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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

988 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 02/04/2018 21:50

Thread no.5 Shock

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 15:35

It is every other Sunday though? And good news re Mondays. And you have gained time on Thursdays despite giving them tea.
Do send them in uniform. You wash it on your weekend, so he should too.

And will you have next Xmas agreed for you because it seems you should while you can in court. If DC enjoy Sunday , good for now. If not it can be stopped.

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 15:38

I’m not sure if January will be the end.
There were women in the waiting room today who were 3,4,5 years down the line of this process and no nearer a conclusion than the first hearing. Going back every 3 months to argue the next thing.
We still have to negotiate holidays. He wants half. Reporter basically agrees though draws the line at 2 weeks in summer (which is less than he’s had before).
I can’t do this for another 3 years or more. It’ll finish me; financially, for sure and mentally, I’m barely coping now.

I need to write a complaint about the lateness of the report and how I felt I had no time with my solicitor to construct arguments against the recommendations.

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 05/11/2018 15:50

*I need to write a complaint about the lateness of the report and how I felt I had no time with my solicitor to construct arguments against the recommendations

Would the reporter not have mentioned why he was making the recommendations he did?

PollyFlinderz · 05/11/2018 16:00

Sorry, I meant would he not have explained to the sheriff why he was making them despite you arguing against them by saying everything you did last week.

Surely he must have said - Onit has said it won’t work because of ......... but I think it could

MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 16:11

Worth slowing down, and taking some time to read and process the report, the recommendations, and the reasons as suggested above. Then look at what (if agreed) it would men in real terms, as in days/hours etc. And then thinking about moving forward. Also, would your lawyer have suggested a different approach if the report had been available sooner? I think you are overwhelmed atm, and in that situation you can't see the woods for the trees sometimes (this is what I am like anyhow) It may not be as bad as you fear in terms of time together. And as a (much) older parent of adults now. time goes by fast, and things change quickly in terms of what they are doing etc. And their needs/wants change and he will have to deal with that.

Having said that, yes, he is still the LCB trying to control. The better you are able to recognise, and deal with that the stronger you'll be in dealing with him/supporting the DC.

Mix56 · 05/11/2018 16:35

Yes, send the DC to playdates is school clothes, he can launder & return, Anything he needs over & above school bag he can buy and keep at his house (pyjamas, boots, whatever) he must ensure all the necessary home work is done on the w/e, & not just stuff for Monday. You do not EVER agree to swop, if DCs get Bday invitations, then its up to him to facilitate or not.
He is a cheeky Fucking bastard asking for even more changes before the sheriff.
I agree the idea of fighting this for years is too much. do you think if you don't fight it, he may just stop hassling you now ?
The DC will sooner or later say they don't want to be forced to go the whole w/e EOW

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 17:12

He sat there with a petted lip, snivelling. I was cowering. I tried so hard to sit up straight and hold my head up but I looked at my hands in my lap the whole time.
Ds just home. Back later.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 05/11/2018 19:39

As others have said. Let him/them launder over the weekend and organise clothes for playdates on their watch, as required. Absolutely don't make it easy for him in this respect.

I just don't understand the thinking behind Xmas. Is it to make up for last year, or because of some specific request from LCB? On a positive (and I realise it's not much of a positive for you) I suspect the DC will be completely fed up with that arrangement when it happens since they won't be able to see their friends over the Xmas period. But, you have to take a step back from that and let him run himself ragged sorting that all out.

What the fuck was he snivelling for, the twat???? This is all his doing, every last little bit of it. Really, what has he got to snivel about?

Mix56 · 05/11/2018 19:54

the snivelling is simply a "poor broken daddy" tactic to swing things to his advantage. & it worked. God I hate that man

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 20:31

I’ve drafted an email to my solicitor saying how shellshocked I am and that I feel I was railroaded into things I did not agree with.

I will redact it and post for you all to see.
I’m furious and upset all at the same time AngrySad but mostly for my dc who’s wishes have been ignored.

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 05/11/2018 20:43

Do sorry to hear this Onit. Was thinking of you today x

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 05/11/2018 20:44

*so

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 20:52

Damn Angry
Lost the bloody thing trying to preview it Angry

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 20:54

Is Xmas 3 days added to his weekend? Or is he getting an extra weekend as that seems very unfair to the DC?

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 21:01

Hi Mr my solicitor

Thank you for today. It was more difficult than I anticipated and the outcome wasn’t what I expected at all. I’m upset and angry at what happened.

Firstly, I believe receiving the report at such a late stage didn’t give me (or you) enough time to digest the content and perhaps point out some contradictions within the report itself and the overall recommendations.
I only received the emailed copy at 1.30pm today but it is headed “court tomorrow”, suggesting it was written on Sunday. When did everyone else receive a copy?

