I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

It's for him to persuade DCs friends parents that they want them to go over there, not you.

Hope it goes well at the lawyers this morning.

Hi Onit,

Just popping in to wish you good luck with your appoinment with the lawyer.

I'm so sorry you twatface is putting you through this additional stress.

I personally think he is pissing in the wind by initiating legal proceedings.

And he's being a dick about DS's friend's mum and moving DD's gymnastic class.

In some ways going the legal route may not be such a bad thing: he won't be able to dick you around regarding contact.

Anyhow, best wishes 💐 xx

Just back from the lawyers.
He seems to be fairly positive but obviously didn’t go over every little point.
I left him with what I’ve collated so far and he wants to see anything else that’s relevant so I’ll keep on top of that.

I’m very concerned about money though.
I’d be entitled to aid and assistance based on income but not assets and I’d be unlikely to get legal aid because of my savings.
In any case it will cost £1500 to apply for it and that seems a waste if it’s unlikely.
The threshold for assets is less than £2k. I have about £5 in the bank plus a few shares.

Tell me why I’ve been scrimping and eating nothing but reduced food all this time?
To spend it on lawyers?
So I can keep him from taking my dc away as well as everything else?
I should’ve spent it all on holidays and gin.

As you can show you've been entirely reasonable when agreeing visitation with him and thought of your children's best interests, whereas he is basically doing this to be twat and try to gain back some control, is there any way to recoup your costs from him?

Glad your meeting went ok and that your lawyer is sounding positive. Have you been told how they are going to proceed and argue the case?

It is such a shame about the costs of this all especially when it is down to your ex. You’ll be wanting to say to him that this is all your fault and there are consequences to his actions but it will fall on deaf ears. People like him will not accept that.

While none of this is fair you have to try and remember that you are doing all this for your children and what is in their best interests.

What happens know?

*what happens now!

My lawyer asked why he was doing this and I said basically because he’s a psychopath and can’t be reasoned with.

Now I wait for the info to come from my lawyer about next steps.
I need to lodge an intention to defend and then the court issue a timetable of dates with dates for child welfare hearings and other things I can’t remember.
At the first hearing the sheriff will issue an interim order (which might be the same as we have now) and that remains in place till an agreement is reached (called a joint minute, I think) or the sheriff issues an order.

At this point, he can decide to accept the order or take it to trial (not what he called it but it would be much more formal, in a courtroom with witnesses called etc. It might involve the dc, their school etc) and this would cost many thousands of pounds.
Which I don’t have obviously.
But he does.

I need to take a couple of days off from this and recharge.
I’m running on empty and my dc have suffered because of the deadline I had for today.
The dc are away for the weekend, my bf is coming up tonight and I’m working the next 2 days.
I hope I’ll get the paperwork from my lawyer on Monday so I can digest it all properly.

My friend asked me why don’t I just tell him that he’s going to waste his money, and mine. But, I said, it doesn’t matter. If it did he’d have handled this totally differently.
He’d not see the dc as possessions to be owned or shared or fought over.
My upset at spending my savings is because I can see this holiday perhaps being our last. That birthdays and Christmas will be a struggle. That the “new” car I’d been thinking about probably won’t happen and the old car we have will likely be our last.
When it dies, I will struggle to work the hours I do now. The bus is 10 minutes walk from school then takes an hour. My current journey takes 15 minutes. And is a fiver return.
I’d need childcare before and after school for half an hour either side.
ASC locally is £60 per week per child. I can’t afford that and would still need to find a morning childminder.

I’m aware I’m catastophising, but that’s what I do. And it’s why I need to take a break.
I’ll be with bf tonight and he will reassure me. I’m NOT as negative as that last bit sounds but I am worried. About our financial future. About the dc having nice birthdays.

I’m just sad. That I was so naive and married a psychopath. And gave my dc a father who cares more about winning that about his dcs wellbeing.

It's so frustrating to have to devote your time and money to this, because that utter tit won't just do the decent thing for once in his life.
I'm glad it went well today-the lawyer sounds hopeful at least.
Big hugs for tomorrow. A horrible two years no doubt-but you've found out great things about yourself that you didnt know enough before:that you are strong, that you are resilient, and that you are truly a great mum! And that you have capacity for great happiness now that you are sans idiot.
Onwards and upwards my love.

I'm sitting here wondering if now is the time to send him a long, detailed and honest letter about how this has affected you, about how it's affected your children, about how controlling he is over this, about the long term damage this will potentially do the dc, both medium long term with reduced standard of living because you've had to try to defend yourself against him, and longer term when you tell the dc exactly why their standard of living had to drop and blame him. Call him a psychopath. Tell him how selfish he is to move away, and then expect you to make all the compromises associated with this. And also, maybe tell him some of the stuff you know about the OW drinking around dc, and some of the other bits you know about his unsavoury behaviour.
I wouldn't normally suggest anything like this, but I'm just wondering if you have anything to lose now, and if there is the smallist possibility that it might just make him sit back and think rationally for once in his selfish little life.
I've no doubt that everyone else will disagree with this, I sort of do myself. But it's just a thought. Maybe now is the time?

I agree Agatha, everyone says don't feed the monster,
but honestly what you have posted above re car etc, will be detrimental to your DC. (are you certain you won't get legal aid ?) you could try & tell him......

