I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

You hit the nail on the head nigel
It’s the sadness that people I’d have said we’re good people have swept his behaviour under the carpet and still speak to him or even seek him out.
I’d like to think I’d act differently.
That I’d call out a cheat or home wrecker.

But maybe if it hasn’t happened to you, you just can’t appreciate the hurt caused by not doing that.

Just about finished packing before I fall into bed.
Think I’ve got all the essentials.

I spent the weekend with bf (a very rare weekend off without my dc because of going away) and I slept like a baby. It’s the first time in months I’ve been able to sleep in properly.
I woke up and instantly felt guilty. Apologised to bf who looked confused as he said that I obviously needed it and did I want a cuppa.
I realised that when I was with lcb I would’ve been moaned at for sleeping late, especially if I’d gone to bed later than 11pm the night before. Or I might even have woken up to an empty house because he’d have taken the dc off somewhere without telling me or giving me the option of going too. He’d dress those up as giving me peace to rest but I’d get it cast up later.
I’d always say I’d let him have his turn the next time but most of the time he’d just get up and make some comment about not being able to lie in when there’s so much to be doing.
How ashamed I would be that I could sleep despite the car needing washed or the washing needing folded and put away.
And I still feel shame.
He really did a number on me.
I’m not lazy.
I never was.
I was just tired and/or sick.
And now I just sometimes deserve a chance to sit and mn when I should be packing our suitcase because, do you know what? They’ll still get done. Just not as quickly.

I will think about the advice to block his number while we’re away. Or possibly get bf to answer any calls.
I will avoid any emails either.
There’s nothing he could need to speak to me or the dc about that would be that urgent.

But, I’ve been lazy long enough. Need to finish packing and get to bed.

Planes, trains and automobiles tomorrow
Hopefully some sunshine at the end of it.
And a bit of peace

Have a fab holiday onit. Your bf sounds fabulous he will understand if you need a rest. enjoy the sun, the change.
Your kids are with you, LCB has no reason to bother you, other than to deliberately spoil your holiday.
Do not look at or answer your phone. leave it in the suitcase & get it out if you want to call someone or mess about on mn !!!!

Have a fantastic holiday onit, you deserve it.

What a lovely chap your bf is thinking of your needs.

Enjoy a restful holiday onit with DC, your bf and his family, you deserve it.

Have a great holiday onit!!

Are you home onit? How was your holiday ?

Hi mix, yes just home today.
Absolutely knackered.
Surrounded by the usual post holiday mess.

Had a lovely week though. Felt a little strange the first day or so but by the end of the week it was really comfortable being with his family and I think they were with me too. His ds got a bit sunburned on the first day and, by the middle of the week, I was picking his peeling skin off
Everyone got on really well and the villa was so lovely we actually only ventured out a couple of times.

Back to reality though.
Court date is beginning of next month.
The ridiculous thing is, I spent a few hours before I left marking up a calendar for the holidays and figured out there’s 52 days of summer holidays and lcb has the kids for 24 of them.
Admittedly it’s not half like he’s demanding but ffs!
I just need to remember that, once the court has made its decision, he can’t do anything more to me. It’ll soon be over, one way or another.
Unless he rejects the sheriffs decision and takes it to calling witnesses which is a possibility but I wouldn’t bet against it.

I was totally distraught this morning. We stayed at bf’s before heading home this morning. His dc went home to their mums last night and mine went to lcb this afternoon.
I was very tired and emotional. Sad about returning to reality. Missing my own dc even before they left me to go to lcb, missing bf before I left him to come home and I even think there’s a bit of missing his dcs too. They really are lovely boys and, despite the age gap between his and my dc, they got on very well. They’ve got similar personalities which is fascinating really.

Hope I can shake the funk with a good nights sleep and get some shit done the next few days. Been a long time since I’ve had more than a night alone and I’ve got till Sunday (though I am working Saturday and Sunday which will help a bit).

Hoe the weather holds so I can get my washing done tomorrow and tick one thing off my list.

Ah so glad it went well!!

