Bring on the Spring Flings. It's Dating Thread 132!

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

newyear sorry for the delay in replying, I've been away. When I dated Mr Tall, I think it didn't really bother either of us that we couldn't see each other that often. He did say at first he wanted to see me more, but we never did. It wasn't this that split us up, he had some deep seated issues and really needed to seek help for them. He didn't. I was more of counsellor than a girlfriend and that wasn't healthy.

I'm wobbling a bit about Mr Writer. I found him on Facebook and I really don't fancy him! Also, we now WhatsApp and he messages a lot asking me if I want to chat. I was away at the weekend and he mentioned sending innuendo laden flirty texts. We have not even met yet! I'm guessing he might be a bit needy, with the texting. He's really nice, but I just want to tell him to give me some space.
There's also Mr Punk. He seems really nice and we have lovely deep, intelligent conversations. He's told me he's not working right now. We've not talked about money or anything, he just said it because he has a lot of time on his hands. I'm not bothered about how much money anyone has, but I don't know about not having a job. I might have to ask him outright why he's not working right now.

Just a quick update as I am absolutely cream crackered

Well well well. Mr French. Gorgeous, fun, good conversation, very sexy and total open book. I had the best date ever. We met in Lisbon where he lives. I arranged to stay at my friends if things didn't go well. Parked in an underground car park (this is relevant :)

Met and had a couple of drinks where at this point we had to decide what we were going to do, whether I went to my friends, or we went back to his or stayed out. We stayed out, drank (but not way too much, just enough), went to a really cool roof top bar, massive public displays of affection (I was even saying to myself....get a room ). Saw Mr 25 (of all the bars in all of Lisbon we happened to be at the same one), we chatted about it today he was on a tinder date too. Left and went back to his in a taxi, he cooked pasta and well.......we didn't get much sleep put it that way.

Stayed until about 2pm, he drove me to meet my friend. Got back to my car parking was 42 euros!!!!!!!!!! But it was well worth it.

I think this one would potentially break my heart if we carried it on. I don't think I am ready for a relationship just yet, and he is so beautiful I would probably get a bit jealous at a long distance. He wants kids, hes got plans, it would be tough. If we saw each other as a kind of FWB I think I would get way too attached. He is so gentle but manly and sexy at the same time, affectionate in a really nice way but also a bit of an animal. Ooooofffff. At one point we were having such a nice cuddle, I said "oxytocin" to myself and sighed. It felt nice.

Anyway, not over investing, I will be cool on messaging for a bit see how he responds but would jump at the chance of seeing him again. From what he said it seems the same (not even slightly lovebomby by the way) but its hard to see how we would see each other often.

Arggggghhhhh. I knew he would make me feel like this. Thoughts anyone?

pudding it sounds like you had a fabulous time!

I'd say just take things slowly and see how it goes. You say you don't want a relationship, but you want to see him again. Are you maybe just trying to make excuses now as you don't want to get hurt? I think you should try not to get too emotionally involved, let things pan out slowly. See if he messages and suggests meeting again. How far away is he? Would it be possible to meet every couple of weeks at least? Just take your time getting to know each other. If it's meant to be, you'll find a way to make it work.

Evening everyone. I'm joining you all, think I need some encouragement.
Still psyching myself up to reinstall tinder.
Never met anyone from there just had a nose around about a year ago matched with a few and chatted to a couple then met someone irl and was with him for 6 months. He left to work abroad, still friends.
Just got back from second date, he also works abroad so we met up in Budapest as a half way point. That went well we had a good time and good sex and will see him again in the summer but don't think it will be serious for various reasons even though I like him
So tinder..no idea what to write in my bio..good start.
Also not really sure what I'm looking for, I miss good sex and would like to have fun but I'm a single parent so funds and time are limited.
Maybe I just want an ego boost and a distraction until the summer. Maybe the whole idea is not a good one.

Pudding - your post has just made me really smile - how wonderful - just go with the flow and enjoy tomorrow. Mr Newbie and I were chatting away today and then - nothing so I thought sod it and called him out - got a nice message back - very chatty again but a pink flag at least. When I couldn't chat yesterday. I told him - manners cost nothing - at least he knows I'm not a push over - we will see.

