I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Onit, I only became aware of your life on thread two or three I think but I've never forgotten you even though I don't post much. Do you feel able to say were you are in the country? I hope I'm near enough that I could come and help you.

Glad you can see even the merest chink of light onit x there is always hope however small. Don't give up x

I have lurked your threads right from the beginning but I've never posted. I bet there are hundreds, if not thousands of people like me who have done the same and been awe of your story (sorry for any mispronunciation, not a native English speaker)!

Honey, you are being the best mom you can possibly be given your circumstances. Your DC are so lucky to have a mother like you, strong and always fighting even when some days you want to give up and crawl under the bed. They are young and don't get the world like we do, but you are fighting for them and they will realize that some day. Just keep going, lean on the people that are close to you and know that MN is right here when you need it the most. Do not doubt that this too shall pass! You've got this!

Yes, Onit, this too shall pass. I can only imagine how horrendously exhausting and depressing it must be, feeling hounded by this bastard, but your strength, your love for your children, and your kindness and goodness shine through in these threads here.
You'll get through this, you'll beat LCB in the end, and you'll come out the other side free, with all the weight fallen off your shoulders. Never doubt that
I'm cheering you on, from the other side of the world, and I'm sure there are so many lurkers here who haven't posted who also wish you only the best, and think of you, and check on the thread to see how you're doing. I know it doesn't mean much in the daily slog, but we're all behind you, Onit

Oh Onit, I'm so sorry things have become so bleak. This too shall pass and hopefully one day Karma will pay him back. You have been subjected to so much and he has persistently caused you and DC damage. Give yourself credit for being the DCs rock through all this and do not let him win. When you feel up to doing Freedom, my offer still stands of meeting you and going with you if you need that. Or if it that seems too much, I can contact SAJE to find out dates and get them to you? I have now finished Freedom and Tool Kit and am going to be a SAJE volunteer at some of the drop in cafes. It has honestly given me my sanity back. Please say what support you need.

I hope you're feeling a little better now onit. You've had some bleak and frustrating times so it's understandable that you've burnt out and feel so low. It will pass though. You will feel better and stronger.

I’m back in the waiting room.
I’d been much better over the weekend. I’ve bought myself a back support thing (ugly as sin but helpful) and my neck and shoulders are much better. But I picked the dc up from school yesterday and within an hour I’d tensed up so bad that my back seized up again and after I got them to bed I was sobbing on the floor in pain and worried that a 3rd week off work means an automatic written warning.
I can’t afford to lose my job.

I’m supposed to be going away for a couple of nights with my girlfriends this weekend. My dsis and bil will come to stay and watch the dc. This is a once a year thing. The dc have a weekend of getting away with murder and I get an actual break.
DD walked out of school yesterday and before we’d got out of the school gate (bearing in mind we’ve not seen each other since Friday afternoon) says “you know how you’re going away next weekend mummy?”
And I said yes.
“Daddy says we could go and stay with him. Can we?”
I said we’d talk about it later but I never got the chance.
I’m so angry. How dare he.
If I needed his help I’d fucking ask for it.
The dc stay with his parents at least 3 or 4 times a year and he paints it like he’s sacrificing his time so they can see their gp’s. I know he isn’t sitting at home pining for them. Hes using it as babysitting (as I’d his right. I don’t have an issue with that at all)
So why am I not allowed to use my dsis as a babysitter? Of course I could ask him to have them an extra couple of days, but I think it’s important they spend time with their DAuntie as much as with their gp’s.
The bf says I ought to point out to him that if I needed his help, I’d ask for it and that if he wants to offer me help that he offers it to me, not through the dc.
I swear my back seized up on the walk back from school when I had been all prepared to go back to work today. By the time the dc went to bed, I was crippled.

Why can’t I just let his comments go?
I should have just shrugged it off.

At counselling yesterday I said I was better. Felt much less stressed and was ready to go back to work.

It seems that the combination of physical pain, anxiety about money and stress over the court case and ongoing shit with lcb outwith court is more than I can actually cope with on a daily basis.
I was so sure I had an end in sight with court and now I know it’s never going to stop. It’s fucking relentless. 2 and a half years of this shit has broken me. I thought I was just going out of my mind but now my body is giveing up on me too.
The chunk of light has receded.
The suicidal thoughts have gone so I guess that’s the positive. But any hope I had of this coming to an end are gone.
I have an interim order from court but it’s not worth anything because he’s still negotiating on a weekly basis.
I sent him 8 emails last week discussing g 3 different subjects.
Why can’t he just leave me the fuck alone?!?

It is shit. Hopefully the doctor can help more with your back.

Re him. You need to find a way not to respond to his crap. Tell the DC you've made arrangements already. Tell him nothing. If he contacts you say the same as you did to the kids. If you want. Anything that isn't an emergency from him simply ignore. He is pulling your strings. The abusive dynamic continues.

I remember, years back feeling so overwhelmed by the abuse my X was handing out I couldn't see a way forward. I did though. Mainly by going as low contact as possible, and making myself not respond. I got help from WA.

This won't last. Time races on, the DC will plan stuff themseves etc. You have coped brilliantly. You can do again.

Say no. Or better, don't respond at all. he can have his court ordered time and that's it. that;s what he went to court for.

Your children have a right to a relationship with their aunt. your dsis. A court would see relationships with extended family as something to be encouraged.

So sorry you're in pain and feeling anxious. hugs to you.

I hope the Dr can give you something, but everyone is right.
All you needed to say to DD was, No you cannot go to Daddy it's all planned & they have loads of fun things lined up.
Don't reply to him, just breath & ignore it. Not worth getting sick over.
This will all pass, it really will.

I'm so sorry you're still feeling so low.