For example, it was the reporters recommendation that we trial a Sunday night overnight despite my misgivings; many of which were not documented. Mrs OW’s desire for a family mealtime (which they already have) seems to have been given more weight than either mine or DD’s concerns. DD had been quite clear that she was worried about being late for school. She told the reporter this and has told me numerous times since that she’d said she didn’t want to stay at her dads on a school night.
DS has also tonight voiced his concerns about being tired in the morning for school and the long drive. And that he thought nothing would change because he didn’t say he wanted it to.
I have asked them both to tell me if they feel it is not working for them as it is only a trial till after Christmas.

I am also disappointed that their Friday afternoon has been curtailed. I know it’s only 30 minutes but it is the difference between them leaving at around the same time as everyone else or being taken away from the fun before the others.
This time will also be impacted by the practicalities of having to sort out their school bags, books, homework, uniforms, etc.
I remain unconvinced this is in their interests. And I’m disappointed that LCB and his girlfriend have been given leave by the court to expect my children to make allowances for their difficulties in picking their child up from nursery. The children have told me that Mrs OW is at the flat when they return on a Friday so it’s unclear why any change is needed at all.

I’ve since had time to contemplate the impact of the rulings and, while I’m delighted to have the kids at home every evening (barring eow) for tea, this also means I have a financial impact to negotiate.
I can no longer offer to work later on Thursdays as I will need to return home to cook dinner. A meal which I didn’t have to provide before. And similarly on Mondays.
LCB however does not now have that expense.
I would like to reassert my argument that if the kids are also to be fed at home on Thursdays then they should be dropped off at their usual teatime of 5.30.
If LCB can use the argument that “it’s only half an hour” then I should also be allowed that privilege.
And again I would add that, if 5pm is an unsuitable time on Fridays that perhaps the compromise is for him to collect them later which does not have a negative impact on their play and would presumably give him and/or the baby’s mother time to collect him from his nursery.
I would happily provide a meal for the children to facilitate a smoother transition when they arrive at their fathers house.

I was pretty shellshocked after the hearing and became very upset, feeling like I’d been railroaded into things that I didn’t agree with.
However, it is my kids I am most upset for.
They were dragged into this by LCB and, having been interviewed and asked to voice their feelings, those feelings have been largely ignored.

This one better work.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 21:02

And maybe sit on email till tomorrow? Given you are incurring costs better to wait and make sure you get all your points in one email so only one reply from lawyer .

onitlikeacarbonnet · 05/11/2018 21:18

He told the dc today that they were going to be with him for a week after Xmas so his understanding is he’ll have an extra weekend (the one in the middle of the holiday which by the eow rota should be mine) therefore having 3 weekends on the bounce and every weekend in the Xmas break.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 21:37

Well you need to clarify that. Why would your weekends change unless Xmas fell then? Have you clarified this with your lawyer?

TheLastNigel · 05/11/2018 21:46

That arrangement for Christmas seems hugely unfair to me.
I also hate him as pp said.
I hope you are ok onit...

onitlikeacarbonnet · 06/11/2018 00:37

I need to contact school to ask them to keep a special eye on the dc on Mondays.
To let me know if they’re late or anything.
I’m also trying to psych myself up for a chat to the domestic abuse team. I called them after speaking to women’s aid but only asked about what I could do about the court case.
I’m waffling again. Tired.
It’s so late Sad

OP posts:
BreakWindandFire · 06/11/2018 00:44
Flowers
PollyFlinderz · 06/11/2018 02:49

Onit what time do the children finish school and how often do Friday play dates happen? Do they happen at your house or would/does LCB collect them from the play date house

Also would them now having tea at his house on a Sunday but you giving them an extra tea in the week help your argument if he tries to cut maintenance? Or does it go on nights slept in each house?

If it’s any help to you at all children here can spend an hour on the school bus or in the car because of traffic and have to be at school for a 7.30 start. It’s the way of life and it’s ok.

Mix56 · 06/11/2018 07:35

I would also add to Solicitor
That LCB has announced he has all 3 of the school holiday w/e..... (are you always free on Sundays ?) how is this 50/50 ???? Does this effectively mean you have no days off free with DC ?

onitlikeacarbonnet · 06/11/2018 08:54

Dc finish at lunchtime on Fridays.
Lcb does collect from play dates so no issues there.
He already feeds them on his Sunday he and ow just want to not be “clock watching”.
He will need to provide 2 extra breakfasts a month and I have 2 extra evening meals per week.
This year I’ve already had to start paying for DS’s school lunch at £40 per month with no offer from lcb to contribute.

I have decided to sell my shares and cash in my savings plan at work. I’ll get my windows and doors done and get legal aid.
It’s so wrong Sad

OP posts:
onitlikeacarbonnet · 06/11/2018 08:56

Christmas is the first thing on my email. When I explain it to the dc dd was horrified that they’d not get a weekend with me f it went the way her dad has told them.

OP posts: