I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Oh Onit, that is such a hard secret to hide. but I completely understand why you did, particualrly as its his word against yours.
We know he is a psycho. He can lie & manipulate with no passing flutter of guilt.
The DC may never know. but you should try & tell your lawyer how base he is, how oppressed you were. married to this Jekyll & Hide.
Marriage vows, young DC, sickness, shame & denial, & the quasi certitude that no one will believe you.
Don't fear him anymore. Time to decide he has done you too much harm &, Stop this monster, if not Where will it stop ?

I doubt there is much your solicitor has not heard before.

As a staging post between having told your Counsellor & possibly telling yr solicitor, perhaps consider having a chat with WA?

I have read yr previous posts where you’ve said that WA are not immediately available. I wonder if a booked phone call to talk through how much & how best to present this important information might help to get it done.

I reckon solicitors have a six sense for clients who are challenging, complete bastards or psychopaths in RL, so I think it is worth stating to yr solicitor the clear facts that coercion took place during your marriage, that you have deep mistrust of STBXH & are genuinely scared of him &/or removal of your children.

WA &/or yr counsellor may help you phrase or rehearse such statements so that they are factual & neutral when said in confidence to your solicitor... & it doesn’t tear you up to do the deed.

HTH.

So admire you .

I think it is worth telling your solicitor so they can muscle up during their preparation.

If STBXH (bring it on) begins to get arsey & mean, better your solicitor if fully equppped to speak gently & carry big stick, with added flails & rusty nails, to keep things on track.

As anyone can be unwell & need love/support from their spouse to recover & stay well. No-one needs to coerce or rape their spouse.

The first statement is entirely reasonable & we hope this happens in all relationships, the second statement is entirely reasonable (!) & we hope such acts never happens in relationships.

Support during illness & coercion/rape are poles apart in behaviours in any relationship. Tell yr solicitor so they are prepared to push back hard if required. It does not need to come out in open court.

Other MNetters will know more than I do about going to court.

Still worth trying WA again . Be as specific and honest as you can be with them. Perhaps write down what you want to say in advance. You were in an abusive relationship. Your XH is still continuing to be abusive albeit indirectly. His taking it to court is al about that. All about controlling you and nothing tondo with concern for the DC. He simply can't believe you are not simply being coerced any more. Although there will still be elements of it still. WA can help you deal with this and move forward.

If you felt able too you could email your lawyer with some of what you have told us here to indicate his controlling nature and your anxiety re court.

As you have said already though, here in Scotland there is a very matter of fact approach. At this point the Sheriff is interested in what works for the DC and that is likely to be what you have already.

But I do think that your lawyer would be better able to represent and support you with all the information to hand.

I agree with PP that Woman’s Aid are really worth talking to. I have been using them (in Scotland) and they have been so helpful for me. I also thought that I wasn’t someone who qualified for their help but it turns out that I very much do. If I remember correctly if you are assigned a support worker then they might be able to come to court with you as part of your support system.

If you are struggling to get in touch with you local group then it might be worth giving the Scottish 24 hour helpline a call (0800 0271234).

The presence of WA support worker in the court speaks silent volumes...

Because local legals will be a small community as are WA case workers, so said folk are on nodding terms if not closer known.

Speak gently and carry a big stick - with added flails & rusty nails a la Auntie.

Did see your post about just you in court, & had assumed yr supporters will be waiting outside the court in public space, in clear sight etc.

This is out of context but I want to write this down.

A normal person would feel remorse, demonstrate compassion and apologise sincerely. They would accept their bad behaviour had an impact on the other person and might for a significant amount of time.
A normal person would make efforts to atone and allow the other person time to grieve and process that grief.
It’s possible to forgive a normal person even truly awful behaviour if they at least attempt to atone for it in some way.
I think I’m capable of forgiveness.
But how can I forgive a person who refuses to acknowledge the damage he inflicted and continues to inflict it because of his entitled attitude.

100% with everything you have said Onit.
These men really believe they are entitled and cannot see what they have done and the damage they have caused and are continuing to cause. The latest letter from my lawyer proves this. They really can’t see that they are in the wrong.

Do you need to forgive him onit?

Why would you want to forgive him ?
He has broken every code of moral conduct.
As for the "remorse" you hope for, or just an inkling of sorrow, regret, kindness.
You will never see it. He has moved on to new pastures, he has got rid of his old wardrobe, its a new chapter for him.
He is basically flawed, empathy is not part of his DNA.

Innit see ta shut forgiving him per se-it's about learning to live with the pain of what he's done and not letting t affect you anymore. Easy to say and not at all easy to do-I certainly haven't managed it.
I can't forgive in my case. But I am really trying to not let it consume me anymore. (Im not that good at it yet)

That should say 'it's not about forgiving him' not sure what autocorrect was doing there!

Do you need to forgive him onit?

Good point.

Im never going to forgive my husband for what he did and for what he still does. Its too much like telling him that doing what he did was ok and it never will be. Seemingly though, according to others, it means Im going to pickle in my own bile and it really will be better for me if I can forgive him. But the truth is that I'm at peace with my decision. In fact it wasn't even a decision I had to make because there was no argument about it going on in my head.

He's a damaged soul and thats the sum total of it. Its why I recognised Onits Ex for what he is the day she started positing. Do I hate him? No and I never will. It would be like hating someone else I love because of things they do even though its different situations.

