Bring on the Spring Flings. It's Dating Thread 132!

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

newyear in my experience, when people go on 2,3,4+ dates before DTD, then its more that they’ve realised they just arent
that into you when DTD happens, rather than just wanting one thing. DTD and the time time after it (in bed, cuddling etc) can make you realise you dont really like someone.

ofc some men are willing to go on dates just to get sex then ghost. i dont know if theres one set way of singling them out. sometimes you just have to take the risk

Lovemusic, you might need to read clamig's post again. She drove 3 hours to meet him!! He didn't even need to leave his house. Oh dear :-)

I know Penny I wasn’t talking about claims post, I have had men drive that distance to me and then when we have DTD they have vanished. I also had a FWB who used to travel quite far to see me (lasted a few months and we both knew it would never go any further). Just seems odd that men will travel that far. I get a lot of messages from people that live far away that are obviously after a hook up.

That’s pretty shocking Smeaton, do men find it that hard to find sex closer to home?

No way would I travel that far for a quickie.

Is this the reason why they let women join for free on some sites (to up the number of females)?

I think it all depends what YOU want out of it too. If you are looking for a longer term thing, and not just sex, then in my opinion you should wait at least until he has proved his worth (and vice versa).

At this moment in time, I don't really give a shit if the guy I like has negative feelings or disappears after 1 shag, because I might just do the same too. If you are on the same page, it can be ok. My mum always said to me when I was growing up, wait 6 weeks.........The only time I took her advice was when I was entering my 21 year relationship. I made him wait (but I was only 17). This TED talk is quite interesting and shows the difference (kind of) of how men and women fall for each other with a bit of science.

Now I have a raging horn that is like an itch that needs to be scratched, I know I probably won't meet anyone who wants anything longer term when my mood is like this. If I do, and it works, then all is good. If it doesn't I knew what I was getting myself in for.

So if you want, and you know you are secure enough not to feel used or disappointed afterwards, then go for it. If you will be floored by a guy ghosting after DTD, then don't put yourself in that position.

Find out what YOU want, rather than worrying about what they want. If you make them wait, and they lose interest, then that is part of it. If you don't wait and they disappear, same.

Just my view on it, but there are no hard and fast rules about length of time to wait, and how people react. Every person we meet has a story, they all have reasons for behaving how they do. Some people are dating guys in their 50s and 60s, you don't get to that age without developing habits or having a story. Just like you do. You cannot predict how these things will go, I think its so important to keep an open mind. Ie. If I drive 3 hours and sleep with a guy I just met, this might not pan out how I want it too, am I prepared for that??

Its still shit when people treat you badly, but remember we all enter things with an idea, its just they might not be the same as the person you are talking with. I keep thinking however I behave with guys, that is my choice. I am choosing to interact, I am choosing to have sex, i am choosing to persue or not. Like anything in life, you don't really know the people you are talking too, no matter how deep you go. That takes years and still the person you are with can be a stranger and react badly.

Be kind and true to yourself. I have two rules, treat people with honesty and integrity, if someone asks (within reason) I am honest and treat them how I would wish to be treated. If they are a shit, more fool me for being so trusting. So if you put yourself out there and ask a guy on a date and he doesn't respond, it speaks more about them than it does you for example and don't take that to heart. Take care of yourself first and work on those boundaries.

Sorry for the ramble :)

Mr French: he's been in touch, haven't discussed meeting again, I sense he is in his man cave a bit, so i will leave him be. If he decides to disappear (I don't think he will) then its my problem.

My friend said to me when I started tinder " Remember you don't owe ANYBODY anything, do what you want" and its true both ways round.

That's very interesting Smeaton and love. I will definitely follow your suggestions, tbh I follow most at the moment and haven't had problems but I struggle to identify what a man is looking for

smeaton interesting on the distances...in male terms how hard or easy is it to get dates/sex in middle age? I had assumed men could get hook ups easily, but I guess if you've want to find a woman you're attracted to maybe it's not so easy? So perhaps that's why some guys pretend to want relationships when actually they just want sex?

Smeaton Wow - that is some statistics!!! Men certainly don't seem to be shy online that's for sure. I really can't face it after being let down already by guys ive met in real life!!

I don't actually know what I'm looking for myself yet. How do you convey to someone that you're happy to see how things run and would want to be in the right relationship with the right person in the future, without sounding like you're open to casual offers or scaring men off like you're dragging them down the aisle.

Thanks everyone......i will check out some of those videos jax!
love - i feel the same a lot of the time about expecting people to vanish as it does seem to happen a lot. It's a real rollercoaster with being super keen and then vanishing and nothing . I hope normal communication resumes with mr tinder .
costa i haven't figured out either how to keep that trusting optimistic part! You're right about it knocking your self -esteem when it happens.

