I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Good decision.

Yes, good decision.

I wasn't knocking you Onit, I just think to have it in your paper trail before the next court appearance, will be beneficial to you
also to the reporter as you can show that he is playing about with authority & all you are doing is for the DC

My lawyer is just off the phone. He’s fine with what’s been agreed.
He says if anything it strengthens my position regarding midweek contact. Any midweek contact. Especially overnight contact.
That it appears I made a compromise with the dcs in mind and that’s what matters.

He also suggested I email the reporter directly (I didn’t have his email) to ask when he’s thinking of coming back and when he’d be talking to the dc.

I’ve made an appointment to discuss legal aid again.
I am so glad I squirrelled money away when I was in panic mode, or me and the dc would be living hand to mouth now.

I never thought I’d be in this position. I thought my dc would want for nothing.
As it is, I’m reliant on my tax credits and, as far as I can see, and despite his very decent salary, their dad is living off credit cards.

I hope at least he thinks it was worth it.

I didn’t think you were mix. I need people to help me see through the trees to the woods. I honestly think I’ve got too close to see the big picture.

Good stuff onit-glad the lawyer set your mind at rest a bit

That's good news from the lawyer Onit. Despite what I said about sticking to the court order, it appears, yet again that you have made absolutely the right decision regarding your children's welfare & chosen the path that keeps them both happy without compromising your convenience (too much). See, you didn't really need our advice, you found the best way all by yourself. Wise, warrior women, I salute you.

Woman, not women (doh).

How are you doing onit?

Well done Onit. I hope you are well today. I have been thinking about you as I was in court this week x.

Hiya!
Not much going on here.
Groundhog Day.

Haven’t heard back from the court reporter about a second meeting or about his meeting the dc either.
Not sure if I should chase it.
The report has to be submitted before the next court date (5/11).
I have things that I still want to say. I want to show him the messages.
I want to show some of the emails and texts which show his priorities.
I have so many examples of his relocation causing inconvenience.
This weekend is his. He has the dc till midweek as it’s the holidays but DS has been invited to a party/sleepover at his BF’s up the road from ours.
The weekend coming will look like this to my dc:
Travel to dads on Friday afternoon.
Travel back on Saturday morning for DD’s activity.
Travel back to dads after.
Travel back on Saturday afternoon for DS’s party.
Travel to dads (DD).
Travel back on Sunday to collect DS (DD).
Travel to dads on Sunday.
It’s ridiculous.
It was suggested that DS might not be allowed to go as lcb had already made plans (fair enough. It’s the holidays) but DS has said if he was at home that weekend, he’d definitely be allowed. I agreed that was true but that I would be at work so it’s not really about that and he said “but I can stay with your bf” (my bf comes to see me eow and, even though I’m working both days, he’s in the house doing jobs and stuff).
The disruption isn’t only obvious midweek.
I hope the reporter lets me share all this and the sheriff gets a chance to see.

I haven’t been in great health, physically or mentally. I’ve been worrying about my finances but had to cancel my appointment for legal aid reassessment with my lawyer. I was getting my paperwork in order and realised I have a payroll savings thing with work which takes me over the threshold.
I hadn’t thought about it because I don’t get a payslip every month and the money comes off before I see it.
I’m not cashing it in.
I will pay off my legal bill in instalments.
It will take a long time but he’s not charging interest on the outstanding balance.
My savings will make a bit of interest so it makes sense. In my head anyway.
If I cash in my rainy day/emergency savings it would feel like lcb had won.
And I can’t have that.

Lampoon, how did your court date go?

Hi Onit, that sounds exhausting! I hope the reporter contacts you. CAFCASS, our equivalent didn't show up to our hearing, it's been rescheduled.

My parents are not so keen to have unsupervised contact now - they didn't realise the extent of my dc's special needs.

Legal advisor asked me and dh to come up with a schedule we can manage. We had offered more contact just not as much as they wanted. If they agree to supervised then they will need to fit in with our plans more. The court is not going to like taking family time away from us to give to the grandparents - it has to leave us with reasonable amount together.

They still want it to take place at their home but two things.

my mother claims to be too ill to travel to see the children (we know this is false) but has no medical condition that justifies this.

also how will a court force my dh - a grown man -m to go to his in laws' house against his will - if he has to supervise... How will that be enforced if he refuses>?

So, similar to you.. they are unlikely to get anything more than they were offered prior to going to court.

They may welll not get anything more perhaps a day or two - yet in bringing this action - they have put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship with me, their daughter.

Like you said about your ex. I just hope they think this is worth it!

Lampoon.....sorry just picked up this. Are they mad ?
Sorry to sound flippant, but what on earth are they trying to achieve?
I take it you are NC for good reasons... I guess they screwed up on their relationship with you & are having a second shot.
underscore to the judge that they can forget any care in old age...

Mix, yes they are quite quite mad, but more angry , bitter and abusive.

I think they are trying to achieve maximum amount of hurt and stress to me. For now it;s working but when it's over they'll have no control as I will no longer be worrying about it (been expecting it for 4 years)

and no, absoutely no care from me. My spoilt, selfish golden child brother will need to step up, but I doubt he will.

Onit's thread has been very useful I must say. EX H sounds so much like my father I thought my father must have had a secret second family in Scotland.

The court behaviour very similar too, going in thinking he is better than everyone there, thinking he can impress them by talking about how he's a councillor and a lecturer. The legal advisor clearly didn't like him. He doesn't have to cry like Onit's EX H - he has my mother to do the waterworks for him.