Yeah Bant obsess was the wrong word, that would not be ideal. What I meant was someone I enjoy thinking about, I kind of forget about this one until he gets in touch and that's not right is it?
I'm just being lazy/ selfish letting it carry on because its easy.
Going to be busy with work soon anyway so might just let it fizzle out without giving crap excuses to not hurt feelings.
See writing it down and getting advice did make it clear, thanks.
Really can't face starting the process again though so looks like its quiet weekends for a bit once this ends. Sigh

ok, so if a first date offers to cook for you at his... I am dessert arent I?

Google Ted Bundy, jax

Most people who go to someone else’s house for a first date will not, statistically, be killed and eaten. Most of them.

It’s also usually safe to invite a complete stranger to your house, when he knows you’re alone and you don’t know what he actually looks like in real life, and he knows that you’re alone and vulnerable. Generally, this will not go badly.

The statistics of women who are raped and/or killed like this are reassuringly low. Only in the single digits. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

For fucks sake. Meet him in a pub. Check out he is who he says he is. Avoid the situation of having to literally fight him off and push him out of the front door. Don’t let him know where you live.

God I hope I’m raising my daughters with more common sense.

bant I was joking! Should have put an emoji in the sentence.

Im really not that naive.

You're getting pretty nasty and goady again Bant! No harm in telling people to be careful, but lay off with trying to make women feel foolish and stupid.

I’m sorry if that came across as nasty or goady.

But there have been women on this thread who have been raped by dates before. Some seemed to have a habit of putting themselves in risky situations, ignored the sensible cautious advice from posters on here, and regretted it afterwards.

Jax may not be that naive, but others have been. I was too sarcastic in my post, probably, but that comes from frustration at seeing the same potential mistakes being made over and over again.

And there are lots of people who read this thread but don’t actually post, who may be thinking it’s probably fine to go to that blokes house having never met him in person, because he’s charming and flattering and his pictures look lovely and they’re ignoring the red flags out of desperation. Some of them are just that naive, so while my tone was frustrated, if it stops one of the lurkers from doing something dangerous then it’s worth offending others a bit.

I understand what you meant bant

mroil messages have stepped up a gear, he has sent me lots of pics of him (not filth) and his family and we chatted on and off all day and night yesterday. Talked about lots of things and I know him a lot better now.

He is my only real iron at the moment as I hid my profile on pof as couldnt be doing with the messages from weirdos. I am chatting to a couple of other people on there, but 1 is too far away and is very complicated, the other is pretty new.

mrsnog Im not contacting, will wait to hear from him. He was a good 'first' everything since separation from STBXH.

I have to agree with Bant I mean, I am speaking for myself here but pretty sure it applies to many others reading this thread....

We are ALL very vulnerable when we first embark on OLD and it is so easy to be very naieve and get drawn into the romance (be it real or fake!) Of meeting someone new and the excitement that comes with it.

The now me would have had a word with myself about how I behaved initially with OLD. I was lucky that they guy was actually ok and not a massive headfuck but I have since come across my fair share of wronguns and each person I meet is teaching me something new about myself.

I think if anything when we embark on online dating we should be EXTRA cautious.... and that means meeting someone in a public place for the first time.

Stay safe out there guys and gals x

Bant If I really really like some I get a bit obsessed in my head but try to play it cool. I find they occupy my thoughts a lot, but I am also switched off very easily so I find it doesn't last long!

Tom I don't want a "conventional" relationship as such as I value my freedom but I would want to be exclusive with someone if I was dedicating a lot of time to see them etc. We live about an hour away but he does stupid shifts that start at 4am most days, so his free time is a bit screwed. It would probably mean me going to him more often, and I am also time limited. I will take it slowly, but really really enjoyed his company and I think if we did that again too many more times I would fall for him and that wouldn't be good. To be honest i am scared as shit of falling in love again and getting hurt.
With Mr Writer: I had a few like that when I found them on social
media, kind of changed my mind. God so fickle!!

I am trying not to message Mr French: last message from him said he had a nice time too and he was glad we met. I will see if he contacts me.

