I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

onit I can’t remember how old your kids are again but are they old enough to be in the pool on their own? Assuming there is no instructor in with them after the lesson.

Is about contol and headfuckery

Yes, I agree, and I think when he came up with his idea of Onit feeding the children he was feeling well and truly out of control. It’s all he could come up with.

My thoughts on the children having a sandwich then a meal is that being hungry can impact them well into the next day. Yes Onit will feed them but they might be too tired and hungry to eat enough to satisfy them so Onit will still be dealing with the fall out of the missing sandwich whilst LCB is at home watching the news. She doesn’t need the children to be playing catch up food wise or to be getting over upsets caused by being hungry.

I would have to say something even though I knew I’d pay for it.

It’s late where so I’m off to bed now. Goodnight 😊

He will have been in the pool with them. Swimming is his thing. He pays for their classes as agreed in the financial separation agreement though swimming and gymnastics are it now.
I pay for DD’s after school club and one she’s doing for a few eeeks at lunchtimes. I should ask him for it but I’d prefer to avoid the arseholr as much as possible.

I’ll see how the dcs are next week and if they are just as hungry, I will tell him he’ll need to feed them something more substantial and I’ll top them up when they get home.
If he can’t provide that I will take them swimming and take them home for tea straight after and he can take me to court for breaching the order.

Ah sorry I read it that they had just been in on their own (and probably in my head interpreted it as DC in pool, him sitting at side relaxing drinking coffee)

I know you are ragey. With good cause. He is an arsehole. But don't deviate from court ordered contact at this stage. At least until the trial period for the overnights is done. If needs be get a lawyers letter. Court will cost even more.

As they get older , your DC will hopefully be able to discuss stuff like this ( We are hungry, can we have a whatever). K
Keep encouraging them to do this as much as you can atm.

The problem is you have an unreasonable man dealing whilst dealing with a reasonable court order. Going against which will make you unreasonable. He will fight if you do and he may well win. You dont want that

You cant tell him what he should and shouldnt do on his time - merely deal with the consequences.

Your DC can speak up and their voice will be heard but they need the confidence to do so

yes, I suppose, the best thing is to encourage them to say, if they DO or DON'T want something,
I want food....
I don't want to stay here on Sunday night...
etc

In time they'll learn to speak up. When they do, when they start to exercise their own choices over where they spend time, he's going to wonder what hit him.

Omit don't deviate from the order. It will backfire horrendously on you. It won't do the dc damage to be hungry for an hour before they get home to you, and it will hopefully encourage them to speak up.

If you want help packing up and doing a flit I'm sure there's plenty of people who would help you.

What a horrible man and what a useless justice system.

My counsellor says I’m having a MH crisis. Have been absent from here as I’ve basically been absent from everything.
Keeping the dc fed and clean. Was still managing work till last week when my neck and shoulders seized up completely.
Brushed my teeth yesterday and washed my hair to go to counselling but that was the first time in maybe 4 or 5 days.
It was DS’s birthday on Saturday. I had a houseful of 9 year olds. They had a ball. Everything’s fine.
But it’s really not.
I’m at the doctors as my sickline runs out today. And I feel like a fraud because I’m going to go in and say my backs still sore (which it is) but the truth is I’ve been crying since the dc went to school and I just want to run away.
I spend my time at my counselling going over all the shit that lcb has thrown at me in the last week. I’m always firefighting. It is exhausting me.
I know this time of year is a trigger. We did figure that out yesterday. But I don’t remember feeling this hopeless. Not since the very early days. And the fake it till you make it which I can keep up most of the time with the dc is becoming more and more difficult and isn’t working like it did before.
I can’t see any light ahead.

Oh onit. You’re not a fraud, your body has had enough of what your mind is dealing with. Hope you get your sick line extended as you need it.

Your ex is a vile excuse of human being and oxygen thief.
You’re doing extremely well under the pressure.
((()))

Thank you Red. Ive been given another week.
Was the same locum doc I saw last week. Couldn’t say what I probably should have. That I need some MH help.
I’m so worried about cracking open that can of worms. The dc are ok.

My dcousin was telling me yesterday about someone in her extended family having a breakdown. Probably due to past trauma (seeing her father abuse her mother over many years). She said that she’d been arrested and had been given the choice of going into hospital voluntarily or being sectioned and I found myself thinking wouldn’t it be nice to just go and not have to adult for a while.
I need to keep my head above water or he’ll be able to take my dc. Probably the only reason I still have a job and a home and a life at all. I can’t drown out of spite.

I' m so sorry it's so hellish atm. You clearly need the time off work so don't waste time on guilt about that. You are clearly still more than managing with the DC if you had a party at the weekend! So give youeself credit for that. Triggers are powerul things even years later when we think we have really moved on so again accept it for what it is.

