I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

So the original suggestion was for him to have them at Xmas? And have you told your lawyer that he had more time with tge report? And asked why you didn't?

Onit, I think you have to go back to the reporter and the lawyer and say all youve said in your last post.

I would get lawyer to send msg to LCB saying the intention for the sheriff was the one week, & it doesn't get accumulated with the EOW.
Like when you get a special offer, you can't add it to the special sale price.

I’ve asked my lawyer if he can speak today or tomorrow about what’s gone on. I said the Christmas order means the dc spending only 4 nights at home and that I can’t believe that the reporter or the sheriff would’ve meant for the time to be split so unevenly. I said I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect the weekend contact to continue throughout the year.
When we talk I’ll add that I can’t be flexible about swapping as I have to work on LCB’s weekends. It certainly can’t be argued that it’s in the best interests of the dc to be away from home all that time

I was reminded DS this morning about them coming home for tea tonight instead of their dad giving them sandwiches after swimming (DS had said last night he just wants to come home straight after swimming to have tea) and said it would be helpful if he told his dad what he’d said.
He said he didn’t want to tell him. So I asked why. He said he didn’t want to upset him. He said it’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with his dad, but that he thinks 6pm is too late for tea. Obviously I agree. I had tried to negotiate a 5.30 drop as that’s their normal teatime but it was rejected by LCB.
And in the short term I think it will prove so problematic that I might be able to argue that contact day is as disruptive as Mondays became when he couldn’t deal with needing to have them in different places at the same time.

You’ve had a few days against the ropes Onit but now your back in the ring! Well done!

I'm sitting here fuming on your behalf that a court can actually order a mother to do emotional labour because the father can't be arsed to do his share of "women's work" by making a packed lunch.

and I know I know you will do it and you will want to do it because you are a nurturer, it's best for your kids, and he simply does not care, and I would do no different but still.....it simply reinforces my belief that Family Court exists to satisfy the whims of bullying men in the most ridiculous way

I’m sorry it’s gone this way. But I do think you have to stick to the order and not cover anything LCB should. The only way the courts going to see this won’t work is if LCB tells them.
As long as you cover his time he can lie to the court that everything working. And if the court ask why you are not picking up his slack tell them this is what he requested and you have to work when he has your children so you arrange your work around his order. And you cannot just change your working hours to suit him when it’s to difficult for him to arrange alternative care for the children.

So he gets them 3 nights eow?

agree with clutter. you are not his free childcare. he can pay or sort it out himself.

He has 3 nights eow, yes.

Putting ds to bed tonight and he says he doesn’t want to stay at his dads on Sunday. I explained that the court has given his dad what he wanted even though I didn’t want it. And neither did he or his sister.
He said he wished the court was nicer.

They came home (10 minutes early) after LCB’s contact this afternoon absolutely ravenous.
They have a swimming lesson straight after school which finishes just after 4pm. They’d normally eat a sandwich with LCB at the pool but he asked that I feed them when he brings them home.
I asked the dc what they did after swimming instead of eating tea and was told they stayed in the pool until it was time to get out and come home.
I’m guessing they’d been in from 3.45 till at least 5.15!
Both came home with soaking wet hair and said they’d had a biscuit before swimming and crisps and a fruit shoot after.
I couldn’t get them fed quick enough.
Dd had a meltdown before bed but I’m not surprised. She was exhausted.

My lawyer is phoning tomorrow and says he’ll do his best to sort out the Christmas thing.

While writing this I have 3 emails in my inbox from LCB.
I’m sure I’ll be back later

Good news re the lawyer. And hope you can remain calm through the emails. He will be trying to provoke you I'm sure.

Forward them to your solicitor and let them decide whether you need to answer them, he has no reason to contact you once let alone 3 times since yesterday.

I would also ask you solicitor to when contacting him about this order to tell him to re frame from his excessive emailing between contact as it has now been set up there is no need for him to contact you unless it is an emergency.

Quite. No need. It is him asserting control. He is in charge. Always has been. Always will be etc. Except he's not. Don't let this set back influence how well you've been dealing with him.

Do you think the DC did tell the Reporter that? Or are they just trying to keep you both happy? Not suggesting they said they wanted to go but were non comital.

I expect he will struggle with the increased contact, and Xmas could be a nightmare for him given the added pressures. He couldn't manage before after all. He no doubt expects his partner to do all the heavy lifting but that may create more issues for him re your DC.

