I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

How are things Onit ?

It’s pretty shit atm.
Literally.
DS is off school. He’s not done a proper poo since last Tuesday.
He went to his dads on Friday for the usual weekend contact. I emailed the info from the doc with the advice to take him back on Monday if he hadn’t managed to poo. And asked to be kept updated.
I was sent a couple of emails saying he was sure he’d be fine by Monday. On Sunday night he sent another saying DS had been in pain and woken up complaining of cramps and had wet the bed on Friday night. I was asleep when it was sent so I didn’t see it till I woke up.
I texted in the morning to ask if he was ok. Had he managed to poo yet.
He said he hadn’t but was not in so much pain and was taking him to school.
I asked why he wasn’t taking him to the doctors and then basically things deteriorated from there.
When he called me to say he didn’t have the doctors phone number I can’t even describe what I felt.

He did end up calling the doc and taking him but I told him to bring him home after and I would look after him.

Later I was informed “I assumed as you don’t work, you’d take him”
I’ve missed counselling, a much needed catch up with my cousin, a dentist appointment to have a filling and 2 days of work. I anticipate another attendance hearing if I don’t work the hours I’ve missed before the end of next week. I had time off in December with my back and technically still on a fit note.
I have to fit 2 shifts into 1.5 days off. And then work the weekend.
He felt it necessary to inform me that he’d happily cancelled 2 meetings to take him to the doctor. DS was home by 10am and lcb probably only missed an hour of work.

I was called rude, aggressive and disrespectful. That my behaviour was unacceptable. I was accused of always trying to erode his contact. Of not making it clear that he would need to contact the doctor.
Among other things.

But I composed a reply after much help from the bf.
Apparently my own composition was “a bit confrontational”

However I did finally give him some home truths.
I denied being rude and aggressive when he phoned me. I admitted I was very anxious about my DS.
And as for being disrespectful, you reap what you sow.
That it is disrespectful of him to make assumptions without any thought to my circumstances and to expect me to be at his beck and call without him having the courtesy to ask me.
The bf said if he tries to jump on that I can quite reasonably and truthfully tell him that I have never in my life been treated with such disrespect as I have been by him.

He has only one more Sunday overnight before the 3 month trial is up.
I asked what he would’ve done if DS had been too unwell to travel, how DD would’ve got to school, who would have taken care of DS and how he’d have been able to get him to his doctor.
I told him this incident has highlighted the impracticality of this arrangement; and that following previous comments from the kids, the school nights are not in the kids best interests and are not beneficial to their wellbeing.

I’m awaiting his response.
I’ll let you know when it comes.

I have more things to share but it’s late and DS isn’t guaranteed to sleep. DD also struggled to get to sleep tonight so there will be 2 tired and grumpy girls in the onit house in the morning.

Night all

To clarify DS was given medication to take over the weekend which lcb gave him (as far as I know anyway).

What a prick. I know this will drive you mad. Freedom Programme. Even online. It will help not be another burden. And now try to disengage again with him for your own sake.

Hope your DS is feeling/ getting better soon.

And given you are going to be back in court I wouldn't respond to whatever he comes back with. He'll try to drive you mad, and spin it against you. Calm and detached. Don't get into he said etc. Just present court with facts. He can't do it. He won't do it. He relies on you etc.

But before I had the dc I was a manager at work. I was a pretty good one. I was well respected by my staff and appreciated by my colleagues. I still work with some and I’m often asked when I’ll be moving up again.
I remember being firm but fair. I wasn’t a walkover. But I had compassion and would always put my staffs needs at the top of my priority list.

So when are you moving up again. Worth considering, you're highly respected at work. You can do it.

Ariela I’m stuck.
I can’t earn enough (ridiculous that if I were to work more and higher up, I would have less total income because of low pay and tax credit rules). I’m not flexible enough (school hours only). Or mobile enough (work could be relocated up to an hour away with very little notice or say).
Also not sure my confidence is up to it.
It’s not how it was.

