I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Onit, does the idiot LCB realise that the clubs will change day and time every year, if not each term (thanks, ballet school...)? That he can't change the court order each time a club changes its timetable / the kids move up a group?
Kids have to suck up sitting in a cafe doing their homework while a sibling is in a club / at a tutor when they;re in families which are still together. It's what goes on, and he'll have to factor his other child into the mix in due course; he can't keep stamping his foot and whining every time something doesn't suit his choice to move to the other side of town and then a little further. Stick to the order.

Quite jackie. What you have sorted one term or year changes drastically the next-he will have no idea if this and I dare say that will spin him out as well.

I think you need to discuss with your counsellor how to balance what's best for you and the DC against them having such a shit parent, IYSWIM. LCB is going to do this kind of thing over and over. The trick is to find a way of explaining to DC that you have no control over their activities during his contact time. He's not an amicable co-parent, he's a nasty selfish, manipulative person. That's very unfortunate for the DC, and that's what you need to get shive on, how to explain things to them in an age appropriate way, without feeling responsible yourself for him and his selfish bullshit, and without being the one to destroy their parent-child relationship. He'll do that all by himself. You have to find ways to encourage their bond. I would not try to make it up to DD by giving her special time with you, I'd give them both individual special time with you and make sure that you bang on about being fair to both of them all the time. Make a point of how fair you are, how you treat them both the same according to their needs, how the three of you are a team. Every time you do something for one, tell the other one it's their turn next. Etc etc etc.

Absolutely do not feel guilty for shit he pulls. Just make it so very plain to them that you do not pull the same kind of shit through your actions and words. And do not facilitate him. setting a bad example to them for life. Do not allow him manipulate you by you feeling the DC are missing out if you don't accommodate him. It's not your responsibility. What you can do if DD is disappointed is your best to find activities she can do on your time, when you have control over it.

He makes me so angry. He's horrible.

Get advice on, not shive on...

And by encourage their bond, I mean with each other, not with him.

I’ve spent too long thinking about this situation.
Mainly because there isn’t an obviously right answer.
There is an obviously wrong answer which is what he is threatening happening if I don’t do as he says but I honestly think it’s not best for the dc to stick to the order if it means him following through on his threats.

I have a compromise solution which means dd can do her club, both dc are together with their dad and ds can come home instead of spending that time being carted about or sitting in a cafe.

I’ve said dd absolutely doesn’t want to drop her club.
That I can rearrange my schedule to be home an hour earlier. So he picks them up from school, takes them for an early tea, then when he drops dd off at her club, he can drop ds home.
This is what happened last week in the end, at his request, so he’s no real reason to dismiss it.
It doesn’t feel like I’m rescuing him.
It’s being fair to both dcs. They’re still seeing their dad as they’d expect, they’re spending equal time with him. Dd can go to her club with her friends and ds won’t be sitting in lcbs car or a cafe killing an hour before he needs to be dropped home.
It complies in the most part with the court order.
I can’t see what argument he can make to turn it down.
Though I’m sure he will.

Do you think this is a decent compromise?
I feel it puts the dc first. And doesn’t make me hide behind the order.

I think that sounds fine. It's what works best for the kids. That's the principal in all of that that must be first considered. He won't as always, you will, also as always.
Plus you have to pick your battles with this fucker...

Thanks nigel
I’ve honestly got myself in such a mess over this.
I’m frightened that the wrong decision will adversely affect the courts decision.

It's a reasonable compromise, yes, but please remember you are not dealing with a reasonable person.

His concern is not what's best for the DC, and his motive is inconveniencing you.

I feel that by rearranging your schedule you are making a rod for your own back. Why on earth should you go to such trouble, he would not do the same to you.

and he may still find a way to muck things up.

But... you have been managing this selfish man's behaviour for years, you know him, your kids and your situation better than us...

Another thing to consider...you seem to be trying to protect your children from being disappointed and let down... but that sadly I don't think you always will and at some point you may need to stand absolutley firm and "allow" that to happen.