Ds said he didn’t want to change anything. That he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to change anything.
What he didn’t realise was that by not saying anything he was taken to be non-comital, exactly as MsP described.

Onit, the snacks before and after swimming need to be recorded as a decline in the situation already. They’re hardly nutritious.

And 1.5 hours in the pool? To be honest I think that would be fun but then I do live in a place where kids are always in the pool. How long would they have been in the pool prior to yesterday? It just all seems like a huge jumble, that he kept them in the pool and gabe them a fruit shoot and crisps so he didn’t have to take them out and give them a sandwich he could have had with him already. So what was his reasoning? When the kids were having a sandwich did they then have supper at bedtime? Could he even have been thinking the sandwich wasn’t enough for the kids and they needed a meal at the end of the day but if the had the sandwich they’d not be able to face a proper meal as well?

They came home (10 minutes early) after LCB’s contact this afternoon absolutely ravenous. They have a swimming lesson straight after school which finishes just after 4pm. They’d normally eat a sandwich with LCB at the pool but he asked that I feed them when he brings them home. So once again you are picking up his slack.

I know you want to the best for your children but you can't keep picking up where he is failing. I'm guessing you have paid for the swimming lessons so all he needed to do is feed his children. But once again you are covering all the costs. It also easy for him to sit in the cafe with HIS coffee not paying attention to his children as they are having there lesson and then swimming. He could have got them out after their lesson and had tea in the cafe and actually talked to them and found out what was going on in their life instead he chose to ignore them.

He could have got them out after their lesson and had tea in the cafe and actually talked to them and found out what was going on in their life instead he chose to ignore them

It’s this aspect that’s puzzling me. Why the sandwich? Why not a proper tea out?

If he can organise enough to supply biscuits, crisps and a fruit shoot, the surely it's not beyond his meagre capabilites to put together a sandwich and drink for them to have after swimming?????

The thing that puzzles me is that up till last week he did provide them with a sandwich (and all the junk).
I believe he’s working on trying to persuade the dc to give up swimming on Thursdays so he can argue for a Thursday overnight.
The swimming lessons were given as a reason by the reporter for why the overnight wouldn’t work.
If he manipulates the situation to get that overnight, he will have Thursday to Monday eow.
The dc don’t want it!

The thing that puzzles me is that up till last week he did provide them with a sandwich (and all the junk)

It just doesn’t make sense. Can you say to him that you’d like the sandwich to continue and that you’ll feed them again at home. The juice and crisps just dont count.

Onit could it be that he stopped the sandwich stopped because he no longer had time to make it in the morning or feel inclined to cart it about all day. Or could it even be that he’s thinking it’s her day to have them so she can spend the money I give her on them and feed them.

I would send a message saying. (Get it in writing)
"When you are the parent in charge, you need to take responsibility for the wellbeing of the children, therefore you will need to feed the children on your watch & not simply return them to me ravenous" Super Fucking Daddy, Not.
Who give a shit if it riles him ?

I wouldn't engage with him. It is so easy to get sucked in to back and forth. Just feed them at home in the meantime. But log everything and keep lawyer in loop. Including them staying in pool (I assume he didn't go in). Continuing supporting the DC as you have, and hopefully this will help build their confidence to a point they might challenge him. I'd also keep in touch with the school. Given these changes in contact you need any feedback, positive or negative.

He may be doing this just to try and show he is still in charge of you. And your time. He may be angling for another night. But again . He will really struggle with the reality of it, especially as the DC are getting older.
And their need and wants vary so much with a baby/ toddler.

I wouldn't engage with him. It is so easy to get sucked in to back and forth. Just feed them at home in the meantime. But log everything and keep lawyer in loop

I agree with you but I know that my grandchildren, even the 4 year olds, couldn’t last till teatime on crisps and a fruit shoot.

So for eg today the eldest 3 were at their Bibi’s for lunch then they came to me to swim with their cousins. During the hours in the pool they could snack on salsa, guacamole, cup corn, pitta bread, water melon. At the end of the day, about 6.00 - 6.30 they were then offered macaroni cheese, roast chicken, salad, vegetables and garlic bread for dinner. They hoovered their choices up because swimming is hard work even when they’re playing.

I think I’d suggest to him he gives the kids a sandwich whilst keeping the lawyer in the loop regarding the ravenous children.

Yes. But he will simply bat it back. Suggest in a message on Thursday morning perhaps. Or again suggest to DC that they ask. But he does what he wants, and this isn't about him not being able to provide a piece . Is about contol and headfuckery.