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again-but the man really is an utter bellend.
You need a new thread soon Onit x

I hope DS is feeling better.

And as for prick saying That my behaviour was unacceptable. I was accused of always trying to erode his contact if this is bought up in court that you point out that every Monday night since the temporary court order was set he has bought the children home early.

I hope you pointed out that just because you were at work that he should not just assume you are available for him to use. I'm wondering if OW wouldn't look after DS as now she has her own baby to look after.

This is why you really need to stop be available to take the children early on a Monday. He only wants you to do as it takes him too long to get home after seeing DC when his contact has finished.

Unfortunately he will never be reasonable however much you want him to be and that's why you need a water tight order so he can't have it all his own way.

I hope you pointed out that just because you were NOT at work

I know your primordial mothering instincts just wanted to get DS home & well again,
But Why did you offer to have DS on Monday?
If he was sick & couldn't go to school, perhaps LCB could have been left to sort it out. (miss work)
Why does LCB know whether you are at work or not. Do not give him this information. You have risked your job to facilitate LCB.
Whatever he comes back now, ignore.

How is DS ? Stopped transit is one of the symptoms of appendicitis.

Oh lovely you’re having a rough week, sending lots of love to you and your DC xxxx

Another tough week for you.

I agree with the others though. As much as you want to be there for your children, you need to leave LCB to it. Effectively, you keep rescuing him.That is not doing your long term plan any favours. Allow him the length of rope to hang himself. Allow the children to see how crap he is in a crisis.

I am so sorry Onit for your tough week. I would raise these issues with the sheriff, but be prepared for it to be twisted back that you were taking his contact away. I would be insisting that no correspondence with LCB is verbal - tell him that as he is not happy with your telephone manner all communication can be in writing eg text message going forward. He may try to bring that up in court too, so suggest that as a solution He will not like that as it makes his accusations less deniable

I feel we are piling on you a bit with the warnings about continuing to rescue him - but I understand completely where you are coming from and letting go of this is so counterintuitive but will still need to be done in time x I have a friend in real life who is going through exactly the same thing and it is a steep learning curve for her too, as I am sure it will be for me once my parents get their final order

DS is still uncomfortable and the cramps are painful but intermittent.
He’s been given another huge dose of movicol and to go back tomorrow again if necessary. Though tonight he seemed ok about going to school. Only 3.5 hours tomorrow and I’ll save his meds till after school so less chance of accidents there.

I did tell LCB off for making assumptions.
He knows my work pattern because the court reporter put it in the report. I was annoyed when I read that but, what could I do.
I’m not expecting a reply till tonight at the earliest as he’d be waiting to talk to DD today. DS decided he wanted to stay home so he only saw him for a minute when he dropped DD back home.

But I’ll be getting a letter from the lawyer soon. He’s so predictable it’s almost laughable. Apparently (classified info from the source he still doesn’t know about), he’s gone into debt over his legal fees. Arsehole must think I’m paying in blowjobs or brownies .
He’s about to start on cutting the maintenance. Which is obviously what the increased overnights are about. It’s so transparent. He must think my head buttons up the back.
He’s angling to cut nearly 15% from their maintenance payment and at the same time stop contributing to their uniforms, activities, school trips etc which is what was stipulated in our legal financial agreement.
He’ll be paying £50 per child, per week from a £3k+ monthly wage. Apparently he feels he’s still financially supporting me because I only work part time. Because the extra tenner per week he’s paying at the moment keeps me in Moët and Louboutins

I know the prevailing wisdom is never to bad mouth shitty exes to their children, but this is a tendency I strongly disagree with. I believe it does children /young people no good at all to shield them from how little their useless fathers (and sometimes mothers) care about them. What they learn in their families is what they will play out in their adult relationships. Giving them the full information about their early lives will help them see that they are worth more and don't need to accept people who value them so little LCB is leaving a paper trail of evidence of how his children are just pawns in his game in his desire to control and hurt you. At some point in the future, I'd recommend a frank and realistic discussion about exactly how he has treated them - when they are old enough to understand but still young enough to be able to appreciate they are worth so much more than this. Please do keep a record of this so that it can not be twisted and be sure to show them when the time is right exactly who and what their father is.