Onit, about the reporter. I don't think you have anything to lose by chasing it up. At least then you will have a good chance to say everything you want to say. Do you have everything written down?. I have a whole document written and a summary of bullet points!

Where do these men learn to be like that? They all follow the same script , the same patterns of behaviour! Is there a secret school or a handbook that teaches them how to be bastards?

Lampoon, So, sorry that these people "who are supposed to love you", do not know how to behave as parents & decent human beings.
They're fighting you for how much access to DC ?
If I was a judge, I would assume if they had already failed massively with any relationship with you, that it would be an unhealthy relationship for DC.
I know what its like to have 2 golden brothers...fortunately inspite of being largely put aside all my life, my brothers & I have a good relationship & my mother is now deceased

That's a ridiculous amount of travel, but it's for him to sort so don't feel tempted to step in and rescue. It sounds like your dc are getting a bit fed up of it too. I really hope you get an appointment with the reporter soon. You have a lot to tell them.

Lampoon

yes, sorry Onit, its obviously nuts to do all that travel. Yes, let him drive... no helping out, just say "CAN'T I'M WORKING", no arguing with that.
& I think I would call the reporter again too,

I’ve tried to reply umpteen times this morning and keep losing it all.

Sending strength to you Lampoon.
Not sure if it’s learned behaviour or some kind of disorder. Either way, they’re arseholes.

In other news here, the reporter went to school today to see the dc.
I wasn’t informed beforehand so the dc didn’t know. I guess that’s deliberate so they can’t be influenced.
The head left a message for me to say he was coming.
Dd came out saying he’d been to see them. On the walk from school dd said she didn’t really want to talk about it. I said that was absolutely fine. That he’d gone to see them at school so it could be private.
I said if they wanted to talk later they could but that it was up to them.
She did tell me over lunch that she’d said she thought she saw her dad enough and that she didn’t want to be late for school.
She said he’d asked about lcbs gf and ds said he’d been asked the same.
Dd said she’d mentioned my bf and that she liked him. “It’s ok that I mentioned him isn’t it mummy?” I said of course.
Ds said he didn’t want to say much because he didn’t want to upset daddy; or me.
I said it wasnt about me or his dad. That it was to find out what they think about the situation. And that if he didn’t want to discuss it he didn’t have to.
Then I left it and we talked about something else.

I had a missed call from my lawyer this afternoon but presumably it was about this.

The dc have gone to lcb’s till Wednesday night. The bf is coming for the weekend but he’ll stay till Tuesday so we’ll get a couple of days.
I’m wondering if the reporter will now come back to me.
Last time I spent so much energy mentally preparing myself that I feel I missed so much.
At the next meeting I will have the writ in front of me with my notes alongside.
I am so pissed off that this is happening just because lcb can’t accept the situation is of his making and he’s done pretty fucking well despite the shit he’s dished out.
I’m tired.

Hello On it.

I've watched your thread from the beginning having been through a similar traumatic relationship breakup several years ago.

I would suggest you get in touch with the reporter sooner rather than later. You don't have to wait for him to contact you, if you want all your details lodged with him, and by extension the court, he has to have them before he hands his report to the judge. Please don't risk not having all your evidence presented.

How are you Onit?

Spent the week with the bf. Dc came home on Wednesday so we’ve had some time all together too.
It’s been really lovely.
He goes home tomorrow and then on Sunday we’ll go down to visit him and his dc for the day.

In the interim, myself and the dc have been invited to my SIL’s for my dn’s birthday party. I haven’t seen them since around Christmas. SIL specifically asked if I was staying or dropping the dc off and I said I’d love to stay.
I’ve since been told by dd that lcb will be there.
I obviously changed my mind about staying (yet to tell SIL) but received an email late last night saying his sister has told him I was planning on staying at the party. That “we are going to be there too”.
He just wanted to let me know they’d be there but if I still wanted to stay that’s be fine with him.
Or, if them being there meant I didn’t want to go at all, they’d collect the dc on the way and take them and bring them back afterward.

I told my dc this morning that I’d decided not to stay at the party. Dd asked why and I said I didn’t want to because their dad would be there. She said “that’s not fair mummy. Daddy gets everything. You really wanted to see dn”
I said I did but I would see him for a minute or 2 when I dropped them off but I couldn’t stay if him and ow were there.
She said why can’t you go and daddy not and I explained that they aren’t my family anymore, they’re his.
I need to let SIL know I won’t be staying after all.
Obviously I won’t furnish lcb with a reply.
But I am very sad. Dd is right. He gets everything.

I feel like I’m letting my dc down and I should be able to be a bigger person.
But I couldn’t be in a room with them. And the baby. Just no.

Onit I am so sorry.

You absolutely do not need to be in a room with them.

You do a massive amount of rising above and taking the high road.

Please remember that your DC deserve a happy mum and your happiness and wellbeing matter too.

Your DD sounds very mature, and she is working out for herself the measure of her father.

Could you do something for you at the time of the party, do a bit of self care - even if it is the boring low key type. Make the most of a not so good situation.

Could you see your cousin? Might be a comfort to do something you know he wouldn't have liked when you were with him.

Very nice of your SIL to invite you. I doubt the OW is thrilled about that :)

I hope you find something nice to do - you deserve it.

She is deranged to invite you both.
Could you pop by earlier Onit? & leave as soon as Lcb arrives, head held high ?