One thing though is that Ive said my husband isn't allowed to bury me. I know how much of an actor he can be and I know he would make and absolute banquet out of sitting by my body and crying. Granted some of it might be genuine, Im not sure just how flawed these people are and what they can or can't feel, but there is absolutely no way I'll give him the opportunity to make people say ' you see he really did love her, he probably regrets everything he did, she was the love of his life. And they would think that because he is nothing but a good actor.

Am I being vindictive? No. Absolutely not. Its about courage. I had the courage to do what I did by bringing things to an end. I have the courage to wake up every day and live my life on my own at this age. I have the courage to go to my grave without him taking me there.

My (still) husband on the other hand seemingly didn't have the courage to go on business trips alone in case something happened to him in the bathroom and he needed help

Is there anything I'd like to do? Yes, there is. I would love to tell him in no uncertain terms at all just what a diagnosis if his would be instead of pussyfooting around it and only alluding to it at times. That part of it really does piss me off. I really would like to stand in front of him and say YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH AND HERE'S SOME LITERATURE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN JUST ABOUT YOU! I might even dream of air dropping letters over where he lives and where he hangs out saying something along the lines of DID YOU KNOW HE'S A PSYCHOPATH. HERE HAVE A READ!

One thing though - Ive told me children that if on the day my husband is alive and they need him at my funeral for them that its ok, he can be there. But strangely enough none of them seem to want it either.

Oh JustFir, I love your wise & hard-won level-headed magnificence.

Just So, JustFir.

To be clear I don’t want to forgive him. I never will. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness for all the reasons above and many more.
But I’m trying to understand his inability to understand (from quite soon after he left) that I couldn’t just forget about what he did to me. Not even for the dcs sake.
So by me not allowing him in my house, or even in my gate, or taking turns at pickups, or making allowances for his relocation or the fact he has a baby, I am acting against the interests of the dc.

My feelings are irrelevant to him. He has spent a lifetime invalidating my feelings. Never more so than when I stopped crying and got angry.
The anger turned to fear and that is still there at times.

I have written an email to my lawyer.
I haven’t sent it yet. But I need to. The hearing is in 8 days.
I have said he was emotionally abusive. That there was coercion.
That he’d not taken no for an answer.
That I have no evidence and I don’t want it brought up. But that he should know all the facts before the hearing.
I said that he’s manipulative and is likely to cry at the hearing. That he tried to isolate me from family and friends, that he gaslighted. He was controlling and has been intimidating and bullying since the split.

I said I’d never discussed these things with him directly and if I did he’d deny it all.
I said that I’m terrified to be in a room with him. That I am working with my counsellor on ways to remain strong in court. That she believes he is a psychopath and that I have ptsd because of the what he has done to me.

I said it’s hard for me to admit all this but he needs to know so he can advocate for my dc. That my fear and shame are not as important as my dc.

I can’t bring myself to hit send.
It means it’s all real. My dcs dad. The man I loved with my whole heart. Who my parents adored. Is a monster. It’s all just too much. I’m ready to break. And I can’t. I need to hold it together till the end of August. Last hearing then. My DDads birthday.
I’m so glad my parents didn’t live to see this.

You only act in the interests of your DC. The things you list are entirely reasonable. You are still in the mindset of appeasing and accomodating him because you are a victim of his abuse.

I know you are being supported by your counsellor. But again. WA and FP. This will help you understand why and how men abuse women. He may be a physcopath. Many many " normal " men do this too . Do consider again.

Coercion. Control.

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/17/we-didnt-recognise-that-he-was-dangerous-our-father-killed-our-mother-and-sister?CMP=share_btn_fb

Just wanted to reply incase the rest of the MN world is asleep. Don't have personal experience but maybe it's important that the facts are out there in the real world - as long as you are carrying this toxic experience inside yourself (he won't be, you can be sure of that) it will continue to eat you up. You have been so extraordinarily strong and he's a complete shit. You can do this Onit. Send and sleep.

I’ve sent it.

Well done you! Just finished the last of my wine otherwise I'd raise a glass to you. But I'll raise my breakfast cuppa in the morning.

Brilliantly well done.

I’ve sent it.

Good on you on it. I hope it brings you some sense of peace. I'll never be near a court room with my one but in our own ways we do things that are very similar in the way we go about this horror.

Something that struck me from your last post is the fact both of ours use tears to manipulate. I used to be taken in by them but now if I saw him shed a tear (not that I ever see him) I'd pictured them as the word manipulate running down his face like alphabetti spaghetti.

Just a few weeks ago I sat with an old friend who I trust implicitly and he asked about the latest goings on. He'd been away for a couple of years and when I told him he couldn't actually believe what he was hearing. Not because he thought I was lying though. He just said but he comes across as nothing like this when you're with him. I just said well thats the point of these people, they're masters in the art of smokescreens. They're just one giant smokescreen. Its what its all about.

You sent a letter to your lawyer and I sent a few articles to our friend. Granted its because I do want him to know what my husband is but I think the poor bloke also needs help trying to deal with being told that we now know that during the course of our marriage my husband had hidden 3 other wives in various places and a whole lot more children. In fact we don't know it all yet but absolutely nothing else that comes out will surprise me and at least some people now know why he'll never want to be in a court room with me. Its not that he wont divorce me because I did nothing wrong and he's a great guy for that saying that. They instead know he doesn't dare set foot in a court room with me because his very carefully cultivated false self would be on show for all to see.

We have a sick joke at home that we dread him dying because we don't know how many people will turn up at the door and say I heard my husband died or I heard my father died.

Will I take him into a court room? No. Absolutely not. Im just not going there.

Ive said way too much today for some reason.

Good on you for sending it!

Good. I'm glad you sent it. It needed to be done.