I tend to find it's not very often I'll really mutually click with someone so i think that makes it hard not to over invest and be too hopeful when it does happen. That's one thing I've recognised though and i think i am getting better with over time!

Pudding totally agree! I am happy if I stumble into Mr right, actually probably not quite ready to meet him yet.

So along the way I'm quite happy to bump into a few Mr Wrongs repeatedly

smeaton just caught up with your posts and statistics about men and sex..... certainly eye-opening and informative!!

pudding i think it's so true as well what you say about making interactions our choice and having an open mind about how we'll feel if things don't pan out the way you hope. I guess it's a case of self- awareness and reflection to do that....kind of regularly checking in with yourself asking how you feel about things rather than just getting swept along.

Quick fly by, (stifling “lengths men will go to” innuendoes) but re what to say to someone if you’re wanting to wait longer than they to talk about/have sex: I find “one can only sate a whetted appetite” works well, and I’d follow up by tying a cherry stalk into a knot with my tongue. If I could. But I can’t, so I just change the subject to something sexy like the weather or how smart motorways are shit.

Smeaton sounds like you have been doing lots of research.

I have a friend (male in his 60’s) who used to go to swinger clubs many years ago and he tells a similar story of it being much easier for women to get sex in clubs, as a woman you are guaranteed many men in one night but as a male you won’t get as many offers. The thought of going to one of these places scares me after hearing some of the stories.

I still haven’t heard from Mr Tinder, I’m trying not to over think it, he often goes a day or 2 without texting, maybe he’s busy or maybe he’s thinking. I don’t think he has been single very long and I think he was in a abusive relationship (he mentioned a few things). I don’t think he wants anything serious but would be nice if he could tell me what he does want.

I have had one message on POF today with someone almost twice my age with LOVE and HATE on his knuckles 😐

I agree with pretty much all of smeatons thoughts on things.

Dating these days does seem to b a bit rushed, and all the social media and texting provides a false sense of intimacy and communication which really isn’t there.

You can talk to someone for weeks via WhatsApp but only, in actual face to face conversation, have had a chat for about ten minutes. But because it’s stretched out over hours or days, it feels like much longer, and you reveal stuff about yourself to someone you’d never speak to after just a few minutes of actual face to face talk.

So you get a forced intimacy, and you’re aware time is ticking away, so you move things along quickly and jump into bed with someone when you really don’t know them properly, you just think you do. And they’re the same. And then when they realise you fart in bed they suddenly go ‘oh god who is this, she can’t fart in bed, I thought she was perfect’

So my advice would be to actually spend - say - at least 18 to 24 hours physically with someone before going to bed with them, over the course of several dates, Dinner, drinks, ice skating.

First date is maybe an hour or two. Dinner is maybe three more. A walk in the park, another hour. Another dinner, an evening in watching a film together and cooking together, an evening salsa dancing. that’s maybe 18 hours of real interaction. Don’t count messaging time, that’s just not real interaction. Dance. Kiss. Talk a lot. Talk a lot more.

Make sure you get to know them and they get to know you. So then when you fart they find it amusing but not alienating.

Some men, of course, will play along and pretend to be after a relationship, but the longer you spend time building one, the less likely those men will want to - or be able to - waste if they’re just looking for someone to hump and dump.

The majority of men do want a relationship, but will go off someone quickly once sex is out of the way and the lust coloured glasses fall off.
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There’s also the risk you run of dating someone for two months and then finding out he’s shit in bed, of course, but I think people who have genuine feelings for each other are likely to be better together than those who don’t.

Mr Tinder has messaged, he’s been busy with work. I need to stop stressing.

What do we feel about flirtatious messages/texts? Personally I feel a bit uneasy when I've not met someone. I struggle to be flirtatious. I have done in the past and it's backfired (lovebombed once and one person wasn't as attractive as I thought so I felt bad for being a bit forward).

Once I meet someone and I find them attractive then it's not a problem. But I wonder if I'm coming across as a bit cold?

OLD seems to be like buses - nothing and then several come along at once - just batted off one who only wants FWB - chatting to another 3 - one of whom I was about to ditch as seemed boring but his chats today have peaked my interest. One stands out so we shall see !

i remember posting here almost a month ago, that i couldnt be bothered with my iron, and noticed it was post-ovulation.

now im day 22 on my cycle, with 3 irons that i feel like blocking and disappearing from

my hormones are weeeird

Tom I agree, the odd rude joke is ok but no sexting before you have met, I find it a real turn off and just makes me think they are after one thing.

I find it a turn off too to be honest. It seems a bit desperate to me

One woman told me after maybe five messages that her boobs were real. I hadn’t mentioned her boobs. I hadn’t even particularly thought about her boobs. But now I knew they were real, which is nice and all, but.. next!

A profile I saw tonight said a woman was looking for a man who would give her flowers, and then choke her in bed. I had to read it twice as I thought I’d made a mistake.

I mean..who writes that on a profile? .