Remember I am the daughter of a man who is very similar to your husband, from what you have written about him. I really wish I had worked it out sooner how much of a loser my dad really is. It took me until I was 39 because no one would ever stand up to him, no one would ever say out loud who he really was and what he was like. I wish I had known sooner, and the sooner the better.

I'd maybe run it by your solicitor just in case-more for your own peace of mind than anything else.
I'm not totally sure his main motivation is to
Inconvenience you-think it's more that he doesn't want in any way ever to inconvenience himself. He's a jackass.

Remember you wouldn't be hiding behind the order. You would be sticking to the order he asked for.

Also, as I have said before you cannot protect the DC from his selfishness forever. No matter how you priorise their happiness ( as here) he will let them down. And if that is because you finally are unable to accomodate his demands it may be he will turn it on you anyway and tell them so.

It is hard to just say No, especially when you want the best for the DC but think carefully here because he will be chip away and away. It is about control for him remember. Lok how long you have spent agonising this time. You don't want this to be on repeat for the next ten years or so.

Either way speak to lawyer.

I’d like to think that, when the court is all over, I will be able to just say no.

And when the court is done I will sign up to do the freedom programme.
It’s not that I don’t want to it’s that I just haven’t got the time or headspace for it.

There’s nothing I want more than to be able to openly tell him to sort his own fucking mess out but, while the court is in progress and the dcs are too small to organise their own time, I need to suck up some shit.
At the end of the day, I married a psychopath.
I had dc with him.
My job is to protect them.
No matter how hard it is for me.

I’ll get respite soon enough and I’ll be strong enough to support my dc by then.
When it’s not my job to be go between.

At the end of the day, I married a
psychopath.
I had dc with him
My job is to protect them
No matter how hard it is for me

You’ll still be trying to protect them when your children, like mine, are as old as 40. It’s the very nature of the beast but please try to understand there will be times you can’t protect them even if you almost put yourself in an early grave trying.

Onit, I have followed your story right from the beginning (and constantly been in awe of how strong you are, and what a wonderful life you've built for you and the DC.)
I just had to say: I have a father who is a sociopath, imo, and who basically never gave much of a shit about me (beyond duty,) after my parents divorced when I was 5. Yeah, it sucked to not have that father figure. And yeah, it sucks now as an adult with my own kids, to know he doesn't give a shit about me. But I'm glad my mum never tried to shield us from his bullshit. She was always there for us, and never went out of her way to badmouth him, but she also never tried to preserve his image as a good guy, or make us believe he loved us more than he did. So there was never a sudden realisation that dad didn't love us the way I thought he did, just the gradual realisation that we we less important to dad than his real life.
In short: I don't think it's wrong to let your children find out that they have a shit father. I don't think that's bad parenting, or not protecting them. If their father fucks up, or is an asshole in terms of how he manages their time with him, it's not going to fuck them up, not when they have you.
Whatever route you choose though, you are an amazing mum, and I know your children will thrive because of you. Give yourself some credit. You're fucking fantastic.

Thank you scrumplestiltskin

I have stopped covering for him.
When I asked dd if she was enjoying her club (after he’d said to me she’d ptobably have to stop going if I didn’t get her straight from school) she said categorically she didn’t want to give up “no way! No way José”
I asked if she’d told her dad in the same way and she said no. I said she should.
She said her dad had said she might have to give up and when I asked why she said because it’s not fair on ds.
I asked why it was fair to her. I might even have said if they were at home, this wouldn’t be any kind of problem (honestly can’t remember if I said this. Definitely thought it).
I said he should be able to make it work since ds isn’t doing his class now.
I said I was going to offer to help out so she could keep going. That I felt it was important for her to get the chance to play with her friends outside school.
I’m not covering for him.
I don’t think I am anyway.