Always a bit of a downer coming home after holidays. Back to the routine, but fabulous you all got on! Excellent for the future with bf !!!
So I think LCB will be told he is being a bully by the sheriff, he already has them half the holidays realistically (bar 2 days) the guy is just going at this like a dog with a bone. He just can't leave it alone.
I sincerely hope he gets told, as he deserted the marital home for a new life he should leave you in peace now.

Brilliant that you all had a good holiday and got on well. How old are his children?

I can imagine LCB is having to grit his teach whilst listening to your DC talk about what a nice holiday they had .

Hi al just checking in.

Dc left today for their other holiday.
I’m sad but I know they’ll have a ball so I’m focussing in that.
Having a chance to spend some more time with the bf so currently on the train with a tin of Cosmo (in a plastic cup cos I’m classy ) and a book (though I’m not reading it obviously).
Not sure what’s happening with the legal stuff. I’m still waiting to hear from my lawyer after he sent my defences back in reply to the writ.
I was reading it again with a friend today and realise it will have angered him as there’s a sentence in there which says that contact should not be increased and should be reduced “for the protection of and in the best interests of the children”
This is purely because of his failure to administer meds but I’m not sure I registered that wording when I first read it over.
I’m assuming he will have a right to reply before the initial court date which is just over 2 weeks from now.
The bf has offered to come with me and I’d been non-commital but my friend today advised I should take him. If only because I might have a wait to be seen and he’d be a distraction.
I’m not sure I want to though.
It’s a day that lcb has the dc so I guess it’s likely he’ll be alone (and the ow will be looking after them ) but, I definitely don’t want to go alone if there’s a chance he has company. Whoever that may be.

The closer the date gets the more antsy I am. I have 19 days till then.
I will have to sit in a room with him for an extended period of time.
I can act breezy when it’s a couple of minutes at the odd drop off where I have to engage a little but I’m so frightened that I will break down.
It pisses me off that he can still make me react like this. And I don’t want the bf to think it’s because I feel anything other than intimidation.

He still has another option if it doesn’t go his way but, though this has already cost me £1200 and will probably cost at least as much again (I got a bill yesterday for £900 which I hope is being taken from my upfront payment) if he takes it to an actual court with social work reports and witnesses, it would cost many thousands more; which I just don’t have.

The last date on the timetable is the end of August. That’s when the sheriff will make an order (or not). I am trying to focus on that as an end date.
42 days.

Why not accept bf going ? He already knows that LCB terrifies you, & he knows hell would freeze over before you ever had positive feeling for LCB again. Also it will hopefully anger LCB !
I think if you are going to fall apart you need to practice ! in any event it is not entirely negative for the sheriff/whoever, to see at what point you are terrified & hurting.
I'd make a list of all the his shit, all times you are amenable to changes to timetable to facilitate etc. I would also slip in that he feels it appropriate to bring his new conquest along to breakfast club which infringes on your comfort zone, she has no need to be there, it is all to do with showing off, & attempts to make you uncomfortable.

Definitely take your bf onit. You have a right to, and deserve some, support. No matter who LCB takes or doesn't.

My initial thought was also to agree with taking bf with you. However (and I could be wrong) I can understand why you’re maybe hesitant. If it was me I would be concerned if your bf being there would somehow anger STBXH or make him take things further than necessary since he has more proof of you moving on? Just how I would be analysing the situation but happy to admit I could be reading it completely wrong!
Do you think he would get his parents to watch DC so he could bring OW with him to court?
Enjoy your time with BF!

I think you need to take whoever you are most comfortable taking. There are pros and cons to taking your bf for support, but overall probably more pros than cons. The important thing is that you have someone there to support you, and that it's someone that you trust and are happy to have there.

I am glad you had a lovely holiday Onit, you deserve it.

He is going to court over a matter of days? oh dear I hope they see right throughh him and see that he is using the court system to abuse you.

Yes to taking the bf.

