

Pud no plans to do it again at present; I just really don’t think my guy is on there, if he even exists. Woe.

Costa I had 3 guys from the recent to the very distant past contact me within the space of a fortnight. None of them actually care about me. Wonder if I’d be up for a shag possibly (though I’d actually only had sex with one of them) and I’d ended things with 2 and one was a one off date. It really does mean fuck all or value, sorry.

Mr French has been messaging and said hed want to meet again. We haven't discussed when . I could drive down Friday night and leave Saturday morning But haven't suggested it yet as feel like pants today. He's chatty though which is cool.

lost annit has is. Own your decision, Be in control and you will be more aware of building unrealistic expectations and try avoid getting disappointed. Do what you want but own it.

So I took dafo and covers advice and have a date with MrPolice next week!!!! And totally his invitation and his arrangements - not my responsibility at all!!!! MrCharm has not responded yet but I feel better for drawing a line!

Thank you all. Now just have to hope date actually happens!

ooft guys n gals - I think I dodged a seriously crazy bullet yesterday...

Had been chatting for past couple of weeks to someone and he was nice, pretty intense, but ok. Anyway, he suggested meeting up for a coffee and chat. Im really busy this week and told him so, suggested last night or Thursday evening for a coffee. We agreed late afternoon/early evening yesterday but then I realised I had a webinar training session (for work) that I had to be online for, so messaged him back apologising and saying I couldnt as I had totally forgot about it. He only went and blocked me!

mroil still chatting but he has loads to do before he gets back this weekend. I need to sit on my hands sometimes with him.

Great advise guys.
I haven't contacted him today at all and I wont.
I feel very different this time like I said, so if nothing happens....I will be more able to deal with it because my eggs are not all in one basket.
I am in the process of rebuilding my whole life and where I live and new promotion at work, I don't need heartbreak.

Well done Lost I know it can be hard, been there several times (I’m always attracted to the bad ones).

Mr Tinder sent me a message at 4am, not sure why as I was obviously in bed . Him working nights could make things tricky. I’m not sure when I am seeing him again, hopefully over the weekend depending when he’s working. At the moment he seems pretty straight forward and speaks his mind (like me) but not sure if it’s just a act. He was honest and said he wasn’t really that bothered about OLD and wasn’t that bothered about finding someone, his friend set him up a tinder account last year but he hasn’t really put much effort in to find someone due to work and moving house.

I realised this had dropped off my 'threads I'm on' list! I've had a few days holiday to use up this week so went to visit some friends. Not much to report anyway... Mr DiamondMine is still messaging pretty much daily but hasn't mentioned actually meeting again. To be fair he's been off work and pretty much bedridden with sciatica for the last couple of days, so I'm giving the benefit of the doubt until he's mobile again.

The other one, Mr Ski, asked me on Monday when I was free to meet this weekend as he was flexible, I replied that Sunday would work for me and... nothing since then. I can see on WhatsApp that he's not been online much but he has appeared a couple of times. My instinct is to tell him to do one that I've now made other plans for the weekend if/when he does finally deign to get in touch but I don't know if my instincts are too harsh and this is where I'm going wrong! Thoughts?

Lots of other messages on Tinder and POF but I'm pretty meh about most of them. Actually there are a few on Tinder who are potentially good but I've been really bad/lazy/cba about replying to them for the last few days through no fault of theirs, should really go and remedy that

Hi All, I'm a long time lurker but I would love to join in and hopefully get some of your words of wisdom,
so what do you guys make of this
Met someone online 1 month ago, we got on really well.Lots in common a couple of mutual friends. We saw each other loads in the month, on average 3 times per week. Dinner dates, coffee dates, he cooked at his for me, he came to my house, all going great. We'd message each other constantly, he works shifts so messages would go on into the wee small hours. He would message me good morning every morning. He spoke about the future, going to new places etc, he even was going to organise a weekend away in a few weeks. He assured me he wanted a future with me. I've been messed about in the past so I tried not to invest too much, but I was falling for him ( I played it cool, he knew I liked him but I didn't put pressure on him)
Then Saturday, we went to see a show, everything seemed normal. We went back to his, he seemed a bit quiet, we watched Tv (no snogs or anything, this was unusual but we chatted hels hands on sofa etc) He had been working that day, so I put it down to him being tired. I left feeling that ok he was tired but something wasn't right.
Sunday we had a few messages back and forward, but not the usual flirty fun stuff.
Roll on Monday, no good morning text, so I texted later on, again, not the same.
Then bang, that evening, I get the text "Regarding us, I think, I'll just leave it, its the old thing it's not you it's 100% me, sorry"
WTF , I messaged back asking for some explanation, reply "Its not what I'm looking for"
I know it was only 4 weeks, but it was pretty full on, more on his part, I'm shell shocked tbh
Has he just played me ?

Hi steel, sorry that happened to you but it is unfortunately common in modern dating. Obviously people can and do change their minds about people they're seeing, but it sounds like you met a classic lovebomber. If something is very intense very quickly - lots of meetings, constant messaging, immediate 'connection', lots of sex, lots of intimacy, making plans for the distant future, talk of things you're going to do months down the line, lots of 'us' talk 'you're the one' etc. etc. it's invariably a massive red flag. Actually it's a red flag convention. It's not a real connection as you don't actually know each other but it's very easy to get swept up in it all, until the lovebomber suddenly pulls the rug out and vanishes without a trace.

Google lovebombing and future faking, you'll find tons of stuff online and see that it's really not you, and it's far from just you that it happens to. You'll know what danger signs to look out for next time - stuff like this is the reason behind the 'rules' at the start of these threads.

anitt - great advice for anyone in any situation.

Thank you so much Vet, I was very wary at the start but as soon as I started to think he was genuine....bang !
I just thought with knowing mutual people (both of whom he told about me ) there was more chance of him being truthful,
I guess I'm going to have to develop a thicker skin.
You'd think once you got in to your 50's the game playing would stop
I'm off to google "lovebombing"

Thanks again for your reply x

steelchic I found this thread after the same happened to me. I was particularly low at the time too after spending a week in hopsital and a close family member's funeral. It really appeared to come out of the blue but I know what to look out for now, well I think I do anyway.