Hi All. I've only caught up to yesterday early afternoon!
Wondered if I could run this past you before I send? It's to the guy I've been chatting to for about 3 weeks has suggested a couple of dates and I've not been able to meet him. Circumstantial etc. I do want to meet him but it won't be until next week at this rate.. Is this too gushy/forward?
Hi, how you feeling? I’m knackered after a long drive back yesterday..
I’m feeling slightly neglectful to you, as in, I don’t want you to think I’m not keen to meet you. Just with half-term and going away, I’ve not been as available as I am normally. I am looking forward to meeting you more when we can pin some time down to meet.. :)

Thanks for that Smeat just don't want to sound un-keen IYGWIM

dont send your original text iron - Smeatons is better.

I’ve been on the receiving end of the obsession, pudding and it feels horrible. I dated one woman for a few weeks, we went for drinks, dinner, and I stayed over at hers. She was cool and funny and attractive, we bantered via message during the day and on evenings when we weren’t seeing each other. But then - not straight after but shortly after we went to bed together for the first time, she started sending messages chasing up why I hadn’t replied to her previous message - five minutes after she’d sent it.

I woke up one morning to half a dozen messages from her getting more plaintive and sarcastic because I hadn’t replied to her good morning text - which she’d sent at 7am, and I was asleep until about 9 because it was a weekend.

Then she wanted to meet my kids, after only a few weeks of seeing each other, and when I said it was too early for that she started getting paranoid.

Possibly I pulled back emotionally a bit after sleeping together with her, although it’s difficult to judge when you’re in that situation. But her behaviour definitely changed, massively, which just freaked me out a bit and I didn’t want to see her again after that.

Thank you all for your little push for me to go and meet Mr Tinder, like you said ‘I had nothing to lose’ so I went to meet him, spent all morning with him and could have easily spent the day with him if it wasn’t for him needing a sleep before a night shift. He was pretty much as I expected. No major red flags other than he rides a motorbike (they scare the shit out of me) and he keeps guns, but I guess that’s not unusual in this part of the country, he didn’t seem crazy, pretty down to earth and easy going. I’m not sure what he is looking for, we did mention relationships briefly but he was giving off mixed signals and I’m sure I was too. I’m not good at explaining what I want, I guess I’m looking for someone who’s great in bed but also someone I can enjoy going out with, but I don’t want the seriousness of a full blown relationship (for a while anyway). He made it clear he wanted to see me again and i think I made that clear to him too so we will just see how things go and try not to stress over it.

pudding I think we're very similar. I enjoy the exciting bits, but often get very bored very quickly. I figure it's simply because I haven't met the right person yet. I hope you can work things out with him. It's really hard, but do try to play it cool. I've got emotionally involved very quickly in the past, I did with Mr Tall. I've kept our WhatsApp conversation and reading bits of back to myself at times, I'm horrified at how over-invested I was. I'll never make that mistake again.
I'm not messaging Mr Writer unless he messages me. I think we're a bit too different. I haven't got the heart to say I'm not interested.
I've moved to WhatsApp with MrPunk who is promising to quote me Kafka . He stimulates me intellectually, and I've realised that is something I really need.

Jax I have to admit that I have been to people’s houses for first dates and invited them to mine, it’s usually when it is for sex, but I have never had a man over who has pushed for sex. Some might think I am putting myself in a risky situation, I probably am. I have been raped but never by a stranger or a on line date (both times from longtearm partners). Not all offers of “cooking dinner” are to get you into bed, most men I have met have been very considerate and gentlemanly. The best thing to do is lay the cards on the table straight away, if you don’t want to have sex on a first date then make it clear that there will be no dessert, if he’s just after one thing he will back away if he thinks he’s not going to get it (his loss). A lot of people wouldn’t take the risk and I can understand why.

Thanks love I wont go to his for a first date, but he can cook, properly cook and if all goes well (after a few dates) then I will happily be dessert

I think some people feel more comfortable cooking at home than going out. I find going out quite stressful, maybe because I’m slightly on the autistic spectrum, I find it hard to concentrate when there’s so much going on around me, I’m also not a drinker and hate eating in public. I have had many offers of men cooking for me, I have turned most of them down, one did make me a roast dinner but I was dessert (it was a 2nd date).

Bant I am not like that ;) But I do obsess a bit in my head. But it soon goes and my friend tells me I have to keep my "wally o-meter" in check and I think I do manage it. I am conscious of not to seem needy (which i am not) but also letting them know I am interested. its hard, because what counts as "needy" or "clingy"?

But she sounded like a freak so bullet dodged.