My God, How does he think you survive? this man is filth.
he went on to have another life with another child, he fights you to drive for hours for access, how much is that petrol costing. I hate him

We survive on my wage, maintenance, child benefit and tax credits (which is my biggest income).
I earn too much for free school meals now. Taking on overtime of an hour a week after a wee pay rise last year has tipped me over that threshold. Which is the one of the many reasons I work part time.
If I worked in the same job full time I’d be paying for childcare 4 days a week and barely seeing my dc, Iose virtually all the tax credits and be about £600 a month worse off.
I couldn’t pay for my car so I’d be out the house even longer.
I couldn’t pay for counselling.
There would be no treats. Holidays.
Santa would struggle.
I guess the angle would be to make me so poor the dc would either want to live with him or the court would force them to.

From almost the minute he left he was trying to force me back into full time employment. And he still is.

If he is telling his lawyer the truth that he’s gone into debt that means he’s spent £50k in 2 and a half years. £10k he left with and £40k I mortgaged my house got to pay him back his equity from the marital home. He got that cheque in October 2017.
He still in rented accommodation so it’s not gone on a deposit.

His parents both have a big ‘0’ birthday this year. I think the arsehole is basically spending his inheritance before he gets it. If it’s less than 6 figures I’d be surprised. When we were together and planning the £300k house he implied we could afford to stretch ourselves because of what he’d get when they passed away.

I’m not keeping things from the dc now. DS and I had a conversation about babies yesterday and he said his dad had told him babies were made by ladies swallowing something .
I told him that was not true and gave him a quick lesson in basic reproduction.
At some point later I was telling him that if he wanted to ask me anything, I would always tell him the truth. And that I expect him to tell me the truth too. I was telling him it was important that he think carefully about who he shares things with and that people who lie and cheat shouldn’t be trusted.
I see the dots joining.

He had this money, plus his salary & OW also had/has a salary.
The figures don't add up Onit

It's not about money. It's about controlling you for having the cheek to leave him, complain about his affair and not do everything he wants. He doesn't care if his children suffer in the process as his main end game is to destroy you. You're managing too well without him and he Is Not Happy.

I agree the figures are incomprehensible.
Maybe he’s stuck it all in his pension pot knowing I haven’t got any claim on it now.

Or maybe it’s all gone in her name and he’s just pleading poverty to his lawyer.

Well any judge would sniff that out

So he couldn’t hold his tongue long.
I got a reply at 9.30pm last night.
He’d marked up my email with his comments in red.
He offers a lame apology for making assumptions while accusing me of the same. So hardly an apology really.

I’ve not had much sleep.

I’ve forwarded the emails to my lawyer and asked him to advise what to do about the trial period of Sunday nights.

Im so annoyed that I discussed this exact situation with the court reporter as a possibility and no mention was made in the report.

I’m sure this will take us back to court. But I can’t allow this to continue without fighting it.
I am so frightened. His arguments that this is beneficial are ridiculous to me. But I am not a lawyer or a sheriff.
Every time it goes to court he has a chance. I have lost all confidence since the way they enforced the Christmas holiday. Obviously LCB sees it only from his POV and thinks it was wonderful. I barely saw my dc and they were clingy, tearful and DS especially vocal about the week being too long away from home.
I didn’t tell lcb this as DS made me promise not too. So his voice can’t be heard? That’s so wrong. He’s scared to say things in case his dad disagrees and gets angry.

Sorry, need to get to counselling. I’ll check back after, when I can.