I am going through something similar and may start my own thread. not with an exh but my abusive father (NC for four years) is taking me to court to get unsupervised access to my dc. He sees them regularly , supervised by my DH, but he is doing this to punish me for not seeing him.

You are doing the right thing by your DC and they know you have their back.

As someone who grew up with an abusive father, and a mother too weak to stand up to him, take it from me, your DC will appreciate everything you have done. You are doing well.

It is horrible horrible situation. I wish I could take away your pain and anxiety. I know it's not that easy.

Be kind to yourself lovely Onit.

ASimpleLampoon that's awful. I assume he doesn't have a hope in hell of getting what he wants?

onit, he won't like you having support, but, hang on, who fucked off with your former best friend ? He is not entitled to take a stance re bf, or reproach.
Maybe if you could take a girl friend ? preferably someone who new him before, & will report back to all your mutual friends ?
He won't like his repugnant behaviour being hung out !

Im not allowed to take anyone into the courtroom. It would just be to keep me company sane while waiting.

It’s 2 hearings. About 3 weeks apart. Sorry if I gave the impression it’s going to be full on judge in a wig thing though that is the only other step he can take if this doesn’t go his way.

I hadn’t thought of anyone seeing this as a way to further abuse me. I’m so sorry this is your father doing this to you asimplelampoon .

I have never levelled the accusation of abuse directly at him. Perhaps I should have but it seems pointless now. He won’t change. I still struggle with accepting it myself. And have driven myself crazy with thoughts that it was me. I still do at times.

I read something last night though that reminded me of the futility of telling him (or ow) what he is.
It was about triangulation. When he brought her to our home in the month or so before he left, it’s classic psychopathic behaviour.
And I guess bringing her to school is a similar thing.

I have missed a few counselling sessions due to holidays but I’m going next week. We’ve already agreed to practise some breathing exercises and grounding techniques before the first hearing.
I hopefully have evidence of my reasonableness and his bullying but, to be perfectly honest, the sheriff will not care. My lawyer has told me as much. It matters not one tiny bit how he treated, or treats, me. I can prove he has failed to parent on a few occasions and that will hold weight.
I can argue that school nights should be at home (and have been assured that this is how the court normally sees it too). But the only thing that will happen if I can’t hold myself together will be me failing to advocate for my dc.
He will walk into that courtroom feeling an equal to every other person there. I’m naturally deferential or at least I am now after all my years with him. I am under no illusions that they will warn to him. He is very charming and manipulative. It’s highly likely he will break down. And I guarantee 100% he will if I show any sign of being upset.
I feel like I’m waffling now, sorry.

You have no idea how much I appreciate your support still. I don’t like talking even to my closest friends about it all now because I feel like I should be over it now. My counsellor, my DCousin and you lovely vipers are my safe places.
Thank you

Sounds good re the councellor, breathing techniques help stop the panic.

Anything to help you feel stronger and more in control. He's manipulative, but your strength (amongst many others) is that you know it so you can use it to your advantage.

Have you seen your councillor onit? how are you feeling ?

I had counselling yesterday. I’ve missed a few with holidays and stuff. I need to figure out how I can tell my lawyer that I’m frightened of lcb. And the real reasons why I’m frightened. The hearings in less than 2 weeks.

I’ve spent 2 years being silent to the people that actually matter. The dc, my dsis, his mum and sister, my lawyer, my doctor, my friends. No one but my counsellor really knows about the coercion/rape .
I still can’t even type that without feeling sick.

Because I’m scared of his reaction to me telling the truth about what happened at the end of our marriage, and during it.
Why do I still think he can take my dc away? Why do I still feel threatened?
I used to think I was protecting them. I don’t want them to have a dad like him; but they do. It doesn’t change the fact he is what he is. The only person I’m protecting is him.
I’m not saying I’m going to blurt out the whole sordid story to my dc but, if the court decision doesn’t go his way, I think he’ll take the gloves off.

Onit, I haven't posted before but I have read all your threads. I am in awe of your strength, how you hold it all together every day no matter what. Just remember that when the day seems dark you do have the inner strength to do it.