He is back inside your head again and you ate overwhelmed. He has ( temporarily) tpaken back control. Not surprising given everything but you can take it back. In reality, other than Xmas you still have most time with the DC. The trial arrangements may not last. The DC are getting older and will want their own lives and draw their own conclusions about him.

You will find a way here and stop not being able to see the wood again.

You know what I have suggested. I know you want to do it when you feel better. But, imo this is something that will help you get there. You have done so well. You are still doing so!

Sorry re poor typing there!

Onit so sorry. there is no shame in telling doctor you are struggling, he might be able to give you more/different A/Ds,
LCB doesn't need to know

I’m a fraud because my sickline is for back pain. And that is what I’ve told my boss. Part of that is because I actually DO have back ache and have worked through some very sore episodes over the last few months. Mostly it’s because it’s a physical ailment. My boss was sympathetic on the phone today. Certainly more than she’s been previously when I’ve been struggling emotionally.
But I am definitely depressed and that’s why I’m not able to work. Or do much more than do the minimum for the dc.

Well you do what you need to-day what you need to to your boss and you get the time you need.
It's not a linear journey onit. You go forward. You go backwards, you go round and round. The one thing you can't do is get off. And if it's spite that keeps you going for now then so be it. No shame in that. No shame in any of it. The last couple of months would have floored anyone.

That said if you need help with your MH then please-get it. Don't try and cure yourself when there is help available.

And don't feel bad about feeling low. The time of year won't help.nor any of LCB's recent antics. But even with neither of those things at play, If you feel shit,you feel shit. You owe no one an apology for that.

Lots of love onit. You know the drill. Try and get up and washed and outside for a bit tomorrow. Eat nutritious food if you can. And go back to the dr as well if you can face it.

Oh Onit, I am so sorry, and you are not alone...

I recently had my final session of 6 NHS free sessions with my counsellor.

We agreed a list of simple, not very taxing things, that I could try to do as often as possible to make sure I do something for me. Nothing grand like yoga.... you can search for "boring self care" for ideas..

She gave two helpline nos . for C.A.L.L (not sure if that's just a Welsh hotline) and the samaritans, and names of three friends I should call if things really become too much...

Please reach out to your dcousin, to us, to your friends, if you feel overwhelmed...

It may be worth doing an "anyone up?" chat on mumsnet if there are no other options..

Be very very very kind to yourself... you are not a fraud. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Be as kind to you as you would to your dfriend or your dcousin xxxx

You know, have your tried "breathing"? sit/lie down close your eyes, relax your neck, do some deep yoga breathing, empty your mind, think of the air going all the way down to the bottom, & breath out completely through your mouth...just concentrate on the air rather than worry about LCB/Bills/Kids/what you've lost/how hard it is.....
Everything is not bad Onit, you have a job, house, income, the DC are with you. you have a caring patient bf, you have friends.
This will all pass, you need to keep calm & do one thing at a time. set a list of simple tasks, clean bathroom, sweep floor, shower.... It is normal to feel like this is too hard. Go & see Doctor.
We are still here listening

Ok onit? X

I’m ok nigel
Certainly been better today than the last week/10 days.
Still not taking good care of me. I did pretty much nothing today except watch old episodes of the bake off; but by this afternoon I managed to clear all the shit off my coffee table which gave me a wee boost.
Can’t catch you all up on everything that’s happened with lcb because I’d be here all night.
There’s been developments all over the place. Some good (but part of the slowly slowly catchy monkey long game which is frustrating when I just want to expose him for the self centred bastard that he is) and some not so good (which has really dug a really fucking deep hole, shoved me in and has been continuously shoving me down with its size 12’s).

But this afternoon, I can see a chink of light. I can say that this too shall pass. I can’t tell you how low I’ve been the last few days especially. I don’t think I realised how bad I was until just a few hours ago. I honestly think it’s the lowest I’ve been since before the split. When I was so ill I’d fantasise about what would happen if I drove my car off the road. The only thing which felt different this time was the fact I couldn’t even be arsed to leave the house and get in the car.
If it wasn’t for my dc and the fact they’d end up with lcb if anything happened to me, I’m not sure I’d still be here.

I’m calling it a win that I attempted to wash my hair in the bath tonight and shaved my legs. Not well. But it’s an attempt.
I’m aware I need to go to school tomorrow more as it’s DD’s assembly. I’m doing it for her.

Onit, old gbbo was great. Anything that takes your mind off the stupid games lcb is playing is good.
Hope you’re getting some sleep right now. Tomorrow is another day. Keep going.

Well done Onit. Its good that you can analyze it.
Get to the doctor.... try another few jobs. Maybe bake your own cake for the dc?

Great idea Mix56. Onit, what cakes do you like? Could drop you a recipe for something delicious and if you like continental baking. Have a peaceful weekend.