On the other hand if you say, defending my & my Dc interests is going to cost me the car & future holidays, he will say, well don't defend, then you will have the money.......

Switch off Onit, enjoy you bf. recharge, tomorrow is another day. & BTW, we are always told NOT to offer financial help, personally I am prepared to invest if needed ! x

I really don't believe a letter as Agatha describe would be a good idea at all. It would be playing into his hands on all levels.

The only thing that occurred to me, would be to discuss with his parents. I seem to recall you have a reasonable relationship with them - would a comment along the lines of " You would think he would have better things to do with new baby, than traipsing through court" ? Other than that, I think playing it absolutely straight faced with him - Grey Rock if you like. No point in appealing to his better side, as he doesn't have one.

Switch off for this evening and recharge those batteries.

I get what Agatha means though.
I want someone to shake him and make him see sense.
But, he never, ever will.
His solicitor hasn’t managed it.
And he certainly won’t listen if it’s me pointing it out.

So, while writing it all out might be cathartic, there is no way he is getting to see into my soul.
He doesn’t live there anymore and he’s not welcome.

But wouldn’t it be amazing if there was a chance he’d back off.
I wish I could bring myself to tell his mum. But I think that ship’s sailed.

I have put most of the facts down in my defence notes to my solicitor. So some of it, I suppose, might be used.
He’ll hear it then.
But he still won’t hear it.

Honestly, you have nothing to lose by giving the facts to his parents...

They will probably feel impotent, but there is a small chance his mother tells him he is being a thorough bastard. Give it a try

You are right onit. The one thing I'd like from all of this stuff in my situation is some acknowledgement from the Father of my children of what a hurtful thing he has done and what a shit storm he created for me, yes, but more to the point for our kids.
He would no more do that than crawl over broken glass, because ego, pride, inability to ever admit he's wrong, and because he believes his own hype.

All you need (and same for me) is everything legally done and then we can all just try and move on.

How's it going Onit?

It’s going, Agatha.

I have so many things going on I’ve got a million conflicting emotions.
My attention span is goldfish sized.
I’m knackered.

DD’s party was yesterday. It was so stressful getting it organised. And I’m still sitting in some of the carnage.
Her actual birthday is Thursday. I’ll see her for an hour (unless she’s up at 5am which is always a possibility ) in the morning before school and an hour in the evening before bed.

Today was the day that my lawyer had to submit the ‘intention to defend’ papers to the court.
In order to get that ball rolling I had to pay him £1200. That was very painful given it’s been a very expensive few weeks anyway.
I still have some stuff to go through for the lawyer.
Emails mostly.
It’s also 2 years since we sat the dc down and told them he was leaving.

I’m excited about our holiday. And panicking about packing.
I’m worried how the dc will be on the journey there as it’s a bit of a planes, trains and automobiles trek with half a night in a Travelodge.
I’m not the best flier so that’s in the back of my mind too.

But mostly I’m just knackered

packing, well make a good list ! I do it by going through 24 hrs.

obviously it depends on the climate, look at the weather forecast on line,
list for kids, remember the only really imperatives, are the passports, your credit card & their sleeping buddies if they have them! most things can be bought locally, check if have towels provided at destination, if so, don't take any, or a couple of small ones, they will dry quickly
Keep it minimum, if its a hot destination they need minimal clothes,
one jumper, on long sleeved shirt etc if too much sun. couple of T-shirts, shorts, dress, PJ's, cozzy
sandals
maybe a light coat if rain or cooler evenings.
mozzy spray, sun cream, hat, calpol,

for you, light summer clothes, things you feel comfortable in, you won't need a going out frock etc.

remember to get new suncream if yours is over a year old.
also if you have small samples of shampoo/creams or mostly empty shampoo bottles thats perfect, you can leave the empties behind.

take some, games, sudoku, colouring books, playing cards etc, for if they get bored at airplane, or if there's bad weather, bring them out one at time, when they need distracting.

Try & Relax onit, forget LCB, enjoy BF enjoy the rest, the sun,
recharge your batteries.

When do you go Onit?? Focus on the holiday to get your through the rest of it!

A week on Monday till we go nigel

Typicallly, the first court date is while we’re away.
My lawyer has had to ask the court to postpone till I’m back. I wonder how much that cost me

It’s DD’s birthday tomorrow, well today now.
My baby is 7.
I can’t believe it. I really can’t. She’s the most amazing little girl and I’m so blessed to have her. She’s infuriating and gorgeous, funny and strong.
She’s so confident and bolshy at times but at others she’s shy and timid. Can be full of rage but also the sweetest girl ever.

I hope I can raise her in a way that she will never let anyone treat her how I’ve allowed myself to be treated.
That she has self esteem and self worth.
That she values herself enough to know when someone else doesn’t.

I am so looking forward to holidays.
I want to be there now though. I’m not relishing the journey. But I want to escape from reality for a wee while. Shame I can’t escape from me.

He didn’t send a text or call her to say happy birthday
I guess it can wait till later in front of the whole playground.
Thank goodness dd didn’t notice (I don’t think.
What a total dick

A week today onit---I cant think of anyone who deserves a holiday more!

Did he do his show in the playground?

I really don’t know if he did.
On Friday he’s going into school for a breakfast thing for parents/carers.
He’s taking her and the baby too.
Made a point of telling me he was taking his family in for it.

Will you be going as well Onit?

Onit, that must really hurt. so sorry.