The compromise doesn’t adversely affect me really. I will need to cut short the time I spend with my cousin but that’s ok.
I’m sure lcb isn’t deliberately trying to inconvenience me. He has no idea what I do on Mondays though he does know I see my cousin (the dc told him) and, as he tried to sabotage that relationship, perhaps it pisses him off that we’re no longer estranged.
But it doesn’t matter. My dc come first for me.

Had a bill from my solicitor this morning too.

Although I have put some money away under the mattress for mine and dcs future which means I’m not totally skint, I’m going to have to part with the last £1000 in my savings account and the last £200 in my current account to pay it.

This has cost me £3000 already and I’m guessing it’ll be at least as much again before it’s done.
The financial agreement cost me around £3000 too plus’s probably another £1000 for various other bits between both cases.
Essentially I’ve spent all the money I took from the joint account in the middle of the night after he decided he was leaving.
The money was my dads.
I feel really sad knowing that this is how it’s been spent.

Ah onit it is a shame it's had to be spent on that. But I'm sure you're Dad, if he knew what had happened, would have wanted you to spend it defending you and your dc.

I'm glad you're not defending lcb to your dc. They'll realise in their own good time that he's a shit parent, a selfish man, and I think they'll take comfort in knowing that you were straight with them.

Just sending you good thoughts, Onit. On the bright side, your DC will be much happier adults due to the split and having a stable, loving home with an honest supportive mother than they would have been if none of this had happened. You were having to bury the real you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this utter shit though.

Ugh the money side of it is awful. The things it could have been better spent on and especially when none of this has been your choice.
It's money well spent to be rid of him and to protect the kids and that's he was you have to see it-but I hear you on thinking how sad it is to have to spend it on that.

Why are you giving your ex any kind of authors? He has none over you. Follow the court order. Ask your lawyers advice to change things if your dc will benefit 100%. Don't let him dictate anymore.

I had a reply agreeing to my “reasonable compromise”
Not without him being arsey that he was well aware dd didn’t want to give up her club.
His blame shifting abilities are only surpassed by his amazing credit taking.
His email was sent at 4am.

I told the dc this morning what their dad had said a week ago, what I’d suggested to try to avoid DD’s missing her club and DS faffing about for an hour.
DD was happy but DS seemed a little put out that he would come home early but when he realises it means he can go play with his friends or watch tv or even just have time without his sister, I think he’ll be ok with it.

I can argue at court that this shows his inability to manage changes to their routine without compromising their wants in favour of his convenience.
His omission of information to manipulate things. His lack of network support. His idea that splitting the dc up is acceptable. His other family splits his priorities. His disrespectful assumption that I have nothing important to do with my childfree time and that I am still at his beck and call.

Onit, you must absolutely send email to him, to legal etc, that you have decided to acquiesce to his demands to change his own fucking court order (after how many weeks ? 2 ?) as if not, having already dropped DS's club, he was going to drop DD's club to facilitate his timing (actually it all about ONE hours of waiting about fgs) you have gone with it, in spite of having to drop work hours, as if not it will be DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR CHILDREN
get it in writing NOW

I agree with Mix.

I’m phoning my lawyer today.
I’ll update what he says later.

I understand the frustration.
I wanted to stick to the order but over and above that I didn’t want dd to miss out on her club. Especially if it was because she was manipulated into giving it up because she felt her brother was getting special treatment and she was missing out there.
That’s why it took so long to decide.
I was concerned that sticking to the order could be seen as putting myself first rather that the dc.

My compromise was for my dc. Not for him.
I’m not sure what he was actually hoping for. And I realise that, although I’m curious, it doesn’t matter.
That feels like a step forward for me. A battle won in my own head.
I did what I believe is best for my dc. It doesn’t impact me significantly. It maintains their normal routine of contact (while cutting the time spent with their dick of a father by an hour).
Somewhere along the way I’ve lost any decision making confidence.
The only way I’m going to get that back (or at all) is to just decide stuff.

For better or worse, it’s done.
But, if it’s wrong, it’s only for the next 6 weeks till the next court date when the sheriff will decide.

Onit.