I agree with the others. Keep it low key - to DD just a "no, aunty is coming and has lots of fun stuff planned and is really looking forward to seeing you both. To LCB, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Ignore and try hard to put it from your mind. It's sorted. Nothing else to say or do.

I hope you have a fun time with your friends. It sounds like you really need the chance to let your hair down. Ignore any contact from him whilst you're away.

Hi Onit, although stressful and a pain in the arse, could it be a positive thing for you that he's still trying to change things? Could you use the emails to show he doesn't have the kids best interests in mind and no matter what the court order says he is unlikely to stick to it so it's pointless them taking his opinion into account?
From your last post it seems the stress is causing your physical symptoms, would taking the freedom programme others have suggested help deal with it?

Hi Onit hope you can take some more time off work. He is a TWAT of the highest order.
Don’t respond to him. You have an arrangement already.
Do justify your behaviour to him at all.
Your body needs a rest.
Be kind to yourself. 🌺🌺🌺

W/e coming . How are you Onit ?

I’m away with my girls. I’ve had lots of Prosecco and gin. 2 glasses broken already!
Everyone has gone to bed and I’m siting with a cuppa and listening to music (the lodge has Alexa ). Forgot how much I liked counting crows, fleetwood Mac and NWA . That might be the gin.

The dc are at home with my dsis; and more than happy with that. I did respond to him but only to note box offer. Decline it. And ask him to discuss proposals of changes to arrangements with me before talking to the dc.
Apparently as he always offers me the opportunity to look after the dc on his time when he is unable to, I should do the same.
Because his asking me to cover his Thursday school pick up is the same as me asking him to have them over a weekend.
My dc are entitled to spend time with their DAunt. And I am entitled to organise that without discussing it with him.

He told the dc that he could watch them this weekend and that if they stayed with him they could go to the Christmas markets and go on all the rides with the ow’s niece and nephew. Such a shame staying with their aunt would mean missing out on all that.
Motherfucker!
My dc are eating fish fingers, watching tv far too late and enjoying themselves.
Why would he arrange something they’d admittedly enjoy on a weekend they are not at his and then tell them about it?!?
I have had a lot of gin and if he walked in the door now I would happily strangle the cunt! And I’d happily organise his funeral. Because I am still his wife. And I would stand in the fucking line up and say good fucking riddance to everyone who came to shake my hand and spit on the bastards coffin before shovelling dirt on it.

I’m not sure I told you that the ow told the court reporter that she wishes she and I could have a better relationship. Though apparently she understands why I’m distant.

She’s a cunt too.

I am aiming for ambivalence or indifference but I’m pretty wide of the mark right now.
I wish I could get rid of the rage. I don’t feel healthy.

💓💓💓💓
Enjoy your weekend away, you deserve it. Just like you children deserve to spend time with your family being pampered.
You’re such an amazing mum, don’t forget it.
You’re always there to support the children , and dealing with the emotional fallout that his affair has inflicted on them. So allow yourself a weekend off knowing that your sister has it covered.
💓💓💓💓

Glad you having a good weekend with friends. And your DC are having fun with your sister and BIL, of course you don't need to ask him to have the children on your time. Although it sounds to me like they wanted your children to 'entertain' her nieces rather then actually wanted to 'see' the children otherwise he would have mentioned the 'fun' things rather then a last minute invite.

I’m not sure I told you that the ow told the court reporter that she wishes she and I could have a better relationship. Though apparently she understands why I’m distant. Weren't you friends before she choose to have an affair with your husband.

Glad you're having a good time away. You deserve to enjoy yourself.

The children see his parents on his time, when he wants to do other stuff? No difference with them staying with your sister then, if you're doing something. He's an idiot. They can go to Xmas markets on the next weekend that he has them. As usual he's just trying to manipulate. Big surprise there, then!

I don't know how you can get rid of the anger. What does your counsellor suggest? It isn't healthy and you need to learn to deal with it. Both learn how to distance yourself from him and let his manipulations slide off you, and learn how to deal with the physical effects that being angry and stressed have on you.

Anyway, I hope your weekend away does you the world of good, and I hope the hangover isn't too bad .

His tactics are so transparent. You are seeing them for what they are now- efforts to control and manipulate. So sad, and yet so predictable, that he is prepared to mess with the DCs head and hearts just to upset you.

I know I've said about Freedom Programme many times, but I think it's worth saying that the biggest advantage I got from it was opening me eyes to just many ways they will try to get power and control. And how even seemingly small issues are actually calculated to wear away at you. It helps so much to realise it is not you, it is them and their evil agenda.

The other thing that helped me see it was not me, it was totally him, was the book "Psychopath Free" by Jackson McKenzie.

Enjoy your weekend away happy in the knowledge that the DC are having a ball with their auntie. And get more buckets of gin down you- you deserve it!

Yay I am so happy you are having a good time and your dc are too.

What a twat he is, demanding that you rescue him and then acting like he's doing you a favour by asking.

As for OW, just think of the time when he does exactly the same to her (if he hasn't already). Just imagine when you ask her if she's going to be best mates with HER OW when the time comes (tinkly laugh)....although you understand why she wouldn't..... Ha fucking ha!

Have a few more proseccos and gins to drink to that.

Have fun, my lovely you deserve it!

LCB is trying to manipulate dc into wanting to go to his with promises. As you say he could simply have done it next w/e
I would be tempted to send a text
"I have made my plans "stop being a prick

Ugh, Ignore him. You don't owe him an explanation for what happens with the kids when it's not his weekend. Enjoy your time away x

I'd happily dig his grave for you Onit. Don't you know any hit men?

How are you Onit ?

Onit, could I suggest you make a request to your GP to refer you to EMDR Therapy? You are going to end up completely broken and he will have your dcs full time if you don't find a way to stop letting him think he is in charhe of you. You need to reset yourself.